Obedience sorely lacking lately – HELP!

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  • July 30, 2010 at 3:43 am
    Sara B.
    Participant

    Our 3 girls, ages 7, 6, and 3 1/2, have been having a very tough time with obedience lately.  Granted, we are stuck in my grandparents’ basement (have an offer on a short sale – long story short, it’s taking FOREVER), and so it’s a tight space, but this is ridiculous.  I used to count to 3.  Now I count to 2.  I think I need to cut out all counting.  Lately I’ve been trying to encourage immediate obedience, so I’ll swat them on the rear right away if they don’t obey, or at least after 2 tries.  But it’s getting to be way too many swats in a day, and I’m getting quite tired of it.  Our If-Then chart hasn’t changed, it’s always been a swat if they disobey.

    I have no idea what’s different suddenly, but I have a feeling it’s because we are out of our routines since we’re on our “summer break.”  They still have a bedtime that we try hard to adhere to, and they still have a few regular chores to do right away in the morning, but otherwise it’s just willy-nilly, whenever we have time to do this or that we do it, whenever we feel like doing something we do it, you know, typical summer laziness.  😛  We start school Aug. 9, and from now until next Saturday we will have no routines at all (family reunion week, and we’ll be staying with my dad).  I hate to jump right into a new routine with no “practice” time for a few days beforehand, but I don’t know what else to do about that.

    Even without routines, though, they still should be obeying immediately.  Does anyone have any suggestions?

    July 30, 2010 at 1:20 pm
    Sanveann
    Member

    It sounds like they are probably restless and stressed out, as I am sure all of you are! Maybe lots of outdoor time, if possible, will help them get in better control of themselves. I know my 3yo is pretty difficult after a few rainy days (or days where we otherwise can’t play outdoors). Getting lots of physical activitiy makes SUCH a difference!

    (FWIW, my oldest is the same age as your youngest, but we do “123 Magic” wth a lot of success! I am always very careful to follow through on any counting I do, though … even if I have to physically put their toys in their hand and put them in the toybox, they start putting them away when I start counting.)

    July 30, 2010 at 2:30 pm
    quietwatersmommy
    Member

    Sara- That is a stressful situation for adults and so much more for the children!

     

    Having moved partway across country (we had 2 children under  age 3 then), then 4 years later moving another 2,000 miles away (we had 3 children by this time), then moving several times within the area in the last 9 years (we have 5 children now, with a 6th due soon)…I can speak from experience. I agree that they should be obeying, but I have found there are times and seasons when you have to just show more “mercy”. When they get out of hand, try gathering them all together and just reading on the couch, drawing, playing a game or whatever you like to do as a family. You will relax and they will follow suit. Your calm presence will be their stability and replace routine for now.

    Children seem to feed off our anxiety but often can not express it any way but behaviorally.

    I’m sure others will have some good ideas for you.

    Nanci

    July 30, 2010 at 3:39 pm
    Linabean
    Participant

    I wish I had some advice for you!  However, I have been in this “boat” for the past year it seems!  We have not been in our own place since Oct. of last year and have just moved into our own place this July.  We have battled lack of routines, disrupted schedules to school and life, moved multiple times and have been without most of our own possesions for months on end.  We have also been dealing with Mom (me) being sick and “out of it” for months at a time.  I find that, now everything is starting to calm down, I am amazed that my kids are even still functioning!  God is so good to keep our family together and loving and close even through all of this “upset”!  I do know what you mean, though, about good behaviours seeming to “go out the window”.  All of the habits that I had been working on seemed to have been lost!  Kids (esspecially mine it seems) need routine and stucture.  When that is lacking, whether it is a legitimate reason or not, the kids seem to fall apart so to speak.  During one of the times that I was unable to walk and pretty much just lying in bed all the time, my 5 ds actually told me during a cuddle time, “I think we need to have rules again”!  Now, we did still have rules, I’m pretty sure he was trying to tell me that he noticed the lack of stucture and discipline and missed it.  Embarassed  I must say, I have a lot of work to do on my family in the next while to come and I am not exactly sure how to go about it!  I am reading “laying down the rails” now and will be discussing it with another CM mom in my area.  I’m hoping that between that and having regular “meetings” with my husband, things will start to improve in their behaviour.  I hope!  for now I will need to be diligent in prayer for creative, godly ideas on how to deal with things as well as ask for His help to keep me calm, patient and a godly, living example to my dc. 

      I don’t know if that helped you or not.  I didn’t really have any suggestions, did I?  But I hope you know that you are not alone in your situation.  If you come up with some sort of “breakthrough plan”…. PLEASE SHARE!  I will do the same for you, if I come across some sort of revelation, LOL!  In the immediate future, however, I will be praying for me and mine, and as I do that, I will pray for you and yours as well.

    Sorry if this is to long to bother reading! I tend to be a little long winded as times!

    July 30, 2010 at 10:19 pm
    amyjane
    Participant

    I read your post last night and I wanted to respond but needed to think about it first.  I don’t have practical advice for you but when I read this post almost immediately God spoke to my heart to encourage you in this. 

    Having lived or “landed” in 12 different homes in the last 7 years I can speak to transition with little ones.  Some of these have been seasons like you are in – with the grandparents surviving.  And what I want to encourage you is that this is a stressful time for you right now and it is no different for your children.  kids thrive in structure and routine but the truth is there are SEASONS of life that do not allow that. And these seasons require lots and lots of grace and mercy.  I want to challenge you to think about a few things that other wise women have shared with me in my seasons like this:

    1. Make sure that your rules are what is best for your children, not being invoked because of “pleasing others” – (ie – the grandparents or whomever you are staying with).  Of course we want to respect the homeowners but sometimes I have found myself putting pressure on myself for my kids to be little angels because others are watching me parent minute in and minute out.  The truth is in these setting I am stressed to the max and not at all an angel myself and I don’t want to expect my kids to be even if it means enduring the critisims of others. 

    2. Give them you everyday and make it a priority.  For us during these times, I am usually busy with the “business of our life” that they get all the leftoevers of me and they are starving for my UNDIVIDED attention.  But let the guilt go because this is a season of life and it does not define you as a mother.  So short quality with each child.

    3. Give them outlets everyday and make it a priority.  I think kids feel and feed their environments.  Have you ever noticed that at the most stressful moment the kids are wild and crazy and you just can’t “think”  They need a daily outlet for their energy.  For me that was a trip to the park or a mcdonalds play place – or other fun places when allowed.  but usually an hour or two a day helped.  Take them to a place they can be wild and free..  even if it is the backyard.

    4. Have a talk. Tell them you understand this is hard for them but that you know they can do this.  And it may mean that some of your normal rules may need to be set aside for this season.  That is for you to decided but we have had to do this.  But instill confidence in them that you know they can help the family by doing what is expected of them.  And give lots of praise when they do have good days.  And lots of love and grace when they don’t.  Even share with them – mommy had a hard day today and I need Jesus just like you do. 

    This may be totally irrelevant to your situation and if so I am sorry but these are the specific things God laid on my heart to share with you.  Give them lots of love and LOTS of grace and mercy and remember to everything there is a season and this season shall pass. 

    Hope it helps,

    Amy

    July 31, 2010 at 2:04 am
    Sara B.
    Participant

    Thanks for all your encouragement and wise words, ladies!  I really appreciate it.  I am sharing this thread with my husband so we can talk about it.  I have been so lost the last several months, and I never thought of showing mercy in this season of life, nor even thinking of it as a season.  And we are definitely more “pleasing others” with our rules than necessarily doing what works best for our family.  It’s so difficult with that, because my grandparents are quite elderly (IMO LOL) and are not in the best of health.  Frown  I think we may have to keep some of the rules just for their sakes and to keep their own sanity, but we will also talk with them about this and see if we can come up with a plan.

    Again, thank you all.  God knew what I needed to hear and understand, and you all have done an excellent job speaking from Him.

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