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OT: Another Question for Those Who Have Adopted
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My husband and I have four children and have decided, after about five years of praying and thinking and processing, to pursue adoption through the foster care system. We have an appointment on Thursday with the social worker to fill out applications and to get the process started and I’m panicking.
Even though this has been a burning desire on my heart for years, I keep going back and forth between panic and great excitement. Some days I feel on top of myself as a wife and mother and I think, “I can do this and I can’t wait to bring another child into our family!”. And then other times, after days of whining, discipline, arguing, backed-up laundry and a mounting to-do list, I start to panic and think, “I can hardly handle my life right now! What makes me think I can take care of another child, too??”
So is this normal?? Or is this some sort of sign telling me we should wait? I’d love to hear from those of you who have already been through this journey and have some insight “from the other side”!
Well, we are not on the other side yet, but we are mid-process, and I definitely have those days when I think I can’t handle the kids I already have, so why do I want more? I think those are just spiritual attacks, trying to tell us we shouldn’t do what God is calling us to do. Five years of prayer, and a burning desire…that’s the real deal, girl! Don’t let satan try to change your mind.
We went through the foster care system for our dd alomst 10 years ago My advice to you is:
to get a child under the age of 1
find out how many homes the child was in and how many other children – and their age range- were in those other homes with him/her.
as much info about the mom; i.e. drug use while pregnant, drinking, etc.
what abuse lead to the child being placed into foster care in the first place
all of the medical records – which vaccines and when (which the child will have had due to being in gov. care), any admissions for broken bones or reaccurant illnesses.
any complaints/concerns about the homes she was in. FOr example, if the child has been in more than one home, find out why he/she was moved and if subsequent focter care parents had concerns of abuse from that previous foster care home. If you need me to clarify I will.
has the child received any therapy thus far and are there any diagnosis on him/her
That’s all I can think of at the moment. Foster care is full of corruption and they cover each others butt when it comes to abuse among the foster care homes; someies the abuse in the homes and by older children also occupyng those homes is as bad or worse than the abuse that lead them into foster care in the first place.
I have to go, I’l try to check back inlater. NOt trying to discourage you or talk you out of what you’redoing, but trying to offer advice based on our experiences.
We too are mid-process and I had one of those days today where I thought how in the world am I going to manage one more. I totally agree with Mama Nickles about Satan attacking you. Hang in there and perservere.
We adopted through the foster care system. We went straight adoption. We did not start out in foster care. if you want a baby, you will likely need to start with foster care, and you are not guaranteed they will stay. Going straight adoption, it is rare to get one that young. We were hoping to get one at least 5, and the Lord blessed us with our daughter who was not even 3 when she came to stay.
My advice, from going through the training and also looking into a second adoption, which we ended up not doing, is look for a child who is younger than all your children. Most of these children are abused in some way, many sexually. Fortunately, our dd is not in that latter category. She was, however, seriously physically abused, which can lead to psychological difficulties. Our dd had issues because of it, but she has bonded well and is a sweetheart. She is very sociable. We still have some things to deal with, but she has been a blessing. When they first come, it is what they call a honeymoon. When that ‘honeymoon’ ends, it can be rough for a while. the child gets comfortable and will test the limits. Give boundaries immediately, and hold the child up in prayer. Our dd loves Jesus. The Bible and character are the most important areas of teaching. God bless you on your journey.
Thank you for all of your thoughts. I have been feeling like maybe these were spiritual attacks, but you don’t always know when you’re in the middle of it.
We are in California and you cannot adopt through the system here without being a foster parent. We plan to ask for a child under 3 (which would make her the youngest member of our family) but there is no guarantee that the child they place with us will stay. This has been a hard pill for both my husband and I to swallow. Also, we have always used spanks as one of our many tools of discipline in our house (it’s usually used when all other approaches have failed) and since that is not allowed with foster children, we are in the process of phasing it out with our own children which has been stretching my creative abilities and patience to its limits!
I have heard of the “honeymoon” phase so we are trying to prepare ourselves for that as much as we can. I’ve just been praying a lot and trying to get boundaries and appropriate disciplines anchored in our home BEFORE the little one arrives.
Thank you Rachel for your insight. Those are all very good questions and it does help that the state requires us to foster the child for six months before we can adopt. I feel like any issues that would be outside of our ability to properly handle would show themselves by then.
I just wanted to applaud all of you ladies and your husbands for going through this process to adopt children who in general no one else seems to want. You guys are all just awesome to open your hearts and your homes, and your wallets as well to serve in this way. I’ve often thought of adoption myself and will be contemplating it even more after reading through all this great advice. Thank you for sharing.
We adopted internationally, but I can say that it is hard. Plain hard. Our daugher has been home now for 14 months from China. She was 3.5 when she came home. Yes, there was a honeymoon phase of just under 3 months. Then the you know what hit the fan. She started misbehaving and did not like being told no. Everything was a power struggle, and along with her medical needs it was very hard. She is doing great now, but had to have a surgery and she did not handle that well, she had a lot of rages where we had to hold her down from harming us and herself. The others all gave great advice, and yes we would do it again!
Rachel hit the nail on the head!!
We adopted our 2 oldest daughters through foster care. They were placed in our home at age 6 & 9 – half sisters. That was nearly 11 years ago. It’s been a wild ride with too many emotions to express on a forum post. This was not originally an adoptive placement, however, after a period of time, things didn’t improve in the birth family. Mom terminated her parental rights. The girls had been with us for three years at that point so we committed to adopt.
In hind site, even after 3 years of fostering, I don’t think we were prepared. These girls had experienced every kind of abuse and neglect you can possibly imagine. Their scars run very deep. And then, adolescence kicked in…..OH MY!!! I don’t mean to scare anyone, but you must be sure you are called to do this. Your world could potentially be tipped upside down.
I’d like to think if we got the girls at a younger age, things may have been better. But, my parent’s best friends fostered their adopted twins from age 11 months. It ended in disolution when the girls were nearly 18 years old. It was heartbreaking. Many of these kids are exposed to toxins in the womb. There are genetic factors such as mental health and low functioning ability. One of the main issues is attachment. Those early days, weeks, and months are super important for buidling healthy attachments.
I definitely would make sure the foster/adoptive children are younger than the other children in your home. Also, make sure your kiddos are on board with this. My parents did foster care for over 25 years. My sister and I were birth kids in a foster home. Our eyes were opened at a young age as we were exposed to many issues and this was 20-30 years ago. You can imagine what it would be like now.
As you can see, I followed in my parents foot steps so I was not too traumatized…or maybe I’m just a gluten for punishment 😉 Seriously, I believe our lives were altered because of fostering. Consider your kids and long term goals as a family. Also, make sure your spouse is 100% on board. You will need a support system and sounding board.
Again, I don’t mean to scare anyone. There is a definite need for wonderful adoptive families. There’s too many kids without good homes. However, I am a realist and want to remind you to take off the rose colored glasses. You can never be too prepared 🙂
Blessings in your decision,
Melissa
Hello,
I just wanted to chime in and let you know you are not alone!! My husband and I are in the process of becoming a foster adopt home as well. At first I was over-the-moon excited, many of our homeschooling friends have been blessed by adoption through foster care and all I saw was happy, happy, happy. Now, after filling out applications, answering lots of personal questions, and going through core training, the attacks have started. My husband and I never have one on the same day, and they only last that one day…if that. When we attended a Christian adoption workshop, we were told it isn’t a matter of IF you’ll be attacked. It is a matter of WHEN. What has kept us from running for the hills or checking-in for a night {or a few} in a cozy white padded room for two is not focusing in too much on all the what-ifs. There are THOUSANDS of them! I have a dear friend who was able to adopt the first little baby she fostered…followed closely by yet another one. It was nice and easy for her. Another sweet friend’s story has had her family on the run from death threats from birth dad on and off over the last 4 years. From one extreme to the next, there are too many possiblities to even comprehend. We really have just focused on trusting and obeying God. We know he has very matter-of-factly put us here, so to not obey would be a sin. We trust that He has gone before us, He will equip us for what He gives us, and we can see Him working the 6 pregnancy losses to glorify Him through this. I can have many questioning moments throughout my day, but just remembering those things keeps me persevering.
Another thing God has shown me is that He isn’t calling me to be perfect. He isn’t calling me to win the cleanest house for the home inspection award or have my children’s behaviors {or mine} perfected before we do this. {We have two biological children, almost 9 and 4} I’d be lying if I said I haven’t created a wall full of laminated chore charts, behavior systems, and house rules in trying to ‘get it together’ before we add a foster child to the mix. {It hasn’t worked, by the way…} It has helped as we get further along in this process, to visit with other foster families, to understand more about the process, and understand more about my husband and I and what it is we can say ‘yes’ too and what we can’t. It has also helped to laugh, no harm in having a very large and active sense of humor in this. Many times our caseworker has mentioned how much fun we are, and it makes her job {and our experience} a whole lot easier to get through!
We also have a hard time with the idea of handing a child back over and not being able to adopt them. According to my homeschooling friends who do this, there are blessings in those situations as well. That doesn’t mean they won’t be hard, but God has used those situations to stretch and grow them. That is encouraging to me. When praying about foster/adoption and weighing our options, we felt like ‘trying again’ just led to more brick walls, broken hearts, and empty arms. If we do love a child and then have to give them back, our focus can be on the fact that we were able to be Jesus’ hands and feet for that child during that time and who knows the impact that will have on that child in the future. It sure looks like a better option compared to another miscarriage. It isn’t what WE want, but perhaps that is God’s purpose for us in this. Again, I find I’m saying to myself TRUST AND OBEY!
Blessings to you and your family as you travel this road! I hope my babbling was a tad bit encouraging in that our feelings and things we ponder are normal. 🙂
Mariah
Thank you, thank you Mariah! Wow, your perspective is incredibly encouraging to me and just what I needed to hear today!
Thanks Melissa; it’s comforting to know we’re not alone in our experiences.
My dd was a victim of physical abuse (causing broken bones as an infant), neglect, and sexual abuse. Not mention, the use of drugs – alcohol and meth – by her mother, causing developmental problems and then the later attachment issues. She has a quick, strong underlying anger, sensory dysfunction and struggles with being mean to animals. We’ve literally had to build a conscience into her – and still developing- with the help of G-D’s Spirit.
We didn’t have a honeymoon period. Also, she brought with her the sexual behavior she witnessed and maybe was a participant in (that part isn’t as clear) into our home; specifcally onto my son. Acting these things out onto and towards him.
So my warning is that if you get a child who has been sexually abused, there is a possibility that it will spill-over onto your other children and that is a horrifying feeling that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. That a child that you have invited into your home has taken something so precious and introduced such vile behavior – not that she knew what she was doing, she didn’t – that your children weren’t previously exposed to. In addition, my son has received the brunt of her anger outbursts, both verbal and physical.
Revisiting this time period via this post has been distressing to me and brought back memories I had chosen to leave behind; praying Romans 8:28 over everything and trying not to dread her young adult years that are coming up.
Even with the sadness this has brought me to think out these incidents, I thought it necessary to bring this forward since these things are usually avoided being discussed when the topic of adoption arises and you need as many sides as possible to make the most informed decision possible and be more prepared than we were.
I wouldn’t consider adopting again.
I have never adopted or felt led to do so, but Rachel, I will pray for your daughter. Sexual abuse is so far reaching, much more so sometimes than physical/mental abuse. I am so sorry that you’ve had to experience the effects on your son’s life. I will pray for him as well. As an adult survivor, I can say that I was helped by a book called The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender. If you ever need to chat about this issue, feel free to email or pm me.
Blessings, Christie
Thank you, Christie; I appreciate that so much and I will definitely look into that book. She seems not to have direct memories other than what she told me she saw (years ago in clear detail) and what she acted out; but she has what I call ’emotional memories’ if you know what I mean; she was under age 3.
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