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OT: Helper to your husband
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I think it is important to point out that, in the OP’s question, she does state that she and her husband are both Christians. If her husband were not a believer, the situation and the advice given would be different. Since they are both believers, they should hold each other accountable for their biblical responsibilities to one another. If her husband were an unbeliever, then prayer and having that gentle and quiet spirit to win her husband over would be her only option. But since he is a Christian, that changes everything. Just as you and I are able to hold one another accountable because we are believers, so a Christian husband should be able to speak truth in love to his wife and hold her accountable to the scriptures, and vice versa.
I think finding our husband’s love languages goes a long way in making us their helpers.
For example, my husband loves when I spend time with him. So, I try to get my housework/school stuff/ etc., well underway. Then, when I think he’s about done his work (barn stuff) I try to run out to him and walk with him to check the dry/freshening cows or to look over a field or whatever he’s doing. The time and the conversation, sometimes holding hands (if he’s clean!) is valuable to him.
This increases his love for me – helps him to lay down his life (his wants, etc.) for ME! It’s fabulous! So, me sacrificing a bit (leaving the sink with dishes in it or telling the children to work on their own for a bit) is getting me great gains in the love department. And the same is true for my husband. Him sacrificing himself (really, I wish he’d get more sleep!) shows me that he loves us and is doing his utmost to provide for us. In return, I want to obey him.
I think Lindsey really answered what I was getting at. I know the answers are in the Bible but sometimes I need to “see” what that looks like in daily life. I know that’s hard becase we are all so different and in different situations. My husband helps out exactly as Lindsey states in her first response (cleaning up the puke) and I didn’t know if that meant I was failing my end of the bargain. My husband and I have been having an open dialogue with this in the past week so I wanted to bounce it off of my gals here. We see men at church that are completely hands-off and vice versa. I feel comfortable with how we balance it in our house and I can’t believe how well Lindsey summed up our roles in her previous post. We especially need the balance having our dd with special needs as that responsibility alone would burn anyone out…(she is a blessing so I don’t want that to come across as a burden).
I do need to vocalize when I need a break….I actually do, I just need to plan the time. Thanks for all the insight and wisdom from all of you. Blessings.
Well the OP originally asked about being a helper so I will talk about that. Our husbands have someone in the Godhead to imitate. That is Chirst. This is a command for them. As wives we are not commanded to imitate the Holy Spirit, but he is called “The Helper”. So I think He can give us a good picture of what it is to be a “helper”.
Now you may be wondering what that looks like. I think our #1 job as a helper is to pray for our husband.
Romans 8:26 says-
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.”
We are to always be in prayer for our husbands. Sometimes we can pray for them in ways that they don’t even know they need prayer. So petitioning God on their behalf is very important.
Jesus in John 14 says that the Spirit (our Helper) will be with us forever, He is the Spirit of truth, & He will “bring to your remembrance all that I said to you”.
As wives our husbands need to know we are on their side; that we will never leave them (we’re commited). We are their advocate, their cheerleader. We need to speak truth to our husbands. Sometimes we are the only ones that will tell them the truth. However, we need to make sure that everything we say to them is the truth, not just emotion, or what we have heard, etc… We also need to sometimes remind our husband who they are in Christ, or the truth of God’s Word in the situations they face.
And finally the Holy Spirit is our Comforter. We need to be a comfort to our husbands, not someone that brings them greif. I want to be a soft place for my husband to fall; someone he wants to run to, not away from.
Hopefully this helps a little in the practicallity of being a helper.
On a side note. I am not a fan of the Created To Be His Help Meet book. Submission is an attitude of the heart. She does not talk about the Holy Spirit transforming our hearts to submit not only to out husbands, but first and foremost to God. A lot of that book is “grin and bear it” theology. I have met too many women that “submit” with a very bitter heart. That is not what God wants and that is not what our husbands want. I know a lady that will complain and gripe and then say, “but I’m submitting”. I have told my husband of these conversations. His responce is, “That poor man. I would hate living with a woman like that because there is no joy.” Plus, a lot of that book I found to be unbiblical. I also felt the way she spoke of men made them seem very childish. It was disrespectful in my view. It has been a long time since I read it, and I have a horrible memory, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Again jmo.
You are NOT falling short on your end of the bargain just because you are blessed with a hands-on hubby who shares in the responsibilities (and burdens) around the house. My husband and I have definite roles in our marriage. He’s the one who leaves the home every day and goes to work and brings home the paycheck. He takes care of all our finances. He keeps up with car maintenance. I stay home and take care of our home and children. I homeschool. I plan all meals, make the grocery list, and do the majority of the shopping. I do the laundry. Still, neither of us has a problem helping the other. If my husband doesn’t have the time to call a company and take care of a question on a bill, he’ll ask me to do it. If I’m not feeling well and need him to make dinner, he’ll jump in and do whatever needs to be done.
We consider ourselves to be a team. And, while we are great at what we do separately (him at work and me running our home), we’re even better together. We both have the ability and desire to help the other, even if it isn’t our “primary” role. My husband doesn’t have a huge need for time to himself. His love language is physical touch, so he wants to be around me all the time. In fact, he tells people that I’m his buddy and when he’s away from home, especially overnight, he misses his buddy. 😉 He loves to snuggle, hold hands, kiss, and flirt by tickling me or whatever. My love language is NOT physical touch. I’m a pretty private and personal person, so to be touched often is sometimes like nails on a chalkboard to me. LOL But, I respect my husband and I submit to his need for physical touch, even outside of the bedroom. My love language is acts of service. Even though washing dishes or cleaning up puke may be like nails on a chalkboard to him, he lovingly does these things because he loves me and lays down his own desires for me. Equal partnership, equal respect, equal fulfillment.
I’m not saying any of your husbands do this, but it really bothers me when the husband gets home from work and piles up in front of the TV while his wife continues to serve him and her family without a break. That is selfish, and is not the husband laying down his life for his wife. If that is the situation and both spouses are believers, then the wife should absolutely confront her husband with this issue, lovingly and respectfully. Speak the truth in love. So often, however, she remains quiet about it and won’t communicate either her needs or the biblical truth and then resentment builds. This isn’t godly either. And then her heart isn’t in it anymore and it becomes completely works-based where she’s pulling all the weight and calling it submission. That is what can happen when Christian spouses don’t hold each other accountable. It’s sad, but so very common.
I’m not a fan of the Pearls either. I agree with much of what coralloyd said, and I think the Pearls put a ton of weight on the wife and excuse unbiblical behaviors by the husband.
I haven’t read Debi’s book, but I’ve read enough excerpts from their parenting book (To Train Up A Child) to make me want to run the other way from the Pearls… there are some really horrible news stories resulting from people following that book’s advice on discipline.
I don’t want to turn the thread into a “Pearl-bashing”. But I am so glad to hear that I’m not the only one who doesn’t totally agree with their philosophy….or maybe the way they write their philosophy.
Anyway, Coralloyd, you said it pretty perfectly. That’s why I PaperBackSwapped my copy of the book.
And that’s one reason I really like the “Me? Obey Him?” book. The author repeatedly encourages wives ot pray for their husbands. And speaks respectfully of the husbands, too. She never makes you feel that the husbands are childish. She also speaks very clearly to the issue of violence in marriage. And instead of grin-and-bear-it, her words encourage you to pray and change your own attitude. And, it’s short. And there’s no study guide. And I don’t feel like she’s milking it for all it’s worth (no husband’s book, no teen’s book, no engagement book, etc.)
And, MrsMccardell, I think the beginning place for wanting to be a helper is what LindseyD and others have said already – praying for your husband. When I’m praying for my husband, it’s remarkable how well I can remembr to ask him about his day, his stresses. It also prevents me from nagging him. And for some reason, it makes me love him more. I can’t explain it, except that it’s definitely God’s plan for us to uphold our husbands in prayer.
One more book suggestion–although it’s been a few years since I read it, I remember really appreciating it–Elizabeth George’s A Woman After God’s Own Heart.
Love what you wrote, Lindsay. 🙂
It is a beautiful thing to desire to be a helper to our husbands as God intended. However, we can not slip into the mindset that we are in ANY way worth less or lesser than. I think in the bakc of our minds, we sometimes do that and that is where a lot of the struggle comes in. We are still created as EQUALS with men, even though we have different roles. We are co-heirs with Christ just as men are. It has been extremely important for me to remember that, and to be really solid in my own identity in God. Then I can begin to respect and love my husband from a place of fullness!
“Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is a good one as well that really articulates the different roles that husbands and wives have. Not a fan of the Pearls. Also “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian.
I never meant to disagree with you Lindsey. 🙂 I am in complete agreement with husbands helping and loving their wives as Christ loves the church. I was just adressing how that doesn’t always happen and what has helped me and many others in such situations.
I also know many Christian husbands who don’t always obey these scriptures and are still growing in their walk with the Lord and struggling with continuing the bad patterns that were set in their earlier life. I was just sharing that the Lord has given us clear direction for situations like these and God can change our husbands through our submission and respect even when they are not behaving as they should.
God’s instructions to wives are not only to be heeded if husbands are doing their part. Each of us must obey scripture, regardless of the choices others are making.
I don’t think any of this means that we are to be doormats. We are never to disobey scripture to obey our husbands (or anyone else!). We can (and should) share our opinions and beliefs with our husbands and stand up for what is right. I’ve read so many things that make it sound like a wife shouldn’t even voice an opinion that disagrees with her husband or that wives soley exist for their husbands. Baloney! 🙂
Anyhowdy, I just wanted to clear that up as it seemed to go somewhere I never intended.
Blessings,
Melanie
I believe as many have said that prayer is the main thing that we as wives can do to help our husbands. If you are blessed with a husband that sees the needs and helps willingly, be thankful. If you are not in that situation, pray even more. God can soften and change your husband. You can not! He will most likely resist your nagging him, but praying and continuing to be kind to him without adopting the martyer attitude will go a long way.
Every marriage looks different in regards to who does what, etc… But I married my husband.You married yours. You and I most likely knew what they were before we married them and we married them anyway! So, this is where prayer comes in. Pray for him and pray God would open his eyes and his heart to see your needs.
I agree you can approach him lovingly with your needs, as most men are not very perceptive in this area. But, don’t set yourself up for disappointment and bitterness if he doesn’t change his attitudes or actions right away. This is hard!
We cannot change them and I don’t think scripture says that we are off the hook if they are not living up to their end of the bargain. Imagine if it was the other way. Imagine if all our husbands were saying, “I’ll start loving her as Christ loves the church when she gets the submission thing right” Good grief. We’d all be in trouble then!
This is a touchy subject partly because it smacks us in the face, and also because it looks a little different in each home. I do think in the end, the bottom line is to do what we clearly know scripture says for us to do, and then pray that God will cause our husbands to do the same. It is really about our faith and trust in God – submitting to Him, obeying Him. Submitting to our husbands in a sense is just part of our obedience to God. It’s not so much about them. It’s about us and God. We must leave the results, and our disappointments and frustrations, with God.
I am praying for all of us to be all that God would have us be as wives and that we can continue to be encouragers of one another. It is no small task God has called us to!
For those who do like to read these type of books, I have just ordered, after great reviews and suggestions:
Let Me Be A Women by Elisabeth Elliot
Just a suggestion if wanting more to read, it covers many topics as the author writes letters to her daughter.
You made some great points Benita. 🙂
Stephanie-I have also read Elisabeth’s Elliott’s book and it is wonderful.
So how are we to know if our husband is a Christian or not? Define “Christian”. My husband is the “selfish one” who comes home to watch tv all night after working all day to bring home a paycheck. This is not what I signed up for. While dating, he went to church and played card games/board games and went places with me. I feel I was deceived. He quit going to church shortly after we married. But he knows what is right or wrong according to God’s Word and he has been baptized. Confronting him does not help, nor does silence.
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