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OT-Parents who brag on their children!?!
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Dear SCM,
How do you handle this? I seem to be surrounded by moms who can not stop bragging on every little thing their children are involved in, studying, etc. etc. It’s so awkward! What exactly should I say in reply? Am I supposed to then rattle off all the things my children do, etc. etc.? Why do moms feel like this is appropriate behavior?
Signed,
Frustrated and Flabbergasted in New Orleans
I just ran into a “Grandpa” the other day who did the same thing about his granddaughter. Part of it was endearing, the other part was a bit overwhelming. What to say?!
Tell them that your kids are learning to be humble. =)
It is so frustrating when people do that – makes it hard to be around them. Pray for God to give you the right words to say or the patience to stay silent if that is what is needed.
There’s a difference in a parent who is sharing what their child has done because they are genuinely proud and a parent who does this to feed their own self-worth/make themselves look good and want to one-up other parents. While we cannot know for sure the motive behind it, I think the response should always be the same.
I say just listen, smile, nod, and tell them they’re doing a great job. What they’re doing is a whole lot better than a lot of parents who don’t affirm and validate their children like they should. They’re proud of their kids (or grand kids). Who isn’t?
I probably don’t brag on my kids enough for this very reason: I’m afraid of people who think I’m trying to make my kids or myself look better than them, when really I’m just super proud.
For example, my daughter is playing the piano and LOVING it. She has been taking lessons for 10 weeks, and her teacher is so impressed with her progress that she is talking about handing dd off to the advanced teacher by next month if she continues at this rate. To you, this may sound like I’m portraying my dd as some sort of child music genius. But, why am I really so proud? Because 3.5 years ago, my daughter was not crossing midline in her brain. So using both sides of her body at once was difficult for her. And now she’s playing the piano with both hands and excelling!? I’m crazy proud of her!
So, think for a moment before you roll your eyes at the mom or grandma who’s bragging on their kids. Sure, she could be trying to rub in your face how brilliant/talented/beautiful her child is and make you feel like you suck because your child isn’t doing that thing or reading that book –OR– she could be a mom/ grandma like me whose child is doing something they never thought possible and they want you to rejoice with them.
Blessings,
Lindsey
I think sometimes other moms do this because they secretly feel inadequate. And saying out loud what their children are doing helps to re-assure themselves. Or, saying out loud what their children are doing – in the most beneficial light might help to assuage some guilt that they really aren’t “doing enough” school. Or, they could, like LindseyD says, just have good reason to be ecstatic.
I think we can probably all tell when it’s a friend who’s tickled pink about what a child is accomplishing and when it’s a mom who’s trying to make herself feel better or trying to show off.
(I have a SIL like that! But, I sometimes think she feels inadequate because of “all” I do. You and I know that I’m perfectly average and normal and have just chosen to put a priority on educating my children and not on cleaning or crafting or whatever. So there are a great many things I’m not doing and tons of things I’m not doing well. I wish I could tell her to stop comparing!!! Anyway….)
My usual tactic is (in the case of the show-off) is to just smile and nod and make nice noises with my mouth. *L*
What Karen said–somehow when homeschooling enters the conversation, I think many people (myself included at times) feel the need to justify/defend their decision on whatever way they school their children. Homeschoolers can get defensive when people question their abilities, and public school parents feel like if you’re homeschooling, it’s an unspoken criticism of their decision to use public schools. So both sides can start bragging in response to perceived hostility, and it can become a habit whoever they talk to.
Well, I’m not exactly sure how to tell if someone, myself included, is bragging. When I am together with a mom or a group of moms the conversation often goes to our children and families. In fact, it always does if I am talking with other stay at home moms or homeschooling moms. What else are people supposed to say about their families if this is where the conversation has gone? To all the places where they are struggling? I always HATE it when parents start saying all the troubles their kids are having or the negatives and things that they are NOT doing well. That’s horrible! I honestly don’t mind when people tell about the wonderful, amazing, or just generally great things about their kids. The ONLY way I could see this as being a bad thing is if it was being done as some sort of competition. But the conversation can usually be guided rather easily to take away the feeling of needing to be competitive in this area.
When people talk about their kids in a positive way or negative way I usually try to find some sort of commonality with what they just said and keep the conversation going. I guess I don’t really notice so much if people are bragging about their kids. Maybe I don’t hang around with a lot of people who do. It all seems to be part of the conversation to me!
-Miranda
I think one reason I tend to talk about the good things my kids are doing is a bit of insecurity about their learning disabilites – which cause noticeable difficiencies. So my kids might be seen as pretty much unable to write and reading below level – so I tend to talk about all the badges my son has earned in scouting, or how much he knows about History… Most of the time it is me just being a proud mom – but sometimes it is that worry that they will think they are stupid homeschoolers that don’t know the basics…
I feel I may be doing this…. we are new to homeschooliing and when your kids are in PS and they progress, you aren’t really involved in the process and so while you may be proud that they have done this or that, it is different to me as a homeschool parent. I am amazed at how much they soak up and at the things they say or do that I had no idea they could and so I fear I maybe doing this and just now thought maybe I need to be more aware when the question, “So how is it going?” comes up. I take it literally and I answer things like well we have completed 20 books so far or they have learned 26 of the states. I can give the abbreviation and they can locate it and give the capital and state. I guess I can see where that could be bragging as PS parents would not respond like that at all. So maybe I should go with the standard, “just fine” and you?, but I am proud of them and of myself and I am so stoked about the homeschooling thing I just want so many people to know how great it is, but I respond the same to other homeschoolers who know how great it is…so…hmmmm. Wonder how many are eye rolling me? LOL
I love this forum!I’ve been sort of doing the “smile and smile” thing for a while now. It’s just sort of tough. I want to feel like I’m doing a great job (I know that needs to just be settled and come from within) but when a mom starts to list off all the advanced things her children are doing and when she always seems to take anything you say as an opportunity to one up you … I don’t know, it just rubs me the wrong way.
I think it is very hard on parents here who homeschool (that has been our experience here thus far). It’s still relatively new here and not especially well accepted. The private schools in the city are the end all be all. Everything in New Orleans is about “where ya went to school” and they don’t mean college! The private schools you attended tell so much about you (or that’s the tradition here). Maybe part of this among homeshoolers is just a reaction to and a competition with that cultural norm?!
I need to get thicker skin! I’m not competitive about homeschooiing and so I don’t walk away from these interactions feeling revved up …. I tend to feel panic stricken instead! Or diminished. I mean what can you say in response? List your child’s junk … then what? They list more junk? When does it end and why is it even happening!?
How should you feel if your same aged child is not doing anything similar to the level that this bragging mom’s child is doing? Chalk it up to us all being individuals? Realize you aren’t pushing your child hard enough? Sigh, and say “oh well”? I just don’t know sometimes.
@cdm2kk – sorry, I would eye roll at that list! lol … it’s just a big “why?!” to me. Why say anything more than “we’re doing great! lovin’ it!”??
@suzukimom – I think the kids have to stand on their own. If the interested person can’t see/hear/watch how well their doing then I’m not sure all the lists I’d rattle would be worth anything more than a mother’s words.
@linabean – I don’t know. I get your point about the “negatives” but I’d rather hear those and offer something to that than to hear all the bragging. The worst is when a mom brags after another mom has shared struggles …. ouch!
I know people who brag about material things – vacations, income, home renovations, electronics, shopping, etc. Conversations seem limited to “Show and Tell.” I tend to just smile and nod.
This sounds like small talk to me. No, it isn’t deep spiritual conversations and I suppose it could slip into actual bragging, but that seems a harsh assessment to me. If someone engages me in conversational small talk, my part will likely revolve around my home and family because that is the world I live in. I can, of course, engage in deeper conversations about other more weighty topics, but that’s not likely at the park or the grocery store.
I GREATLY prefer when people share the good about their family instead of airing their dirty laundry so to speak. I think it is of the utmost importance to respect the family by not speaking badly about them to random people. If I struggle with one of my children over something, then I may speak to a close friend for advice, but frankly I don’t want a stranger’s advice.
We can’t know anyone’s heart and the only thing we control is our response. I would never roll my eyes when someone is sharing about their child’s achievements because that is rude, imo, and I’m responsible for not being rude. If the other person is being prideful and bragging, then that is between them and the Lord. Unless that person is a friend with whom I have a real relationship, I don’t see it my place to correct their behavior.
Just my 2 cents,
Christie
Does anyone remember when the book 50 shades of Gray came out? I would MUCH rather sit on a park bench listening to a list of accomplishments of someone’s children than listening to all of the ladies rattle off scenes from that book! So there IS a bright side! LOL!!!
I don’t always try to assume the best, but that IS my goal. If you can tell yourself to consider that the other person may NOT be trying to one up you, but rather that they are excited about whatever their child is doing because they genuinely LOVE their child and WANT THE BEST for their child, and then you can respond to that intent, it might change the direction of the conversation even if that WAS NOT the original intent.
I find the classic – “How to Win friends and Influence People” to be a GREAT tool for finding the best in others, even when it’s not obvious. I highly recommend it and plan on using it as a “course” of study for my kids when they are a bit older… I wonder if they make a child’s version? Hmmm – I’ll have to look into that.
Well, I will say that I don’t seem to be in the situation culturally as you have described. It isn’t hard to homeschool here and we have a lot of people who choose to, it seems. Most of my conversations with other homeschoolers are about what we are doing, how we are doing, our kids, what is and isn’t working, solutions to these as well as past experiences and lessons learned. I don’t think I have ever run into the situation where anyone has ever just “rattled off a list” of their kids’ accomplishments!
I have had MANY conversations where we talk about what the kids are doing, etc. but it has always just seemed to be in the form of natural conversation to me. I don’t remember ever feeling like the other people were trying to “one up” me. Just sharing what is working well and why. Like missceegee said, this is the world I live in, of course this is what the conversation will gravitate towards with others of similar life situations.
This could very well be a cultural thing. I have been through and lived in several cultures that were quite different to each other and it most certainly had a HUGE affect on the way people conversed in general. If your area is very competitive with schooling and the homeschoolers feel they need to justify their choices somehow, I could see how that would lead to a general feeling of competition which of course would lead to a problem with bragging instead of just conversation. The same information could be shared in two different conversations but if one of those conversations has a spirit of comradery, helpfulness and humility, than the things that are said there would not be taken as bragging or “one-up-manship” but as simply a conversation between people in like situations. However, if that same information were to be shared with a spirit of defence, competition, or pride behind it as it’s motive, it would sound just like it was intended…as bragging and to put the others down. If this were the case, than there is nothing you can say, you will simply need to pray over the conversation, your own feelings, and that the Holy Spirit would use you to bring a new spirit of humility and genuine kindness into the group whom you are conversing with. It won’t be easy, though. However, I do believe that The Lord CAN change a culture.
I think that’s the answer I am going to go with…you will need to pray through this one. It may be bigger than you think! You can be used to change the culture, though. I really do believe that these things SHOULD be shared as they can very helpful and encouraging when done with the right attitude and spirit behind it.
-Miranda
I love this forum!
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