Organizing time

Hello!

I have a similar situation with my 19 month old ( a very busy one at that).  I have 5, with my oldest in school.  My best advice is “divide and conquer”.  I have baby proofed his room and put a baby gate on the door.  It was the tallest I could buy (because otherwise he would climb out) 

My kids at home during the school day are just turned 12, 4 1/2, 3, and 19 months.  My 12 is pretty independent.  I do have to help with some math and science experiments.  What I do is whenever my oldest need help the the 4 year old is sent to the baby’s room with baby and I set a timer and tell him to play with him for 15 minutes (or whatever)  when the timer goes off if I still need 5 minutes then I send the three year old in for a rotation.  (the rotation keeps my preschoolers from feeling like they are ‘working’ and it also goves baby a change from one to the other to keep his interest peeked)

I work mostly with my 4 year old while he is napping.  My 3 year old chimes in there too but it is not required.  When I am doing any type of read aloud with everyone we often go to the baby’s room.  There is a nice comfy chair for mom.  The kids sit on the floor and baby has the run of the room without bing able to escape, destroy anything or hurt himself.

When I need to cook, baby goes in the high chair with toys and my other two usually color at the table (this makes baby feel like his is included insted of just being strapped in a high chair)  You could do copywork this way???

I also use a playpen in small doses.  I was NEVER a playpen mom with my oldest 2 but with these last three I have seen the need for it.  Even if he cries I know he is safe.  I rotate toys.  I put the toys he likes the most in there and I do not let him have those toys outside of the play pen (to keep their novelty)  If I leave him too long he will try to climb out, so only about 15-20 minutes at a time.

If I am cleaning, he is shut in the room with me.  If he is destroying everything I clean I drag the playpen from room to room.  Usually if I am dusting I give him a clean rag to wipe with.  Just something to keep his hands busy.  If I am cleaning a bathroom I either let him play in the bath tub with a little water or in my master bath I can put him in the tub (big deep garden tub) an he will play in it dry with a toy!

Also, I don’t do this but when my friends twins were little she had a tant that she pitched in the house.  It had two door zippers.  One zipped up a screen door that you could see through.  The other zipped down the door.  SHe would zip the twins in with the screen door down so she could see them and they could see her. 

I have also been known to wear my kids around the house in the hiking backpack.  They get heavy but it is a good work out!  Esp of you are vacuuming!

Hope some of these ides help!

Shawna – what a blessing your post is!  Such wise words from a still very young mom with young kiddos!

I always think that 18 months is worse than 2 – everyone talks about the terrible twos, but I’ll trade you a two year old for an 18 month old ANY day.

A couple more suggestions to buy some time with that busy little guy (loved Laurap’s suggestions as well)>  put him in a high chair and give him LOTS of things to eat, also invest in a small vacuum your older kids can operate for after he’s made ahuge mess with those cheerios – my four year old LOVES to vacuum.

Clean the bathroom while the 18 month old plays in the bath – you could let one of your older ones take a bath with him or play over the side with him while you have your back turned as long as they know to let you know if he takes a dive.  My kids can play FOREVER in the bath, or at least long enough for me to get the counters cleared and wipeds and a mirror wiped and a toilet scrubbed, ESPECIALLY when I have my girls help me.  My 6 and 4 year old can both clean their bathroom satifactorily (is that a word???) – we just use vinegar and water and some old rags and then a microfiber cloth for the mirror so no worries about chemicals.

Also – if money allows, you might even consider having someone come in to clean bathrooms and kitchen and vaccuum a couple times a month – I sent out a request on our homeschool e-loop and didn’t even put the pay (just $10 an hour) and I must have had two dozen responses from teen girls who were interested.  I offered to train them and the responses came flooding in.

Also, a weekly or monthly mealplan is ESSENTIAL. Even better if you can also carve out a Saturday to do a once a month cooking – I have done this quarterly with two friends – we usually pick 15 recipes and then make 6 of each recipe so we go home with about 30 meals each… WHAT A DELIGHT!!!! to have meals in the freezer when you need them!  They usually last about 3 months for us because we still cook, but on those days that we’re desperate it’s so nice to be able to pull something out of the freezer and not have to thinnk about it.

Definitely work on the playpen time.  Even if he cries – let him cry.  He’ll be ok and your older kids are more than capable of spending time with him to entertain him with various toys for brief periods of time.

I agree with the babyproofing of the bedroom.  If I need a nap, I can put my 6,4 and 2 year old in a “safe” room and charge the 6 year old to let me know if the 2 year old needs me – she capable of keeping the little ones safe for 30 minutes so I can nap or at least rest/shower whatever and I know that as long as they are in that room they are safe – no choking hazards, minimal furniture to crawl upon, outlets covered, etc…

I also agree with wearing the little tyke – if you’re physically able, my two year old thinks it’s such a novelty, I wore her into a store the other day so I wouldn’t have to try to make her comply with holding my hand and staying still – it held her attention much longer because she got to snuggle up and do something different.

And then just general discipline.  http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com is my favorite recommendation.  Your 18 month old can and should be expected to obey some simple commands and not allowed to drive you insane. 

Blessings,

Rebekah

Sara, it really does sound like you’re trying your best and doing pretty well. 

For my own chores, I like to have one job fall on a certain day of the week so that I don’t feel like I have to find a whole day to clean the entire house. Here’s what my personal chore schedule looks like:

• Monday: clean bathrooms
• Tuesday: dust/vacuum living and dining room
• Wednesday: dust/vacuum bedrooms
• Thursday: deep clean/mop kitchen and pantry
• Friday: vacuum floors- whole house (we have wood floors throughout)

Saturday and Sunday are free for my family and for rest. Now, I’m not always completely faithful to do this exact list every week, but I try my best. 

Also, is your husband willing to help you around the house at all? My hubby is always willing to help, if I just ask. We try to have a Housecleaning Party once a month, where we all pitch in and do various cleaning jobs around the house. He is always in charge of cleaning showers, ceiling fans, and helping the kids in their rooms. We decided a long time ago that we were going to be a team that shared responsibilities and jobs equally. His full-time job happens to be graphic design; my full-time job happens to be being a momma/teacher. We work together to make sure we’re both getting our jobs done, even if that means helping one another with our respective jobs. It’s also good for our kids to see us working together. I know that my husband is setting a good example for our kids: that it’s ok for a Dad/Husband to help out around the house and to do so willingly, without complaining.

Anyway, I was just wondering if you might be able to let your husband know how overwhelmed you feel. Perhaps he would be willing to alleviate some of the stress, if he just knew what to do.

Like the others said, your unpacking might just have to take longer than expected. Maybe you and your husband could set a goal to unpack one or two boxes each evening after the kids have gone to bed. It wouldn’t take more than 20-30 minutes, but the payoff would be enough to keep you motivated. If he’s not home in the evenings, you could set a goal for yourself. Your boxes would probably be unpacked within a month (unless you have hundreds!).

I totally agree with Shawnab about having an afternoon or even a whole day to yourself to chill out. But, do you and your husband have time together without the children regularly? Our children go to bed early (by 8:30 at the latest) and we spend at least two hours together about four nights a week. (He works the other three nights.) Sometimes we talk, other times we just watch a good movie and drink coffee, but we make our time together a priority. We’re able to go on an actual date about once a month. We use our time together to recharge and have fun together. 

It might be refreshing to you to go on a date with your husband and let him know in advance that you have some things on your heart that you need to talk about with him. Our husbands want to know what our needs and desires are, but we have to tell them. The notion that they can read our minds is only found in the movies. We can’t expect them to know what we need or how to meet our needs unless we communicate those needs with them. I know my husband would want to know how he could help if I was overwhelmed; I’m sure yours would too.

Finally, in your situation, I would make a daily, afternoon rest time an absolute non-negotiable. The older children can lay in their beds quietly for an hour or more while the younger ones actually take a nap. And, I agree with SarahCPA about letting the baby cry for a little while in his playpen or crib. It won’t hurt him to get used to you not coming to him at his every beck and call. You can use this time to rest yourself, or if you feel like it, unpack, sweep the kitchen, do dinner prep work, etc.

I hope that’s helpful. You’ve received lots of great advice here! I hope it helps!

Blessings,

Lindsey

Excellent advice given here. I do not have much to add. Just another mom that UNDERSTANDS!

I have four kids, also close in age, and while they were tiny, it felt very much like “survival years”. But it won’t always be this hard. They do grow and learn to get into less trouble. Not that things run perfectly smooth for me now, but it’s definitely not as hard as it was just a year or two ago.

I agree with putting your husband high on your priority list, above the children. It’s really hard, I know, when the kids are little and demanding, but it’s important. If his tank is full, in that he feels valued and respected by you, then he’ll be more likely to listen and help. Pray, pray, pray for him too!

We used the drive-time dates for years. It worked very well as a time for us to talk. Except for that period when our 4th was born and screamed every time she got in the car seat. Ah, those were the days! But she grew out of it, eventually.

Moving on top of the holidays — I can see how much stress those two combined will add. Give yourself time to feel settled in the new home. It’s always a big adjustment for everyone.

My husband is not one to help often with household cleaning chores, but he does many other things. He always helps with unpacking (we move often since he’s in the military), and there’s no way I could do it without him. Actually it annoys me when he helps, because he does it all so quickly without thinking through where things should really go. And that’s the crux – I spend too much time “thinking” and not enough time “doing”. He helps me get over that, and I am always so grateful! So, if your husband is willing to help and please don’t push him into it if he’s not, then a few hours on Saturday working together may get all those boxes finally unpacked. Always feels great to finally finish, even if it’s not done exactly the way you want.

Hang in there. You’re doing great!

Joy

Wife of a Navy guy and mom to four, ds8, ds6, dd5, dd3

About putting your husband first before the children…

While I know I haven’t been doing this lately, I didn’t realize until I was reading this thread why. What if putting my husband’s needs first only seem to mean more work for me? And I do mean actual “work”. Work in his small business. I just realized how much resentment I have about the workload it’s created for me, in addition to everything else I have to do. It’s like working a part time job. I’m not even seeing his other needs as a person at the moment, all I see is that he wants the business work done. And this is likely not true at all. I seem to be stuck in thinking that meeting his needs means working in the business only. The business is a HUGE source of stress for me right now.  

I guess I really need to do some praying huh? This past year has been the hardest one in my life – and our marriage – for more than the reason I mentioned above, we’ve had some difficult circumstances hit our family. How can I start seeing HIM again instead of all this work?!

Sara,

 I concur with the ‘artificial’ restraints to place on the 18th month old, like the playpen, high chair and even that hoppy, jumpy thing (where they’re in the middle, you can find them at thrift stores). There’s no neglectfulness there. My son was in one and I think it helped him develop the ability to play independently from early on since he would play with the items I put in there, like puzzles and wooden blocks, etc. If he cries because he can’t see you, don’t go running to him (you’ll know if he’s in real danger), just call out to him in a reassuring voice that he’s ok and you’re there; that’s all he needs to feel secure. If you run to him, he’s controlling you and it will further inhibit a natural independence from you that should be occuring at this stage and the running to and fro will make you crazy.

  I hear your frustration and sense of being overwhelmed. As the wife of a man with chronic health troubles and an impatient nature (though the demanding/needy part has lessoned over the years, but only because I put boundaries up and his health and my surgeries have tempered him). I think there are different seasons in life and therefore call for different actions and reactions on our part; we must adjust to new circumstances that G-d has us in or become overhwelmed and everything will suffer.

Two things you mentioned that struck me as being able to be eliminated at this point in your life; not forever, but just now. The blog and church volunteering. The first is obvious-a blog is an extra and sometimes our lives are at a place where that type of thing needs to be set aside and freed from. There isn’t any area in Scripture that would beholden you to it. Secondly, and I’m expressing my opinion, first- that I believe it is wrong for young mothers and mothers of young ones, to be expected to volunteer at church. I grew up as a preacher’s dd and just because a church asks it, does not mean you should be the doing it. Your G-d-given role and duties at this time is as wife, mother and HS’ling mom in accordance to Deut. 6. and your duties are there first; not to be volunteering at the church; leave that to the older ladies , childless moms or moms of older children. Again, it’s about different seasons of your life and what you should prioritize.

I second everyone’s encouragement regrading your husband. I would like to add something else, if I may. A root issue that hasn’t been brought up is the fact that he uses ‘stopping homeschooling’ because, IMO, he knows it bothers you (you called it blackmail and that’s about right) and will, frankly, end the discussion. I say that without disrespect, but from a voice of experience. My husband has a tendency to use certrain phrases to end my part of the conversation, if I let him, generally because he doesn’t like to hear my frustration, not because he’s trying to be mean; but it is a controlling technique that is employed by some people to stop the direction of the conversation-esp. if something is required more of them to help the other’s frustration be relieved (as is the case here). In other words, to help eleviate some of your frustration would require more of him and/or require you to stop doing the things HE wants you to do, i.e. church volunteerism. Frankly, husband’s and churches have to hear “no” sometimes. When you’re trying to express your feelings and he uses that type of rhetoric, I would respond by asking him why he picks HS’ling to stop when he knows it’s Scriptural and knowing how much it means to you and let him know how it makes you feel when that is said (using lots of “I”s , not “you”s)? The two of you agreed that this is what’s right for your children. Church volunteerism is not required of you by G-d (explain how doing it makes you feel); being a wife and keeper at home is, as is a homeschooling parent. You’re asking for his ear, his help and to inform him that due to this season in your life, for your health (this will start to affect that) and so you can be a more effective wife, mother and homemaker, that a, b , and c must be set aside for now and you pray he supports and understands and that you need his help with (place what those are here-make a list before talking to). His assitance with the boxes, for example; letting you nap on the weekends while he loads the dishwasher or does some laundry. Tell him how much it would mean to you if he would help you (serve you) in this way. When you always say yes to some husbands, it illicits a sensitivity, to others, they just demand more, not being unloving, it’s just their particular personality type (and their expectations based on their own childhood; I have that problem from hubby in that my late-MIL was a great cook), just that they think you can handle it because you keep saying yes and keep doing it! I think you must narrow your activities and expectations down to a doable level; whatever that means in application. More discipline and chore requirements of the children to help out (the two olders can do a lot), figuring out a better meal plan (freezing stuff, using your crockpot), definitely a daily rest period for all, looking at a more ‘light’ schedule for school (just the basics), restraining and training the 18 mth. old, all the other wonderful suggestions made by others.

So that is my less popular advice and I don’t think any less “submissive”. You may think it not very good advice and ignore it and that is up to you as you know your situation best. Please now that I mean no dishonor; you know his type, what words hit him the wrong way and which ones the right way. I pray for your husband’s heart and mind eyes to be sensitive to your exhaustion and frustration and to serve you and honor you as protector and defender in this. Plus, that G-d would give you discernment on prioritizing, and give you peace with your decisions, the perseverance to implement them and the right words to express yourself with.

Shalom, Rachel