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OT: Prayers and discernment help
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I am feeling lost and alone right now in my marriage when it comes to our faith. I feel like God is left me to do this alone. Yet, I have cried out to him, “He is yours Lord there is nothing I can do for him, it’s all up to you. I can not keep trying with him. I only need to work on me and the children. He is yours to have and I release all to you.”
I have grown in leaps and bounds compared to my dh in the years (14) since we have married. He being not Catholic (Lutheran) came fully aware of my hearts desires.
After the economy went down so did his contentment and happiness.
He wants perfect children. To be seen and not heard. To just know what and when to do it. To behave at all times. I have failed to train my children to do this. And God has finally put it in my face. As of yesterday, that was the last time my dh will be attending church with me and our children. He is done, he will not sit in another service with our children. They wiggle, they ask questions (quietly but ask), and they have to go potty at least 2 times a month (on Sundays). My kids are 13yr – 20 months (and there is 7 kids in all). The 13 yr old is not and never the problem. The others all have there moments and the little ones are constant. I have always good plans to sit and work on sit time, blanket time, quiet voice, interrupting.. but life seems to take me from these things… this includes my dh calling from work to ask me to do something or needs to talk (self-employee) to relieve his tensions of the day.
So now he is done. On top of the kids our church is at least 2 if not 3 Sundays a month asking for a second collection. We are in no position to do this and it is constantly being pushed down our backs. My dh wants to just go to church, sit and listen, and leave feeling good. Not that he couldn’t do enough.
All this to say please pray for me as I discern what and where to go. Do I seek a new parish (though I love this parish) while he is not with us and see if the grass would be greener else where? Do I just keep going to the parish I know and love (as do my kids)?
I will add he just stated that he is not going he can’t tolerate the kids in church and will not be embarrassed again. I am free to do as I want and take the kids but he’s done. So he is not asking me to not go there is no issues there.
Thanks for the prayers. Blessings Misty
I am sorry Misty, this must be a difficult season for you and your husband. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers…there must be some middle ground and I hope you find it. Children do need to learn to behave but at the same time no child (or adult) is perfect and the be seen and not heard thing is from the dark ages….he is likely overwhelmed with all his responsibilities and being the breadwinner, and does not have energy or will to see that you have enormous responsibilites either – God bless you both….do your best to make time to work on the habits of the children….and pray about the rest of it. Hugs, Linda
I just wanted to let you know Misty that you are not alone. I could have written your post myself. What you describe is my husband to a t. I will pray for you and also offer these thoughts. I don’t think another church will have “greener grass.” The children will wiggle and talk at that one too until they learn to sit nicely, and I know for us that is the main issue that bothers my husband. (I also struggle with one of mine who will not sit and be quiet no matter how much I try to train her. She is very determined and takes a long time to learn what I am trying to instill in her.) When our church pass the plate a second time, I just pass it along. I budget for and enjoy tithing, but unless I feel led to give more, I don’t. Since I know I am giving what God has asked of us for know I don’t feel bad about not giving in the second offering. Just some thoughts to ponder while you pray about what is best for your family.
Oh Misty, that is a hard place to be! May I share one thing that is helping with my own children sitting more quietly in church? Or maybe two things…
1. We have been reading the scriptures several times every day together. During that time we sit lined up on the couch (it’s a sectional) or at the table. While there is some leeway for the littlest two (5 mos and 18 mos) about moving and making noise, if any of the others talk, wiggle, get up, etc then I stop reading and look at them until they are quiet again. They have learned the more they are a distraction the longer it takes to get through scriptures. The older ones have started encouraging the youngers to be still and quiet. (My others are 3, 4, 6, 7, and just turned 11). It took a few weeks of this daily practice several times a day, especially for the 3 year old. Now he’s really funny. He’ll sit and when I finally finish he asks if I’m done before getting up. When I say yes his response is “ALL RIGHT!” and off he runs to play.
2. What do you take with you to church services? Are the things helping or hurting their reverence? We don’t bring toys anymore except something soft for the baby to chew on. We usually do bring paper and something to write with. We encourage them to hold hymnals during singing, to look at the speaker, to listen for a word (like Savior or faith) if they are young. We separate the ones who can’t be quiet beside each other. We make sure they’ve had food in their bellies before we come.
It is not easy. Ever. And we don’t expect perfectly still and quiet children. The Savior would not expect that either. He would welcome a wiggly child right into the midst of the service. Your husband probably doesn’t realize that he’s expecting more of the children than the Savior would. Jesus was always kind and loving to little ones. He brought them closer and understood that immaturity does not need punished, it needs gently corrected and the child encouraged to particpate in the service. Jesus did not get “embarrased” by sinners, disruptions, or wiggly ones. That is a prideful reaction focusing on self.
Praying for you!
Thank you.. he is VERY over whelmed by his responsibliities. It’s all he thinks about and it controls him. He can’t be in control of his work like he use to and that is taking a HUGE burden on him. So he is looking for other area’s to control. Mind you my kids are to much and need way more training but the wiggles etc don’t bother me so much in church. For me if they are quiet and sitting I can deal with it.
We take nothing to church. Anytihng seems to be more of a problem. We are on a schedule again and I hope this will help. I feel like my kids need it and in the summer I try to give them more freedom. But I think the freedom actually ends up hurting than helping.
I wish I Tristan could say your last paragraphy to my dh. But he wouldn’t listen. I am hoping one day he will blossom rapidly and over take my faith and that he will be the father of our house with God. My boys (older ones) ask why he doesn’t do what the other fathers do all the time and I just respond how everyone does things different. But they know and they hear the word and can see what God instructs. I hope and pray that they don’t resent there dad or do the oposite resent me and/or the church for what I am trying to do.
Thanks again. Misty
Hi Misty,
My heart aches for you. Lack of unity in marriage is so very difficult, particularly when it involves faith. I have no wise words, but many prayers.
I understand Misty. I was a daughter who had a similar father. Sigh. We can love them and love them more, but we can’t make anyone change.
If it gives you any comfort Misty, I am also a daughter of a father like that. There are 8 of us kids. All of us except one are still strong in our church. I would say that all of us who are married are good parents. We took the things we didn’t like with our childhoods and made them our parenting strengths. My brothers in particular are super dads. And we women married super men who are so very much not like our father. We watched and listened to what we saw at home AND what we learned in church and made our own choices. Do I wish it were different? Yes. But we are who we are today because of the things we went through. Our angel mother kept us strong and made sure that religion was an important part of our daily lives. She still continues strong and my dad still continues in his ways. My kids now ask the same questions I asked my mom growing up – why does he not believe? why does he not participate? My answer is the same she gave me, “We each are given the gift of agency and that is what he chooses. We can love him and show him our good examples, but in the end it is his choice.”
Hugs. Prayers. Hope.
Heather
What an encouraging testamony Heather….thank you for sharing that….those kinds of things are so helpful to those struggling. Very thoughful of you to share.
Thanks for the encouragement Heather. My biggest worries are for my son and his lack of role model in his father. I hope and pray that he sees and feels how his father is with him and chooses to be different with his kids. I continue to hope and pray that my husband will also have a heart change and realize what is most important is relationship with God, his wife and kids rather than worrying about what may or may not be in other areas of life.
Ruth – sending you love, hugs and prayers. They have such a job, role and burden to carry. I would not want to be a male, husband or father. I give him them all TONS of credit. It’s just some (mine) have a hard time sharing those burdens, and worries and talking which makes it harder on them personally.
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