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Obedience and Habit Training
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Ladies I was looking for some help with obedience training. I have watched the Rails workshop and have been reading the book, but am not sure I am doing this correctly.
I have an almost four-year-old girl. I have started using a quiet, pleasant tone and expectant encouragement (i.e. “I know you can obey mommy.”) and usually she will, just very much on her own timetable — so much so, I don’t know that I would call it obedience at all.
As an example, I put her down for her nap (she knows she has to do quiet time if she doesn’t sleep). She came out of the room, to which I told her, “You need to go back to your room.” At this point she just stood there and looked at me. So as not to repeat myself, I pointed to the room and said, “What did mommy ask you to do?” More standing and looking. At this point I walked over towards her, took her by the shoulder and walked her to the room. Should I have done that? If not, what else should I have done?
She repeated this two more times and I repeated the same steps two more times. On the third time I repeated expectant encouragement and then when she refused to move I told her that if mommy had to help her to her room that I would spank her (not a big fan of spanking, but will do it if not in anger). So I waited. So she stood and stared at me. (yes, she is extremely stubborn) As I walked towards her she ran to her room, but I did give her a swat on the bottom when she had reached her bed. Much crying ensued, but believe it or not, we repeated the same thing again. She came out, request from mom, expectant encouragement, spanking, the whole thing. After that time she finally stayed in there long enough for me to declare quiet time over and allow her to come out.
This is just ONE example of many today. “Olivia please put the toy back on the shelf before we leave.” Stands and stares. “What did mommy ask you to do?” Stands and stares. “I know you can obey and do what is right.” Stares and the slowly moves to do what is asked. She is very much in control of these situations while I am barely holding on to my patience.
I would welcome any advice on how to do this more effectively.
Thanks,
Pam
Pam, I’ve not read through the entire Rails book-though I have high hopes, so take what I’m saying with a grain of salt, obviously. We inadvertently train our children when they really must obey. We are working to undo some of that around here, as a matter of fact.
If she understands what is expected of her and there is no reason to think that she may have forgotten or she is sick, then the first time she comes out of her room, there should be discipline. For us, that would be a spanking. We use spanking for direct disobedience (rebellion), and safety.
A couple of more creative ideas could be used, as well. She may be too young to understand that you are adding another 10 minutes to her quiet time, but you could have a ‘mommy button cup’ and a ‘sweet daughter button cup.’ Put 7 buttons in your cup and none in hers. For every time she stays in bed for her nap, she gets one of your buttons. You would reward her at the end of the week based on what you have decided upfront. We did this with our six year old a couple of months ago; she was getting up in the night. Amazing what a child can remember in the middle of the night-she was determined! We went for 100% obedience and she aced it the first week, we did it again for fun, and the problem has not come up again. Her reward was having a friend over to play.
The standing and staring sounds like she is really testing you. I’ve seen that stare in our own 4yo and it must be conquered because we want victory for our children. Their little hearts are worth the effort and sacrifice it takes to train them. I have prayed often through the years, and I pray for the moms on this board, that God would just make us that drink offering, constantly poured out on those he has called us to serve.
Blessings,
Cindy
Cindy,
Thanks for your response. I think you hit on a couple of good ideas. Yes, I do believe I am teaching her WHEN she has to obey. Good point. Something I knew, but had forgotten in the moment. I am also trying really hard to come up with some logical consequences. It really does take a rehaul of thinking and diligence on Mom’s part.
Pam
I was looking through posts under habits, specifically obedience, and came across this one from a month ago. We have an 8 year old who exhibits this same rebellious, stubborn attitude and have tried consequences such as ‘no play time with the neighbors’, ‘extra chores’, ‘no computer time’, etc. and we still seem to not be able to clear this hurdle. I recognise that my response is key to getting beyond this, but I’m having a hard time coming up with logical consequences that have immediate impact (when dad’s home, she gets a spanking-but given her age/physical size, this is no longer a great option for me during the week when dad’s not home to administer this type of discipline) Anyone have any words of wisdom?
Thanks,
mj
Does she obey your husband? Since, as you said, you do not feel a peace about using corporal punishment on her (and I won’t enter into that since it’s not my place to do so), I would just go for lots of consistency. We need to remember that these precious children are ours to train as long as they are with us. Just ask my 21yo! That and lots of prayer. Also, make sure that no matter what her action is, your reaction is a godly one. Go for the heart, MJ; lots of heart to heart talks when there is not a conflict. I ask my children, “So what’s it like to be you?” Study them to the point where you can pick up on what brings them joy and what may secretly hurt them.
I struggle with empathizing with my children. I’m quick to correct but slow to relate. “The fact is, yes, it was wrong to hit your brother, but I understand brothers can be a pain…”
Romans 1, giving thanks and honoring God in all situations. It’s okay to tell the Lord, I’m having a hard time with this, but I will choose to honor you by….and I’m thankful for… It may sound rote, but it is helpful for a child to get their thoughts in line (taking captive thoughts and making them obedient to Christ)
Psalm 16:6, The lines have fallen unto me in pleasant places; yea, I have a goodly heritage.” These verses are helpful in understanding that God is on his throne and everything that comes to us is first sifted through his loving hands for our good and his glory.
Also, I tend to want to hammer my point. I’m trying to remember when we get to a certain point and I see that we are not bearing fruit, to say, “Can we just agree to seek the mind of Christ on this together?” And then really do it, because it’s also easy for me to get past the struggle and then forget.
Blessings,
Cindy
Very well said, Cindy. Now that you mention it, her feelings have a lot to do with her level of obedience. I’m noticing her ‘obedience issues’ are 95% of the time directly related to an arguement going on with her brother. (This is an ongoing struggle that really causes a lot of tension for the rest of the family.) So after prayer and much seeking I believe our new family devotion time topic will be about conflict resolution–I think we’ll use The Peacemaker book.
Thanks for your input!!
mj
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