Raising boys

You are not alone!  Momma to 2 girls and soon to be 7 boys (the last 6 in a row are boys once this baby makes his appearance).  First, the constant training needs are real and normal.  Think about it – you’re together just about 24/7.  That is a lot of time to see and address weaknesses and issues, and a lot of time for kids to annoy each other and fight and pick at each other.  Remember that we’re running a marathon, not a sprint, in this mothering venture.  Be consistent and trust that they are still children, so they aren’t going to master this overnight.  I always like to look at myself and ask, “Have I mastered this at age 34?”  Usually the answer is no.  So why would I expect my kids to master it as 4 or 14?  Yes, I’m hopefully well on my way, but that is 3 decades of practice.

Next, the energy.  Some kids, boy or girl, but esp. boy, are filled to the brim with energy.  It overflows.  It’s exhausting for us because we don’t have that same energy.  But for them it’s normal. They also may seek out sensory input because it feels good to them (for example I have one daughter who seeks out soft/snuggly, which seems so nice and normal.  While I have one son who seeks out jumping/bouncing sensory so he’s always climbing onto and jumping off of things.  That one doesn’t seem so nice and normal because it disturbs others or other people’s things.  But it’s still NORMAL.).  So figure out what sensory needs they crave and create appropriate ways they can get it.  If that means you have a child who likes the sensory input from hitting/kicking things get them a punching/kicking bag.  Seriously!  If they need to bounce get a small indoor trampoline.  If they need full body contact (wrestling) try weighted blankets or anything you can think of.  If they need to run teach them to use a treadmill in bad weather and the outdoors in good.

For the not being able to stop once they get wound up – yes.  Some kids don’t have that ability yet.  It’s hard to develop.  I have a nephew and one son who if you start wrestling and riling them up they have a really really hard time stopping.  They just can’t seem to stop once they begin.  Then other people, who started roughhousing with them in the first place, get mad when the kids won’t just ‘shut it off’ and quit.  I do two things for this.  First, make it clear to the person who wants to begin roughhousing just what will happen with this particular child and that they need to be willing to keep going until the child wears out or they need to not begin in the first place.  Second, work with the child to accept someone else’s “I’m done now” and find an alternative activity they can go to when they don’t feel done.

Many people come to my house and are put off by our rules (one we had to do for sanity is ban roughhousing unless Daddy is home to oversee it, another is that I don’t mind noise but I won’t allow destructive behavior so I ignore the one and stop the other quickly.)  Of course most people who come to my house are overwhelmed simply by the sheer number of children talking/playing/trying to get their attention at once.  LOL.

As for being around others more – to be honest, if your son is already struggling with control in the home environment where things are familiar it may get worse when he’s in a group of boys that are not ‘home and family’.  Because he’ll feed off their energy and get wound up, or he’ll get ostracized by the pack if he won’t fit in.  It’s hard being a little boy!  We try for controlled environments when we do begin having our boys together with other boys – so for example we would choose a specific activity like Cub Scouts or going on a hike over a ‘playdate’ with no real plan in place.

And for the record, I also have two boys who are NOT the typical boys.  They are quieter, calmer, don’t like to roughhouse or even play outside and get dirty.  They struggle with the high energy of a group of boys (in our home or at an activity like Cub Scouts).  They shut down or play on their own, instead of with the group.  Kids really are all individuals and finding what works can be a lot of trial and error.  Hang in there momma!