OT: How to talk with my parents?

I know I’m commenting a lot on this. My parents are coming to visit this weekend and will be here for 2 weeks and I’m trying to work through how to deal with it myself. So, the fact that I’m going all over the board here is my way of processing it. 🙂

I’ve told my mom that if not doing what our parents did is dishonoring, then we are simply stuck because my parents and my in-laws didn’t raise their kdis the same.

I’ve had both sets of parents yell at me in front of my children. I’ve had to ask my in-laws to leave (they didn’t listen). I’ve had my mom tell my kids that it’s their daddy’s fault she doesn’t get to see them very much (we live 2000 miles away from her.) 

I have no idea why there seems to be a generation of grandparents where this is just too common of behavior. My parents and my in-laws would have not put up with that sort of interference.

I’m now into saying, “I don’t care if my rule is that my kids can only eat purple. You don’t have to agree with it. You have to respect it.”

I think that for me (and it sound like for Misty), the problem is that when they know what your wishes are and still walk all over them, trying to maintain a relationship and let them be around the kids seems impossible.

It’s easy for me to have ideas on how to deal with a specific incident (like I can open gifts and see what’s in them before I let the kids have them), but I have no clue on how to deal with the underlying issue that is a complete lack of respect for the autonomy of our family.

I’m agreeing with jawgee again. If there were sneakiness and encouraging disrespect/rebellion, I would address it, but I would want to consider my heart, too. My husband and I choose how to raise our kids and it’s quite different from how I was raised. My parents aren’t offended though. They might think I’m odd at times, but they do respect me and that it’s our decision. I think that may be the difference. Forgive me if it’s a wrong assumption, but Misty it seems that there is a lack of respect both ways. You don’t like their choices and they don’t like yours and instead of being able to agree to disagree peaceably, there’s tension both ways.

Misty, we live 5 miles from my mom, so we see her once weekly at a minimum. If my kids go to her home, I either say nothing or I’ll be upfront – they just ate, so just a small snack or they watched an extra show this week so no tv. She honors what I ask. Now, we’ve had another more serious issue with her. At one point, she drank and sometimes to excess. After one such incident, I had a very serious talk with her and forbade my children from going to her house because I will not expose my kids to excessive drinking or the safety issues it can cause. She was still welcome at our home if sober and that talk is what led her to sobriety. There was a year where they didn’t visit her home, though. To me, that was an issue worthy of confrontation. Junk food isn’t, tv isn’t. The encouragement of disrespect and rebellion through junk food, tv, etc. would be worthy of confrontation for me. I would pray for wisdom and the ability to speak calmly and respectfully remembering that a soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger. Then I would address the attitude and heart issues as opposed to the specifics on their own. I’m sorry, I do know it’s not easy.

This is so tough and balance is necessary.  The kids are your kids, but your parents are still your parents.  There are many people who have no parents left anymore that wish they could have them around even if they disagree on some things. So, my advice, for what it is worth, is to tread softly.  You will win your parents’ respect on these issues much more if your attitude is still very sweet and kind and respectful to them as adults and your parents.

I do not agree with my mother in law on many issues, but I have decided to pick my battles.  Sometimes the battle goes to her side, but it is one battle.  In those cases, I usually back off the contact a bit.  She is 5 minutes away and she and my husband work for the same employer! But, it can be done.  Limiting that is.  I have found that just being unavailable a bit for things often works better than confrontation. Not that I am afraid to confront if needed, but, I have found that it doesn’t usually help much anyway. After a bit of time of not being available for her events and not getting together and I think she sort of figures out that she needs to go with our flow a bit. Then when we do get back together it is better.

  Boundaries.  That is an important thing with extended family.  Boundaries.  Set some, own them, enforce them in a non-confrontational way. Actions speak louder than words usually.

I guess in summary I would say that setting boundaries for yourselves and then just living that out is often easier than trying to convince family that you know better. This is still tough, so as others have said, Pray.  Ask God to intervene on your behalf.  He will.

May I respectfully suggest that instead of thinking about the things you disagree about you turn your focus instead towards you own relationship with your parents? Is there something amiss there? The issues you that you are having sound more like symptoms, while the true problem is probably something deeper. Pray for God’s guidance. He is always with you.