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Off topic: Extended family issue
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Hi Ladies, I value the wisdom on this board so much and this is about the only place I would post something like this and I wanted some opinions and feedback. I don’t want to stir any controversy over any issues or anything, but I sincerely need some feedback.
My husband had a chemical dependency issue years back. My entire family knew about it. It took two times in rehab and he has remained clean after coming to know Christ as Lord during the second time.
Meanwhile, a few years ago my very forcefully “Christian” sister who had homeschooled her children their entire lives began to get very involved in the world soon after her children were finished with their schooling while still living in her house. Dabbling in witchcraft and the like…teaching her children to follow her on this path. When I would see them they would each time be dramatically more changed and they weren’t honest about what was going on. So, I snooped on Myspace (my mistake) at their pages and saw that my neice was labeling herself as “lesbian”. I honestly thought it was a joke and sent a quick email to my sis to ask what was up with it and what I received back was horrid. Homos*xuality was defended as something approved of in Scripture and I, my husband and the way I was raising my children was blasted abusively…beyond anything I could imagine saying to my worst enemy. My nephew began posting some things on the internet about my husband’s past substance problem, which could have been potentially damaging for our family considering he is the sole provider. There was alot of slander going on towards us.
That said, I made a decision not to have my children around this family – including holiday gatherings. My oldest is 9 and I think this lifestyle that my sister’s family has embraced (now all calling themselves neo-pagans) would be at the very least confusing to my children since they used to be so very openly “Christian”. I pray for them often to be lifted from this deception, but other than that we have kept our distance.
My other sister is now contributing my abstinence from family gatherings to “breaking up the family” since we are never together as a unit anymore.
I am wondering, do you see it this way? Even if I attended these gatherings, my husband would not. He has been slandered far too much. I almost feel that if I attended without him I would be dishonoring him.
Thank you in advance for your honest opinions. As I stated, I mean no offence to anyone here and do not intend a heated discussion…just: What would you do if you were in my situation?
Heather
(((hugs))) Heather! To be completely honest, I would do exactly what you have done – back off. Not for my sake so much as for my children’s sake. And I would be open & honest about it to my kids (at least as much as you can say about it). Then I would email your family and let them all know exactly why you’re doing what you’re doing, and then leave it at that.
What an ugly situation. I’ll be praying for your family, both immediate & extended.
Heather I would do as you are doing. My sister is an atheist and very much against people having children – so when I got pregnant with our children she stopped speaking to me, it made life very horrible for mmy mother and father, and from then on until my parents died, my sister and I would never be home to visit at the same time – this situation is not the same, but it was a family rift. Your duty is to protect your own family and so you must do what you and your hubby think best…can you see family members at different times to your sister as I did, or are they all taking sides? I would continue to do what you are doing and continue to pray hard.
Heather, I have gone through something very similar with my own mother. First my husband just quit going to family gatherings, but then after we had children I had to cut off all contact. It is very hard but it is the right thing to do. I have forgiven, and I still love her. It has been tricky to explain to my children without ruining their view of her. I told them that she isn’t a bad person but has made some bad choices and we need to love her and pray for her that she would return to Jesus. But we have a duty to protect our children and the seeds that others plant in them are a real danger. Bitterness poisons all who come in contact with it.
I believe you are doing the right thing by honoring and standing by your husband, and shielding your children from negative influences.
Tara
That’s wonderful about your husband!
Satan is the great deceiver isn’t he? I am so sorry for all the hurt that must be causing for you, and sorry for them as well, living in a dark state like that. I agree with Sara B, and I think your instinct to protect your children from those influences are right on. I also think you should be unified with your husband, even though it’s your family, and make sure he knows you support him despite the slander. He is your life now and your family’s leader, and I think you can still love your family without condoning their behavior through praying for them as you said, or by phone calls/texts, etc. I also think you could meet with your sister once face to face to explain your reasoning to her and maybe witness to her one more time.
I thought of these verses for your family: 1 Peter 3:14-16 But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame.
God can change anyone’s heart, so your prayers for them are not in vain. Blessings and hope for healing in your family.
You are doing what Christ would have you to do, Heather. I would do exactly what you have done. You can still pray for her as a family and see the power of God at work!
Tara
I agree – protect your children and support your husband. Sorry you are facing this.
You aren’t causing the rift – they did by the slander….
I know what it is like to feel like you are breaking up the (childhood) family – because of the actions of another family member, and I know it doesn’t feel good….
Oh, my. You are doing what you need to do, even though it’s hard. Keep following the One who will grant you the peace you need. Pray and love on the family as best you can. Prayers for you.
There is a family who we used to be good friends with who had a very similar situation. They were a conservative, Christian family and have become broken and now embrace all sorts of “alternative” lifestyles. I do agree that you need to honor your husband and protect your children, but with your husband’s blessing I hope that you can still find ways that you can keep in contact with your sister. There may come a time when you will be the only thread she has to hold onto.
I am so very sorry for you and your family….this has to be difficult on all of you.
With that said, I agree with everyone else. If we were in this situation (especially in this time of our live’s/marriage) I would not attend if my dh wasn’t or if he had been slandered. I would openly pray for my family but I would not risk my marriage for this type of situation, even if it is family. My dh is extrememely protective over our kids and even though he has friends/family he ministers to at times, he does not take our children along. He has let them know that we must love, pray, and minister when it’s humanely possible, but that does not mean he has to take them (to show them) what he is doing. They seem to understand that people make choices that then force us to choose whether or not it’s an environment we want to be around, especially for their sake. As adults we can handle certain situations, but our children are dependent on our discretion, so we must do our very best to protect them. I’m thinking that if your dh would agree maybe you could continue a civil relationship with your family without including your dc or him. You could keep the door open but on your terms, meaning you can show the love of Christ (cause they’ll probably accuse you of not being a loving Christian, but judgemental instead) without sacrificing your dc or dishonoring your dh. That was just a thought, of course.
I am very sorry to hear that part of your family is entangled in such life-changing deception, but with continued prayer, there is still hope.
You did the right thing. We don’t spend time with people for all sort of reasons. Don’t matter to me parents, sisters, friends, neighbors… we must do what we see is right first.
We don’t spend time outside of major family functions with my dh’s sister (and family) cause we don’t see eye to eye. We limit our time with my parents (which can be hard in the summer as they have a cabin) because they don’t instill the same beliefs and values as we do.
We do what is right within our own home. We are only responsible for us. Blessings
Misty
Thank you so much for your responses and your encouragement! I felt like the way I had responded was correct, but I needed some confirmation from some wise ladies whom I have come to trust. I do pray that my sister and her family will come to repentance and until then I will continue to safeguard my children’s hearts until they are strong enough to stand on their own. Suzukimom, thank you for putting it into perspective – it is my “childhood” family…not the family I will be held accountable for. I am going to make an effort to explain my reasonings to my other sister and hopefully that relationship will be able to be spared from division.
Thank you, thank you, thank you ladies!
I typed my response with a 1.5yo clinging to me on my lap – so I’m glad I added the “childhood” word in, as I debated the extra letters to type in one handed… lol.
And yes, although the childhood family is important, your married family has to take precsedence, especially in the case of protecting your children.
And yes, I’d try to keep in contact yourself where possible.
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