Name: CHEC Rocky Mountain Homeschool Conference
Start: 2025-06-12T00:00:00-05:00
End: 2025-06-14T23:59:59-05:00
Location: Denver, CO

Tagged: habit training

This topic has 14 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 1 month ago by Renee Gould.

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April 2, 2017 at 7:19 pm
elsnow6
Participant
Hi, I’m not really sure how to title this but looking for some ideas/feedback. I live across the street from another homeschool family, and the mother takes in other children for full-time “tutoring” (legally still homeschooled, but our state allows you to hire a “tutor). She has openings for next year, and I am considering putting my daughters (almost 11yo and almost 8yo) in. Due to a lot of stressors and some worsening attitude with my older daughter, I’ve been getting really burned out and am not accomplishing what I believe they need at this point (consistent structure and a reasonably pleasant & encouraging mother). So, I’m hoping that enrolling them with this other mom’s homeschool will give us some time to regroup. It’s only 5 hours a day, and they can come over at lunch break. That said, what I’d love to do is focus some of the hours before and after they go to “school” on building a more CM style homeschool day. My hope is to focus on things that help set a new tone for our relationship…one where I don’t feel all this pressure to ensure they accomplish “xyz” and then push that pressure on them. I believe a portion of this is because of the stress I’m under that cannot be changed at the moment, which is another reason I’m considering this set-up (thinking maybe just for the one year unless it just works really well)…to take some time to heal myself spiritually and emotionally. Because of my tendency to be very task and rule oriented, I get easily frustrated by all the “kid stuff” such as being off task, running around like they’ve lost their minds, standing right in front of a pile of things that need to be picked up & saying they’ve cleaned everything, telling me “hold on” or “in a minute” to everything, etc. You know…just being kids that have apparently not had enough required or not been well “habit trained”. Though I understand they must learn and develop good habits, I tend to be very impatient and my tone is none too calm or pleasant much of the time thus would love some ideas for very gentle habit training that perhaps removes me somewhat. I don’t know if that makes any sense…I know I have to guide and direct the habit training but things like me sitting in the room helping direct the cleaning (really only my youngest needs this bc she has major attention/focus issues, so I don’t do it with my older) winds up with me getting very annoyed because I’ve said, “pick up all your shoes and put where they belong” then “you have a pair of shoes right there. No right there. NO! RIGHT HERE!! Pick. Them. Up. And. Put. Them. In. Your. Shoe. Thing!!!” I know…not parenting that makes me proud, but I’m just being honest in order to help explain and get some good ideas. So, I’d love some ideas of what things to focus on that might accomplish all these goals. Sorry for the long post!
April 3, 2017 at 4:35 pm
Renee Gould
Participant
Elsnow6
This post hit home for me. I could have written it.:-) So, yay, two moms that go through the same thing )ha!   I too, seem to have little tolerance for ‘kid stuff’.
I have to admit, to my dismay, that I have really good weeks/months sometimes and then ultimately I end up where you state you are, again. It is disappointing but I keep on pulling myself up and trying again.
I will just give you some tips that help me. They may be of no use to you, but maybe some will resonate. Say goodbye to whining, complaining, and bad attitudes by Scott Turansky was an absolute lifesaver for me. I got the tip from this site, in dealing with children with bad behavior. I literally have used this book over and over and actually have it next to my bible and read it a bit everyday. For some reason (I believe due to my upbringing) I need to be reminded that my kids are human beings and deserve to be honored and respected. Something I believe I was not taught, in my totalitarian household.
I have found that getting up before the kids, working out, spending my time with God, getting showered and just being ready for our day really helps me remain calm and more flexible with them. (I was never a sloth, but I definitely was not prepared for my day consistently and I that never seems to work out well for me.)
Regarding habit training. I definitely do this and I think my biggest failure here is, I sometimes am not as thorough as I would like. However, when I am, I see a great improvement with my kids.
Just from reading your post, we sound a lot alike. I really think the book, Say Goodbye, would really help. Sadly, I think my household getting into chaos mode with attitudes, has to do with mostly me. When I apply the things I learned from that book, my house is a completely different environment. When I let go of my agenda, my household is much more calm, including me.
I have by no means perfected this, but I keep trying. I did not grow up this way, so I believe it takes more work for me. I feel like I ‘get it’ and that I am a big part of the problem. I just don’t have tools to keep it up consistenly; especially when I am tired, stressed, on my period, or just life plain gets hairy. (This is why working out, praying, showering and just getting more ready for my day seems more critical to me. Helps with my attitude.)
I am rambling here, but thanks for being honest. I definitely could relate.:-) Hopefully, something I said helps. It seems like you are taking steps to restore relationships and give yourself a break. Stress is a big factor in how we relate to our kids and learn with them.
PS…Maybe trying a new schedule where ‘xyz’ doesn’t become so daunting. This is one of the things I love about CM. Once I let go of the curriculum and all the boxes checked and started enjoying learning with my kids, things really changed.
Blessings,
Renee
April 3, 2017 at 8:23 pm
mrsmccardell
Participant
Mom #3 here!
So how do you let go of your agenda and still get stuff accomplished? Can you elaborate on the application (with chores or lessons).
thanks
April 3, 2017 at 9:37 pm
Renee Gould
Participant
Mrsmc;
Gosh, I wish I knew how to verbalize that. I will try. If I have carefully mapped out days and schedules, I find that things are tense, forced, not much joy, and plain miserable for all involved. When I let go a little (Which I think CM has helped me greatly with short lessons and laying out a feast) and don’t let the world run my schoolroom, life is simpler and more enjoyable.
I think for me, it was letting go of grades. Letting go of having them be at a certain level by a certain time. I am convinced, through the Holy Spirit, that they will learn all that is needed for them to do life. More importantly, I have learned to put less stress on academic and more on character building. Oddly, when you work on just having joy in your home, you learn so much more.
We still have a schedule and my children have chores. On most days, we get these accomplished. Some days they are smooth as pie (When I do my homework that I mention in my first response above, they most always go more smoothly.) and some are complete messes. I don’t know how to explain the ‘intangible’ feeling I get when I am letting God lead and grace instead of me. I guess, trusting that all will be okay regardless of doing 8 items on my checklist. If I can do less, with more grace, then so be it.
I don’t know if I made ANY sense here, but I think it is simply a paradigm shift. When we stop and think why our kids are here, for me, it isn’t to earn a certain GPA and go to college necessarily. It also isn’t for me to boss them around and turn them into little mini-mes.
That is what I meant by my agenda. I think we moms have so many goals and wants for our children, we forget to let them be children and just be in the moment and enjoy. I am a ‘get things done’ now kind of person, I don’t like clutter, if I have a major list of things to do; I am very short, if they don’t act like adults; I can get very upset. The list goes on. I am constantly humbled and corrected, when my agenda really doesn’t mean much. Certainly not enough to get the whole house in a twit and knock everybody down emotionally.
Ugh, I knew I wouldn’t explain this well. I just know the feeling of a really good day, which usually involves me letting go. Maybe a good way to say it is letting go of my personality and letting God lead. (My A type personality that wants things a certain way and them to act a certain way.)
SO hard!
Blessings,
Renee
April 3, 2017 at 11:46 pm
heatherma
Participant
I’m type A, part time recovering perfectionist, avid list maker…
Having kids is about God growing us up.
If you’re really really ready I for a change in atmosphere and parenting techniques, where your kids are thinking and working more than you are, then look into Love and Logic. Locking in the empathy, lots of love yet very firm, using natural consequences to do the teaching… We’ve taken it 5 times since our kids were tiny! Look for it hosted in churches near you or find audio or dvds. Books too. I didn’t grow up this way, same with CM methods, but wish I had. My Mom learned the techniques and used it with great success as a teacher.
Honestly, our best days are ones where I’m too tired or nauseous or off kilter to push hard thru the list. Where I ask God to help me, make me sensitive to the Holy Spirit. And do you know, by just surrendering my task orientedness, and simply doing the next thing,often thru the course of the day we’ve accomplished almost everything anyway, but in a way that they actually enjoyed learning and participating and not just to tick off items from the schedule.
(I also removed all times from the schedule. I’ve learned I cannot follow a guide or someone else’s plan,, for I always feel behind and revert back to pushing harder) . And if not, and all we did on a lesson day was read and enjoy one another or get outside or away to a park on one of the terrible days, well then, I have their hearts.
On self care, I need at least 2 of the 3 to stand on: hot food, shower, enough sleep. 2nd what above poster wrote on self care before the day. So Huge. And I take 3 to 5 Carlson lemon cod liver oil capsules on the days/week leading up to a period where I’m PMSing, really helps with irritability, mood swings, bloating, etc.
Prayers for wisdom for you. Hang in there momma!
April 4, 2017 at 12:04 am
heatherma
Participant
Ok funny thing, but maybe really perfect timing for us all….?
We can rest and find joy in our moments
http://sallyclarkson.com/blog/2017/4/2/control-of-life-is-a-false-hope-a-new-podcast
April 4, 2017 at 1:56 pm
elsnow6
Participant
Well, I typed a whole response, but it appears to have disappeared…
Yes! Y’all clearly understood what I was trying to express 🙂 I wind up feeling like a crappy mom so often, like I’m failing my kids one way or another…if I’m trying to be relaxed and calm, I oftentimes wind up slacking, not requiring anything of them. If I’m focused on making sure they learn what they need to, develop good character & habits, I typically come across as annoyed, irritated, push too hard & truthfully, can be very critical. I know some of this is bc I’m struggling with my own negative feelings that stem from being unfairly judged & criticized, unsupported, etc.
Everything y’all said applies to me…when I get up before the kids, I do better. When I let go of my agenda, I do better. Also, distractions…the easy access to technology that allows one to “research” any thought, question, concern that may pop in one’s head. I get absorbed in my “thing” bc they’re playing nicely, working independently, etc for a moment, & I wind up irritated when they disrupt that (ridiculous I know).
The Sally Clarkson article…that is so true. I call it Pinterest Syndrome…seeing this “perfect” thing and 1) believing it’s realistic to have that, and 2) trying to recreate that and feeling like something is wrong when can’t. That pursuit of control, of perfection, of calm mornings sipping coffee on the porch of your beautifully decorated and clean home as the children speak politely to you, to one another, cooperate and seek to be helpful. Those things aren’t reality though…yes, they can happen but are usually just moments that are suddenly interrupted by a knock down drag out between the kids, the dog peeing on the floor, busy days that keep one from getting the house cleaned and healthy, from scratch meals on the table. Yet, despite realizing that real life means interruptions and some ugliness and chaos, I fight against it…bc Pinterest, bc Facebook, bc this need I feel for peace, for calm, for structure…for control. My life has felt so out-of-control for over 10 years starting with my ex walking out on us and to this day bc my new husband’s ex doing everything she can to cause problems, to exploit the difficulties of blending a family. I can get good ideas in my head for how to challenge the thoughts that lead me to be an irritable, unpleasant mom when the girls are being pains (cause sometimes they just are, lol!), but real life hits and that all goes out the window and I’m yelling, irritable, etc. This is why I think I need some room, some separation from the things that trigger me & not being the one responsible for ensuring they learn the 3Rs. Yet, I don’t want to give up homeschooling altogether bc I fully believe relationship issues don’t improve by just not being with each other thus reducing the opportunity to have those issues arise. So, my hope is to perhaps have morning basket type time and habit training time before and after the tutoring day with the neighbor that doesn’t feel so pressured bc I don’t need to worry they’re falling behind (not as much a concern of mine personally bc I see it as a marathon not a sprint, but being divorced from their father does change my ability to do it fully on my terms) while I stop to focus on what I think is ultimately more important than being at X place academically by X time.
So, what things would you include, how would you approach this morning basket and habit training time in a way that reduces the likelihood of clashes, triggering my perfectionistic/need to have this idealistic life experience, etc?
April 5, 2017 at 8:11 pm
mrsmccardell
Participant
elsnow6 – I couldn’t agree more with your recent response. It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one who struggles with these ideas.
I think the tutor thing sounds great except for the fact that some of the school lessons you’re outsourcing help create the opportunity for character development/habit training…for you and them!
Can I ask what you are doing to allow these false realities to take place? Are you on Pinterest? Are you on blogs? If yes, and you feel bad about your family then remove them from your reading list. Even if they offer 1 bit of good, if you don’t “like” your situation afterwards then it’s not worth it.
Habit training – is there one area in particular that needs to be addressed? Start small and build on from there. Tristan helped me to realize that it may take a child much longer than we expect to fully grasp a chore/habit, etc. Stick with them until they can do it on their own (even if you think they should have it down by then).
Morning basket – we love starting with a song/hymn. Poetry, Bible, History read-aloud, literature read-aloud, math games, recitation, picture study.
Does that help?
April 6, 2017 at 7:04 pm
elsnow6
Participant
Yes, that is helpful 🙂
I don’t think it is any particular thing that feeds the idea of being able to have control, perfection, etc. It might be something as simple as watching, reading, listening to something that is meant to encourage, inspire, give ideas, etc but because people often leave out the struggles that occur in doing those things, it’s easy to hear that one can just do whatever is spoken of and get the result. Yet, nobody has my particular struggles (not meaning mine are necessarily unique or special on their own but that the combination I have is not likely the same as another person’s). For example, some children are more compliant or easy going while others are more strong-willed or high strung, yet someone will speak about how to handle certain behaviors making it sound simple- perhaps it was for them bc of their or their child’s personality or support they have, etc.- & I’ll think, “oh! This is how I can handle this issue!” The problem is that it’s not always that simple, but I get frustrated, feel helpless when these things don’t work because I want the best for my children like any other parent but feel unable to accomplish it…because of hormonal irritability, because of the stressors going on, etc. Being around other moms & kids, talking to them and hearing the reality of life…that helps me gain perspective. I think I just feel all this pressure to be perfect because of some things that have happened that send the message that I’m not allowed to be human, imperfect…so, while I know it’s not possible or realistic, my “failing” (yelling at the kids, making a decision to not worry about the children being “on grade level” & instead focusing on progress, not taking them to the doctor every time they’ve had a cough or tummy ache or whatever minor illness- I do take them to the doctor just not for every little thing that I know the doctor will say they’re fine or it’s viral & nothing to do for it or whatever-, not immediately hanging up the phone & running to greet them when they come home from being with someone else…you know all those things that are either not wrong or are just part of being human) winds up being used against me, criticized. Ultimately, it’s my fear that being imperfect will cause massive problems for me because the reality is there is a person in my life that has been allowed to take any little thing & blow it up into something it isn’t. I don’t have a choice about this person being in my life…by nature of the relationships I have chosen, there is no way to completely remove the person. It’s kind of like having a neighbor that’s out to cause problems & calls DFCS, police, etc. bc your children are playing outside during the day or the dog got out accidentally and used the bathroom in their yard…except in that scenario you could move.
I’m not meaning to discount what you’ve said about disengaging from things like FB, Pinterest or blogs if contribute to my irrational beliefs about life. I agree, and I do try to alter some of that because I see the impact. I was just trying to clarify that sometimes it’s not anything that is truly putting out a false ideal. Rather, it’s my hearing/seeing what may be very reasonable & realistic but failing to understand how my personality, my stressors, my reality might impact achieving that.
Me…that’s what it ultimately comes down to! I need to have space to get my fears under control. There’s little ability to have space when you’re home with children all the time and don’t have a spouse or others who are able to consistently provide space. For me, the hope is that putting them in the tutoring will be a way to allow that space while not having to let go of schooling (bc I don’t feel I can do this without it causing issues with others). I think if I can get myself better, I can come back to full-time homeschooling, character development, etc. in a much more productive, loving manner.
I think being able to internalize that idea given you by Tristan (that it takes longer than expected for children to grasp these things) is important. Of course I KNOW that is the case because the evidence is all around, & I KNOW child development, yet I struggle to internalize that into a belief system from which I operate; thus, the problem :-/ Obviously I’ve not been on top of habit training for quite some time, so there are LOTS of areas that need to be addressed. I need to figure out what one is least likely to trigger me when it isn’t going well, isn’t getting grasped as quickly as I’d like…until I can heal some of the things going on with me physically, emotionally & spiritually.
Thanks for the ideas & encouragement!
April 6, 2017 at 7:42 pm
mrsmccardell
Participant
I can be completely wrong with this so please disregard if this does not apply to you. My concern with the tutoring is that you may be setting yourself up for failure. It sounds like something I would do but only in hindsight would I see it. The thought process of, ” when this happens then I’ll be okay.” or “when the kids get to grade level then I won’t stress.” or “after tutoring then I’ll fill-in-the-blank.” But when you see that maybe this ugliness is just going to be a forever type of life what happens then? I’m experiencing it myself right now and truly trying to embrace the ugliness and let it stretch me. But maybe that won’t happen at all and you’ll heal/fill-in-the-blank and all will be well.
April 6, 2017 at 9:19 pm
Renee Gould
Participant
Elsnow6
When I read your additional shares, the one thing that keeps ringing in my heart is, ……………Christ.   Please don’t take offense to this. I am not sure where your relationship with Him is but with all the stressors you have going on, I believe you need to start with Him. Leaning on Him, diving into the word to see what He would have you do, (Not pintrist, FB or blogs for that matter.) maybe fasting, praying etc… Anything you can do to find peace and have His will be your guide.
I feel, deeply, that you need to release all this pressure, anxiety, inadequacy, doubt, the bad relationship you are entangled in, (I believe there is always a way out; simply put, there is always a path to take that relieves us of darkness and unhealthy patterns. Always!) and just general chaos. The only way to do this, is through the grace of your savior.
I still feel strongly that Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes would be great for you. It is not a book about what you think. There aren’t a bunch of how tos  (I took Love and Logic too, and it is more of a strategy. I found it okay and I use some of the tools, but I don’t think it is all inclusive like this book.) but I believe it is the key to any good family or household. It has to do with Christ and Honor. It is much more than a discipline or strategy, it is how to raise a God honoring family with everyone treating each other with value. Amazing book! It is more about foundational and core implementations and obviously very bible/Christ centered.
Anyway, I am not sure what is right for you. But, I am sure that God can help you with this. I don’t know why I keep thinking fasting would be great for you. Fasting and hearing what God has to say to you without all the ‘noise’ that seems to go on in your mind and environment.
When my life seems chaotic, the only way to find center is through my relationship with God.
I think if you start there, you will be destined for success!
Blessings and big HUGS!
Renee

April 8, 2017 at 9:51 am
elsnow6
Participant
I’m on my phone, so forgive me if anything comes across short.
Mrsmccardell,I agree that I too have to be careful of making a decision to do the tutoring based on the “when this happens…” thinking. I’ve been guilty of that more than once and this is connected to what I was speaking of in regards to Pinterest, FB, blogs, etc…that idea that this idea I’ve seen/read/heard will solve the issue. Like I said, the things on these sites, podcasts, etc aren’t necessarily presenting a false reality though perhaps incomplete. The thing is…I’m more than aware of how incomplete the pictures are bc I see the other side of things in my job (I’m a professional counselor…try not to laugh at that, lol!), yet I manage to fall prey to the picture too often. Yes, accepting that the “ugliness” could just be my life is very hard for me and part of what I mean about healing…very little in my life in the last decade has been what I had expected, dreamt of, hoped for.
Renee, I think this is where what you said comes in. I do have a relationship with Christ, but I’m definitely struggling. When my ex left, I got caught up in a marriage restoration ministry that had many people coming from a different theological stance that left me thinking that I was the one that could bring about things by just praying a certain way, having “enough faith” (as if it is something I can just choose the amount by willing it rather than something given me),etc. I’ve been fighting to recover from these un-truths…when everything I prayed for would not happen or would look like it was happening then go the completely opposite way despite my having “enough faith”, I began to get angry with God bc there was this thought that I needed to have something (faith, persistence, etc) that I simply could not muster, and, in my mind, He wasn’t helping me to have what I needed to have my prayers answered. If that makes any sense. While I’ve recovered a great deal from this thinking, there are times it rears it’s head. I still struggle to put forth the effort to read, to study, to pray bc I saw so little “benefit”. Again, I know this is distorted thinking and try to challenge it and push forward in doing these things bc it honors Him, bc it’s instructed or commanded…it’s just hard.
So, yes, you are both very correct in what you say. The tutoring is just my way of gaining space bc right now, I’m so easily triggered (especially last part of my cycle) that I am often unable to put into practice the very things I know I need to do to handle a situation appropriately. For ex., I know not engaging when my oldest starts in with her temper tantrums (for lack of a better word) & letting it fizzle out on its own then issuing the consequence, talking about it is the most appropriate and effective course of action in parenting her. I believe God has shown me this many times, yet I will, more times than not, be fully engaged in having my own temper tantrum (lecturing, threatening consequences, yelling) right back before it even occurs to me this is not the way to handle it. My reserves are so depleted, and the only way I know to replenish them is to have space for the things mentioned (reading the Word, praying, exercising, etc). I’ve tried getting up before the kids and it’s occasionally feasible; however, without depriving myself of sleep or not spending the little bit of time my husband & I have together (he’s looking to change jobs but works 7:30pm-8am on a 5 on,2 off,2 on 5 off schedule meaning he winds up awake shortly before I’m getting kids to be & ready to crash), I cannot manage to do this. I’ve tried setting aside “quiet time” for the girls & I but not been very successful. All of these attempts to implement “solutions” that fail for one reason or another (many times probably due to my own lack of discipline) winds up reinforcing the feeling of helplessness then getting angry at God bc it SEEMS He doesn’t want to help me. I’m aware of how messed up the thinking is, but I just feel stuck in this cycle and like I need something to help me break it.
I take no offense to anything y’all have said…though it’s not my ideal, Pinterest perfect solution 😉 I greatly appreciate the thoughts, feedback, and concern.
April 10, 2017 at 10:40 am
Angelina
Participant
Hi ladies,
I just wanted to say a big thank you to all of you for the pouring out of your hearts, for the beautiful and supportive advice, and all the rest. I’m sure I am not the only one here reading your posts and just feeling less alone knowing that others have the same struggles and tough days – and just keep on working and praying to make things better one day at a time. Reading your posts I have been nodding, empathizing, learning and feeling supported – thank you.
Please know that even when there are just a handful of moms participating in a discussion like this, there are countless others whom you are supporting and encouraging through your dialogue and all of your beautifully written responses. Renee, stop being hard on yourself – you are never rambling!   I am actually going to copy down some of your special words to help me keep perspective on the tough days.
Thank you to ALL, and with prayers for the peace of Christ during every challenging parenting and homeschooling moment,
Angie
April 10, 2017 at 9:16 pm
elsnow6
Participant
Angie,
I agree! This discussion forum has always had the most gracious women. It’s the one “place” I know I can go for godly feedback, encouragement and even some correction 😉
April 11, 2017 at 9:21 pm
Renee Gould
Participant
Angelina…
You are sweet and I agree about reading posts that I don’t necessarily respond to. I read way more than I post and there are so many lovely ladies here.
I have gleaned so much from so many. They are a gift to my homeschooling journey.
🙂
Blessings,
Renee