New Strategy

Well, I typed a whole response, but it appears to have disappeared…
Yes! Y’all clearly understood what I was trying to express 🙂 I wind up feeling like a crappy mom so often, like I’m failing my kids one way or another…if I’m trying to be relaxed and calm, I oftentimes wind up slacking, not requiring anything of them. If I’m focused on making sure they learn what they need to, develop good character & habits, I typically come across as annoyed, irritated, push too hard & truthfully, can be very critical. I know some of this is bc I’m struggling with my own negative feelings that stem from being unfairly judged & criticized, unsupported, etc.
Everything y’all said applies to me…when I get up before the kids, I do better. When I let go of my agenda, I do better. Also, distractions…the easy access to technology that allows one to “research” any thought, question, concern that may pop in one’s head. I get absorbed in my “thing” bc they’re playing nicely, working independently, etc for a moment, & I wind up irritated when they disrupt that (ridiculous I know).
The Sally Clarkson article…that is so true. I call it Pinterest Syndrome…seeing this “perfect” thing and 1) believing it’s realistic to have that, and 2) trying to recreate that and feeling like something is wrong when can’t. That pursuit of control, of perfection, of calm mornings sipping coffee on the porch of your beautifully decorated and clean home as the children speak politely to you, to one another, cooperate and seek to be helpful. Those things aren’t reality though…yes, they can happen but are usually just moments that are suddenly interrupted by a knock down drag out between the kids, the dog peeing on the floor, busy days that keep one from getting the house cleaned and healthy, from scratch meals on the table. Yet, despite realizing that real life means interruptions and some ugliness and chaos, I fight against it…bc Pinterest, bc Facebook, bc this need I feel for peace, for calm, for structure…for control. My life has felt so out-of-control for over 10 years starting with my ex walking out on us and to this day bc my new husband’s ex doing everything she can to cause problems, to exploit the difficulties of blending a family. I can get good ideas in my head for how to challenge the thoughts that lead me to be an irritable, unpleasant mom when the girls are being pains (cause sometimes they just are, lol!), but real life hits and that all goes out the window and I’m yelling, irritable, etc. This is why I think I need some room, some separation from the things that trigger me & not being the one responsible for ensuring they learn the 3Rs. Yet, I don’t want to give up homeschooling altogether bc I fully believe relationship issues don’t improve by just not being with each other thus reducing the opportunity to have those issues arise. So, my hope is to perhaps have morning basket type time and habit training time before and after the tutoring day with the neighbor that doesn’t feel so pressured bc I don’t need to worry they’re falling behind (not as much a concern of mine personally bc I see it as a marathon not a sprint, but being divorced from their father does change my ability to do it fully on my terms) while I stop to focus on what I think is ultimately more important than being at X place academically by X time.
So, what things would you include, how would you approach this morning basket and habit training time in a way that reduces the likelihood of clashes, triggering my perfectionistic/need to have this idealistic life experience, etc?

Yes, that is helpful 🙂

I don’t think it is any particular thing that feeds the idea of being able to have control, perfection, etc. It might be something as simple as watching, reading, listening to something that is meant to encourage, inspire, give ideas, etc but because people often leave out the struggles that occur in doing those things, it’s easy to hear that one can just do whatever is spoken of and get the result. Yet, nobody has my particular struggles (not meaning mine are necessarily unique or special on their own but that the combination I have is not likely the same as another person’s). For example, some children are more compliant or easy going while others are more strong-willed or high strung, yet someone will speak about how to handle certain behaviors making it sound simple- perhaps it was for them bc of their or their child’s personality or support they have, etc.- & I’ll think, “oh! This is how I can handle this issue!” The problem is that it’s not always that simple, but I get frustrated, feel helpless when these things don’t work because I want the best for my children like any other parent but feel unable to accomplish it…because of hormonal irritability, because of the stressors going on, etc. Being around other moms & kids, talking to them and hearing the reality of life…that helps me gain perspective. I think I just feel all this pressure to be perfect because of some things that have happened that send the message that I’m not allowed to be human, imperfect…so, while I know it’s not possible or realistic, my “failing” (yelling at the kids, making a decision to not worry about the children being “on grade level” & instead focusing on progress, not taking them to the doctor every time they’ve had a cough or tummy ache or whatever minor illness- I do take them to the doctor just not for every little thing that I know the doctor will say they’re fine or it’s viral & nothing to do for it or whatever-, not immediately hanging up the phone & running to greet them when they come home from being with someone else…you know all those things that are either not wrong or are just part of being human) winds up being used against me, criticized. Ultimately, it’s my fear that being imperfect will cause massive problems for me because the reality is there is a person in my life that has been allowed to take any little thing & blow it up into something it isn’t. I don’t have a choice about this person being in my life…by nature of the relationships I have chosen, there is no way to completely remove the person. It’s kind of like having a neighbor that’s out to cause problems & calls DFCS, police, etc. bc your children are playing outside during the day or the dog got out accidentally and used the bathroom in their yard…except in that scenario you could move.
I’m not meaning to discount what you’ve said about disengaging from things like FB, Pinterest or blogs if contribute to my irrational beliefs about life. I agree, and I do try to alter some of that because I see the impact. I was just trying to clarify that sometimes it’s not anything that is truly putting out a false ideal. Rather, it’s my hearing/seeing what may be very reasonable & realistic but failing to understand how my personality, my stressors, my reality might impact achieving that.

Me…that’s what it ultimately comes down to! I need to have space to get my fears under control. There’s little ability to have space when you’re home with children all the time and don’t have a spouse or others who are able to consistently provide space. For me, the hope is that putting them in the tutoring will be a way to allow that space while not having to let go of schooling (bc I don’t feel I can do this without it causing issues with others). I think if I can get myself better, I can come back to full-time homeschooling, character development, etc. in a much more productive, loving manner.

I think being able to internalize that idea given you by Tristan (that it takes longer than expected for children to grasp these things) is important. Of course I KNOW that is the case because the evidence is all around, & I KNOW child development, yet I struggle to internalize that into a belief system from which I operate; thus, the problem :-/ Obviously I’ve not been on top of habit training for quite some time, so there are LOTS of areas that need to be addressed. I need to figure out what one is least likely to trigger me when it isn’t going well, isn’t getting grasped as quickly as I’d like…until I can heal some of the things going on with me physically, emotionally & spiritually.

Thanks for the ideas & encouragement!