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Natural consequences for misbehavior
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I know that CM advocates for natural consequences for misbehavior but I’m having trouble coming up with ideas. For example, what’s a natural consequence for talking back? For dawdling (when there isn’t any activity to miss out on anytime soon)? For simply refusing to do what is asked? Any help would be appreciated!
I did just download Laying Down the Rails and I really like the concept…but I am in great need of specific help.
Thanks!
Natural consequences can be tough. There are times that I am racking my brain trying to figure out what to do.
Sometimes I have to revert to a time-out to remove her from my attention. I’m having trouble thinking of some of the consequences that we use, but all that you mentioned essentially go back to obedience. We recently went through a rough stage of disobedience with our 5 year old dd. We cracked down and never let it slip. Do what we say now and don’t ask questions (within reason of course). We didn’t allow talking back, whining, etc. If there was any push back, I would often say something to the effect that it isn’t acceptable. You need to do this now. It has been such a big help. I have had several instances recently where I told her we couldn’t do something at that moment and we would talk about it later. She could have caused a big scene, but didn’t. We talked later and found a solution that was acceptable to both of us. (One was that I wasn’t opposed to buying her the school item that she wanted, but I knew we could find a better price on it elsewhere but didn’t want to say that in front of the vendor.) My mom visisted from out of town recently. She noticed also and asked what we were doing differently.Another instance we had recently was lying. She has never been one to lie so I’m not sure why she thought she could now. But she told me a whopper that I knew wasn’t true. We were going out of town that weekend on a fun trip. She lost all priviledges that would require us to trust her for that weekend until she could gain back our trust. It’s a big deal for a 5 year old to not be able to open and close her own car door, hold a hand in the parking lot, etc. It made a big impact. I haven’t had a problem since.
I have also noticed that it seems we’ll have a really rough week or two. I have to be super consistent during those weeks. Then it resolves for several months before we have problems again.
Hang in there and keep looking for the natural consequences. They will present themselves, but it’s not always obvious. Ask your husband for suggestions too. Sometimes I’m so close to the situation that I can’t see the answer.
Great ideas, cjwagner77.
Some consequences we’ve used over the years for the areas you mentioned:
Dawdling: Either the work has to be done later when the child usually enjoys free time, or additional work is assigned. If needed, I create a fun activity to provide motivation or be missed. For example, if the child is consistently late to breakfast, I might switch and read one of the favorite read-aloud books at breakfast. If the child is dawdling when she is supposed to be cleaning her room, I might do a spur-of-the-moment popcorn and game time. It’s important not to use the read-aloud or the game time as a bribe. “We’ll do such and such if you have your room cleaned on time.” No, those events should be a natural privilege for the ones who have not dawdled.
Talking back: This one earned an immediate loss of privilege (whatever they were wanting from me was denied) and often a do-over was called to help them practice the correct way of replying to me.
Refusing to obey: Not an option. If the child was young enough, I would physically move the child’s arm (or whatever) to help her start doing what was asked (for example, “put away the toys”). This one is tough to come up with a consequence without knowing the specific situation. Consequences can vary so much depending on the child’s age, the setting, and other factors involved. The important thing is to get the child in the habit of obeying every time. A lot can be communicated by mom’s voice and demeanor.
Take heart! Consequences take more effort to come up with but they can be very powerful.
We have told our boys that the freedom of speech around our house is a privlage. As long is it is not abused there is freedom but when they do abuse the privlage we simply take it away for a period of time. If they get too loud in a store or the car or at the table, if they talk back and even times when they speak unkindly to others.
Sometimes I have to revert to a time-out to remove her from my attention. I’m having trouble thinking of some of the consequences that we use, but all that you mentioned essentially go back to obedience. We recently went through a rough stage of disobedience with our 5 year old dd. We cracked down and never let it slip. Do what we say now and don’t ask questions (within reason of course). We didn’t allow talking back, whining, etc. If there was any push back, I would often say something to the effect that it isn’t acceptable. You need to do this now. It has been such a big help. I have had several instances recently where I told her we couldn’t do something at that moment and we would talk about it later. She could have caused a big scene, but didn’t. We talked later and found a solution that was acceptable to both of us. (One was that I wasn’t opposed to buying her the school item that she wanted, but I knew we could find a better price on it elsewhere but didn’t want to say that in front of the vendor.) My mom visisted from out of town recently. She noticed also and asked what we were doing differently.
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