Motivating the unmotivated child

Natural consequences work great – even if it takes months or years – that’s real life.

True – but honest natural consequences are often much worse than you want your child to have to face…   ie, the natural consequence of not brushing your teeth is them rotting and falling out….  

My step-daughter, Charlie, went to a brick school (as did my other step-children)  I joined the family when she was 11 – and she already had a truancy problem.  She had gotten the attitude that we couldn’t make her do anything – and she was right.  (A few things I would have tried we didn’t because I just wasn’t in the position to do it – I was already hated by the step-kids as the evil step-mom.)  We had the truant officer on our doorstep regularily.  In theory my husband or I could have been heavily fined, or even put into jail – but that didn’t happen – I assume because they could see we were trying to make her go to school.  She sort-of finished grade 7, and hardly went back to school after that – the truant officers gave up long before the required age of 16.  

I remember when she was 17 and was starting in a school program (which lasted about 2 weeks before she quit) and her being upset with her placement test indicating that her math levels were at about a grade 7 level…. (she did score a bit higher on other subjects…) – and me thinking in my mind – what do you expect???

The natural consequence has occurred.  She can hardly get a job, and most of them are not enjoyable jobs.  She can’t earn enough to live on her own – and is generally having to rely on the generosity of others (she got kicked out here for stealing money.)  When she has gotten a job – she has such poor attendance and work habits – she usually loses it.

So yes – natural consequences can be effective – but often way harsher than I’d like to see.  And honestly, I’m still not sure how effective they have been…. she hasn’t gone back to school or kept a job….

Now – logical consequences can be effective….  So my thoughts on the specific?

Set a time by which all independant work is to be accomplished.  (say 1:00 or 2:00).  At that time, if it isn’t done, they are informed that in life you need either academic skills or manual labour skills to support yourself as an adult.  As they have not worked sufficiently on their academic skills, they must now work on manual labour skills for 2 hours, closely supervised.  Then have them work hard at scrubbing floors or whatever.  (Pick a job that needs doing – cleaning out the garage/basement, taking down all the blinds and washing them… whatever. Have a list of things worked out ahead of time.)  Work them hard.   I suspect doing that just a couple of times will solve the problem.     You could occasionally have a positive available too – if everything is done and everyone in the car by 2:00 you are going swimming….    but as they seem to already expect to be rewarded, I’d at this point go more for that logical consequence.

Something else to think about…another hs mom told me – It takes a man to build a man. Not sure if that is the exact quote but you can get the idea. Dad’s involvement may be the key here.

Is it all school or just some subjects? Have you asked what their goals are for the future?

Both my brother and husband (we met around the age of 15) both really started to dislike school around the age of 13-14. My brother was HSed so my mom and dad sat him down and asked what he wanted to do in the future. They told him what would be needed to reach that goal so he “buckled down”. My dad told him “you will not like every subject or teacher, and you do not have to make all A’s but you will have to just get your work done” school and career are similar. He went onto college and did very well, and in career after.

My DH wanted to be a draftsman. He knew what was needed so he admits he did not give it his all, he did what he needed to do to get into the program out of highschool. He did very well in the program and has always done very well in the workforce.

I know for both of them, having goals for college, tech school, community college, internship… really helped them focus even when they really did not like school.

Another side is the style. I met a family and the oldest thrived using living books, but her sister struggled with them and did so much better with text books, check lists, fill in the blanks. Things just “clicked” for her so her mom had to step away from what she loved to help her DD find what worked for her. My brother would have very much struggled with living book style, my DH told me he thinks it would have made him crazy, LOL, but is glad to do it with our kids

That Cosby episode is the best! Always makes me laugh and I know made me think when young.

It sounds like you’re doing the right things. I think I would not let them do the things they enjoy (reading their books/drawing) until formal schoolwork was completed. And maybe not a popular idea but I would allow a small amount of electronics on weekdays and less on Sat. My 11yo son loves electronics. He’s bright and does quality school work but doesn’t love school. However, he gets up and rarely dawdles with his work because he wants to finish so he can have his electronics time.

I feel sad that my kids don’t say they love school like you hear some kids do:) But he does enjoy most of his books and is learning. School is work, no way around it. And in real life you work hard at your job and then get choices on how to spend your free time…so I’m find with timed electronic time. Just us:) Blessings, Gina

“A lot of it comes down to work ethic. They would rather I read to them than they read themselves. If they have to read an independent book for school ‘it’s too hard, it’s stupid, it’s boring’. If they get stuck on a math lesson ‘the program is stupid, the book is tricking them, the author isn’t clear’. It’s like they don’t want to take the mental effort to get past the hard part and do the work. But this from the same kid that is teaching himself to draw. Looks up resources he wants to use and gives detailed and logical arguments as to why we should buy the resources for him. He spends hours every week pouring over art books and copying methods, practicing techniques.”

Two things in the passage above stand out to me:

1. You are still reading to them. Charlotte warned that reading to older children would make them lazy about reading for themselves. This should stop, and they should be giving oral and/or written narrations on their readings at this age.

2. They ARE doing the work they are INTERESTED in! And isn’t this natural? As an adult, don’t you do the work that you are motivated to perform and vitally interested in? How could you re-direct thier education in ways that would bring in that interest? For example, if your artistic son could illustrate his narrations, would he be more enthusiastic? What are the ‘fun’ books they are reading? Are there other (educational) books by the same author – or are they reading twaddle? See if you can brainstorm with them about why they like those books – and then find living books that meet some of those factors.

3. Kids from very strict, authoritarian households tend to lack motivation. They are used to taking orders, not taking initiative. Your kids shouldn’t have to be bribed to do the duties that are expected in a family. And they shouldn’t have to be motivated by fear, either. Charlotte said (paraphrasing) that your role as an educator is to provide them with an atmosphere, discipline, and lifestyle of learning…but you are not to coerce them through either bribery or fear. So learn what does interest or motivate them, and provide the books and tools for them to learn through those things. Be their cheerleader and encourage them in their interests. They were born with a heart’s desire to make you and your husband proud – show them that they can!

4. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a life. Teenage boys do need a lot of sleep. But there should be habitual, regular hours for sleeping and waking…just like there are habitual hours for school, exercise, etc…The beauty of habit training is that the brain actually becomes so accustomed to the habit that it becomes EASIER to perform the habitual action than doing anything else. Laying Down the Rails has a lot of good ways to implement these concepts, even for your teenagers. If they were going to public school, would they be allowed to get up at noon? How will that work out when they join the work force (and that should be pretty soon for them!)? There should be a set waking up time in your home. Period.

5. They must have things they want/like? For instance, these ‘fun’ books they are reading. Where are they coming from? Are they paying for them or are you? Often, we lecture kids and call that a ‘consequence’. It teaches them nothing but how to effectively tune us out. Take ACTION that has meaning to THEM. If they like video games, then the school work has to get done with no dawdling or shirking for them to play them. If they like ‘fun’ books, they must read a chapter of their assigned book first. You are still the parents – you set the rules and the tone of the home. Take action – but with a minimum of nagging/ lecturing. Just jointly announce your policies and put them into effect. And be sure you are giving them credit for the right things they are doing! They will give up if they feel they can never please you….what is the point?

6. If you can get involved in a club or coop where they are participating as a group it may ignite their learning. My kids enjoy getting their peers point of view in a learning environment and some friendly competition. It challenges them to do their best.

I know it is hard to see things in their character that you wish weren’t there. And it is twice as hard to undo a bad habit as it would have been to sow a good one. But they CAN sow new habits – especially if you can enlist their cooperation.

Hello Again!

Sorry if I was ‘know it all’ sounding with my comments – certainly didn’t mean to bring you down :). We have four boys around here and I agree – I don’t always understand the way they think at all! And, of course, every family has to work out their own solutions in the end.

I absolutely agree with you on the video games – we don’t like them either. You had mentioned them, though, so I thought maybe they were a motivator for your boys.

And sorry for my wording on the authoritarian thing! We are working through this with our kids, so I must have jumped on my soapbox there. We were way too strictly authoritarian when they were smaller and now we are trying to undo some of the effects.

I did just want to respond on the reading aloud question, b/c this was something I found out recently and I don’t think many CMers are implementing this principle. Charlotte said,

“It is a delight to older people to read aloud to children, but this should be only an occasional treat and indulgence, allowed before bedtime, for example. We must remember the natural inertness of a child’s mind; give him the habit of being read to, and he will steadily shirk the labour of reading for himself; indeed, we all like to be spoon-fed with our intellectual meat, or we should read and think more for ourselves and be less eager to run after lectures.” Vol 1, p. 228

Sorry, and I understand your reasons for continuing…but that is Charlotte’s advice :).

Blessings to you!