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OT: Being an Adult Child of Divorce…and Moving On with Life
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I am an only child. My parents were married for 35 years until they split up over four years ago. It took three years to settle the divorce. We moved because of it and I am still not settled in where we are now. I see my father only two to three times per year while my mother comes about weekly. I really did not see it coming. I knew they were not sweethearts but I thought they had everything worked out. My mother did not believe in getting a divorce but she grew very discontent and bitter. My father would not change. I know that sin is the root cause of divorce.
The way my mother first delivered this heartbreaking news to me was by telephone. And when I turned off my phone, I was left in a great state of shock. I am an emotional person. A great depression immediately pulled me down into a deep, dark pit. I had a hard time with daily tasks and gained weight. When I spoke to my doctor about it, he told me that I should not feel that way, which only made me feel worse. When I spoke to my aunt, she spoke badly about my father and their marriage and said my mother had left him one time only to go back to him and get pregnant…with me. So that made me feel worse yet as I believed the lie that if my parents’ marriage was a mistake that maybe I was too. We had not moved yet and my church helped me through prayer, annointing, and counseling. I left my church after we moved. I was doing better. My children were young enough to not really know what was going on and have not been so directly affected. I tried many churches but never found any to become a part of. This forum has been a big source of encouragement, fellowship and wisdom from godly women. I thank you for that. Thank you for reading this now.
But for four years, I have been trying to hide the pain and avoid talking about it. It hurts way down deep into the depths of my soul and it affects every part of my being. I try to avoid thinking about it, but sometimes I scream out in painful sorrow and I mourn for a loss which was never recognized as such. I am angry and hurt. There was no funeral, though something died. Something very near and dear to me died. No loving sympathy cards. No tissue boxes. No closure.
I know it is the root of many of my little problems like staying up late and having a hard time getting to sleep, or spending too much money trying to fill a void with stuff. Or spending too much time in a virtual world on the computer or with my nose in a book to avoid thinking about real life. Or not getting all of my dishes cleaned because the idle time causes my brain to wander into the forbidden thoughts of the REAL ISSUE – a place I do not like to go. And I know these little issues affect my marriage, which affects our children.
My prayer now is for emotional healing and grace and help with my own marriage. And my parents still need prayer too. The real issue for me is overcoming the grief of my parents’ divorce and moving on with my own life with joy, peace, love, grace, faith, and contentment. I find it hard to trust again and I have stopped and taken a good, hard look at the things I do (or did) and asked myself, “Why?” And I have changed. And my husband has changed. And my whole world has changed.
It has been hard to not have a church to belong to and no spiritual leading from my husband. I have found a church now where I decided to go regularly even without my husband. Yeah! But I do pray he will decide to go with us, and I can ask him each time. Our family needs the covering of a church and it has been far too long without it. We need prayer and healing. I humble myself asking for your prayers and help.
I am so sorry that you are hurting. My parents divorced when I was in my early 20s, after about 23 years of marriage. It was devastating to me and to my four siblings (the youngest of which was only 6 at the time). I was in counseling with a therapist for a year and it helped in a big way. It affected my relationship with my then-boyfriend (I told him not to bother to ever propose to me because I was shocked that this could happen after 20+ years of marriage).
My parents are now both remarried but it honestly still hurts. I understand the feeling about being a “mistake” because the reason my parents got married to begin with is because my mother was expecting me.
Prayers that you can find peace and healing. Between my year of therapy and an excellent church, I am at peace. That’s not to say that I don’t long for what could have been. The tragedy of my parents’ divorce, though, has made my DH and I very active in marriage ministry at our church – marriage preparation for engaged couples, marriage enrichment groups, etc. We have taken a very painful thing and, with God’s help, turned it for something good.
Many prayers. I remember the hurt, the pain, and my mind racing all the time. I’m heartbroken that you are dealing with this.
My roommate in college was devistated when her parents divorced. I was engaged at the time and she asked me multiple times if I was scared to get married.
It sounds to me like you are holding on to unforgiveness towards your parents, maybe or hurting you? For not knowing what you are going through an the way it has changed your life. If this is the case I would work on forgiving them. (You obviously don’t have to go to them and tell them. It is for you) I would work on forgiving them and then praying for them.
Holding on to anger towards them is not hurting them. It is hurting you and your family. It is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt the other person.
I am not very eloquent so if this came accross harsh I’m sorry. I working on the whole speaking the truth WITH LOVE.
My parents were divorced when I was young so it’s different for me, but it still isn’t a good thing and causes pain for me even now as an adult. I’m sorry you are having such a rough time, and a wonderful book is Choosing Forgiveness (regarding the above post).
I also would suggest throwing yourself into your own marriage, despite the lack of spiritual leadership, you and he are one and teammates. Especially seeing how their divorce is affecting you, and not wanting that for your own children and your marriage, I would make that your number one priority. My husband’s parents also divorced when he was young, and all four of our parents got remarried the same year we did. We made a committment to never divorce, no matter what, aand to commuicate well, and love wholeheartedly, and our marriage has been wonderful. Neither of us had good examples of marriage, but my kids have never known true fighting, or instability, or lack of peace from our marriage in our home, and I love that their legacy will be one of not fearing marriage, but looking forward to it.
I also recommend The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace, and Created to be his Helpmeet by Debi Pearl(I know many will strongly disagree with this book, I also disagree with many things in there, but she is right on when it comes to having a joyful home for your husband to come home to, and other things).
All that not to say ignore your feelings, they are very real and need dealt with, but I think not focusing on yourself and the pain would be helpful in not being consumed by it. Focus on where God has you right now, a wife and mother, and do those jobs well to please Him. I think finding a good church with a good friend you could confide in (not bash your husband at the church) would be a great idea too. Or maybe someone on this forum that you could PM with too, for specific talks/prayer, etc.
My parents divorced when I was 23, and it was ugly. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I understand how you’re feeling. I was angry at the situation for years after their divorce was final, and it didn’t help that my mother wasn’t (and still isn’t) over it or that my dad and I didn’t speak for over 5 years (not my choice).
Here are a couple of posts I wrote back then. I hope you can sense my hurt and know that I really do sympathize with you.
I have countless, tear-stained journal entries of pouring my feelings out to the Lord. It hurts so badly.
But by God’s grace, I don’t hurt anymore. You can find healing and forgiveness in all this mess. You have to want it and you have to actively pursue it. It doesn’t happen on its own, and contrary to popular belief, time doesn’t heal ALL things.
I had to take my dreams, disappointments, fears, anger, anxiety, and hopelessness to the foot of the cross and willingly lay them down, never to pick them up again. I had to learn that nothing happens that God doesn’t control and that He can’t or won’t use for my benefit. My marriage was my rock during this difficult time. Thank God I have a husband who drew a line in the sand and come hell or high water chose to learn a lesson from his in-laws about how NOT to do marriage and to stay with me forever.
I still miss the idea of what could have been in my family and for my children especially. But I really do believe God has turned our ashes into beauty.
You’re welcome to PM me if you’d like.
Blessings,
Lindsey
I still miss the idea of what could have been in my family and for my children especially. But I really do believe God has turned our ashes into beauty.
This is so beautiful, Lindsey. I agree with the sentiment. It took me many years to see it, though. And I do still miss what could have been….
I remembered one more. This one mostly tells about my growth as a woman during the events that led to my parents’ divorce. I can go days or weeks without thinking about it, and then it gets brought up and still stings a little. Nowhere near the hurt that was there before, praise God. I don’t think that sting ever goes away. It serves as a marker to remind me why I choose my own marriage every, single day. I don’t want my children to ever feel that sting.
http://todayindietzville.blogspot.com/2009/09/essay-contest-entry.html
I wasn’t an adult when my parents divorced… I was 14, but they had been married 23 years. My middle sister left for college that year leaving me alone with my very emotional mom through high school. It hit me as a total shock too. Tore my entire world apart.
I’m so sorry you have been bearing that pain for 4 years and I hope you find love and support on this forum. Man, those arrows of pain drive deep. It is so hard to forgive and move on. It happened to me almost 20 years ago and it still hurts. I get tense and uptight around my family still and find past hurts bubbling up.
I’m certainly not an expert on forgiveness and sometimes I wish I could just flip a switch, forget it all, and move on. I’m convinced that this kind of forguveness takes *work*, time, and most of all Jesus Christ. I still get down about the whole thing, but I like to take that pain, pretend it’s a file folder, and stick it in my “God file cabinet” for him to fix when I feel hopeless. More on this here:
https://brighthope4tomorrow.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/daddy-will-fix-it/
Thank you for sharing. I will pray for you. I know some pf those feelings…they hurt. I remember not wanting to trust people too. I hope Jesus will breathe peace and healing into you today.
Thank you all for your support, prayers, and heartfelt empathy. I am so sorry that you all had similar incidents happen in your lives. But I do find it encouraging to know that you are in a better place now. Thank you for sharing those links Lindsey and Mountain Mamma. I will be sure to read them. And I am glad to know that I am having a normal reaction and there is nothing wrong with me and to expect that it will be normal to feel that twinge of a sting at times. The people in my life act like I should be over it and unaffected by it (yet they have never had the experience). Thank you, Kayla, for having the courage to tell me the truth in love about forgiveness. That was very thoughtful of you and it is something I did not realize before, but do now. I will look at the Choosing Forgiveness book. Being able to write my post and share it with someone has been a major step towards healing for me. Thanks for listening and offering a shoulder to cry on.
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