I am an only child. My parents were married for 35 years until they split up over four years ago. It took three years to settle the divorce. We moved because of it and I am still not settled in where we are now. I see my father only two to three times per year while my mother comes about weekly. I really did not see it coming. I knew they were not sweethearts but I thought they had everything worked out. My mother did not believe in getting a divorce but she grew very discontent and bitter. My father would not change. I know that sin is the root cause of divorce.
The way my mother first delivered this heartbreaking news to me was by telephone. And when I turned off my phone, I was left in a great state of shock. I am an emotional person. A great depression immediately pulled me down into a deep, dark pit. I had a hard time with daily tasks and gained weight. When I spoke to my doctor about it, he told me that I should not feel that way, which only made me feel worse. When I spoke to my aunt, she spoke badly about my father and their marriage and said my mother had left him one time only to go back to him and get pregnant…with me. So that made me feel worse yet as I believed the lie that if my parents’ marriage was a mistake that maybe I was too. We had not moved yet and my church helped me through prayer, annointing, and counseling. I left my church after we moved. I was doing better. My children were young enough to not really know what was going on and have not been so directly affected. I tried many churches but never found any to become a part of. This forum has been a big source of encouragement, fellowship and wisdom from godly women. I thank you for that. Thank you for reading this now.
But for four years, I have been trying to hide the pain and avoid talking about it. It hurts way down deep into the depths of my soul and it affects every part of my being. I try to avoid thinking about it, but sometimes I scream out in painful sorrow and I mourn for a loss which was never recognized as such. I am angry and hurt. There was no funeral, though something died. Something very near and dear to me died. No loving sympathy cards. No tissue boxes. No closure.
I know it is the root of many of my little problems like staying up late and having a hard time getting to sleep, or spending too much money trying to fill a void with stuff. Or spending too much time in a virtual world on the computer or with my nose in a book to avoid thinking about real life. Or not getting all of my dishes cleaned because the idle time causes my brain to wander into the forbidden thoughts of the REAL ISSUE – a place I do not like to go. And I know these little issues affect my marriage, which affects our children.
My prayer now is for emotional healing and grace and help with my own marriage. And my parents still need prayer too. The real issue for me is overcoming the grief of my parents’ divorce and moving on with my own life with joy, peace, love, grace, faith, and contentment. I find it hard to trust again and I have stopped and taken a good, hard look at the things I do (or did) and asked myself, “Why?” And I have changed. And my husband has changed. And my whole world has changed.
It has been hard to not have a church to belong to and no spiritual leading from my husband. I have found a church now where I decided to go regularly even without my husband. Yeah! But I do pray he will decide to go with us, and I can ask him each time. Our family needs the covering of a church and it has been far too long without it. We need prayer and healing. I humble myself asking for your prayers and help.
