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Mutany at Home
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I was wondering if you ever ran into this problem with your kiddies with homeschooling and otherwise. (I am actually asking this not only on my behalf but also on the behalf of some of our moms who are in our area who are struggling with the same problem.) My (our) children are rebelling. There is mutany on bounty. My (our) children are objecting to everything from helping with chores, to playing nicely with one another, to obeying mom and dad, to doing their schoolwork. Yes, there is mutany for many of our families and there is a gentle murmuring amongst the moms (and my husband) about sending children to school come January. Many of us noticed some signs that something was not quite right with our families a bunch of months ago, and now we are seeing some of the symptoms going into full blow outbreaks. So I am taking the liberty to speak for my fellow concerned moms about what to do about this. Any thoughts. Have you also run into this, and if so, how did you bring peace back to your home? We moms are trying not to get discouraged, but we are baffled at what is going on with our kiddos. Speaking for myself, I love to teach, to organize and tidy, and make our home a wonderful cozy place to be. I love to play with my children, and read and color with them. But our children are so unsettled and up-turned and unhappy and nearly don’t want to do anything. They are mopey and argumentative and just sometime down right bratty. I (we) just do not know what to make of all this. Any thoughts.
I am wondering what sort of conncetion you have with these other moms? Are you all in a homeschool group of some sort together? Do the kids all know each other and play together regularly? Bad attitudes can certainly be contagious. Do you think the kids are influencing each other? If so, I would say the holidays is the perfect time to say let’s take a break and go a couple of weeks without seeing each other to try and break this.
If it really is something that is happening in families all around you, I also wonder whta the weather is like where you are. Are they all of a sudden getting less exercise and outdoor time? Maybe they have too much pent-up energy?
Beyond that, I think these are all habit-training issues. Each family needs to say that they are going to take some time to work intensely on whatever their biggest issue is.
Nebby
It would help to know the ages of the children in your family. I have TONS of thoughts on this, but they vary a bit due to ages.
In brief, it is most likely an attitude problem first and formost for at least one child (younger children may simply begin following the older child’s example, or visa versa. They have come to the wrong conclusion that school and chores are optional and only to be done when they ‘feel like it’. ((HUGS)) As the parent you are the one who God has entrusted with setting expectations (in our family we do this…) and with enforcing them. I wonder if there had been consequences months ago about the children’s attitude of “I don’t have to do ____ because I dont’ feel like it” if you would be facing this drastic an issue now.
Consequences vary by family! In mine, the first application to solve the not wanting to work, be it doing chores or schoolwork, is to set the expectation and then cancel meals or activities until it is met. A real life example: I tell my oldest daughter that her math page must done before lunch. I make sure that I’m assigning a reasonable amount of work. In this example I am positive my daughter could do the page in 20 minutes and we have 45 minutes until lunch.
If lunch rolls around and she has dawdled on doing her math she can sit down to work on that while we’re eating lunch. If she keeps dawdling then she’ll get to wave as her siblings go outside for afternoon playtime and stay in to keep working. If there is a total meltdown and she refuses to finish that math page, which I know she could have done in 20 minutes easily(it’s happened at my house before) then the cancellation of dinner, snacks, and any evening activities happens, until she finishes her work.
Also, when a child has missed a meal or snack from not doing their work, when they finish the work they don’t get to just go eat now. They may eat at the next regularly scheduled food time with the family. The kitchen is closed.
Now, this really has happened at my house and food and activities are a great motivator for most children. They quickly see that it is easier to do the work and get it done than to resist and miss something they enjoy. It works for chores too. The simple phrase, “As soon as you get your chores done we will have a snack” sets the expectation and the time limit. A less flexible time limit could be set by saying “Dinner is in half an hour. You must do your bathroom chores before dinner if you want to join us at the table.”
There are some other things that can contribute to the problems you’ve mentioned, and they may or may not be happening in your house. Things like:
– Allowing a child to speak disrespectfully to parents. It spills over into their actions. It should be dealt with quickly and consistently.
– Mom assigning too much work that is too difficult – they get frustrated and give up.
– Not playing nicely together, which while it happens on occasion naturally, should not be the norm. There should be consequences, which can vary: not allowed to play with what they are fighting over, not allowed to play with each other, not allowed to play for a period of time(sit in time out instead.
– Too much electronic media! Really. It is NOT good for children. Shut off all the screens for parents and children for a month. You’ll have so much face to face time to work on character issues (instead of mom or dad putting off correcting small offenses because they are too busy in the moment).
– Too many toys, too much clutter. If the environment is saturated with stuff then the children can easily be overwhelmed. I have found my children are happier with a few basic toys than they ever were with a closet full of toys.
(HUGS) I’m sure there are many other things that could be part of it. Every family is different! Let us know the ages of your children and we’ll try to give more specific advice.
Also, another thought, if the children’s friends are all acting this way as well then it is probably time for a break from friends who are reinforcing bad attitudes and behaviors.
Welcome. You’ve gotten great advice from the ladies here. Please introduce yourself – we’d love to hear more about you, your homeschooling journey thus far, and the ages of your children. Just wanted to say if your clan is experiencing mutiny at home right now, “sending them to school come January” would only cause that dreadful bounty to increase. Obviously this is a great opportunity to work in the hearts of your children. Be of good courage…
yes mutany can sometimes happen. I think Tristan gave some terrific advice. We also follow suit. In our house if at 3;00 they don’t have all their work done then they missed out on their snack for the day. I also do the Math thing. 🙂 Glad to see I am not the only mom who makes their kiddos do math before lunch.
Great advice! Blessings!
Just before summer began, we were having some serious attitude issues with our two kids, ds8 and dd7. The attitudes spilled over into disrespect toward me and each other, laziness, and an overall unpleasantness in our home. I accept much of the responsibility for this, as I was experiencing some emotional problems and mild depression. I was more focused on myself than on the children, and it really started to show. So, dh and I decided to take away everything the children had in their rooms, except their clothes and beds. We filled our guest room with toys and books, and they were not allowed to even ask for their things. We also did not allow any Netflix or movies during this time. We told them it was for an indefinite period of time, and that as we saw improvement in their attitudes and behavior, we would begin to give them their things back one at a time.
They were without their things for about a month, if I remember correctly. Within a couple of days, we had new children. Because there were no toys or anything of interest to distract them, they became very helpful around the house and looking for things to do to help since they would be bored otherwise. It was a huge wake-up call for them. After probably 2 weeks, we gave them one thing back. A couple days later, we gave another thing back. It took them three weeks to earn all of their stuff, plus movie privileges back.
If things have gone as far as you said, I would definitely suggest something drastic like this. Yes, it is more work for you, but you can go ahead and have a list ready of things you want done around the house to keep their minds and hands occupied and their thoughts on helping: re-stacking the wood pile, washing baseboards and blinds, cleaning spots in the carpet, dusting, emptying out cabinets and wiping them out, then re-organizing the contents, sweeping the garage out, learning to cook a meal or new dish, raking leaves, mulching the garden, organizing bookshelves alphabetically by author’s last name…I can think of more if you need it!
The removal of one’s pleasures coupled with some good, old-fashioned hard work is enough to make any child grateful for what they have, respectful of their parents and each other, and ready to change their attitudes. Oh, and any complaining was met promptly with a drop of vinegar on their tongue. After that, it was a swat.
Hope you get it figured out,
Lindsey
I too have experienced similar things here with my children ages 12 and 10. However, I learned through my own trial and error that one aspect of the difficulty lie in how i was approaching learning with them. I’d lost much of my enthusiasm and that was reflected in how they were approaching learning. What can you do to invigorate your style or approach or the subjects your covering in the Spring? My best advice … get out of the box and take the subjects in to real life. Teach math at the grocery store, teach Science by a stream with field guides and good literature and other tools of investigation. Teach history at a musuem. Talk with the kids to see what excites them … then run with it. You will cover so much more (in terms of subjects) than you realize.
My children go through phases just like I do. Sometimes Math just isn’t very exciting! Or History, or Composition. And if i can’t make it interesting, or spark that desire in them to learn it, then I take a little break from it. I focus more on something else and come back to it. We school year round and that gives us a little more flexibility this way. But regardless, cramming it in isn’t going to create an interest or a love of the subject.
IMHO, school at home sucks as much as school at school. I don’t want to recreate a mini version of what is going on in the very best of American public and private schools. I am homeschooling to create something dramatically different and, I hope, much better. Charlotte Mason’s own writings speak to a very different philosophy on education than that which is so prevalent in our school systems. I’d advise some reading of her own words. See what you think of her thoughts on what a positive atmosphere and environment at home should look and feel like.
I’d also ask myself some tough questions about this group of moms/children … it is very easy to be negative when you are in a group of negative thinkers. Perhaps not everyone or everything is so bad? I agree with the above posts too that children copy bad attitude and behavior. I’d look to see who’s the ring leader and go from there. Maybe the moms could commit to staying positive and going forward from there with support for one another along the way.
Discipline is discipline. I agree with the tactics above for the most part. But I’d aslo suggest LISTENING to your children and having a real conversation (in my experience, these are long and take lots of my patience to accomplish but are worth it.) I am always amazed at the deep comfort my children take away from these conversations. What is going on with them? Are they growing? Are they unhappy? Is something about the family dynamic not working for them and they are frustrated by an inability to do something to make it better? As Charlotte points out over and over … our children are not empty vessels to be filled. They are persons. As such, we need to respect that they have all the same troubles that we do and are much less experienced to handle them.
Just my .02! I hope it helps. I am praying for your comfort and peace. 🙂
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