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Needing more socialization
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I have a 10 yr old boy. He goes to a co-op once a week in September through November and January through April. He does have a few kids in the neighborhood to play with but not a lot. He is my only child and I get him out as much as possible, but with work and other obligations, it is hard. He desperately wants someone to play with everyday. He is a very, very social person. I can’t provide the socialization that he seems to need. I don’t know that I am really looking for answers as much as I need encouragement. Thanks!
I would just say dont sweat it. God put him in your family as an only child and led you to homeschool him. Since the Lord knows what he truly needs, what he has must be enough. Its easy to think they need more friends and activities because that is how our culture thinks, but that is not always the case. Pray the Lord will show you what he needs and then give you peace about it.
Are there any local homeschool play groups or nature study groups? What about Boy Scouts or classes–dance, art, ASL? Does the library have any activities for his age group?
YMCA or homeschool sports? With all that extra energy, he needs a place to exert it, beyond chores.
I understand. Sometimes our family environments require that we make an extra effort to secure a more social/interactive child to attain the interaction that he/she needs to thrive. Without it, they can turn it inward in a destructive way and resent homeschooling, acting out and behaving poorly with family, especially mom.
Don’t panic, just be proactive and pray for the right fit.
Secure a sports team or artistic pursuit now, with an environment that supports yours as much as possible.
Thanks for the responses. My son does take guitar lessons, swimming and tennis lessons. As a single, working parent (I adopted my son when he was a baby from Russia), I do as much as I can but quite frankly, can’t do anymore than what I do now. Unfortunately, with a child who is ADHD, Sensory Seeking and very OCD at times, it seems he never reaches a point of “saturation” with interaction with kids, never gets physically exhausted, etc. My mom lives with me and helps to the extent that she is able but it really is a problem of it never seeming to be enough for my son. I really appreciate the input and prayers!
My eldest son is exactly the same way. Unfortunately we do not live in a neighborhood, so there isn’t other kids around but our own. However we lived in neighborhoods before and the kids would never play just fight all the time even physics not just verbal. He was so desperate to play he would go out there anyway knowing he would get beat up even when I tad him no. That’s why we moved out of neighborhoods. We just started to homeschool him in January of last year. We do a co-op Mondays, Tuesday is community bible study Nd baseball wed is gym n swim at the y Thursday is boy scouts Friday is play group at the library and Sunday is church. After all these things he will still cry and beg for “more people” everyday for a friend to come over or for him to go there. It’s never enough. He’s OCD and ADHD. My daughter isn’t this way she is just fine with our activities or none. With a friend once a week or less. She is content. He is never ever content or happy and makes it well known to everyone how he isn’t. But in public school he was the exact same way. So it’s not a homeschool issue. I wish I had advise for you. I do not. I need it myself too. I just didn’t want you to feel alone!
That’s quite a bit, more than I knew, so that alters the conversation.
Are the swimming lessons and tennis lessons just him and an adult? I know guitar is. With swimming, there may be other kids there, but how much interaction is there? That’s potentially 3 that aren’t social avenues and already financially demanding and time consuming. You can’t do anymore. Perhaps, do less, or at least combine guitar with group sports.
It might be wise to drop 1 or 2 of the individual sports for a group sport instead like baseball, football, soccer. There’s also dance.
Also, there are musical instruments with more physicality, like drums. My husband was a drummer and a football player for the same reasons: needing the physical output. Just an idea, may not be doable, more expensive. Of course if he’s like Eddie Van Halen (jumping, running around) or the guitarists from The Who (famous for swinging their guitars around, smashing amps), then it can be quite exhausting!
On the practical side, there’s also woodworking, and eventually other hands-on building and creative arts which will be more useful in adulthood than sports. Also, cheaper physical options like hiking, climbing at parks or track, basketball.
Get him books teaching laborious and creative manly skills. He could learn to be quite handywith cars and around the house. This extra energy could be a blessing, like with Ben Franklin: you get a lot done in your life if it’s directed. He could pick a project, you get a few items to get him started, then he buys the rest with money doing odd jobs for you and neighbors; especially, the old and/or disabled.
I know he’ll really wear you out if you le him, and he doesn’t understand tbe value of money, and you want him to, so keep that in mind. You must protect yourself and teach him skills, too. Perhaps enlist the help of a parent or coach to pick him up for one of these? Preferably male. Speaking as one whose husband is disabled on several fronts, not able to do anything.
I’m assuming he rides his bike? Hopefully daily. He only needs a few kids, not a lot, to arrange outside games. If they don’t know any, check out a book on classic ones. Before kids were catered to, there were hyper ones; they played outside games and ran, rode bikes, and built stuff.
As soon as he’s old enough, he’ll be able to get a job; it’s 14 in my state. Of course, he can work without pay earlier. If there’s a farm nearby, that’s good physical labor. Make sure he does all the physical labor needed for you and grandma.
Most of all, work on gratitude, contentment, serving others, the value of things, and the ability to find ways to meet his own needs with creative thinking. Video-gaming could be very dangerous for him. If you provide him with all the means of output 1) he still won’t be satisfied and 2) he won’t learn to come up with his own ideas, depending too much on you. That dependence makes YOU responsible for making him happy, for which you’re NOT responsible. When I was bored as a kid, my mom just said it wasn’t her problem. Being bored was a lack of creative thinking on my part. She wouldn’t take the guilt-trip bait, and eventually I stopped whining and found something to do. Moms and grandmothers aren’t children’s servants. It’s very unhealthy for all kids, but particularly males about the women in their lives.
Possibly, too many outside, arranged sports, over time, could make him less inclined to learn practical, time-consuming, energy-requiring skills.
Rachel – thank you for the response. This is what I needed to hear! God knew what I needed and He spoke through you. Thank you!
Wow, Rachel has some great ideas! I am going to just offer a suggestion in regards to swimming.
I would suggest that at 10, ditch the swim lessons and find a good swim club/team, if available, near you. As a mom of highly competitive swimmers, I can tell you that a good swim club is a wonderful experience for you and your child. Some of the benefits include: can wear out the most active of children; has built-in activities with peers and parents, giving a lot of opportunities for interaction, including community service opportunities; are like a family–you get support from other parents, and your child gets great instruction and good role models in the coaches and the older swimmers.
Swimming is a team sport, and a good club can be very enriching to a young person’s life as well as yours.
Our club really enhances the character building we have begun in our home, and competitive swimming itself has taught our children things we never could, things that carry over to life and the home-school classroom. Because we focus on just family, church, and swimming, our lives have a lot less stress and three wonderful outlets for interaction, encouragement, and training. So, don’t quit swimming–just find a good club! 🙂
rhondajennings68: that’s very sweet and encouraging of you, thank you. I’m glad anything I said was also an encouragement to you!
connelyhomeschool is absolutely correct! I can’t believe I didn’t think of swim team. That’s a wonderful idea. Less physically harmful than football and maybe less expensive overall than many other sporting choices; plus he already has an interest in it, which helps, too.
She’s also right on target with simplification. If you narrow it down to just one or two things, it may benefit in several areas: financially, from car costs (gas, wear ‘n tear on car from travelling so often), less eating out, more at home; wear n’ tear on you and grandma (and ride help/shares with other parents/coach); more mental calm; the ability for him to put more concentration into fewer things, instead of being so spread out, doing much, but not excelling versus doing less and performing better (easier to work “as unto the L-rd”) at those fewer things. Hope that makes sense.
I reread where you said your son was adopted. Ensure that ya’ll’s attachment stays healthy, whatever you do, despite his being so young when you brought him home. My husband and I lost our adopted dd this year due to mental illness, including RAD; and a mental illness and governmental system that’s broken and biased against a family like ours. She was 3 when she came to us, but the attachment disorder was already in her. But her experiences were more traumatic and unstable than your sons; I am glad for you, and him, that that is the case.
Rachel, I am so sorry. I would love to communicate more. Can you email me? rhonda@rhondajennings.com
Our oldest is highly sociable. When we started homeschooling him in 7th grade we also allowed him to join the local public school’s football team. Now he is in 11th grade and in great physical shape. I think he is more content in his time with his family because he has this outlet. Also, because he is being fed spiritually at home I believe that he is better equipped to handle the locker room conversations and discern how to spend his social time. This has been our experience.
Also, I have found that inviting kids over for the day to play or having a party is a good way for my kids to enjoy and develop friendships. Sometimes we have to be the ones to reach out. However, with that said, a “Friend Day” doesn’t need to happen constantly. Appreciating that Mom put effort into having kids over every once in a while may build contentment better than continually trying to fill the calendar with get-togethers.
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