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OT: Parenting Woes
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I can’t get anything done. I feel like I am putting out fires all day long (kids: 9 (special needs), 8, 5, 3). I try to have a plan but it falls flat after a week. My kids are not the type to just sit down and play for more than 15 minutes before they are ready to move on to the next thing which is usually outdoors and exploring (hubby feels it’s more like “destroying” than “exploring”). Hubby and I do not sit much and we, too, are usually outdoors (working). We have a basement full of puzzles, kitchen toys, playmobil, marble run, blocks, etc and they never play with it. If I brought out puzzles then they would play with them for a few days and lose interest. They never seem to grab something to play with on their own. Is it typical to still have so much hand-holding and not pursuing self-interest?
The special needs adds a huge element to the day that is hard to explain. I can’t go too far from them due to her explosions so my tasks are usually just things like laundry, cooking, cleaning. They help with these but any time I sit down to look up library books or something related to schooling they have nothing to do with themselves.
My husband feels like they have too much freedom but I don’t know where to draw the line between scheduling their whole day versus allowing them free time to play. Which doesn’t make sense when I type it out b/c they are not playing.
Should I set certain times of the day where they can play outside? If yes, what are we doing all the other time? My son (8) will just wander around not knowing what to do with himself. He refuses to read…he’s ready but just won’t pick up a book.
I know I’m all over the place but I’m confused. I was so independent at 8 compared to where they are. I was also alone a lot so it wasn’t really a choice. Sometimes I feel like they are in a too controlled space that they can’t do anything for themselves or that I have to teach them every.single.thing. This is where I wonder what I just learned from being with peers in school versus to them being home and their peers/sibling pretty much know all the same things they do. Does that make sense?
I have been to seminars by people with more children than myself, and their recommendations are all for a daily schedule. I haven’t been able or really motivated to implement one until recently. It has really changed our lives. We do chores first (their choice which ones from their chart), we eat breakfast, I start one on a school subject and send the others to get dressed. When that one is finished or ready to be left to a worksheet, I start the next one. It took awhile to find our rhythm. They are so much happier with the structure we now have. Give the little ones special jobs (hold the flag during the pledge, pass out crayons, tape art up on the walls, etc.). Also, keep some toys put away and make them ONLY for school. They become special; limit their time with those toys. Kapla blocks are fantastic for this. If they want to be outside, give them a job to do or send them with a jar to find a bug/frog/etc. They can look it up in a field guide later or watch a YouTube video about it. When we read books (especially about animals), they have to get out their Schleich animals and act out the story. They LOVE doing that! If you can manage them like this, they won’t be bored and they will also get a lot done in a day. I won’t lie….it is not easy to make the habit. But it is worth it when you find what works for you.
We have a schedule/routine and it really helps keep us all sane.
For kids who don’t know how to play on their own I have two suggestions. First, let them be bored within safety limits – meaning teach them it is not okay to dig/break/tear apart/destroy anything without permission from you for that particular day. (Ex. I may be great with kids digging in the garden before we’ve planted but not so okay when they are digging up plants we need. Or I may be okay with them tearing apart the fort we made from sticks three weeks ago but I wouldn’t be okay with it the day after the fort was made.)
Second, sit down together and make a Bored List of things they can do when they are bored or when you direct them to the list. (Add pictures for kids who need it!) This has been a great thing because after a few days of everyone brainstorming things for our list we ended up with 50 possibilities. Now I can simply direct the kids to the list. And if they complain that they don’t want to do anything on that list or none of it is fun they know I will give them a chore to undo and redo (unmake your bed and remake it, unload the dirty dishes and reload, dump out one bin of toys and then pick them up) or a chore to do that I keep handy for this (scrub walls until a timer rings, sweep floors, wash a certain number of windows, wipe off doors or cabinets, etc).
I just wanted to add this quote from a book I’m currently reading, Pitchin’ A Fit by Israel and Brook Wayne:
“Over the years, I have found that children who are given clear instructions on what they are “supposed” to doing are much more easier to manage than children left to their own devices.”
Then the authors recommend that you plan your children’s day in blocks of 30-45 minutes. You should switch from fun/hands-on to quiet/studious activities. It takes 2 weeks before you should expect to see improvement.
So for example, yesterday after cleaning up breakfast, my 4 dc ages 2-9 played outside (kite, sidewalk chalk, riding toys). I had to get them started, but they played for close to an hour and I was able to get some laundry started.
When they got hot/tired, they came inside to fold laundry while I read to them. Then everyone helped put the laundry away.
After lunch, we had quiet time. The big 3 read books. I let my littlest one watch a 30-minute “preschool” DVD.
After that, I gave my ds9 some old cabinet drawers so that he could take the hardware off of them with a screwdriver. My other 3 children “painted” the porch with paintbrushes and a bucket of water.
I think that due to their young ages, you will have to help your children all day long. I try to include the children in my work. I ask my children what they would like to do and supply the things they need as much as possible. I don’t ever plan to do too much homeschool planning while my children are awake. I try to do most things which require peace and quiet early in the morning. At this point I am showing them how they can be more independent, but I don’t expect them to entertain themselves all day long without guidance. For me, I have to have some sort of plan or I will deal with fussing and fighting all day long.
HTH
What do they have to do outside? Do they have bikes? Buckets and shovels? A swing? Would they be interested in a nature scavenger hunt? Being responsible for their own plants in a garden?
What about art supplies? Will they go for those? Maybe a YouTube video with art instruction for then to follow while you get some work done?
Yes, on the schedule and make sure each is doing their chores AND helping you and/or siblings with things as well; they have to be trained to consider themselves part of a family unit and think of others; including and especially your special needs child
Just a couple of ideas, survival habits you may have fallen into to make your day easier, but long-term prevents self-direction and imaginative play:
get rid of computer games completely for a while
no tv, except family movie night, or some such thing
do not give them any ideas on what they should do with their free time; they become dependent upon your imagination/brain, instead of using their own (this is where there bowl/chart above comes in handy); I always told mine that boredom was a choice and that if they couldn’t figure out something to do, my choice would be severely labor-intensive and no fun
Do they have time away from each other for quiet time DAILY in their rooms?
No coming out till your alarm goes off; no coming out for anything not already in their room (or chosen to take in there); activity must be a quiet activity (books; playdoh; puzzle; reading; drawing; building blocks; sleeping; velco; cars/trucks/trains, audiobook while playing quietly, etc) My dd didn’t like reading when we first adopted her, so I introdced her to stories via audiobooks, especially Jim Weiss and many other unabridged, dramatic readings (she still remembers her Frog and Toad cds and she’s 15:)
When mine were little, in the summer, we switched our schedule so outdoor time (free or specifically nature-specific) was in the AM and after 5 or 6)
Do they have: a sandbox? slides/swings/monkey bars? bikes? rollerskates/blades? frisbees? garden tools for digging? balls/bats? swords/play guns? sidewalk chalk? are there trees to climb? They need to get WORN-OUT
The more classic children’s lit they are exposed to, the more imagination they will have due to the natural desire to recreate their fav parts
HTH
Thanks for sharing. I’ve come to realize (I’ll humbly admit) that I was missing from the picture. Which also means that there wasn’t much of a plan!
My parents were never around so I always entertained myself (with siblings too). I guess I expected them to do the same even though I am around them. They have plenty to do here but I guess they still need a jump start getting it going.
I’m really trying to be intentional with my time and this opened my eyes to what’s important for our family…relationship.
Enjoy your family!
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