OT: Helper to your husband

I agree. While others have posted an ideal of mutual submission in the different ways that husbands and wives were created to respond in relationship to each other, the reality is that it isn’t always so. Even in Christian marriages. I do believe that we as wives have the “right” to gently, lovingly adress the issue with our husbands, so long as we can spend much time examining our own hearts and praying for the grace to bring the issue to him out of love for him and not out of anger or selfishness or bitterness. After all, we were brothers and sisters in Christ before we were husband and wife. I believe that is one way that we DO “help” our husbands. ANd it’s one way that they are called to love us as Christ loved the Church – by speaking truth into our lives with grace when we are the ones with the blind spot. But it does matter how we go about that tricky business. It’s really hard to address a situation like that with a heart for him and his growth in mind and not soley out of annoyance and our own hurt. SO much prayer should go before a conversation like that. 

ANd in the mean time, I think your prayer should include begging God for the grace to do what he has called you to do, even while your husband flounders in his responsibility. I don’t mean doormat style, I mean smiling. And asking how you can help. And daily praying that you would see your husband through the eyes of the Lord. I promise, it does change your perspective! 

I think my husband and I have a pretty healthy marriage. We’re both believers and we both take our roles seriously. Even still, we are sinners who fall into selfishness. Sometimes it even takes us a little while to realize it. We don’t always respond with grace when it’s the other who is being careless in our relationship. Even an “ideal” marriage isn’t always going to feel “ideal”. And that’s where we have to decide whether we’re going to walk in the way that God has laid out for us to walk or whether we’re going to wait to do so until our husbands are also walking in that way. 

If, after much prayer and gentle conversation with your husband, Wings2fly, and he refuses to listen to your concerns, I would take it to a pastor. It’s important. and, in my opinion, you’re loving your husband by getting help. Sin thrives in secrecy but openness and accountability can help drive it away.

Thanks for recommending Sacred Influence. I’ve been thinking about buying it. I’m always looking for good books on this topic because I always need encouragement in this area. 🙂

Oh, I second the suggestion of “Feminine Appeal” – great book!

To the OP, I just remembered some good advice I received from an older woman after I had my first baby. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed with my new responsibilities but still wanted to be a wife and helper to my husband. SHe suggested asking him specifically what were the three things that I could focus my attention on that would make him feel most loved and cared for. For him it was was food, laundry and time together (even with our baby present, just not getting spun up in a “to do” list). For your husband that might look totally different, but those three things, when considered by you, will make your husband feel thought of and nurtured and “helped”.

MrsMcCardell, it has been quite a while since I’ve done this, but I used to ask my husband at breakfast if I could do anything for him that day.  Sometimes he would respond with, “yes, could you mail this or call about that,”  but a lot of the time he simply said, “just love me.”  We have a close, reciprocal relationship.  There are different things we each do to help our home/family life run smoothly, but at the same time each of us jumps in to help the other when needed.  For instance: He is the trash-taker-outer, but it smelled AWFUL one day this week.  I did not wait for him to come home.  I took care of it myself. I am the laundress, cook, and cleaner.  Recently, I had a really exhausting day, and I found him washing up the dishes I had soaking in the sink.  That’s just the way we love.  Don’t know if that meets the Biblical standard, but we are happy and do not have issues I see in many marriages.  I think it is also helps that each partner is growing closer to God.   When your relationship with the Father is is place, your relationships with people sort of fall into proper perspective.

“When your relationship with the Father is is place, your relationships with people sort of fall into proper perspective.”

Yes! And when that relationship is struggling then our human relationships will also tend to struggle more as well. That’s why it’s hard for me to embrace the thinking that focuses on what *should* be instead of what *is*. WHile we can help our husbands by speaking truth into their areas of weakness, I think that should be a way lesser part of how we help. I think our focus always needs to be on my role in loving my husband and not his response. And in the case of unbelieving (or struggling believers) husbands, our sweetness and gentleness and humility in service to them is like a beacon of light. I’m not talking about being a mousy doormat, but a willing and gracious friend. 

I was bothered by many of the comments from the blog post above and I think it was all of the suggestions that the wife stand up for herself and only do the cleaning that was important to her if he wouldn’t help and put her own money in a seperate acct. if he was going to insist on her working… etc. Those comments are the opposite of a grace that pours in when a mate is struggling. Yes, that wife has the “right” to be treated well. And that husband is commanded by God to lay down his life for her! But clearly there are bigger struggles going on there that go far beyond their married relationship that she cannot fix by putting her foot down and demanding better treatment. To me, that is just building the wall of seperation in their marriage even higher. Grace moves in and loves more when our spouses are in sin. And sometimes that love looks like bringing in a third party for accountability. But it always looks like dying to my own rights in order to humbly love another. One day it might be me who is struggling to be a delightful wife for my husband and I hope that he’s willing and able to trust the Lord to give him the grace to fulfill his role anyway. 

Anyway, sorry for that little tangent. 🙂 

(and Karen, coffee brewing smells like love in our home, too!)