OT: Lack of Friends and Encouragement

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • Misty
    Participant

    Ladies,

    I could just use some encouragement.  I had/have a friend who we use to be close(coffe 2 times a month, 1 or 2 play dates a month (if it worked) and a couples night ever other month – this went on for about 1 1/2 years).  Then back in May it just stopped.  Really almost like that.  We’ve talked and emailed here and there, I thought we were still on track just busy with life etc.  Then I wrote her a email cause I couldn’t get her to text me or anything that basically said what’s up.  Today my heart aches (yet again) as she says she doesn’t have time for a friendship.  It’s odd to both me and my dh, I am praying for her and her family as it’s not the type of answer/behavior we’ve known from them for over 3 going on 4 years.

    So once again I am basically friendless.  I have know this all my life and it’s never really bothered me all that much, but this time it comes with tween/teen kids who also are missing out on friends they had made.  I never had had much luck with friends, either getting or keeping them. I am more than sure I am at least 1/2 to blame for that for I am a sinful person and fall short.  Although she says it has nothing to do with me (which as we all know may or may not be true so we’re leaning on not)

    My biggest need right now is how to let my kids understand I am not mad at her (confused absolutely but not mad), but again we wont be seeing them for who knows how long, if at all.  I don’t want them to judge them harshly, just to be able to understand as best as possible and move on.

    Where is that? For those who are in the same boat as me, with very few or no friends how do you explain it to your kids who want to know why no one will stay friends with us?  My dh and I are at a loss what to say.  would love some love, support and encouragement on this subject.  Mind we we try but it seems like after about a year, they all just disappear, have no time for us or we just can’t connect with people. Thanks for any suggestions on breaking it to the kids.  Oh, yes it has to be done they’ve been asking for 3 months why we haven’t seen them or talked to them at all.

    Phobo
    Participant

    Oh Misty, I’m really sorry to hear this! I have had similar struggles my whole life. It does seem to get harder when your kids are left wondering what’s happened as well. We had a friendship end a couple years back and their kids at the time were my kids only friends. My daughter just couldn’t understand why we weren’t seeing them anymore. Now we’re in a much better place friend wise, but would still love to find some friends that we could actually have a really deep friendship with. I know it’s so easy to be thinking it’s because of you, but I find a lot of these times it’s not. I have an example from the other perspective. Years ago, my husband and I were about to get divorced. No one else knew this because it involved a lot of very serious things that for a number of reasons we just couldn’t trust anyone with the details. So here I am, my life falling apart around me it felt like, grieving terribly, but really trying to keep things private as well as maintain normalcy for the children. I had some friends that at the time I just couldn’t imagine seeing. I felt like I couldn’t possibly say anything to them that wouldn’t feel like a lie, since I had so much stuff buried. I also just felt so emotionally drained that I couldn’t muster up the energy to be with others. Because our marital issues blew up after some discoveries, it literally was out of the blue, one day I was completely withdrawn socially/emotionally without warning. I have no idea what is going on with this person, but just thought I’d offer that sometimes it really is just something that someone else is going through and it may feel like it has to do with us, but it doesn’t.

     

    I have always found you lovely, supportive and funny on the forum, so no doubt you carry these qualities in real life, so it’s likely not to do with you. I do find that it gets harder to make friends as I get older as it seems like others already have such longstanding friendships already that they’re not looking to have more. Every time I read posts like this I wish we could shrink the world a bit and meet up because I feel the same way very often.

     

    Big hugs to you today!

     

    Rachel

    joannarammell
    Participant

    Ditto…Big hugs!

    nebby
    Participant

    Personally I would write a letter (a real paper one, not an email) saying if we have offended you please tell us how and if you are having your own issues that are keeping you away know that we still love you and are praying for you and are here when you need us. I’ve lost a number of friends too 🙁

    Nebby

    Misty
    Participant

    Thanks everyone.  Rachel for sharing such a personal story {{hugs}}.  Yesterday after reading the email from her and talking with dh I felt lost, not really sure about it.  Which was so much better than today.  Today I woke now realizing I have lost a very dear friend, no we actually use to call each other sister.  Now I just keep crying.  I ddn’t realize how hard it would be.  She wants to just email.  That’s it, no coffee, no play dates, no texting just a weekly update.  I don’t know if I can go from the close relationship we had to just a quick note like I would to my aunt?  Please just if you would send a quick prayer to our Lord to come and shelter me under his wings till the hurt isn’t there no more while my dh isn’t here during the day.  Last night he just held me.  I love my husband cause he knew that’s all I needed is to be held.  Praise God for husbands.

    psreitmom
    Participant

    Misty, I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have said a prayer for you, that the Lord will comfort you and will fulfil that need of friendship in your life. As far as the situation with this particular person, if she is willing to email, then she is not cutting all ties with you. As Phobo said, maybe there is something going on with her. I agree with nebby to write a real letter (if you can’t talk to her) and ask her to please tell you if it was something you said/did that offended her, or maybe even something one of your children may have said or done. Then just let her know how much her friendship has meant to you and how much you will miss your time out with her, but you will respect her wishes to email. Then tell her she is always welcome to call or visit anytime. If she does not totally cut you off, keep that door open. If she valued your friendship before, you never know what could happen.

    Do you have other homeschoolers around? If so, are you involved with them? When I homeschooled my older three, we were in a fairly large homeschool group. I was surrounded in that group by people I considered friends, but, I can’t say I had any real close friendships as you have described. That was my childrens’ opportunity to get out to be with other children. Now I have one particular friend I do get together with on a personal basis. Not often because she lives 40-45 minutes away. We have a lot in common, so we just clicked. Earlier this year, we began discussing a ‘spiritual’ issue, mostly on email, that ended with us not seeing totally eye to eye on it. I could just feel a barrier beginning to form. So, we quickly ended the discussion. We still don’t totally agree, but we have had to put it aside, because it wasn’t something that should come between a friendship. But, now when I am with her, I think about that issue, and wonder what she is thinking. Does she think I am looking down on her? What does she think of me? We do not talk as often by email as we used to. Maybe because she is busy, but sometimes I feel it is the result of our disagreement. She still emails about general things and we still still get together, but I have learned that email is not the best way to talk about personal things.

    So, if you can’t talk in person, send a letter. Keep emailing about general things, pray and leave it in the Lord’s hands. Misty, your posts have always shown that you are a sincere follower of our Saviour. Right now, allow Him to fill your void and His Holy Spirit to be your comfort. I know it is not easy to deal with these things in the flesh. I have dealt with many hurts and disappointments through the years in the flesh and even allowed my emotions to bring stress and anxiety to my body. I have determined to never let myself get to that point again. No matter what happens with this friendship, you still have the very best Friend of all.  

    curlywhirly
    Participant

    Hi Misty, just wanted to say BTDT.  I’m praying for you.

    Threekidsmom
    Participant

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I lost a very close friendship last year, so I know the loss and the hurt that you feel. I know this is going to sound cliche-but during that time, I really had to learn what it meant to lean on the Lord for friendship and to look to him to fill the needs of my heart. I would keep the situation in prayer, as the others mentioned, maybe she is going through something difficult right now. I would also consider gently conveying to her that you and your children are hurting over this-maybe she doesn’t realize the effect she is having. I also wanted to suggest a book-it’s called Friendship for Grown Ups by Lisa Whelchel. I read it and learned much from it. Again, I’m so sorry you are going through this-I will pray that the Lord will draw near to you and your children in a special way at this time.

    Kristen
    Participant

    ((HUGS)) I have been in a similar situation also; where a really good friend (and my kids friends as well)  just dropped off the face of the earth.  They moved away and I figured I would still have email to catch up with her but when I asked a question she would tell me that it was to hard to answer in an email and so nothing ever got answered.  I also felt left out by some other friends (still do some of the time) but I try to also lean on the Lord and am thankful every day for my DH who is definetely my BEST friend.  We may never figure out what was the real reason for the rift but it hurts just the same.

    Prayers to you and your family.

    Canoearoo
    Participant

    I have had that problem my entire life.  When I was younger I thought some evil voodoo person put a curse on me Wink  Anyway.  I have just desided that God knows what I and my family needs for friends and I will trust Him 100% in this area.  Worry abut it has never fixed it anyway.  Tongue out

    LindseyD
    Participant

    Misty,

    I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It hurts, I know. I had a very difficult time making friends until I was in my early 20s. I never really clicked with girls growing up, and my best friend was my brother. I had one other good friend at school who was a guy, but we were not romantically involved. Girls just didn’t like me, and I didn’t really care for them either. My first real girl friend came along when I was in my early 20s. This was the first female I could truly be myself around and not fear judgment. It was wonderful! We’re still friends, although distance has us separated by almost 500 miles now, and I haven’t seen her in over a year. We don’t talk regularly, but she’s one of those friends that we just pick up wherever we left off whenever we’re together. There’s no pressure to talk once a week or e-mail all the time or anything.

    I’ve had other friends since her that were also like best friends to me. I am not a person who needs many friends; just 3-4 close friends at a time is plenty for me. 

    As with just about everything else in life, I’ve realized that these things happen in seasons. There have been seasons of my life when I had a really special friendship with a person, and then seasons where we just drifted apart. It was no fault of either of us, there were no offenses, it just happened. When I met L’lani, my first true friend, we had several years where we got together on a weekly basis, talked on the phone, and went to church together. It was a great season that neither of us will ever forget! Then, because of her children being in public school, my husband and I moving off to Bible college, and life after all that, our friendship is in a different season. It’s not bad, just different.

    I started a new season of my life when we relocated a couple of months ago. I have already made a handful of great homeschooling friends, and we get together with and without our kids. Some of them may move off in the future or life may happen, and this season will come to an end. All seasons do.

    I’ve had other friends that I’ve been really close to and then for one reason or another the season changed. It’s bittersweet when this happens. Usually, God is opening a door for a new friendship in my life or because I was giving that friendship too much time and needed to focus more on my family. I’ve also had seasons where I didn’t have any real friends at all, and those were lonely times. 

    I’m sorry you’re hurting over the loss or change of your friendship. I would just encourage you to make sure you have asked forgiveness for any offenses you may have caused, and then move on since she obviously has. You can still be nice to her when you see her, but that shouldn’t stop you from accepting this change in your relationship and seeking out new friendships. This is a new season for you, and the Lord may have a wonderful woman who will be the greatest friend you’ve ever had waiting for you. 

    Blessings,

    Lindsey

    Angelina
    Participant

    I’m sorry you are hurting Misty. ((HUGS))   As mentioned so often by others above, I’ve always found you to be very warm and caring here on the forum.  Every time I see your name on a post I think to myself, “Well, I know Misty will have something friendly, caring and honest to say!”  No matter what the topic!  FWIW, we’ve had a few friend issues from time to time over the years.  Situations at least slightly similar to yours where all of sudden we don’t hear from someone who seemed to be a close (or becoming close) friend, and other situations where we’re attending a big gathering of friends or neighbours, we make connections and have conversations (which seemed pretty meaningful, at the time anyway) and then never hear from them again.  I would usually try not to care, tell myself that they are busy – seems like almost everyone I meet these days is stressed and busy, busy, busy!  But it’s natural for anyone to find themselves in the “can’t help but wonder if it’s ME” mindspace.  Whatever the case, I know that you know that by the Lord’s divine will, you’re going to heal and begin to feel less of the empty space in your heart.  And God bless your dear hubby and his comforting embrace!

    I will tell you something more, on a personal note.  When I look back now at some of the acquaintances and “friendships” that didn’t work out (and that hurt me, at the time), I’m mindful today that many of those people took a different path in life than I did.  None of them homeschooled, many became addicted to the extra curricular activities schedules of their kids, very few embraced faith in God as the core of their life…I could go on and on.  When I reflect on all this, I am personally very aware that my heavenly Father allowed these friendship shifts (and the pain, for me) in order to set me firmly back on His path.  I don’t mean to imply at all that this is your situation, Misty, just wanted to share that this gives me a lot of comfort nowadays.

    Blessings!

    Angie

    Misty
    Participant

    Thank you ladies, I have truly read each note closely.  I decided to write an actual hand writen letter to her today.  I just basically said all though I don’t understand, asked for forgiveness, I will leave it as she wishes.  If she wishes to email, it will be her call to start that up, that my door is open and I appreciated the friendship we had. I will read what she writes and give only what she is asking for in return.  If it’s meant to be God would mend it, if it’s not.. well then it is what it is.  Postage stamp and drove it to the post office.  No turning back.

    Thanks ladies so much.  I hate to say it but it’s nice to know I am not alone and other are or have been in the same spot.  I think God is always working in me, and I most diffenently know God likes me to be alone with my family.  I guess sometimes it would just be nice to be on the otherside of the road for more than a year here and there.  But trust in the Lord always!

    Claire
    Participant

    I’m so sorry Misty.  I echo the things said here by Rachel and Lindsey.  But I also know that doesn’t make it feel easier or better.  It’s hard to know what to do and how to proceed in these times.  I’m thinking about you and hoping you know you are not alone in these struggles.  Everyone … in their own way … goes through these stages and often more than once.  Know that good things are coming your way and don’t let your troubles cloud your vision for seeing what is in your life and what is coming to you.  I only say that because i find that I do that when something is troubling – I forget to count my blessings and to be open to what I do have that is good, great, positive and blessed.  I also think far too much about things and am learning that I need to put that energy forward and not let it mull around me or keep me in the past.

    -Claire

    amama5
    Participant

    Hi Misty:)  I am a lot like Lindsey, never really had friends that were girls/women (one good friend that I still talk to every now and then), I had brothers/boy cousins, always had friends that were boys/men.  Once I got married that obviously had to change, and I have my husband as my best friend, which it sounds like you do too, which is wonderful.  I have had a few friendships like yours, although not as close, where they drop off for some reason, and say I didn’t do anything wrong, etc.  But I think they are either lying about that to avoid conflict/hurting my feelings, or maybe there is some reason I wouldn’t know about, like Rachel said.  I also think that I may have pushed people away though, either by direct comments, or by my character.  I think I’ve meant well, but maybe in the past gave too much advice about things (women not working, child rearing, etc).  I also think some friends felt like I had it all together (despite my reassuring them I never do, just come over to my house for a day!!)  They would see that I had 6 publicly obedient kids that were being homeschooled, and I cook all our meals, etc. and feel like they couldn’t even handle their two.  Those friends also didn’t want to talk about spiritual things though, or solutions to problems, and I think trying to lead dsicussions that way caused rifts.  I also know I don’t understand women very well, and I’m very different than most.  So anyways, I guess I’ve learned to just lower my expectations in a friendship.  Still give my all to a friendship, be loyal and loving and available, but know that it may not last and that’s fine.  

    I also make it very clear to my kids that our family is our best friend, that friends may come and go, but our family is what God gave us to be together for the rest of this life, and we always have that.  I know that doesn’t help with older kids that want to spend time with peers.  Maybe you guys will find a great famiy through church or a co-op someday that will be friends for life (or spouses for your kids:)  Hoping you have more peace now after writing your letter.

     

    Adrienne

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23 total)
  • The topic ‘OT: Lack of Friends and Encouragement’ is closed to new replies.