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Little Rant lol!
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My daughters are 20 years old and are a delight, we are finishing up highschool and doing some college classes on line right now. They are always busy, engaged in things and working hard both at their studies and around the home and at their extra curiculur interests. Due to hurricane and illness they are delayed in finishing up highschool, but on advise from HSLDA we decided to add a couple of years of school to be fair to them. We have never had a problem with this, but now neighbors and people I know are starting to question us in a very negative way. Why are your girls still at home, why have you not tossed them out yet, and today someone said the kindest thing you could do is toss them out! How would you respond to these people – it makes me angry but when it happens I am so lost for words as I am astonished that people think this way. Our daughters are not a burden on society, they work hard and are wonderful girls. I would appreciate some ideas on how to handle this – I find it disturbing frankly that people think it is ok to just toss your kids out on the street. We also have medical issues to contend with – one with Cerebral palsy who will not be able to drive and one with severe stomach issues which makes it hard for her to be out and about as much as she would like….I feel bad for the girls when they hear this as it obviously bothers them. Ideas, advise please, anyone in the same situation?
I can’t believe people are being that nosy and rude. I’m not sure what I’d do. I tend to be defensive, so I’d probably say how proud I am of them to be doing so well after the hurricane and illnesses and how thankful I am that I can tailor an education to meet their needs, and what’s the big hurry? So many kids go off to college young not knowing what they want to do and wasting that $$. None of their business…sorry you have to deal with this. I hope you get some good advice. Blessings, Gina
Lots of people live at home when attending college. These people who are saying this are totally out of line. I don’t think that their rude comments even need to be dignified with an answer. If you must, then simply tell them that they are attending college online while living at home just like many other sensible young adults.
Agree! Totally rude and out of line. We are actually encouraging our girls – we have 2 -to stay at home until they are either A) Married or B) Established enough with enough saved to take care of themselves conservatively. We are encouraging similar things for our boy, but with a bit more pressure on him to be prepared to be able to support a household. Many may not agree with this, and many certainly don’t, but this is the way we feel we need to raise our children and it is no one else’s business. As far as it is with girls…I was not saved until after I was married and trust me, unfortuately I know what the world holds for young ladies who are out there without protection either from a husband or parent and I don’t wish that on my girls EVER!
You are doing right!!
Thanks ladies, and Heather your words are especially encouraging – I too have seen a world prior to marriage and though I was a Christian I to this day feel blessed that I had a mum and dad who encouraged me to stay home until I was properly on my feet and able to manage – without that background I am certain I would have floundered. The world was bad enough then, let alone now where it is totally horrible for young people in many ways, and our daughters are way too precious to just toss out – boys are as well. Are your girls already at an age where that decision needs to be made or are they younger? I would love as much encouragement as anyone can give me, so I can then encourage the girls. All these comments are making them feel weird as well. Linda
Hi Linda, my girls are very young, but we know what ways we want to encourage them to go, so we make suggestions and plant seeds where we can. I don’t think we can start too early for that! My girls are just 5 and 9 and my boy is only 7, but we already are talking to him about the importance of choosing a trade or career that can support his family well.
I hope others will chime in as well! My experience is limited and time will tell how well it will all turn out!
Oh Dear Linda, What you’re hearing is just the “world” talking. The people are speaking out of selfishness and pity for you, because with 20 year old children you should be “FREE” of responsibility – able to live your own life. Just think about how many people talk about how they can’t wait to get all of their kids out of the house – of course these are the ones that have done such a poor job of raising their children that they inevitably come back. These are also the people who do very little of value with their life once their children are out of the house – they just want leisure time and it will make them feel better about theirs, if you’re seeking it out too… perhaps they feel guilty because they have not selflessly given to their family as you have.
As someone who lived on my own as soon as I graduated from college and totally supported myself, I can say that – that life is something I would never want for my four daughters… there’s no accountability when you’re living on your own, I am so grateful to God for the things he spared me from inspite of my own foolish decision making. Perhaps some of that could have been avoided with a stronger Christian and moral upbringing though I was still arguably much more conservative than that vast majority of my peers. But living on your own really doesn’t prepare you for marriage or even for life, it really only prepares you to be alone. I think it’s much more difficult to go into a marriage relationship after experiencing many years of autonomy and not having to negiotiate the waters of having more than yourself to deal with on a day to day basis. That autonomy can also be an idol and a difficult “luxury” to forget once you’re married and have children to tend to and care for.
People are foolish to suggest that you turn your girls out on their own, but I think that’s mainly because they don’t know you, for the most part… a vast majority of the 20 somethings I know that are living at home WOULD greatly benefit by the parents telling them to hit the highway. Many are not still getting an education or working or contributing to the family in any way… I know two 20 something boys living at home, periodically attending junior college and working just enough to pay for the “extras” – they give nothing to their family (father has MS and is on disability) and they aren’t saving money in vast sums for a down payment on a house, as far as I know they only thing around the house they are responsible for is their OWN laundry and doing the dishes – it’s tragic, but these boys are being deprived of their masculinity and would be well served by a little tough love, so perhaps the people who have so freely given you advice are thinking your situation is more similar to this (especially considering MOST of the situations that I am intimately aware of, really ARE more like this).
So, I’m with Heather, I don’t want my girls moving out until they are married or until they are missionaries over seas – I DO want them to be able to generate an income and I likely won’t make them pay rent (unless I have one with problems saving – in which case I WOULD make them pay rent – keeping it in a savings account to give to them when they did leave home). I think this is just another way many homeschoolers are different than the rest of society, we’re comfortable with doing things differently because we have faith it will generate a better outcome. Chin up! You’re doing a great job mama!
Rebekah
Thanks again ladies, Rebekah that makes me feel better as well – my husband and I would never allow them to lead idol, lazy unproductive lives, it is important that they know the worth of work, helping, service and sharing – and they are far better at all those things than I was at their age – I was nowhere near as useful to my family:(( I also know some twenty year olds and older who are living the life of Riley while their parents support them, and that is unacceptable – some of these people who say these things may be thinking that, but others are family members and friends – and it is hard listening to that – part of me does not see the need to justify our choices, but another part, the feisty part wants to come out swinging, lol. I think perhaps it being the first of a new year which I find a melancholy time anyway and the fact that 3 people said that today – it has really made me wonder how to stop it. I am with you and Heather and the other ladies who want to do what is right by our daughters and not put them out just because the majority of society does so. We do walk to a different drummer, a lot of the people who say this have totally different views to our family anyway – some are very liberal in action as well as politics and so that also does not give us common ground. Do any of you have daughers at home who are done with school, and do they face this as well? Thanks for the encouragement ladies I needed that today.
((Linda)) I have a 20yr. old dd, and an 18yo ds, who live at home and both are done with school. Originally, dd did not go to college immediately when graduating because she did not know what she wanted to study and she didn’t want to waste our money by constantly changing majors, ds was not even sure if he wanted to go to college. DD does now have a plan that includes college and will be taking the SAT soon to begin college. My dd is as lovely as your two, she adores her younger brothers and is a very big help around the house, both of them were/are looking for jobs because they want to work, not to have fun money, but to help out the family. Fortunately, no one has been brazen enough to tell us to put them out and i’m so grateful to God for that, because i’m sure I would lose my testimony. If my children were disrepectful and not following our house rules, I would probably tell them that they needed to find another place to live, but because they repect our house and our rules and are kind to the other members of the family, I very much enjoy them being here with us. Now they do have plans to get an apartment together once they get jobs and have enough saved up and a budget.
Des, that is what we are doing and until health is on track – with the doctor confirming it, and until they can stand financially with a plan and budget we do not want them to be just thrown to the wolves. I am happy to read your story because it makes me realise I am not doing anything really wrong here, and that others are doing it too. Thank you. Linda
After I bit my tongue not to respond with some clever remark, I think I’d rely on the same ‘bean dip’ strategy that many people have recommended when people make nosy and rude question about why we homeschool.
“Thank you for your concern. This is something that we have carefully and prayerfully decided is best for our family right now. Would you please pass the bean dip?” (In other words, change the subject and move on.)
If your girls are feeling badly or unsure because of these remarks, I would make sure that they understand that you love having them there and see it as a blessing and not a burden. Then, if you haven’t already, I’d discuss with them the reasons that you are glad they are still at home. There are so many young adults who end up back at home having made poor decisions, often with large student loan debt, perhaps broken relationships and broken hearts, and feeling worthless and demoralized because they have to depend on their parents again. It makes so much more sense to give them a solid foundation to leap from when they are ready rather than just kicking them out of the nest, only to have to pick them up again after they have hit the ground.
Joanne
Joanne, good idea…the girls do know we are delighted they are with us and the reasons and they are happy about that – they just find it weird that people think we are odd and we are not following the norm…it is sometimes hard to be different. Our neighbors daughter is often outside kissing and hugging her boyfriend – she is 15 and it is not something I would encourage, but her parents think we are really odd, and say we are harming our girls by not allowing them these experiences. I had a couple of those experiences at 18 and wish I had not – it did not help me in anyway to feel good about life…so I don’t see it the way they do. I agree it is better to do what we are doing than to try and pick up the pieces – I like the bean dip – excellent…..Linda
This is how I respond to it: God is our sufficiency. He is whom we look to for all things. So who cares what they say… My dd is at home because that is the best place for her right now. Outwardly I say, “Thank you for your concern but right now this is what is best for our family.”
You have great advice above, we too plan on keeping our daughters home until things are in line like Heather mentioned. While I don’t get the same comments you do, I do get constant comments about the number of children we have and how close they are together. (5 of them 7 and under) Walmart is an emotional drain sometimes because I’m in a hurry anyways and I have been berated for several minutes about having that many children. It’s a daily thing to have rude comments, and I’ve just learned to pray before I go out that I would handle the comments with grace, and be saddened for the people making them rather than offended or angry with them. Easier said than done, but you can respond as some mentioned above, or just say you love your girls and we are doing what we feel God wants us to do for them.
Linda, dear, I can relate. Our two oldest are at home and we prefer it that way. But they, too, come up against some thoughtless comments and ackward situations. While I haven’t yet come up with the snappy-comeback-to-put-commenters-in-their-place, one thing that I think has helped the girls is to know that they are not the only ones. Many other homeschool families are enjoying having their older daughters at home, and the more my daughters hear about and from those others, the more they realize they’re not oddballs.
I know we don’t want them to become dependent on others for their feelings of self, but even we moms enjoy hearing that other hs moms are facing the same things we are. That’s one reason this forum is a comfort to us.
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