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Name calling from 5 year old
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I have a 5 year old who is very ADHD. I am not sure where he has picked up some of his name calling (perhaps at Taekwondo) and I am trying to get him to stop. Spanking, time out and charts haven’t worked yet. I have made a long progress on his behaviors but what I am doing now isn’t working with him on name calling. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
This may seem unrelated but I promise it’s not. Does he eat anything at all with artificial food dye? You might be surprised where all you find dye. It can cause real problems (behavioral or self control related) for some children, and if he already tends to control issues with the ADHD it can make it worse. My 3rd child is super sensitive to artificial dyes, esp. red and yellows. I would not have believed the difference removing it makes (or reintroducing it). Picture a seven year old having uncontrollable tantrums for over an hour several times a week. That is her reaction. She simply loses the ability to calm herself down and once upset it escalates into a full body tantrum like you would expect to see in a 2 year old. When we removed artificial dye from the family’s diet she stopped tantrums completely within two weeks. Reintroduce them for even 1-2 days and she’ll have a tantrum again.
Other ideas, by the way, at my house, would be removing whatever he loves. Toys, games, activities outside the house. Those are things you earn by kind words and behaviors.
Also teach him coping skills for when he’s upset/frustrated. What should he do instead when he feels that way?
Are there particular times he does this? For example do you see him getting wound up/over excited with a group of people or when playing roughly with daddy and then the name calling begins? Or is it specific to when he doesn’t get his way in something? It helps to figure out what are his typical ‘triggers’ for the behavior so you can see it coming and head it off with coping skills.
We avoid artificial dyes and flavorings. He is ADHD and has sensory issues as well as being OCD. He isn’t name calling when he is hyper. He is doing it to my mom and me mainly. And there is no dad. I am a single mom through adoption. He does it when he is mad that he doesn’t get his way or to try and be funny. We have tried taking things away from him in the past to stop bad behavior and I have found that to be the least effective means of discipline w/ him. Just looking for new and creative ideas to change his behavior.
Thanks anyway.
Hmm, well what is the ‘payoff’ he is getting when he calls you names? From his perspective? Is he getting your attention (even if it is negative?)? Maybe a total lack of emotional reaction over time while finding extra moments at other times to give him positive attention might help. There really is no quick fix. ((HUGS)) Not easy!
If name calling is something you (and he) have seen at TaeKwonDo you could consider talking to the Master. Most of the good schools we have encountered have a strong emphasis and character development and the Master would address something like that.
Or, if that doesn’t work consider stopping TKD or switching to a school that does hold the kids accountable for their behavior.
When we had a behavioral therapist in the house she suggested that we ignore the unwanted behavior and praise the wanted behavior. Sometimes they just want attention..good or bad. I know it sounds opposite of what you would do for a typical child but like you said the typical discipline does not work. I’ve seen it work on my own daughter and she usually stops the unwanted behavior within a week. It slowly starts to disappear. Or, I make a game…for example, she kept rudely “shhhhushing” me so I did it sing-song like back to her and it made her laugh. Now everyone does it and it lightens the mood instantly. Again, not your typical way of handling things but usually very effective. My daughter acts up more when she’s tired so I know that it’s not reallly how she wants to behave but rather a reaction to being tired. We also try for our teaching moment later when the emotions aren’t there….”name calling hurts..”
I agree w/ curlywhirly. The TaeKwonDo school our son attends seriously disciplines any student who talks back, acts disrespectfully, curses, name calls, or any other misbehavior. I frequently sit in on ds’s classes, and I think our instructors do an excellent job of quickly handling bad behavior by making the student do push-ups other other strenuous exercises, and when that doesn’t work, the student must spar a higher rank. We started our son in TaeKwonDo for the positive influences we knew it would have on him. If he came home having learned negative behaviors from the school, we would be finding another school promptly.
I also agree w/ Tristan re: food dyes. And, actually, it isn’t just food dyes that can cause or contribute to behavior issues, ADD/ADHD, OCD, and/or sensory issues. Our daughter also has sensory issues, and she does much better when she’s off all grains. It could be gluten that’s triggering your son or another food(s) altogether. Our daughter’s attention span grew by leaps and bounds when we took all dyes out of our diet, but we couldn’t stop there. Once we started reading labels, we completely transformed our family’s diet. Her behavior, attention span, and sensory issues have improved greatly, especially once we removed all grains and sugar (except a small amount of raw honey) from our diet. That is something else you could look into.
As for natural consequences for your son, what is something he loves that you can take away from him the next time he calls you names? A favorite toy or even a special blanket he enjoys sleeping with. Does he have a special TV or movie-viewing time that could be taken away until he learns to control his tongue? For our children, we have used a drop of vinegar on the tongue for major mouth offenses, such as talking back, disrespect, or name calling. Let me tell you, it works well and quickly, and they don’t forget it for quite some time. In fact, it’s probably been over a year since we’ve had to use this consequence. If your son doesn’t understand that what’s coming out of his mouth is bitter and ugly, having him taste it can get the message across. And perhaps you could use the reverse of this by rewarding with a spoonful of honey when he does say something sweet and respectful. That way he can see the difference in the two, that one draws negative consequences and the other brings positive consequences. Another approach you could try would be to not allow your son to speak following him calling you names. Our children have had to place their hand over their mouth for a period of time, until I felt they were ready to change how they were speaking.
As for what you’re doing in between those times, give him lots of positive attention, hugs, cuddles, quality time in your lap, and positive reinforcement for other behaviors that are good. Lots of praise when he remembers to pick up his toys or put a book back on the shelf. Lots of praise when he does say kind things and treats you nicely. I also can’t stress enough the importance of a male role model at his age and especially beyond. Do you have a brother or another male friend who could spend some “man” time with your son? This will help validate your son’s need to have a father figure, and men can frequently communicate these messages to boys in ways a woman may not. Would the Master at his TKD school be willing to talk to him or spend some time outside class with him?
Like Tristan said, there is no quick fix. If this is a habit he’s formed, it’s going to take a lot of effort and time to break it; but it can be done!
Blessings,
Lindsey
Just adding to Lindsey’s comment about the vinegar….my daughter could have drank an entire bottle! The more attention we gave to her impulsivity of name calling the more she did it. I would agree that vinegar works for typically developing children. Just my 2cents!
I have a related question about diet. How do you know what to eliminate to see if it might be the culprit to behavioral problems? Do you just try something for a couple of weeks and see? Is there a test your child can take first to determine if something might be triggering the child to misbehave? I have not had my DS tested, but I suspect he has some sensory issues. The thought of exploring dietary changes seems overwhelming to me.
Thanks for all of the responses. I will talk to his Taekwondo teacher. One of the big problems w/ ADHD is their ability to retain what they have learned w/ regard to behavior. He has virtually no impulse control and when I reprimand him for something, he will say that he forgot. I really believe that he does. He has trouble controlling what is coming out of his mouth and trouble stopping himself.
I had him food allergy tested, allergy tested, tested for wheat intolerance, milk intolerance, etc and he has none of that thankfully. I think it is purely ADHD and his inability to control his impulses. My son (adopted from Russia at 13 mths) has been tested for everything and we have made huge progress so we rarely have meltdowns anymore or much in the way of sensory issues but talking back/name calling and listening the first time are still behaviors we are working on. I continue to try and find creative ways to help him control his impulses. He truly wants to do better but it is hard. He hates vinegar and hot sauce and I have tried that before but it doesn’t deter him one bit. His lack of impulse control is stunning sometimes!
I would love to have a Godly male figure in his life but unfortunately, I do not have one for him. Of course, God fills the gap during these times.
Thanks again for the advice!
A couple other things to consider for the ADHD symptoms.
Not all food allergies or intolerances show up in allergy testing. The best way to determine if there is a problem is to do an elimination diet and keep food/reaction diary. Not, fun, but very effective.
You mentioned that your son was adopted from Russia at a young age. Both my little ones are adopted domestically from foster care. My DD was exposed to both alcohol and drugs prenatally. In her case I strongly suspect there is permanent damage that we will have to cope with specifically from the alcohol- especially verbal impulsivity. She has no filter on her mouth. 😉 My girl also has a tremendous amount of anxiety we have to work through almost daily- most likely a side effect of the methamphetamine exposure. Alcohol exposure particularly is common Eastern European adoptees. I don’t know if you have much information on your sons life pre- adoption, but it might be worth considering. While the damage is permanent, it can be effectively managed when the cause is understood. I have some links that might help if you are interested please PM me and I will send them along.
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