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Non motivated child?
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I need help. I have a 13yr old son who has never liked school. He is one of those struggling learners. Everything is hard (3 years to learn times tables). Memorization is difficult to say the least. He is 2nd in line and of course his typical older borther is a 1st born all the way. Then it comes this ds, and then my 3rd son is just like my 1st. So has passed him in some subjects and right on his tail in others.
If it is quiet, and he “wants” the help he is a hard worker. He does his work daily and keeps up. But if there is anything that really takes effort, like now learning Latin, he just doesn’t work at it. We have never done rewards for things because we try to mimic real life as much as possible in our home. But we are at a point where I don’t know what to do. The other thing is that we are doing Latin with all 3 of the above mentioned children and he again doesn’t feel adequet (sp?), like he just can’t do it.
I feel this might not make sence, but am hoping you can read between the lines with this. How would you continue with this type of son? do you back down and do rewards (either short daily ones or longer ones), do you ?? I don’t know. My dh and I have been pondering this now and praying but we are not feeling anything. Suggestion, comments or ask me more specific questions and I can try and answer. Also, I don’t want his character to always be like this. Never pushing himself to be better at anything. And he doesn’t. He gives up if it’s to hard. Thanks Misty
Okay Misty, I have an honest question – WHY do Latin if he struggles in other areas too? It seems to me like just one more area for him to struggle in, and one that is not essential/important enough to fight through. Imagine to yourself if most of the things you had to do every single day were difficult to do. You would become unmotivated too, especially when there are things your boss/mom is making you do that you can’t see the purpose of (latin!).
Yes, I realize there are benefits to studying Latin, I did three years of Latin and three of Spanish in high school. BUT in your son’s situation it is just adding weight to an already heavy load.
So what all is in his week/day for school? What areas does he like or is able to do without real struggles? What areas are left that he struggles with? How balanced is it between struggle and comfortable work? Yes, I know it may be that he struggles in almost everything, some kids do. If that is the case what about a time of focusing on one struggle to overcome it. For example a child who struggles with reading will then have a harder time doing nearly every other subject. Are there any struggle areas that in the big picture don’t matter and could be let go of, like Latin?
((HUGS)) I’m sure this isn’t easy for any of you. Let’s see what is on his plate both easy/doable and too hard and try to find a better balance!
I would try to find some area where he can excel and encourage him there as much as possible. Sports? Art? Help him find his niche. Boys can be so competitive and having both his younger and older brothers pass him would be very discouraging. I also agree that tailoring his education to his needs is important. I did latin with one of my sons and not the other for similar reasons.
He does all his independent studies in about 2 hours. He does math(MUS 1 lesson a day), Religion (reads a section and answers 2 questions a day finishing 1 lesson a week), Science (Apologia General-at his own pace about 2 weeks a lesson), Typing-no requirements other than practicing daily for 15 minuts, Grammar (using a computer program works on it daily 20 minutes-again about a lesson every 2 weeks this is very self paced), Geography (uses a workbook only scheduled 1 time a week), copywork/narration (daily).
Ok so that’s his daily independent time. He does well in religion, math is slow and we go slow, science he reads but by the end even with open book has a hard time understanding what the question is looking for in an answer, typing no issues, grammar not his favorite, but when we switched to this he seems to work hard at it, geography, again not a favorite but does it and does ok, copywork/narration done daily and don’t ever hear about this.
Why Latin – well because I am doing it with another family who also have 1 struggling learner and we felt that doing it with a group would motivate him and there son to push. Cause to be honest if I ever waited till he was ready he would never be ready for anything.
He is not a sports person. He does like to draw and his entire Christmas gifts was all about art. He is just a guy who doesn’t have any interestes and just when we think we’ve found one, one of his other boys joins in and they excel so he gives up.
Tristan – wanted you to know I didn’t take your comment to harsh. I get what you are saying. If this was just one of those things I would agree and back off. But with him, I’d always be backing down. I don’t expect 1/2 of what I have from his older brother in the same subjects.
Well have to run dh just popped home? Dad’s home early there goes our day
!I just say keep plucking away. Sometimes my son gets discouraged when his brother excels at things he loves. Maybe you can find something he is really good at. Like my other son is a great speller. I think excelled at that only because his brother couldn’t. LOL… Sometimes looking for that 1 strength is what makes them feel like they are better than anyone else. He just beams because he knows he is better at spelling.
Everyone says how beautiful my daughters eyes are. My one son has red hair that everyone was commenting on. I had to laugh when my other son said, ” What do I have?” He has beautiful eyes too but because he was being compared to his sister’s he didn’t notice. He has a wonderful personality. Something that isn’t always seen on the outside. So, you really have to dig to find his strength. Maybe all that drawling makes him a Artist type person. If he is better than the others have him draw out his lessons ect…
I know how you feel about the non-motivated type. Maybe that is just him though. I know middle children usually are very friend orientated. He maybe great at making friends and keeping them. Point that out. It may just be his personality type. It maybe his birth order. Or it could be his learning style. Those are other things to take into consideration. Maybe getting attention because it bothers you and you notice also could be a thought in this one. ?? You know him better than anyone else. You will have to read and observe.
I wouldn’t worry to much. He just has to pass High School. He doesn’t have to be a mechanical engineer. He may be older when he finishes all his studies. No one said he had to be 18 to graduate. I know someone who is almost 20 and still struggling to finish up. So, just keep plucking away trying your hardest to get him threw it.
IMA- Rewards for lessons that need to be done didn’t work. Then, they always expect something for doing something. Not because they should do it anyway. The reward for passing to the next grade should be enough. If he gets older he will get a pay check. His job may have a bonus program but most don’t. 🙂
If you still want to reward him make it a chart where if he does certain things in a months time he will get to pick an outing. Like going to a movie, sledding, Maybe something that doesn’t cost alot. If you must have a reward. Then, your other children will want in on this also. So, expect that at the end of the spring you take a camping trip if everyone gets all their work done by a certain date. Be prepared to follow threw though even if they don’t acheive it.
Have a blessed day!
For the science – a few ideas to help:
– Print the questions he’s trying to answer for him BEFORE he reads the chapter. Have him read them to get them in his head. Then have him begin reading with questions right beside him so if he finds an answer and notices he can write it down. Do the questions generally go in order by the reading in the chapter?
– Get the textbook on audio book so he can listen along. Maybe that would help? Then he could even listen to a chapter more than once during a 2 week period while he is in the chapter. I know some people learn better/remember more if they hear it, my husband is this way. For me I have to listen multiple times (reading works better for me).
Maybe someone else will have ideas for that one? I know we’re going to do that book next year with Makayla and it will be a big change for her compared to science now, but she’s also passionate about science so she’s excited.
Thank you Chocodog – that was inspiring. It reminded me that I need to encourage my children more not just this one but all of them. I am so quick to point out the errors in things and take for granted the good they do. I just did this with math with above mentioned son. I encouraged and smiled and it was great. Maybe it’s, NO it is partially me. I need to work on it and then maybe he will brighten up and shine also!
Tristan I did purchase the audio and thought the same thing with my son (BTW must have been posting at same time). He didn’t like it, took to long and thought it was silly. I could copy the page so he wouldn’t have to keep flipping around which might help. Great idea. They for the most part do go in order and he understands that part. Also, that most of the time the answers have to do with a bold typed word. It’s more I think the comprehension part I need to work on.
My thought on the science was that if he can;t answer the questions but is generally good at narrating, why not have him narrate his science too instead of doing the questions? Maybe the questions just don’t address what he got out of the passage. That doesn’t mean he got nothing from it.
Nebby
“We have never done rewards for things because we try to mimic real life as much as possible in our home.”
Just wanted to point out that in real life there ARE rewards for hard work. I know that you don’t want to fall into the trap of him thinking everything is worthy of a reward. But in the real world, hard work does pay off in recognition and promotion. And even in God’s kingdom, there are rewards for obedience.
Hugs to you – I am soaking in all this good advice as I have a ‘loosy goosy’ middle guy myself! Be encouraged! Not everyone has to be Type A to succeed!
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