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OT: How to talk with my parents?
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Ok I know I am not alone. I grew up one way. My mom did the best she could (parents divorced – my dad (who I call dad) came around when I was 8). I didn’t turn out to bad (LOL) as my mom always likes to remind me.
BUT here it is the BIG BUT, my dh and I want to raise our kids differently. Hopefully.
How do you sit with your parents and say, hey we know you love our kids and they love you, but you are constantly stepping on, over and around our toes. Also, my kids ADORE my dad and to say no to him would be like sinning, so when grandpa offers something I don’t know if they would say no if I didn’t over hear and give the “no” look. My dh feels the same way and lately it’s gotten to the point we need to talk. But how?
Have you done this? Did it go ok? Bad.. if so what would you have done different? Good.. pointers please?? How do you honor your parents and yet say.. it’s not ok that you do/did this. We don’t like when you … Thanks friends for anything you have to offer. Misty
Ugh, I feel for you. I think my mom would PURPOSEFULLY try to get my girls to skirt some family rules we have and that is WHY we never leave our kids alone with them. It’s easier now because my kids are still relatively young and my mom is farther away – 2 hours, I don’t anticipate that it will always be so easy to avoid the overnights, but hopefully by then my kids will be old enough to know better than to let Granny lead them astray. Good luck! Looking forward to hearing some sage advice.
This isn’t an easy one at all. And how it goes depends on how well they can handle the fact that it’s your right and responsibility to make the rules for your kids.
We’ve been working on this sort of thing with both sets of paretns, and it’s simply not pretty or simple. I’ve tried all sorts of nice approaches, “I know you are expressing love by giving ________. But this doesn’t fit with the values we want to pass onto our children. Could you do something like ________?”
If they won’t listen, you have to just find other ways to enforce the rules. I’ve opened gifts ahead of time to see what’s in them. Some people just don’t get it.
Here is a previous thread from when we went through a similar experience. Lots of great stuff: http://simplycharlottemason.com/scmforum/topic/candy-from-grandparentssituation
Oh, I can totally relate to opening gifts ahead of time! I haven’t done it, but my girls know that sometimes granny gets them things that need to be modified to make them appropriate – good thing we’re learning to sew! adding inches and fabric. She gives my 14 year old neice Victoria Secret bras!!!
As said above; this is not easy and sometimes it’s down right ugly. I had to talk it out with my mother because I am tired of always being told I am wrong. Or what I am doing could be better. I tried to say it as nicely as I could but it had to be said. My reasons for talking to her are different than yours but the process is about the same. Say it but say it as politely as you can. Sorry but that is all I can offer. I had to stand up to my mother as she has put me down all my life and she was starting to do it to my kids and I will not allow that.
I am on both ends of the spectrum, meaning that I am a mother and a grandmother. Being a mother of an adopted child, I have handled some things differently than what would be considered the norm in my extended family. So, I have dealt with some negative feedback. I know I have not defended myself like I should. It is difficult, because I don’t want to drive a wedge between those relatives and myself.
Now I am a grandmother, and my son and his wife are doing things even more different than what we do…..discipline, diet, etc. We just watched our granchildren for two days while our son and dil were away. While it is not possible to do every little thing the same way with the children, we tried our best to do things as closely as they would. Honestly, I can’t say my dh and I totally agree with everything, but I know there are some areas we could and have learned from them:) We love our kids and grandchildren, so even though we may not agree with some things, we respect what they are doing, and would never do anything to hurt our relationship.
I know this does not help as far as advice, but this is my situation. As long as what they are doing is not wrong Biblically, we can be at peace with one another.
Thank you everyone. I do wish this could be easy. I also know this needs to be done. We haven’t let my kids stay alone with my parents but one or two occasions. (in 15 yrs) They don’t like that but they don’t make it easy when they will not respect our way that we raise our kids.
Here’s an example: We are going to spend Memorial weekend with them up at their lake place. I usually will plan the meals and bring the food then that way we have no issues. They always grab more food and that’s the only food we have to say no to which doesn’t end up to bad because we have all our food made and there. But my parents stopped by and my mom says how about you make a pan of rice crispy bars? I just said I don’t think this time. Which she goes, why not? (with a tilt of a head and a little snot in her tone). Mind you under most times I would chalk that up to a oncce in a blue moon thing andn wouldn’t have argued and made them. But in the last 2 weeks with my grandmas passing we’ve ate out or processed food in the last 2 weeks more than we have in the last 2 years.
At which point that wasn’t enough she proceeds to say.. it’s just rice crispies. So I just said..yeh I know but we’ve ate so much processed foods and out that the kids are not themselves and I am not either. Our bodies are just not able to deal with that and it’s been to much. So she throws at me… well will our beef be ok or is that not good enough for you either??? (I wanted to yell NO it;s all corn feed, GMO, gross, BUT of course I said it would be fine) and changed the subject.
It’s not going to go well. This is going to hurt no matter what. Thanks for the thoughts and comments. Please pray God will lead me when to talk this through with them. That there hearts will be open and my actions honoring. They are not very religious people at all, so it’s hard. They are the Easter/Christmas type 🙁
I find it helpful to pray for understanding and discernment about what is a difference of opinion in childrearing and what could lead my child’s soul astray. While a difference of opinion about food or discipline may be an annoyance, it is not necessarily of long-term consequence or damaging to my child’s soul.
I agree with jawgee. I know many of us have our own ways of eating and disciplining that differ significantly from how we were raised. However, I would be very careful here. I wouldn’t go breaking fellowship over food choices unless there was an allergy situation that the parent refused to deal with. It’s very easy to allow OUR way of eating or disciplining become an idol of more value than the people around us. My mom buys my kids plastic noisy toys that I would never buy, she makes them cakes and cookies that I do not, she lets them watch tv (movies) every time they visit her unless I say no at the beginning of the visit. Even with all of the choices she makes that I wouldn’t, we love her and respect her and I know without a doubt that we will never help lead her to Jesus if we argue about all the things we don’t choose the same. Those annoyances matter not a bit when I consider it isn’t a long term consequence to my child’s soul.
I offer my opinion humbly. It differs from many here, but unless there is disrespect or a safety issue that needs addressing, I wouldn’t have a confrontation.
Warmly,
Christie
This brings to mind a passage or two from the Bible. Jesus is speaking to his disciples after His resurrection in Mark 16, saying, “And these signs will follow those who believe: In My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them…” I think there is a special protection for believers in Christ who are trying to do what He desires us to do, so that if there is a situation where we are offered something such as GMO meat and we know it would not bring about peace between us and in-laws or parents to refuse it (or there is simply nothing else available to eat), we will not suffer long-term harm from eating it.
Of course, this is different than with allergies and other medical situations where there is significant short-term risk to a person. Those are the things I would be firm on.
The Bible also says in Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” It is often hardest to live peaceably with close relatives. A vacation at a lake cabin (oooh, I so want to stow away with you, Misty; that sounds so nice) can be a good opportunity to share your faith with other family members, but it’s not so easy if there is tension among the group. I think if you are able to assure her that you appreciate her providing beef (even if it isn’t what you would use) in a way that doesn’t seem as though you are merely tolerating the beef, you’ll show her the kindness and love of Jesus. It’s just like jawgee & Christie were saying.
I agree. Unless it’s an allergy or something, I wouldn’t make it an issue of contention. And, I’d just bring foods that the kids could eat and instruct them to politely not eat the things they aren’t supposed to have.
We can’t control what people offer us. If they know they shouldn’t and keep doing it, that’s really up to them. We have to teach our kids to respectfully respect our rules.
We want to reflect Jesus in such a way that the only thing unbelievers can say bad about us is that we are too loving. And we don’t want unbelievers to think that side issues are the core of Christianity (though food allergies are super important in families…I understand that and we deal with them, too).
I buy grass-fed, hormone/nitrate-free, organic as much as I can, fruits/veggies every meal, etc. And now we’ve found out we have food sensitivities to dairy and gluten which I’m trying to eliminate as much as possible. However, when we go out or are visiting I just don’t worry too much about it. Hubby is not 100% in agreement w/me on these issues(but wonderfully allows me to spend the extra $$ on these things). It’s very sad when our house is pretty peaceable EXCEPT for food issues!!
I agree w/those above about being careful about making a big deal about it if it’s just for a weekend. However, if it’s an ongoing thing I might address. For instance, my kids play freely w/the neighbors kids….wonderful, mostly Christian families. However, most of these kids are allowed to grab sodas, junk food whenever they want. So, since this will be an almost daily occurence in the summer I do feel the need to tell the kids and ask the parents to not give/receive any snacks at friends house. But if it’s just occasional I personally wouldn’t make a big deal about it. Unless, as mentioned, it’s a food allergy or something that really causes immediate harm I’d just pray over it and not risk relational strife.
I do also fear that if I toe the line so strictly that the kids have no treats they will likely rebel against it as soon as they can. My Christian friend who has been SO strict with her kids(understandably so w/all their food sensitivites and the issues they deal with) is now dealing w/kids stealing $$ to put in their food account at school so they can sneak snacks. It’s a crisis point in her family.
Sorry so long:) I’m a person who is really grossed about by beef unless it’s from my Christian grass-fed farmer. I pretty much won’t eat it anywhere….but kids/hubby do and I just pray for no harm each time they do:) Blessing as you decide the best thing for your family! Gina
I agree. For us it’s not a food issue (though my MIL did once send a box of eater gifts packed in popcorn balls when she knew my 2 year old was allergic to corn. She admitted she knew he couldn’t eat it and sent it anyway. :-/ )
For us, it’s toys. Simply too many. And I ask the grandparents to limit and they have a really hard time with that. And occassionally send gifts we find inappropriate. I don’t want my kids to think it’s acceptable to return gifts like that or make an issue. So, we try to be gracious, say thank you and then deal with what we don’t want in our home.
And, yeah, I don’t want my kids to resent that I don’t let them have gifts grandma sent. (Thus, I have been known to open them ahead of time. 🙂
I imagine that food is not the only issue. Misty said that was one example. We have been through tough grandparent situations too. Food clashes were just one symptom of the underlying problem. Family size, breastfeeding, homeschooling, modest clothing, toy & media decisions, obedience & respectful attitudes (of children towards adults) have all been attacked at some time or another. Dh and I aren’t as “strict” as we probably should be about the food that our children consume, but we are diligent regarding the ideas & attitudes that their hearts and minds feed on. But there are times when we put the brakes on the junk food. So when grandma slipped a sugary treat to my child & whispered, “Don’t tell your mom,” I was angry. Not about the food but about the seeds of rebellion she was sowing in their hearts. She might as well have said, “You don’t have to do what they say & I’ll help you.” And that was not an isolated incident. Just a food example. I had tried talking to my mom, reasoning with her, with no peaceful results. One day during one such “discussion” (arguement?), I blurted out, “Did you and Daddy raise us exactly as each of you had been raised?” Of course they hadn’t; they were different individuals with different values raising different children in a different generation. There may be some overlap, but they were not carbon copies of their parents. They didn’t want to be! So I honestly don’t understand why they take such offense when we make choices different from their own. Not destructive choices like substance abuse or something. Just a different path in life. Anyway, that inspired question (or her considering the answer) was a turning point in our relationship. My mom does not undermine our authority like she used to. She does not agree with everything we do or believe, but we have been able to disagree without being disagreeable. Something that helped me have the right attitude during this time was Sonya’s blog post about a person being more than just that one fault. I wish I could link it. I don’t know if it’s in the Learning Library or not. Sorry for my long rant. This topic hits me hard & I wanted to share my experience. I sure hope you have a peaceful & happy visit, Misty!
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