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Non-Motivated 15yr old son
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We need help with our 15 yr (Dec. birthday) old son. He is not motivated to anything that doesn’t bring him a reward or isn’t for his good (in his opinion). I will give some examples: 1. We parked across the street of the chiropractor office Monday. As the kids where done getting adjusted (5 younger siblings) they were waiting to go the the car. The 15 yr old runs out the door and doesn’t take or assist with the younger ones, but leave them standing behind the door. 2. The kids rotate with cooking and this son will constantly on his day make comments on how he doesn’t like to cook and we, us the parents know that so why do we keep making him do it. 3. My husband is fixing the garden fence, taking the old one out and putting a new one in. He says to my 15 yr son he’s going to get started on this and my son says, “oh I forgot I have to make pizza crust for dinner tonight” and runs off. Just 3 examples from this week. (And it’s Wednesday)
This is a very typical thing: if there is work to be done he’s no where to be found. This has been going on so long we are going crazy. We have tried approaching him slowly about getting involved, we’ve asked what he’d be interested in doing (same answer all the time “I don’t know”), we’ve talked to him about his attitude and behavior and end up no better off then we were. Some times worse. He always feels like we don’t listen. We do listen, but it’s the same story all the time if it isn’t what he wants to do then he shouldn’t have to do it.
We are at our wits ends. Our 16 yr is not like that at all (the oldest), the 13 yr old (just younger than this 15 yr old son) is also not like this. The other ones are younger and willing to help and we feel for their ages do a good job. But this 15 yr old son has no motivation to help, participate or do anything for that matter.
I would love to hear your suggestions, comments or stories of how you turned an unmotivated child into a motivated one!
I feel your frustration. I have been there, and am there with various children often.
My first thought was that you as parents, and he have not figured out what motivation he needs to make himself do what he doesn’t want to do. This will vary with the situation. For my oldest, he needs deadlines and to pay a late fee.
For my middle son, his next meal is delayed until he finishes his task. Phrasing it in a positive way. “You are welcome to eat as soon as … is finished.”
Parental attitude is key. They need to feel like you are on their side…on the same team.
Loveandlogic.com has many helpful materials.
My oldest son says that a negative attitude from the parent is the most demotivating force ever. If the parent conveys the attitude or says that the child is lazy, etc. then he gets angry and stops trying.
“I see you are struggling with this, but I know that you can do it. ”
Choices are always a good idea, even if they are small. He may want to have ownership or leadership of an area. He probably genuinely doesn’t know what type of work he enjoys.
Keep in mind that we all have certain tasks that we are not motivated to do. Try not to make him feel like his character is flawed. He simply has struggles.
Please don’t think that we have this all figured out. It plays out a lot more imperfect and messily that you are imagining. We have learned mostly from our mistakes.
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