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Off Topic: Church/Fellowship Question
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We have been attending a church for about 4 months that we really feel is spot on with teaching, outreach and has a genuine love for those within the church. After leaving our last church almost a year ago and visiting around so much, I know this church is rare. So, here is my question:
How much “fellowship” is too much…in your opinion? There is alot of pressure to participate in extra things at this church…extra in my mind, but highly valued in the eyes of this church. We purposefully do not do alot of extra curriculars with the kids. They have one or two activities that they participate in, homeschool co-op and a sport that meets one day a week for 8 weeks in the fall and 8 weeks in the spring. I find that when I am going here and going there, I don’t get my household chores done, schoolwork dwindles and the kids are stressed from being hurried along.
This is a church that does not have youth group (which we are happy about) and has children’s classes only up to 6 years af age. There is purposefully no Sunday school, so members are expected to join a small group that meets one evening a week. In fact you cannot join the church unless you commit to one of these groups. Additionally, there is ladies Bible study 3 Sunday nights a month, men’s group 1 Sunday night per month, pot luck one Sunday per month, men’s prayer group one Saturday morning per month….sigh.
I am just wondering where is the time for family? I can see attending small group twice a month, plus Worship service and serving members where there are specific needs, but I am feeling extra pressure and I don’t know if I am wrong in feeling resistant towards this. I was reading For the Children’s Sake this afternoon and I feel a sense of wanting to protect the free time that the children have. I need to mention that these small groups do not meet for Bible Study, just a meal and fellowship.
Do you have any thoughts you can share?
We are a family that has very little outside activities so I totally understand about the need for time at home. However, it doesn’t look like the church is taking much family time during the week except the small group which I could see twice a month being more reasonable. Just going to church on Sunday morning doesn’t foster the needed connections in the body of Christ. Fellowship in the Word in smaller settings and fellowship by visiting is what build the relationships that make the Church function like it is supposed to. I feel the connections that come from smaller church group settings are crucial to the health of the Church so I would tend to put those as priorities above secular activities.
I think that if the expectation is to do ALL of that, it sounds like a lot. I agree that going to church and fellowship through a small group is important (but we generally meet 2x/mo. for small group). I’ve been a pastor’s wife for years (until recently)…hubby has actually been the discipleship/small groups pastor at our churches. We highly value relationships in a small group context…but feel that they should foster accountable relationships where people can confidentially share struggles and joys and encourage each other to grow. Not just fellowship and not just bible study (in our opinion). Though those things are good, of course!! I think it’s important to not get too overcommited or family life is stressful and it becomes stressful to do things like take someone a meal, or watch their kids when they have Dr.’s appt.’s/surgeries, etc., or serve where our passion is. The things they are asking are good things, but I don’t think anybody should feel pressured to do all at the same time…esp. when they have young children. Just my .02:) Gina
Thank you so much for your input. I am not sure why I am having such a hard time with this. If the small group was Bible study I don’t think I’d be struggling so much, but it’s not. It’s just dinner and hanging out. My husband travels so much and in the evening I am just plain old tired. My son has so many food allergies I have to prepare something special for him as well as bring a dish to share. I guess I am just viewing it all as extra work, and I am feeling pressured to participate.
Thank you again for your input!
With those extra details, I can definitely see it being more stressful. Can you be up front with the leadership that you will only be able to participate a couple times a month.
@ HiddenJewel, I can. I’m not sure how well it’s going to go over though! My husband will be back from the assignment he’s currently on in about 3 weeks and I think this will be the last of his travel for a long while. I am going to let him handle that when he gets home. I’m pretty sure that we wouldn’t be allowed to join if we don’t “commit” to a group. We’re also required to “re-commit” on a yearly basis in order for membership to be considered active.
@Gina, Thank you so much for your perspective! I’d rather be available to serve in the ways you’ve mentioned rather than stressing the family out by doing the extra things that I’m not sure are essential to growth in the body.
“…rather than stressing the family out by doing the extra things that I’m not sure are essential to growth in the body”
This is a huge key! For me, I see the lack of fellowship and the effect it has on the church body in regards to non-growth. So that is probably why the things your church is trying to put into place resonate so strongly with me. But without being convinced that those steps are important, it would seem like just another appointment to fit into the calendar.
I think pressuring you to do more is not good. So much depends on individual famiies’ schedules and needs. I woudl be veyr firm and direct that you are happy to do the midweek group but don’t want to disrupt your family time to do more. And if the comments persist, then it might start to be problematic. A good church should understand the value of family time (and it does sound like a church that values family).
I personally would not be comfortable with a church that requires midweek groups as a part of membership. I don’t believe churches should require more than the Bible does, which in terms of attendance would mean Sunday worship. Though I do think such groups are a good thing.
Nebby
Yes, I agree that if you don’t see the things as essential for growth it doesn’t make sense to stress out your schedule over them. I think busyness w/church things can be equated w/being more spiritual but that’s not necessarily the case. When I was single I was very active in my church…leading the young adult group, serving in children’s ministry, leading a small group of women. This all looked good on the outside, but my personal time w/the Lord was not good! I was a people pleaser and did the right things, but not always for the right reasons. Now dh has really helped to reel me in, since I can have a tendency to over-commit and then feel stressed out (which harms our family). I would prayerfully consider each opportunity and only commit to those I felt God leading….and a good, Biblical church should understand that. Good luck! Blessings, Gina
“I don’t believe churches should require more than the Bible does, which in terms of attendance would mean Sunday worship.”
The Bible says not to forsake the assembly together with other believers. To me this does not mandate Sunday morning church but that believers are gathering together edifying each other. Am I missing a Scripture some where?
I agree with HiddenJewel. It does nothing to build the body of the church to only “show up” on Sundays. And the Bible doesn’t preach that you have only a one day a week commitment to your congregation. I feel our church has an excellent balance of Bible and/or Book study small groups (two church-wide studies per year, though smaller independent groups do more — these are usually the older women who have no children at home. We have pot-lucks three times a year right before our business meetings. We have two BBQs right after the River baptism in June and September, and a week-long Family camp in August. Occassionally there will be a special movie night or other event. These are all excellent opportunities to fellowship beyond the Sunday morning. While everyone is encouraged to participate, the Church-wide small-groups are the most important thing the leadership pushes, but nothing is mandatory. Most of us have connected with other families that we socialize with through these events.
We also have expectations in terms of service. All members of our church are encouraged to participate on the cleaning schedule as we do not have a paid custodian. We are a very large church and each cleaning team of seven individuals and families prarticipates by cleaning one area of the church 4 times a year. People are encouraged to be involved in another ministry, but not in several. For example, my husband and I serve in Kidz Church on a rotating basis. Occassionally my husband will be called on as a spare chaperone for a youth event, and I will help direct the children’s Christmas play. These are related and connected in a sense. These are doable commitments for us. My husband would love to be able to participate in more of the mens events which usually happen monthly, but misses many of them due to work. They are usually Saturday mornings and are over before noon, so they don’t steal a lot of our family time if he does go.
I am at the church three hours a day, six days a week with my boys — but that because I am the Administrative Assitant. I am expected to show an example of service and community, but I am not expected to participate in everything.
Sorry, I meant to add that your level of commitment and service needs to reflect where you are in life. Your family is your first ministry field — the one God assigned to you. The church body should be there for your support, and you need to be their to provide support to them. There are different ways of doing this. Developing relationships with fellow believers is the most significant part of this. However, we can’t do that at the expense of the mission God gave us. There has to be a balance.
The New Testament church met in both the temple and in homes. I think both are important to our growth and the growth of the church. I think it’s also important to not become legalistic about it. Churches should not come knocking on your door if you miss a service (we’ve known this…long ago… to happen to a relative of ours!) And while I don’t think a church should mandate that you HAVE to be in a small group, I do think that the pastor should have a vision for it and it should be strongly encouraged by him. But I don’t think it should be mandated how often to have a small group. My hubby (as mentioned) was a small groups/discipleship pastor for 15 years and has a near PhD in New Testament theology and his/our favorite schedule for small group life is Sept.-May w/summers and Dec. off, except for socials. And when meeting Sept.-May we like it to be 2x/month…and sometimes do every 4th meeting as a social.
For there to be real growth and small group time to be purposeful, there should be vision to not just have a social and not just a bible study. Of course it’s good to do those things! But there’s only so much time. We can study the bible and religious books on our own. But true ‘iron sharpening iron’ comes when men meet with men and women meet with women to openly share how we’re doing in our devotions, loving our spouses, raising our kids, men sharing purity issues, etc. When we lead couples groups, after about 6 mo. when a comfort level has developed, we break down for accountability and prayer time (after doing the study together as couples). This is a great way to have our family do group together, kids play together, men w/men, women w/women, and only 2x per month:) Sorry to get on my soapbox here….many pastors just don’t ‘get’ this and it’s hubby’s area of study and passion! We just don’t see the point in lots of busy activities w/o purpose, especially if it’s something we can do on our own or as a family. I’ll stop now:) Blessings, Gina
I totally agree that the small groups are a blessing and will help each of us and the church as a whole to grow spiritually. It also gives us people to be accountable to and who can support us. We are able to be there for someone else, also. That being said, I have a hard time with it being mandatory to commit to a group and re-commit every year for membership. To me, the commitment and choice of participation is a personal thing between an individual and God. I think I would have a harder time being told I had to commit to a “social” meal and visiting that wasn’t a Bible study. Our family doesn’t regularly participate in evening events on week days. Our children go to bed at 7pm. That makes it very hard to do a meal and visiting and still have the kids in bed on time. We aren’t that far behind the kids for bed, either. DH has to be at work by 6:30am, so we are up early. We do participate in church potlucks after the service. If there is a vespers planned we normally attend that, though sometimes we do something else. I would love to join a small group Bible study but it would have to be during the day. We each have to make a choice of what is best for our families. Our children and families are our mission and our job right now.
In a nutshell, I think that small groups are great. But, I don’t like the idea of making the mandatory. I’m sure you are already praying for God’s leading in this situation and the decisions to be made. I’ll pray for you, too.
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