Living far away from extended family

Hi Dana,

This is certainly a tricky issue, and I have to say for me is the hands-down hardest thing about living overseas (being away from family, missing out on family events, kids missing out on relationships with their grandparents).  I don’t think there are any easy answers.  We are fortunate in that both my parents and my husband’s parents are very supportive of our ministry and while yes, it is difficult for them not to see us and the kids as often as they might like, they don’t give us a hard time about it or put pressure on us to come back home  permanently.  I do feel guilty at times, even without getting a lot of hard feelings from family.  That is one of those issues that I have had to wrestle out with the Lord.  One Scripture I have returned to over and over is Hebrews 4:16 – we can approach him with confidence because He understands where we are coming from and has the grace and mercy to help us in our time of need.  I think Gaeleen is right when she says that “if you are treading a God-ordained path, it is the right one, wherever it takes you.”  There are times that I think I would be happier if we could live closer to family, but I realize that while that might make me happy in the short-term, treading outside of God’s will for our family would not be good in the long-run.  Don’t be afraid to ask Him to re-confirm His calling to you if you need it, and then cling to that when the sacrfices that you need to make seem great.

 It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things in making use of what opportunities that you do have – skype, blogs, mail, spending quality time together when you are together etc.   I know it can be hard to make the effort when it seems unappreciated, but probably the best thing you can do is to continue to try to keep open whatever lines of communication that you do have available anyhow.  You can’t control their response, and it’s not your responsibility to do so.  So, I would encourage you to keep that all up even when it doesn’t feel like it’s worth it!

I have found that the kids tend to be more accepting and resiliant of saying goodbye that we are – remember that this lifestyle is all they know so it isn’t such a radical shift for them as it is for us.  Skype with video has been an amazing blessing for us since the kids are much more willing to participate in the conversation when they can see grandma’s face on the screen than when it is just a strange voice coming out of the telephone!  One other sort of special thing that my mom has done is make some little photo albums of pictures of special things that she and the kids have done together in the times that we are together.  My dd especially treasures these books, and it could be helpful to have something tangible like that to hold onto if you find that your son does miss family a lot.  These can also be good opportunities to teach him first hand about the God who never leaves or forsakes us wherever we go, and we can always call to Him…even if we feel sad about missing grandma and grandpa (or whomever).  Shoot, it’s a good reminder for me too!

Lastly, I stumbled across this article recently which was an encouragment to me  – dealing with this issue of how our calling to overseas ministry affects our children.  Has more to do with transition in general…but I think this issue of extended family relationships is all sort of part of the package!  http://www.incourage.me/2011/03/called-to-the-crazy.html

Not that I have this all figured out by any means…just a few things I’ve learned over the past decade of overseas living. =)

Jen

It is hard. We skype like 1-2 times every 6 months.  I don’t feel guilty at all.  This is “my” life and I have to worry about my children and their life.  Some of my family made it hard at first but just got over it when I chose to no longer call them.

We are military overseas not missionaries, but I regardless it is my husbands job that brought us here.  We love living overseas and my family other than my mom/dad, sister, mother in law and good firend never call, write, send cards, or make any effort whatsoever!  In the 5.5 years we have been overseas I have never received 1 phone call , brithday card or letter from anyone other than these previous mentioned people. They don’t even send us Christmas cards!  If they say I never call I say the phone works both ways.  I love my family I do but I don’t have time to do all the work.  My children and husband are more important.

My whole family, cousins, aunts, grandparents all live in one metro area while hubbys family all live in Germany.  My mom and his parents are the only ones who came here in 5.5 years. My sister would but can not afford it and my friend lived here until a year ago.  His family lives in Germany for goodness sakes and didn’t come!  I just can’t worry about it.  I did make all the effort at first and just couldn’t do it any more!

Now we are moving back to the US.  We will move in May but will not be that close. About a 2 days drive or a plane ride.  I am excited to be alttle close, but I still doubt that anyone will visit.  My mom and sister plan to visit in the summer, my friend will visit her parents 2 hours away (so us too) hopefully for Christmas!  My sister in law wants to come after I visit my family August.  But, those are the normal people we see.  I doublt we will get any call or letters or whatever.  Mind you we have had our number change 3 times in 5.5 years but our address has been the same. They say they don’t have it or whatever but it never changed.  It was hard at first, but now it doens’t bother me.  Once my mom said something about christmas cards and I said ohh it doesn’t matter they send us any and she had no idea.  After the first year when I just stopped being the one taking all the time and spending all the money I only sent Christmas cards…with our address on them he he!

It is up to how you deal with it really.  It might be hard for your little one or not.  It realy stinks your family feels you are not doing enough.

Sorry that was a bit messy. I didn’t have time to read back though it!

I told my parents long ago that I love them and respect their advice but cannot make them happy only myself, husband and children. They are responsible for making themselves happy and have to decide how to do that.  It is not your fault that your parents are not happy it is theirs. They could perfectly well be happy for you just as easily!  I personally think it is easier to just be happy for someone or about something than to be grumpy.  Being grumpy takes up too much time!