OT: play dates for 6yo

This is difficult for us because our children 6&8 have the play outside where me or dh can look after you rule, unless it is someone’s house where we are good friends with the parents. Only problem for us is the kids’ outside neighborhood friends with all our houses close together are now going into each other’s homes. The other moms have no problem with each other or their kids around the same same age being in and out of each other’s homes. But we have one neighbor where dh and I both don’t want our children in a certain house, long history and we are just wave and smile and say hi type neighbors that keep an obvious distance on both sides. The other parents on our close knit block don’t have the same tension with the one particular neighbor nor have they lived here for more than a couple of years.. It’s hard because there is now an open door policy for the other kids and we haven’t participated thus far, but this spring is starting out rough because the playing together is more in each other’s homes for longer periods of time and we have been more distant to not put ourselves in that loop. But we would like for our kids to be able to go outside and play a good part of the day with their neighbors OUTSIDE like I did as a child. Instead our kids know they are missing out when they are out playing with everyone then all the children go to the neighbor’s house where they know we don’t want them to stay inside, then they are disappointed. It’s something dh and I are praying about.

My opinion is that you are not being overprotective because you are not comfortable with the situation. Especially if you are not friends with the parents and you do not know the rules on TV viewing, video game content, language, and other things within the home. I like the stay outside where I can check on you periodically and hear you playing rule. But I know it is more difficult to enforce that since Other kids play inside more than they did a generation ago.

I have 4 kids – 13 girl, 10 boy, 7 next month girl,  and 4.5 boy. For the great majority of the time, the kids get along wonderfully and enjoy playing together. However, I disagree that they should never be allowed to have their own friends and exclude one another. I’m not talking exclusion in a mean, “You can’t play with me way.”, but if my 13 year old has a friend over, they are likely to chat, ride bikes around the neighborhood, etc. My 10 yo son – he wants to shoot airsoft or play sports. My dd6 is dreamy and loves everyone. DS4 is well, 4. We often have another family over, but sometimes just one kid for one of our kids, it just depends. I kind of liken it to going to dinner with girlfriends on ocassion, it’s girls only no hubbies allowed. I don’t understand why it should be an all the family gets together or none all of the time. I am speaking of families we know well. I will say if there were ever any attitude, then we would readjust, but it hasn’t been an issue.

My kids are allowed to play with neighbor kids in the street (dead end) or our back yard. I don’t know the families and they aren’t allowed in their homes. Honestly all of the kids on our street go to school and aren’t terribly interested in mine. Works for me.

I’m not opposed to play dates for my dc (10 and almost 9), as long as it is with someone we know very well and are friends with the parents. There are maybe 3-4 families that I would be comfortable dropping my kids off for a playdate without staying there myself. That’s not just for safety’s sake; it’s also because I genuinely love hanging out with these moms just as much as my kids love hanging out with their kids.

As far as going into neighbors’ homes, I don’t think you’re being overprotective, and if that means your kids feel left out, well, so be it. I’d much rather my kids feel left out than ignore my gut feeling and something happen to them or them be exposed to something harmful. 

I’m not a fan of separating my kids either, but I think it is unfair to totally not allow one child to have friends if the other one can’t be included. I have one boy and one girl. I can’t imagine my son having another 10yo boy over to play and telling him he absolutely must include his sister in the Nerf war or Lego building. Mine are at an age where having friends of the same sex is very important to us, for safety reasons, among other things. If our son is having a friend over to play, I will also try to arrange for our daughter to have a friend over as well. All of our close family friends have both sexes of children, so it is nice when we all get together. 

As for your child’s age, I do believe that 6 is too young for unsupervised play dates, going over to neighbors’ houses, or other scenarios where your child would be without you. In your shoes, I’m less concerned about sibling separation and more concerned about common sense and safety. A 6yo is still very gullible and accepting of others–sometimes to their detriment. My 10yo son has much more common sense, street smarts, and a greater sense of awareness than he had at 6. It comes with experience and age, in my opinion. 

All that said, I’m still the mom who wouldn’t dream of sending her children to church or other camp without me, no matter how old they are. I’m very protective! If we don’t know a family extremely well, I don’t even entertain the thought of my children being in a home without me or Daddy present. Our children aren’t allowed sleepovers and don’t even attend birthday parties or baseball practice without us. My husband and I make ourselves available to be involved in their lives, and so far, they haven’t complained at all. In their lives, my children have spent the night at 4 places without us: my mom’s, my in-laws’, my sister-in-law’s, and my husband’s uncle’s (just this past December). I love what Rachel said above about not separating parents and children habitually, because then it just seems easier to do when they’re teens and let them go off alone. 

Blessings,

Lindsey