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OT: Helper to your husband
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I’ve heard this many times before but I am being led to look into this further. We are first-generation Christians coming from broken homes and only have church friends as examples of godly marriage. Sometimes I get resentful of my spouse when he seems free to do more outside of the house…even though it’s minimal. I just read something that smacked me across the face! “God did not make the man to be a ‘helper’ to the woman but made the woman to be a ‘helper’ to the man.”
I certainly have a lot of learning to do with how this plays out in my day to day life.
Any thoughts, verses, books, prayers to help me along? Thanks.
Genesis 2:18 “The Lord God said ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'” (NIV)
1 Corinthians 11:8-9 “For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.”
Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl is a great book about this. It is hard to hear what she has to say at times and a bit controversial when she recomends for a women to stay with an abusive husband, but it will definately give insight into having a mindset of being a help meet.
I’m 10 years into this beautiful mystery of marriage, I do have a godly heritage in my parents and grandparents, and it’s still hard to get that helpmate attitude right! I find the more I focus my thoughts on how my needs aren’t being met or how something is unfair in my marriage, the faster I tumble into a terribly bad downward spiral. The sooner I reestablish praying for my husband daily, asking the Lord to show me how I can bless him, encourage him, and support him, the sooner I find myself enjoying being his helper! That doesn’t mean you can’t tactfully and graciously share some of your desires and needs with your husband during a time of peaceful conversation, of course!
Though I haven’t read it for years now, the book “The Marriage Builder” by Larry Crabb (I think?) was instrumental to me in the beginning of my marriage, as it reminded me that marriage isn’t for making me happy but for making me holy! God is the one who meets my every need, not my husband.
Thanks for sharing openly!
Learning the biblical precepts for marriage and family transformed my life. My husband and I are in very different places spiritually but my respect and submission has changed him just as much as it’s changed me.
Created To Be His Helpmeet was the first book that I read on this topic and it really helped to change my way of thinking but I no longer recommend it because I feel the tone is to harsh and judgemental, with very little grace. I also feel like all of the Pearl books are that way and I disagree with them on so many fronts that I can’t share their books in good conscience.
Some of the books I’ve read include: You Can Be The Wife Of A Happy Husband, Fascinating Womanhood, The Excellent Wife and How To Be A Great Wife Even Though You Homeschool. I can’t say I agree with everything in any of these books but they have all helped me in different ways. 🙂
1 Peter 3:1-6
Titus 2:3-5
My church teaches a lot about how to be happy as couples. They have published a Proclaimation to the World about families. I wanted to share an exerpt here about husbands and wives. If you want to see the whole thing, here’s the link. It’s only one page and just takes a few minutes to read. https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation
It’s by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Here’s the quote.
“THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.”
I love the equal partner part. That is the key.
My husband and I are in no way perfect; but as we try to live this way, it really does lead to increased happiness. Sometimes we all need to remind ourselves that God wants us to be happy together, and he has the way to do it.
the book “Me? Obey Him?” by Elizabeth Rice Handford is (in my opinion) better than Debi Pearl’s Helpmeet book. Elizabeth Handford doesn’t write in as controversial a way as Debi Pearl does. Handford says essentially the same things, but in a kinder, gentler tone.
In our house, me being a helper to my husband means taking care of the housekeeping. (He still needs to do the power-tool-required things because I’m scared!) I also do the secretarial work – that means keeping the farm books and prepping all bills for him (printing envelopes, organizing things so that he can find phone numbers, bills, etc. quickly). I also taek ALL night time care of our children. (there may have been a few nights here or there where he helped out – but it was rare). I take ALL care of sick children. I cook ALL meals. (There again, there have been rare instances where he’s done it.)
I used to have such a bad attitude about it – until I realized too, that I was to help him. Not him help me.
Now, I have no problem with him taking a nap mid-morning (he’s up at 3:30 am and works until about 9; then works again from about 10:30 to 2:30; and then again from about 3:30 to 8:30pm— that’s a huge long day, with all sorts of animal stress, machinery stress, parental stress (his parents work for us), etc.). I used to get annoyed while he was napping because I had fussy babies and lots of housework to do. But do I really want to do his job??? NO WAY!
I also don’t help much on the farm – I do occasionally help feed calves. But I don’t like animals (!). I only touch dogs and bunnies – and that’s only to pet – not to actually handle them in any way. So, I don’t milk, I don’t feed calves, I rarely drive equipment (and then only the skid-loader). I do the books; I do the running around (if it’ll fit in the van); I do all the banking. So he puts up with a lot, too. I need to cut him all the slack I can in the housekeeping/child management area that I can.
Realizing this has changed my life! I might add that something else I practice is obeying him immediately. I’m not always so good at it. But if he asks me to get him a drink or bring him a snack, I try to drop what I’m doing and do it. I’m hoping the children will see this and obey me that way!! (it doesn’t seem to be working, though!
). My husband has an awful habit of saying, “Maybe you’ll _____”. I am trying to teach him that in order for me to actually do ___, he needs to say “will you please ___ or go _____”. Just because of how I hear his original wording (as an option, not as a task to be done). I need him to actually “order” me to do something. OTherwise, I treat it as an optional thing to do, if I have time or if I have the inclination.Along this same line, the recent HSLDA magazine had a good article about patriarchy – the Vision Forum founder’s perspective – and whatever perspective Bill Gothard has/had. (I can’t remember just now.)
Thinking about it more….
I think what bothers me the most about Debi Pearl’s book is the illustration she gives of her husband dropping the garbage bag and going off in a huff and she picking it up for him (or something like that). My immediate reaction is, “Wow. What a spoiled, mean-spirited man!” I feel like in that book, she almost gives the husbands room to be pouty and selfish! I hate that!!! Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church – you can’t get more UNselfish than that.
Okay. Done thinking about that – no more ranting or raving.
Yes, I just read that part. She does go on to mention That he worked more at taking out the trash to make up for his error. She also mentions that many men don’t always love their wives the way Christ loves the church. They will be selfish, unkind, and even hurtful at times (we all act like this at times. I know I have). We should still love them as Christ would love them. It is hard. I have struggled for 10 years and am re-reading the book, and will probably check out a few of these other ones, as I have forgotten and am suffering for it. We can’t change our husbands and they certainly won’t change with nagging or cold shoulders, but they can change with love and prayer, we can only change our reactions and interactions with our husbands.
I think probably most wives struggle with resentment bubbling up from time to time. I firmly believe in being a helper to my husband, but I also believe that I can do that better if I can have some time on my own every once in awhile. I’m blessed in the fact that my husband totally gets that-and he is always willing to do whatever he can to make that happen for me. An hour at Target or Starbucks does wonders….:). So, I would suggest maybe gently talking to your husband about how your’e feeling, see what his take on it is and maybe together you can come up with something that might make you feel like you have a little more freedom?
Before you go into a full-on battle against resentment, I might suggest that it’s possible your husband is simply oblivious to your need for time away… husbands aren’t usually mind-readers! Mine would never notice I was struggling with a need for a break unless I mentioned it. He’s more than happy to accommodate it when I mention it–not necessarily RIGHT that moment, but we plan a time for me to go out for a couple hours, alone or with some girl friends… or he’ll take all or some of the kids and go for a hike or walk around town.
I only mention that because I used to work so hard to fight resentment–“When do I get to take a break??”–and in my case, he simply didn’t realize I needed one. As a man, he’d just TAKE a break if he thought he needed it–I think it never occurred to him that I wouldn’t/couldn’t do the same. I could have avoided a lot of frustration by just communicating clearly (and kindly) in the first place!
First of all, I admire you ladies who read books on becoming better wives, gleaning wisdom and perspective from others who have made a study of the subject. I would like to offer a slightly different way of thinking if I may. As much as the Pearls and others may know on the subject of marriage, no one knows more than the Author of marriage Himself. And while I may have been created to be my husband’s helper, my husband was created to lay his life down for me. I see that truth absent from previous posts. So many pastors and authors and even women are gung-ho about women submitting to and helping their husbands, regardless of circumstances–and they should be. That IS what a wife is meant to do, and it is honoring to the Lord and to her husband and family. And, while it is pointed out that husbands should love their wives as Christ loves His church, what is absent is the next part of the verse: “gave himself up for her”.
Here is the entire passage from Ephesians 5:
Submit to one anotherout of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
I tire of women quoting one small part of this verse to each other in a way that almost puts women in their place (not that I’m implying that you all are doing this!), but taking it out of context. Yes, we should submit to our husbands, respect them, honor them, and do whatever we can to help them in any way possible. And we should hold one another accountable in this too! But what we should not forget is that our husbands also have a duty to us, and it goes further than loving us–although that love is powerful–it means laying down their lives for us. Their desires, their time, their dreams, their sleep, their hobbies, their TV, their jobs, their LIVES.
I love that God is a God of balance and order. He didn’t ask us to do something as difficult and selfless as being a helpmate for our husbands without also requiring them to do something difficult and selfless for us.
In our home, this means that my husband does help with dishes–even when he would rather rest. He does help take care of sick children–even if that means cleaning up puke in the middle of the night. He does go with me to grocery shop occasionally–even if he would rather stay home and enjoy the house to himself. He will make breakfast for the kids on Saturday mornings and give me an extra hour of sleep. He’ll even watch the movie I want to watch instead of the one he wants!
It’s a two-way street, an equal partnership as was mentioned above. We can’t change our husbands, for sure. But we can present them with truth in love, and ask them to come into agreement with us where our marriages and duties to each other and to the Lord are concerned. That’s not nagging, and it doesn’t go against the “gentle and quiet spirit which is pleasing to the Lord” to hold our husbands accountable to God’s word. You can have a voice in your marriage and still be honoring your husband.
It sure does make it a lot easier for me to be selfless and honor and submit to my husband (even when I would rather nag!) because I know that he doesn’t just love me, he gives up his selfish desires and his life for me. My husband doesn’t want a wallflower wife who does what she’s told and never questions anything. He wants a strong woman with a brain and an opinion, someone to challenge him when he’s wrong, to throw out creative ideas, and to stand up for what’s right. I think a lot of men really want that, but we have so many Christian authors and blogs telling us to sit down and be quiet and calling it scriptural.
And if totally went into left field with all that, I apologize.
I get a little worked up about this topic, in case you can’t tell. LOL As vikingkirken said, if you need some time to yourself, just communicate that need. Men aren’t mindreaders, as much as we might like them to be.Blessings,
Lindsey
Hi! I completey agree with what Lindsey said and things she gives good advice for those who have the type of husband who will listen and shares the same goals as you. However, when your husband won’t and isn’t, the only thing you can do is focus on the changes you need to make. Focusing on the scriptures that say what my husband should be doing doesn’t help me. Focusing on the scriptures that give me direction to be the wife I need to be, do.
I listed 1 Peter 3 earlier and it deals specifically with women like me whose husbands don’t choose to obey the word. We, as wives, are given directions for how to win them without the word-and it involves respect, submission and a meek and quiet spirit. When I apply these scriptures to my life, my marriage gets better and better and my husband changes dramatically in reponse. When I try things my way or try to make him see what he needs to do differently, it doesn’t go well at all.
I am so thankful that God has given us direction on this subject in His word. God’s way is the only way and when we obey, we are blessed! 🙂
Lindsey, I could hug you! I get a little worked up about it, too… submission is so important, and I would never want to denigrate that. But meekly saying nothing is not submission OR love, if you’ve never had those conversations in the first place. (After all, submission involves accepting our husbands’ decisions–if you have not brought up any of your concerns, it is unfair to both of you to assume what his decisions about them might be!)
Also… yes, God gives us grace if we are in a difficult marriage or a difficult season. But if we avoid all conflict and call it “submission”, we may end up taking on so much ourselves that we completely burn out. I know… it happened to me. I had taken “not complaining” to such an extreme of “not communicating” and totally overworked myself–I got severely underweight and suffered months of cluster headaches which made me completely useless to my family. I mean, friends and family literally had to come over and care for my children and feed my family, because I was completely incapacitated. I remember my mother handing me my baby to nurse, and me doing it by touch because I couldn’t see.
I wasn’t able to be much of a helpmeet for my husband during that time! He had to pick up so much slack, not to mention, he suffered incredibly watching me in so much pain and unable to do anything about it. So balance is not unbiblical, it is essential for you to be able to sustain your efforts for your family 🙂
). My husband has an awful habit of saying, “Maybe you’ll _____”. I am trying to teach him that in order for me to actually do ___, he needs to say “will you please ___ or go _____”. Just because of how I hear his original wording (as an option, not as a task to be done). I need him to actually “order” me to do something. OTherwise, I treat it as an optional thing to do, if I have time or if I have the inclination.
I get a little worked up about this topic, in case you can’t tell. LOL As vikingkirken said, if you need some time to yourself, just communicate that need. Men aren’t mindreaders, as much as we might like them to be.- The topic ‘OT: Helper to your husband’ is closed to new replies.