OT-How to manage big age difference between siblings?

Anne,

I have three sons, 23, 10 and 10 next week (youngest adopted from China 4 years ago.) As you can see, there are 13 years between the first two. I don’t have a lot of time at the moment but I do understand. My oldest had a lot of resentment toward us when he found out I was expecting. When the baby arrived, he was sort of fascinated by him, I think, plus every time my son was in the room, the baby would follow him with his eyes. 🙂

As my youngest got older, however, it wasn’t as fun for my oldest. He was 15-16 years old and didn’t want/need a 2-3 year old tagging along. (Although sometimes he did because it got him some attention with girls because of his cute little brother.). I basically had two only children. I spent a lot of time with my youngest. Grandpa cherished this second grand baby and basically was at his command. He and my oldest were also very close and they would golf together. My oldest would still spend time with the youngest. I didn’t “require it” or “schedule” it a lot. Sometimes I would just say, “Why don’t you make some time for your little brother today.” One thing my oldest enjoyed was having an excuse to play with his old toys again. Sometimes he would see the youngest playing with something and he would say, “I remember playing with that.” And , especially,if his brother asked him how something worked, they would soon be playing together. We also had two wonderful exchange students from France when the youngest was 4 which gave him two more teenage brothers for a year. Then, when he was 6, he got another brother 7 months younger than he is.

So I guess our situation wasn’t exactly normal, but I understand the hurt and frustration. I do believe it’s a heart issue. The teens should be expected to spend some time with the younger because he is family. The youngest has to understand everyone is not at his beck and call. Our families are precious gifts from God and we nurture and cherish those relationships. We’ve had that talk many times over the years. Oh…did my boys argue even with the age difference? You betcha. Still do sometimes when my oldest is home. And we have that conversation all over again. 🙂

Blessings to you. Maybe reaching the heart of you teens to see how much their little brother looks up to them and what a huge responsibility, and gift, they have in ministering to him in that way will mean to him and help them find little ways to do that. And balancing it with helping the youngest understand the limitations others have for meeting his social needs. It’s a fine line, I know.

I had this situation growing up. My older brother is 51 this year. I’m 39. My younger brother is 31 this year. We had a sister who would be 50 this year had she lived, but she died at 18. She actually lived in an institution due to being severely mentally retarded so I never lived at home with her. I remember adoring my older brother and lapping up any attention I got from him. He would play with me and doted on me at times, but he had his own life. When I was expected, he told my mom if I was a girl, he ould throw me in a river bc he wanted a brother. However, he ended up naming me. When my mom had my little brother 20 years after my older one, the older said, “I always wanted a brother, but I didn’t want you to wait til I was grown to have him.” The brothers were never really close, but got along fine. I adored my younger brother and became like a second mom when our parents divorced when he was 2-3. We were very close until I left home at 18 which he resented due to our dad’s drinking. I remember him calling me and begging me to take him with me. It was heart breaking. That pulled us apart much more than I would like. We get along great, but the closeness isn’t the same. My dad finally gave up drinking years ago and he and my younger brother now have a great relationship and are business partners. No one is really close to my older brother due to his troubles with alcohol and drugs, except my mom. Sad, but true.

All that long winded story to say, our parents didn’t help or deter with sibling relationships. They just let it be. Were my kids far apart in age, I’d do the same thing I do now, I think. That’s work toward turning their hearts toward each other, not allowing any meanness, and encouraging time together. I know it isn’t always the easiest, but I pray you can help bind their hearts together.

That’s the key, Isn’t it. Binding our hearts together no matter the ages of our children. Even in disagreements, which come for sure, honor and respect must be first priority.

We have the same issue in our home to varying degrees.  Our younger two are very close playmates, our oldest is like an adult who can not relate to their kind of “play.”  He knows he grew up too fast (just his personality) and finds it very difficult to play with them in what they are interested in.  We don’t force it, but encourage it, by force, LOL.  We don’t schedule it (but not a bad idea) but when the time is right or I/we feel it’s time, then we encourage him to take them for a walk, bike ride, play video games he enjoys, help them with things he enjoys to get the activity going.  Family Subjects help, also.  I try to keep those going so we can spend more time together.  We’re practically home all day together but I’m talking quality time.

We always remind them of the bond they share as brothers and how they should treat each other because of that fact.  But I do understand when people get on your nerves and you can’t get away from them…they live with you! But, I do remind them that as they become adults and have their own lives/homes, they will enjoy each other in a way that they may not right now (my dh and his br. fought constantly, now they are close).  They won’t be living together forever!  In the meantime, I do expect them to respect each other, no fist fighting, no name calling, and some shared time together.  I do encourage/expect my oldest (as hard as it is for him) to be the kind of big brother he can be proud of. I don’t like to hear the younger two say that their older brother was no help to them or just ignored them…there’s no reason for it.  But, I do understand my older ds need for time with his friends, alone time, and to pursue his own interests, etc. 

All that to say, all 3 of my boys do not understand why we ever had the other two. LOL.