need real help with 9 yro son

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  • November 9, 2009 at 12:52 pm
    Rachel White
    Participant

    My husband and I are completely frustrated! Our son, a 9 yr. old who is very smart, inquisitive and verbal. He loves the L-rd. He reads his Bible everyday, etc. However, he is soooooo slow and easily distrated with the questions, ideas and conversations in his head (those conversations he wants to have with us/sister). He mixes playing and working, even at age 9 (his sister does too so it’s not a good combo when cleaning the chicken house). He loves to enjoy life, for example noticing G-d’s Creation around him. But he is so slow. On top of that, even after giving him a chore chart, he seems to be intentionally avoiding looking at it! It’s taking him 1 1/2-2 hours in the morning to get his things done. His behavior lately reflects a desire to do things only as he wants to do them. We have been spanking him, adding extra chores, skipping supper because he didn’t do his room (reading instead), reasoned with him (explaining that he can do what he wants after he does what his duty is). The amt. of time he is wasting is phenominal; the distraction of his desire to talk (my husband is very much the same) and the rabbit trails of ideasthoughts his brain goes on is always an issue.

    From you older moms, is this normal for a 9 yr. old boy???

    We’ve done timers (sometimes works, sometimes not); I gave them the charts to teach personal responsibility, without having to nag. But then they (my dd a little of this, but she moves fast) won’t look at them!! He’s been punished for obstinance, denied privilaegees for not being on time…

    We are out of ideas; well not completely, but it is up to my son to move himself, not mine or my husband’s job to constantly call him to move; I’m always telling him to move!

    I know there are some things in the home that aren’t helpful to him changing these things, but that is the case in life. The more I’ve been making things require his personal responsibility, the slower he’s getting! He literally MEANDERS everywhere (well when he’s supposed to do something) and stops moving at times to look or think, or whatever!

    To sum up-he needs to get faster, stop talking (control his mouth, which he has no example from dad), stop playing when he should be working. I should say, he’s always been slowand wandersslowly through life, but it’s gotten really bad with these new expectations. He’s always had chores, just never as organized as now.

    Any thoughts?

    Very exasperated,

     

    November 9, 2009 at 11:11 pm
    jaimiep
    Member

    Hi,

    I would take a look at his meals.  I have 12 and 8 year old boys.  If I don’t give them proper nutrition they forget something I told them 5 seconds earlier.  I feed them whole grains, no white bread, rice or flour.  I sweeten only with stevia, which is from a plant.  We eat a lot of fruit and vegetables.  It has made a huge difference since I cut out the sugar and starch.

    Just a suggestion!  Hope it helps.

    Jaimie

    November 9, 2009 at 11:29 pm
    Rachel White
    Participant

    Hi Jamie,

    Thank you for responding and I completely agree. I wish that was it; the only thing he would be lacking is Cod Liver Oil and maybe some B vits. I cook everything from scratch, flake and grind our whole grains, bake bread (soaked in homemade kefir and buttermilk overnight), make stock, eat grass-fed animals; he eats coconut chips and I put coconut oil and ‘real’ milk/butter, homemade unsweetened yogurt from ‘real’ milk and sweeten with Maple syrup and raw honey, eating seasonal produce, etc…

    I was in a lot of prayer this morning and got out my Doorpost’s copy of For Instructions in Righteousness. I was really convicted on the sin of laziness, which I really think I’m dealing with and dishonoring your parents, as in the 5th Commandment. The section in that book lead me to the various Scriptures dealing with it. So I gave him two to meditate on this morning. Plus, I was much more in ‘follow-up’ mode today. I just can’t let him grow up into a man that behaves this way! Plus, he will be looking for Scriptures on Honor and discipline.

    I think I may ‘tomato-stake’ him for a while; he wore a timer around his neck this morning which helped (plus I told him I would spank him for every 10 minutes that he didn’t finish, so he finished). I set down some 2 rules: no talking at all during chore time (I have to keep on top of this one diligently) and his sister can’t talk to him during that same time.

    I’m open to ideas…

    Rachel

    November 10, 2009 at 1:35 am
    missingtheshire
    Member

    Have you read the ebook Laying Down the Rails, by Sonya, available on this site?  It is an invaluable resource about nurturing good habits, it would probably have wonderful ideas on how to best deal with your son, I read it and it is truly an excellent book, filled with great ideas, that are infinitely helpful.  If you have not read it, have a look at the sample chapter on the home page of this site – it could help you work wonders with your boy, without having to battle everyday – homeschooling the CM way should at its best be fun and a gentle form of educating our precious children.  Discipline is of course necessary, but taking one bad habit at a time and working slowly on that (habits take a while to take hold) works wonderfully well, without the stress you seem to be experiencing.  I encourage you not to try and fix everything you see wrong at once, pick the one thing you think is the worst, and work gently and slowly on that habit.  Anyway, do look at Sonya’s ebook – it is a gem.  Good luck.

    November 10, 2009 at 4:49 am
    JenKeithley
    Member

    First, I can totally feel your frustration. I have a dreamer. He, too meanders through life. Here are some things I’ve found extremely helpful.

    1) A book… The Edison Trait… it really lays out the problems and the benifits of non-linear thinkers. The author examines some of the characteristics of Thomas Edison and other brilliant thinkers and how they don’t fit or do things the way other people do. I really appreaciated learning that part of my ds’s “issues” were actually exquisitely crafted from the Lord and part of them needed to be honed and shaped so that he can function/be respectful/honorable in the rest of society.

    2) This one may sound a bit odd, but I’ve found great insight into each of my children through this personality assessment… http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/. This test, unlike most of the others I’ve taken focusses on the inward motivation of the person, not the outward personality traits. So it isn’t that he’s wandering through his day… what motivates him to do that? There might be some really great reason he’s needing to connect at such a high level of talkativeness. I had been struggling with another son who avoided anything that wasn’t “fun.” You can guess how well school went over with him! 🙂 Anyway, after reading through his personality, I finally understood a little more of what made him tick. Does he still have to do school? Sure! But am I frustrated and convinced he’s trying to thwart my every move? Nah! I just take into account the way God made him and try to encourage and motivate him using those means.

    The other thing I’ve found with my boys is to have their dad call them to step up and be men. Then I try to respect them and treat them like men. It doesn’t always work, but it has taken away a great deal of my frustration. I hope some of this rambling helped. 🙂

    November 10, 2009 at 4:50 am
    JenKeithley
    Member

    BTW, I totally second the use of Sonya’s book! It helped me with the idea of getting the children on your side and convincing their will that they should want to change, not me imposing it on them.

    I hope that made sense. I’m WAY too tired. 🙂

    November 11, 2009 at 8:58 am
    Rachel White
    Participant

    I do have Sonya’s book; we are in the same CM group here in Ga. and have been studying it this year. I do like it and value what it has to offer. I actually used it alongside the Doorposts and brought it out again alongside yesterday.

    I’m a little on my own with using it as my husband is not convinced of CM’s habit training, though he’s gotten better with, but I still am pretty much on my own with her style of habit training. He supports the HSl’ing philosophy, but he’s not ‘sold’ on the habits book; I’m afraid his own impulsivities would be a negative in that area anyway. Like I said though, he’s better than he used to be. And I definitely get his encouragement to my son regarding ‘manhood’.

    I’ll just keep plugging along, being diligent, and I’ll definitely check out that site. Along the point of will, that’s exactly what I’ve talked to my son about; that I alone cannot make this happen and that he and I needed his own desire/will to make better choices, etc…

    Thank you,

    Rachel

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