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Disciplining a child when you're out with the family
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Hi all 🙂
I’ve been having a lot of trouble with one of my kids whenever we go out. He’s nearly four, and a super-fun and happy kid–but completely oblivious, constantly disappearing on me, antagonizing his little sister (he thinks her shrieking is so much fun)… He also has no concept of punishment. Anything I try, he dissolves in heartbroken tears but has NO IDEA why he is being punished (even with multiple explanations).
So I’m wondering… How do you all handle disciplining one child without being completely unfair to the others? Canceling outings, leaving coop early, etc means the others are missing out when they haven’t done anything wrong… And they aren’t old enough for me to take the 3yo out of a public place alone to deal with him. Yet I’m a firm believer in not doling out a punishment with the other kids right there as spectators.
Ideas…?
It sounds like maybe he just needs a little more direction and training about how to behave in public-and not that he’s being downright rebellious or anything. I think I would take some time and just do some practice sessions-go out in public just for the purpose of showing him how to behave and/or practice what he’s learned. In this way, you can be totally focused directing his behavior. It also sounds like maybe he’s bored so he acts up-by wandering around to look at things or teasing his little sister. Maybe you could give him a specific job or task to keep him focused on-helping in the grocery store or something like that. Hope that helps a teeny bit.
Is it possible and would it help, to have ds4 stick to you like glue for the outing? As in maybe even getting some kind of tether if you can’t hold his hand the whole time? Or buckle him into a stroller for the ENTIRE time? Then he can’t run away, can’t cause issues with other kids, and misses out on the playing and fun of being out because he’s stuck with mom. He’ll obviously hate it but you can explain that you love him, want him to be safe, need to know where he is the whole time, etc.. Maybe that would encourage him to trade off better behavior for a few more feet of freedom? If after a couple times of this new routine he seems to be sure he can stay with you and behave, give him a try, but be ready to bring him back the SECOND he starts to wander off and then his privileges are revoked for many more outings.
That could be horrible advice, but I do just tend to strap mine into backpacks, strollers, or shopping carts if they can’t stick with me.
It was at that age that I began training my children to hold on to the handle of the shopping cart for the ENTIRE duration of our trip to the store–only letting go if I specifically directed them to grab something off the shelf and put it in our cart. Every story we went in to with carts, I had them do this. Now they are 9 and almost 11 and they still habitually hold on to the cart the moment we grab one. They didn’t like it either–what 3 or 4yo does?! It’s so boring to hold the cart and walk when you could be running around! But, as others explained, the child needs to know that it is for his safety and well-being that he is expected to do this. Once I knew my children understood what was expected of them, it became an obedience issue if they did not do it. They wanted to be big and not sit in the stroller or in the child seat of the cart, and so there was incentive to obey by holding on to the cart. If they didn’t, they were immediately strapped into the child seat. That’s just one example, but it’s a good way to train him to stick by your side in the store.
It can be hard to reason with a child that age, but he can understand safety.
Also, there is a difference in disciplining a child in front of others and humiliating a child in front of others. Humiliating a child is wrong. Yelling at him, spanking in front of others, etc. are humiliating. Disciplining is patient teaching and consistency. Enlist the other children to help him remember to stay close, hold on to the cart, not play hide-and-seek among clothing racks, etc. Always teach the “why” behind what you expect of him. Those things are all fine to do in front of others. If he absolutely will not obey and you need to be out, you’re choice is then to restrain him for his own safety and the well-being of the other children.
Practically, perhaps he can bring along a book or a toy to keep him occupied while out. Maybe he’s just not ready to be out of the stroller. Maybe he needs one of those backpack leashes. (I don’t think those are a bad idea for your type of situation and could really be beneficial since he’s prone to wandering off.)
Hope that helps!
Thanks for the ideas… it looks like buying a new stroller may have to qualify as an “emergency expense”! The harnesses on our current stroller are broken, so I’ve been relying on him just staying put when I ask him to, and clearly that isn’t always working. Our biggest problem has been at the large coop we attend weekly; I think all the other kids and noise get him really wound up and he ends up constantly trying to run all over the (large and convoluted and busy) church building with me trying to trail after him with a toddler in tow! It doesn’t help that his big brother and sister get themselves to each of their classes, only checking in with me in between–so he’s used to seeing them going off on their own, and probably wants to be big like them.
I do bring coloring pages and crayons, and he has some pre-K classes, but this kid wants CONSTANT fun–my older two weren’t anywhere near this crazy at his age (very different personalities). He’s lots of fun, it’s definitely not all bad! But I’m not used to it! And I am, unfortunately for him, a rather serious mama. I could have logical discussions with my 6yo all day about why he should or should not do things, but I’m at a loss with this one who does not respond to that at all. This is the one who mindlessly draws on the walls, empties cupboards, pees his pants nonstop (and then when I ask him why, says “because I don’t”?!?) Any ideas for keeping a preschooler entertained/focused when he’s a crazy-hyper distractable kid?
Maybe I also need to get over my guilt that he isn’t getting as much “running free” time as I’d like him to have. I’m slowing down a lot with third trimester, and the park trips and playdates are getting more infrequent. I think, in trying to compensate for my lack of energy, I’ve been overlooking his behavior too much lately… and it has escalated as a result. Thanks for the encouragement to step it up and just CONTAIN him if that’s what it takes…!
He sounds like my son. I do the if you don’t stay you go in the seat and get strapped in too. It is hard when they run off or are pulling against you holding their hand in the parking lot. This is what mine does. Hang in there. Some days are easier. I have started the “I expect” and give behaviour and slowly it is working. He takes his plate from the table these days (just turned three). dining out is getting better too. He never just sat like other kids I would see, so we try to play him out first and I do bring a small horse, just for these occsasion to occupy him.
Me and my husband teamed up to teach our children why they can not wander off. We didn’t tell them, but we showed them. We both worked together to never let them out of our sight, but we would wait until one had their attention diverted and then we would take off and watch them from a location and see what they would do. We would see their note of panic on their faces when they realized we were gone. Then after a very brief time, we would come out of hiding and then and only then can you discuss how scared you get when you can not find them when they wander off. So then, you make a deal….you won’t ever wander off from them if they promise never to wander off from you. I have never lost either of my kids since this very real feeling learning experience. We also used this time to come up with a plan on what they are to do if they do get lost. Who are they to go to for help, etc. We asked them questions that other people would ask them to see if they could answer them, like what is your name? what is your last name? What is your phone number? What is your Mommy’s name? We even discussed what to do if someone told them to leave the store or go to the bathroom etc.
I noticed that when we went out in public, not only were they more alert as to where we were going, but they also started to look out for each other as well. I turned it into a game and would start to weave around clothing racks. I would dart into another isle. I trained them to watch for me instead of me having to try and watch them.
This seems really drastic, I know, but it worked better than anything we had ever done before to try and get them to understand. Sometimes you jjust need to walk that mile in the other person’s shoes before it really clicks. God Bless.
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