I have a child with sensory issues, so I “get” sensory issues, but….
This may sound harsher than I intend but – you chose to have all these children in spite of your disability. So now, it is your job to find a way to adapt to them, not the other way around. It is unfair to expect them to understand your sensory issues and to be okay with being pushed away and confined. This is not to say you can’t talk to them about your sensory issues – and I think you should. But you still can’t expect them to understand.
” There has to be some way to motivate them to actually want to follow the rules, instead of doing whatever they think they can get away with. Even when I do nothing but sit and watch them I spend all my time telling them not to go all these places. It does not motivate them to not want to go there.”
I agree with others in that this is not a disobedience issue, but rather a “you have trained them to be this way” issue, because you are not (able) to look after/train them the way they need. They have learned that you don’t (can’t) pay attention and that they can get into whatever they want, and you’re not going to do much about it, because you don’t notice it. They’ve been allowed to do this for 7 & 5 years – those are very deeply ingrained habits that are not going to disappear overnight or even in months. Regardless of what you have “said” to them – your actions have taught them otherwise. And like all things in life, with children, our actions speak far louder than our words.
So, you’re likely going to need a very physical/visual way of retraining them. I would say get very visual for starters – a chart with the rules and consequences for when those rules are broken, a reward chart for following the rules, visual signs on the doors/places they’re not allowed into (“stop sign”). And, physical – You don’t sit there and say “No don’t, stay here” over and over. You tell them the rules when they enter the room and that’s it. They start to disobey – instant time out. And don’t expect them to “catch” on to the new rules instantly. It will very likely take a loooooong time.
That said – make sure you’re being realistic. At 5 & 7 years old, they are wanting and NEEDING more independence. They have to have places they are allowed to go into in their own home, without you, especially if you need the space.
For the backyard – let them go in the mud. Mud is fun. It’s messy, but… really… oh well. Kids are messy, lol. I would guarentee you let them back there, they’ll be entertained and you’ll get some peace and quiet. And to expect a 7 & 5 year old to be able to have the self-discipline to resist the mud all the time… it’s expecting too much honestly, with everything that’s been going on.
For the fridge – why are they in the fridge? Are they hungry? Make sure you’re scheduling adequate snack times. Likewise, you could also give them their own shelf in the fridge where they are free to get healthy snacks. Do up small portions in snack size baggies that they can go get when they want a quick snack. And then also give them their own shelf in the pantry/cupboard with things they can get themselves.
In a lot of this, I think you’re going to need to learn to pick your battles.
For the downstairs – why are they not allowed downstairs? Is it because they get into stuff, or because it bothers you? Where are the expected to remain? By the sounds of things, honestly, it really doesn’t sound like they’re allowed anywhere but their bedrooms? Do they have a play room? A basement room to play in? A living room they can play in? Do they have adequate outdoor toys etc… to keep them occupied in the front yard like a swing set, sand box etc… ? Try looking at WHY they want to go into their father’s office, their sister’s room, downstairs etc… see what’s motivating that, and then try and find a different way to meet that desire. Ex: say they were going into the office because they want paper, pens, etc… make sure they have those supplies available elsewhere.
For your attention issues, if you have such attention issues to the effect that you don’t notice your children wandering off getting into trouble (and on one hand, trust me, this happens to all of us at some point, lol), but when it’s a very consistent thing, then I’d say it’s best to find something that is going to MAKE you notice. I would start by having a baby monitor, or a video monitoring system so that you can see every room of the house if you have to. I would also do alarms on the doors you don’t want them to get into. Set an alarm for yourself to check on them every 5 minutes if you have to.
As for wanting to help you – well of course they do, children love to be helpers and it’s how they learn. You really need to find a way to work with this one, because discouraging them from helping you because it bothers you, is going to do damage in the long run and sends them a very negative message – that they’re not wanted and that they’re not helpful. Eventually they’ll stop trying.
I like the suggestion of trying ear plugs when they’re in the kitchen with you. Set up a basket of quiet activities they can do while you’re working – coloring books, playdoh, puzzles, etc… You’re going to have to learn to work with them in the kitchen. As far as actually physically helping you – I like the idea of having a chart so they take turns, just have one a night.
Quiet time is also a good idea. And, while Charlotte would turn in her grave, if that means you have to round them up and put a movie on for an half an hour or so, while you go do something else – so be it. It might also be a good idea to make sure that you’re getting time to yourself both a) in the morning before they get up (even if this means getting up earlier yourself) and b) in the evening once they’re in bed (and maybe you could even try pushing their bedtime just 15-30 minutes earlier to give you some extra time).
I am absolutely amazed at the things I see left out at other people’s houses with similar age kids, things that would get broken or otherwise ruined in a day or less here. It’s not because these other kids are better behaved or watched super closely…apparently mine are unusually curious or destructive or something.
I highly doubt it. What is going on unfortunately, is that by your own admission, they have a mother, who due to her disorder/sensory issues, is unable to pay attention or stay focused on them. Another thing is to make sure you’re spending very focused time with them every day. Get down and play with them, read them a book, do a puzzle together, color together etc…
My last suggestion would be to start seeking some professional help for yourself. Start working with an OT who can help you deal with your sensory issues and find coping mechanisms, that will help you deal with the ins and outs of daily life as a parent. There is a lot of help out there, and they will work with you on ways to help your organize yourself better for better attention and awareness and focus, how to work on sound sensitivities etc… Things you can do during the day to help calm yourself etc…
So while yes, the kids should work more on obeying, the majority of this is going to stem from YOU working on yourself and working on ways to adapt to your children. I think working on these things will very likely help their “behaviors”, because they’ll feel the extra attention you’re giving them, and some of it too, will be just picking battles, and being proactive about meeting some of their needs.