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Opposite of laziness is…
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I’m trying to figure out what habit my 12yo needs to work on. We have noticed for quite a while now that she is lazy. She “forgets” to put things away, she leaves things all over the yard, she takes our things and “forgets” she even did it (we haven’t figured out if she’s lying or if she truly doesn’t remember taking it, or if she’s just forgetting to put it back but she thinks she did, or what), she doesn’t get her schoolwork done (at all or when she does do it, not well), etc. But she remembers when she wants to read, or cook/bake, or sew, or whatever. Then she’s fine. Though she doesn’t pick up after herself with any of those things, or when she does, she puts it away in a mess or in the wrong places.
Would this be diligence, or remembering, or something else? I just want to help her get out of this rut she seems to be in. I get that part of it is age, but we are absolutely certain it is mostly just pure laziness.
TIA!
I think that would be diligence since, by definition, that is careful and persistent effort. It addresses not merely the obedience of completing a task but also seeing things through to the end, with great care. I looked briefly at the index for SCM’s book Laying Down the Rails, and it is mentioned within the chapter on Other Habits of Decency and Propriety as well as within the habits of attention and obedience.
I’m not sure where I read this (most likely in LDTR), but there was a technique that got some results with my children, and that is the “practicing” of a task that was not completed properly. It worked something like this: “I noticed, Susie-Q, that you have not been careful to throw your used tissues into the wastebasket. You seem to need more practice with this so the tissues don’t always end up on the floor. I am going to give you a tissue, and you are going to carry it to the wastebasket, drop it into the wastebasket, and then go sit back down. We will practice this several times until you do it properly and cheerfully.” You then watch the child do this task, making sure that their attitude is correct and the task is completed properly…..to the letter.
In other words, if the child stomps over to the wastebasket, you stop her, tell her what she did wrong, and have her repeat the action from step one. If she rolls her eyes on the way over, it is repeated. If she dramatically throws it at the basket, it is repeated. If she sighs with exasperation, it is repeated. If she laughs while doing it because she thinks the whole thing is funny (happens often with us–me included!), it is repeated. If she tosses it in but does not go back to sit down (“There, I did it. Satisfied?”), it is repeated.
Do you see how this works? The best part of this exercise, I think, is that it makes the child stop and consider how careful attention must be exercised in small tasks as well as larger, seemingly important tasks.
Please try not to call her lazy. I am living proof of what that does to a child, and it is not helpful. My first thought is that she may have issues similar to ADD. That means that she may be much better with big picture things, but not notice details unless it is with her art project etc.
My husband is like this. Most of the time he is messy and misses details often. He is anything but lazy. He works long hours and helps at home a lot. Sizzlebop.com has tips for distracted children.
I told my kids that there are three kinds of people. Those who leave a room messy, those who leave a room the same as it was, and those who leave a room better than when they entered. Which type of person do you want to have around? Which person do you want to be? Do you want to be a person who leaves trails of items wherever they go? I don’t. I tell them that they need to practice picking up then.
At other times I say, “I see a trail.” They look to see if it was their trail.
Success in this area takes lots of training and patience. Pick the most important area and start with that.
By the way, I do not have this all figured out, and I am not a parenting expert. My children have many issues in this area.
Was she always like this? Would a temporary checklist on the wall help her? It could have the main bullet points listed: did I clean up my trail, is there trash to throw into the trash can, etc. Do you ever pull her to your view so she can “see” it? Maybe take her upstairs to a window to see the yard with all her things around. Just some thoughts…
I’m following this thread with interest — my 10yo daughter is like this…..I’ve been preaching lately that we need to do what we HAVE TO do first and then what we WANT to do.
But, I suspect preaching is not what I should be doing. (I do model it – goodness, sewing is the thing last on my list! And I daydream about sewing, put myself to sleep by imagining what I’ll sew next, read pattern envelopes in my spare time, etc.!! I want to sew!)
I’m just not sure how to get her to do her schoolwork (math, particularly) without me asking her time after time, “Is your mathwork finished?”
I have noticed that complimenting my daughter on her selflessness has bred more selflessness…..but the scenarios I’m thinking of involved something she enjoys doing…. So I’m not sure that complimenting is the answer, either.
My 9 year old daughter has been like this forever it seems. I do not call her lazy because I was when I was her age and I am anything BUT lazy now. I am going to try several ideas from this post with her and see if they help. (She has gotten better with what I was doing but still needs much improvement). She is very forgetful so I think that is part of it but I also think she just wants to take the short cut. She does remember stuff if it’s what she wants to do.
What has helped her the most is a reward system I read about somewhere (i think it was TJEd) involving a jar of beans. Each time her or her siblings do something good; this can be anything from doing chores without complaining, helping with extra chores or getting an A+ on their math; they get a bean or several beans. When the jar is full they get to pick a reward such as a trip to a museum or restaurant etc. We are very close to it being completely filled and so are going to an indoor waterpark near us as the reward. This has helped quite a bit.
one thing I had to implement with my older daughter at that age (she’s now 17.5yo) was a checklist. She knew HOW to do the task(s), and knew what was EXPECTED, but I found that *for her at least* it was indeed a matter of forgetfulness.
If it were say, the kitchen clean-up after dinner, which consists of loading dishwasher, handwashing anything that needed it, rinsing/washing out the sink, wiping off the stove, AND wiping down the counters. Typically it was the STOVE that would be forgotten.
I don’t know if CM would’ve been okay with a checklist. But this was where my daughter was at for that particular task. We’d already done the how and why and mirroring and shadowing and whatnot for teaching. The checklist was something she actually asked for. It was a “helper” to know she’d reached the completion of the task. She didn’t always need it, but it helped when she was in a particularly flighty phase. LOL (hormones will do that to a girl, i tell ya!)
Furthermore, she is now older as I said, and I’ve had a couple conversations (and pointed out the “whats”) about going *above and beyond*, *exceeding expectations,* and *finding what ought to be done and doing it even without being asked.* With the aforementioned kitchen clean-up after dinner, it might be doing a quick organization of the storage containers’ cabinet, or a quick Swiffer of the floors (even though it isn’t the appointed day to break out the steam mop,) or giving a once-over wipe down of the microwave. THAT’S, to me, a wonderful showing of insight and helpfulness and extends to other parts of the house, siblings, places of employment, and spousal kindness. (I know you didn’t ask about all that, just something that was a “next step” for us at an older age.)
As far as completeness of schoolwork… what are your consequences for NOT getting XYZ done? Or for getting an assignment “done” in a shoddy manner? (rhetorical here, you don’t HAVE to answer, just food for thought.) I’ve done lost privileges, missing an upcoming outing (to instead stay home and do the work), and so forth. I’ve also needed to scale back an assignment a few times over the course of the years of her doing independent work– whereas the assignment was, indeed, toooo long for the time allotted. (This was often a research/writing assignment but I didn’t take into account outside appointments and other scheduling conflicts.) However, those were rare. As she’s matured she’s actually become rather self-sufficient in her learning, comes to me with delight about whatever it is she’s learning, can pull something good from even the driest of assignment (more often than not), and has figured out (with adulthood looming) that all of which I’ve set before her IS INDEED FOR HER OWN GOOD. She sees how rich her education has been and thanks me for homeschooling her quite regularly. (Pat myself on the back, thank you. LOL)
All in all, I’d say to double and triple check that the expectations are within the realm of doable, that she KNOWS FULLY what is expected, and has the tools and skill to do it to the BEST of her ability and through to COMPLETION. And IF NOT, that consequences are laid out in advance and known, and FOLLOWED THROUGH on your part.
Budding teens and TEENAGERS in general, IMO, are in a world unto their own. They are all about themselves. It is a time of growth both physically AND mentally. There’s a LOT going on in that continually developing brain. I know how “distracted” and unconsciously flighty I was after a child’s birth and through my times of nursing a wee one. Moms call it “brain drain”… for teens I like to think of it as I said, a whole lot of hormones in the body and a whole lot going on in the brain. If it isn’t a matter of DEFIANCE, consider it an area which can still be honed and developed through continued teaching and guidance, modeling,and whatnot.
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