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OT: Baby #5, I'm needing prayer again :-/
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Hi ladies,
I posted a few months ago about an unexpected baby #5 due this coming January… Well, here I am again… At my wits’ end. So far, this pregnancy has cost us:
– every scrap of my energy. I’m struggling to keep up with ANYTHING, despite me being in second trimester (22 weeks) now.
– my sanity. I feel like I have PMS times 10! And my “sweet and spicy” toddler has just hit the terrible twos.
– our yard and vegetable garden–which gets none of my carefully guarded energy. Which is getting embarrassing, because our neighbors live just feet away.
– our fall vacation (which wasn’t anything extravagant to begin with, but it was VACATION!)
– our Christmas budget
– two church retreats (men’s and women’s)
– my much-loved car, which will need to be replaced because it only seats six
– my peace of mind–our family planning efforts failed in just two months. What’s to prevent it from happening again? And again and again? My health–both physical and mental–is not up to the challenge of continually adding more kids at this point. Trying to trust God here, but it’s hard. It pretty much just feels like “my fault” despite the fact that we were taking active steps to prevent this (and I’m having a hard time keeping quiet and not continually “justifying” to people who say things like “well you know there are ways to prevent this, right?”–like it’s even their business!)
Our home renovation has stalled because I am too stressed/tired/antisocial to get any work coordinated. Our schoolwork is falling behind because I am severely lacking energy, focus, and patience. I’m fighting near-constant depression and resentment, meanwhile my poor husband, who is excited about the baby, is trying to be supportive but at a loss how to help me shake these blues. He’s been a tremendous help around the house picking up the slack… which I so appreciate, but also feel really guilty when I see him burning out.
I really appreciate your prayers and any encouragement you might have… You all are a wonderful bunch of ladies. This is a hard topic to bring up when I know so many women wish so much that they WOULD be pregnant. I really apologize if that’s you 🙁 I should be happy. I’m just not. I’m either angry, tearful, or at best, ambivalent. I’m getting through my days right now by ignoring or forgetting my pregnancy, which is easy to do because I’m carrying small, the placenta location is blunting baby’s movements, and all my pregnancy symptoms simply echo the adrenal fatigue symptoms I was fighting for about four years before this. (My adrenal fatigue had actually started improving, finally… then this.)
Well, thanks for listening… :-/
Lori
I will definitely pray for those things for you. If it puts you any at ease about the yard & vegetable garden, I can tell you what mine looks like, but I have no real excuse–I’m 54 and I have two teenaged girls to help!
We have a very small yard in the city. We usually let the grass grow a week too long between mowings (not this-yard-should-be-condemned-and-the-owners-cited, but rather shaggy), and we have a huge, very old tree in the back so that there are roots sticking up that we can’t mow over. That unmowed patch extends about 5 feet out from the trunk all around, and I haven’t weed-whacked it in a month. With the rain we’ve been having, there are 4 or 5 skinny weeds sticking up about 2 feet above ground in that section. I couldn’t stand it any longer, so yesterday I pulled out those tallest weeds.
You know you are in trouble when you pull into the driveway, and one of your kids says, “Aw, someone chopped down my favorite weed!”
Will keep you in my prayers….
Lori,
I’m more than happy to pray for you. May I also suggest you speak with your doctor about depression? Because honestly, if you are facing it now it may be even more difficult for a while once your sweet babe is born. The support of medication may help for a while. ((HUGS)). I understand being overwhelmed, truly. Praying!
Sorry you are blue. I felt the same with my 5th. I would not recommend medication, but supplements and diet changes. The book Potatoes Not Prozac comes to mind. I follow the author’s plan loosely. RadiantRecovery.com is the website with online support groups.
This may sound harsh, but re-read your post and imagine how you would feel if your mother said all those things about you, how you were so costly. Again, sorry if that is harsh. I had trouble bonding well with my 5th and it started while pregnant. If I could do it over, I would have changed diet and supplements and hung out with supportive large families who are 100 percent prolife.
I have 7 and struggle at times with the thought of more, but God really does know best. Who knows what my children may be someday. They may save my life!
Hang in there and try not to resent a precious life.
Hugs,
Corinne
Corinne,
Believe me, I struggle with guilt about that constantly. My sister found out that my dad was angry when my mom became pregnant with her (she was #4), and it was pretty upsetting. I always swore up and down I would never do that with my own kids, yet here I am. That’s one reason why I’m talking through it here, in the relative anonymity of the Internet, vs with my friends and family as much.
Tristan,
I have thought about depression. Maybe I need to talk about it more with my midwife.
Depression was a big part of my 5th pregnancy problems. Your midwife should know about natural ways to help, including essential oils. Spearmint in a nebulizer is my favorite.
Again, I do understand. I say and do a lot of things I wish I didn’t, especially when I am overwhelmed or angry.
Lori, I think you are on the right track to talk to your midwife in any case. Another track to consider, and I’m just taking a shot in the dark here, but when I find myself struggling with something the way you have described SOMETIMES it is because I am harboring unforgiveness about something. Once I figure out what I was hurt or offended by and forgive the person responsible (myself, my hubby, etc) I am able to find my joy again.
Praying for you and the changes your family is experiencing!
Oh, I pretty much know WHY I am depressed. I just wish I could SHAKE it :-/
This spring, after a lot of focused attention to diet and lifestyle, I was finally emerging from four years of severe adrenal fatigue (I guess you could call it a subform of chronic fatigue syndrome), that had culminated in cluster headaches that literally left me helpless when they hit. It was amazing finally having the energy to do some things I couldn’t for a long time, like actually following my house routines for entire days at a time, or going on a hike with my family. It was really discouraging to be knocked back down with a pregnancy after a month or two of feeling like I’d finally stepped back in the sunshine! I had all sorts of goals for this year, things to catch up on like house projects and third grade math, and the plan was we would wait on a possible fifth baby until some major projects were done, and my health was well and truly better. Apparently God’s plans were different! I am trying so hard to accept that!
In spite of that, I was trying to stay upbeat hoping my energy would return in second trimester, but so far, nothing.
I am praying. I am one of those moms who still longs for another baby, I’ve even had very vivid dreams of me holding this little boy and my girls are there playing in the midst of us. My dh on the other hand doesn’t want more children. So why God keeps replaying this dream is unknown. BUT I didn’t hear anything harsh from your post toward me as one of those mom’s, you needed to come to a safe place and I have always (thanks be to God and the SCM team) found that here!
I want to encourage you to get back to basics. Basics of home life, cook, laundry, etc. School, bible, math, what ever you think is top 3. Then take everything else one day at a time. I will pray that the right friends, family, support comes to help you. That you will try to take that excitement your dh is having and get even a little smirk for this baby going in your heart so by the time he/she arrives you’ll be able to treasure each moment.
I’m another who longs for my #5. And keeps losing them when I get them for a short time.
I am also in the midst of some pretty severe adrenal fatigue myself, diagnosed three times. Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficincy Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Interstitail Cystitis, Allergy Induced Asthma, and a few other ridiculous things that make it more challengin to function normally. And understand that aspect, too. And I have a drive type A personality to contend with as well. So I get wanting to do more, longing to do more, working toward being able to function more normally, seeing the light and wham…etc. I get it.
And I also beleive in God controlled fertility. And though on the one hand I long for another baby…my youngest will be 4 in Oct, and I’ve lost two (miscarriages #7 and 8) since he was born–
But I also struggle with trusting God and with the possible further sacrifice of my health…however, pregnancy #4 actually healed a lot of the damage that birthing #3 caused. I had #4 totally against one docs advice and birthed him vaginally the whole time she said he would cripple me. Actually it helped heal much damage.
And when I commit myself to His hand…I am saying Your will. You know best. You will supply all my needs. You have supplied all my needs. And whatever I have right now…adrenal fatigue, a pregnancy, a miscarriage, autistic spectrum child(ren), debilitating vestibular migraines, whatever is here in front of me, I need. Because You Lord have provided it (or allowed it). I have what I need because you promise it is so.
I just learned this concept in an awesome Bible study called Quieting a Noisy Soul. I had to listen to the sermon over and over and over and over again…b/c I couldn’t keep the concept in my brain for even 30 min. Finally, I started learning it.
It is a hard profound lesson, that whatever we have is what we need, because that is what He has provided.
My suggestion at this time is to focus your thought life on what you have, cultivate gratefulness, keep a journal, a record of even the smallest things you are thankful for…and when your thoughts turn to what you think you are losing (ie health or some such) turn your mind back to Him and His awesome love and provision for you. Tell Him your fears, but refuse to focus on what you think you are losing. And instead ask Him to reveal what glorious gift He is giving you, teaching you. Because You are precious to Him. He knows all your needs better than you do. Rest in that.
I am speaking in the trench next to you. Truly, these struggles are mine also.
Lord, I lift up Lori to you. You have given her new child, a blessing, according to Your Word. May Your face shine upon her and give her peace and contentment in this season. Lord please touch her and heal her spirit of all discontent and bitterness…and help her to focus on your mercies which are new every morning. May all these things bring You, glory. Amen.
With tenderness,
Joanna
I just recommended a great book on another post, Choosing Gratitude by Nancy Leigh DeMoss; it’s a wonderful book and might be helpful right now. Even though we should be content and thankful with our current circumstance no matter what, I find it very helpful also to focus on how it could be worse. It can ALWAYS be worse than it is now. I remind my children (and myself) that they are healthy, that no one has cancer right now, that we always have food to eat, running water, etc. It helps a little:)
I have 6 kiddos now, but at one point in time I had 5 under 5 and it was all I could do to keep my head above water. I struggled with having another baby each time, and to help myself have perspective, I made a list of all the women in our church who had miscarriages, some women had up to 6 trying to have a baby. I also cut out newspaper ads I saw for people looking for children to adopt. I posted those lists/ads on the insides of my kitchen cabinet door that I open every day. Every day I saw those and it really did help me to have a better attitude about blessings in my life.
I’m sorry you are struggling so much, I know what it’s like to be physically spent, I was diagnosed with Lyme disease a year ago after long years of pain, and I’ve had adrenal fatigue as well. Misty had great advice, choose the top 3 things you want your kids to learn well, and do just those. I don’t know how old your kiddos are, but get them as independent as you can, then check things while you are resting on the couch. I took a lot of naps with one eye open to watch the toddler:) My kids learned to move on to things they could do on their own until I was awake enough to help with the things they did. I know this sounds exhausting, but have a meat cooking day, or chicken, etc. Cook a whole bunch, then use 1lb of it for dinner and freeze the rest. That is so easy to do and helps a lot for dinner.
For your garden look up Back to Eden gardening. This way of gardening means I only spend 10 mintues a week weeding and my plants are HUGE and healthy. It is a God centered way to garden and is super easy. We had to dontate to the food shelf this year because of how much food we made.
I’m praying for you
Thanks, all. I think I do need to narrow my priorities a bit. I’ve been trying to do it all lately, which is harder than ever with my kids starting at a big new co-op this fall as well. And, I’ve always planned to do 4-day weeks for 44-45 weeks of the year, but lately I’ve been turning them into 5-day weeks trying to “catch up” on schoolwork where we fell behind in first trimester. That just leads to every area of life being neglected! Maybe I’ll just pick one catch-up subject at a time, and stay at a normal pace with everything else.
I’ve also realized, the more I think about this, that I’m upset about this pregnancy–but I’m not upset about another baby. I can’t honestly say I’m jumping with anticipation just yet–hopefully that will come… But I’m actually not all that stressed about another little one, I’m ok with that. It’s the PREGNANCY that’s driving me nuts with its demands on my body (and home) right now, and looking forward to labor after a traumatizing labor with #4. So I guess in some ways, I should be encouraged… Hopefully all this will pass once pregnancy and labor are behind me.
Just speaking to the practical aspect of pregnancy fatigue…how are your iron levels? Adrenal fatigue commonly goes along with thyroid problems, which commonly go along with anemia (I have all three). I was completely exhausted for the 2nd & 3rd trimester with my last three babies, and when my youngest was 9 months old I got a full iron panel done and lo and behold my ferritin was super low and my iron was low…in spite of always having really good hemoglobin levels at midwife checks and not bleeding much after births or during periods. I am sure I was anemic through every pregnancy. So that might be something to look into (and if you get iron checked, get both iron and ferritin checked because iron can look good and ferritin still be low).
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