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It was a hard year…
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Even though I havent been a constant poster over the years Ive been here, Ive always been lurking and kicking in when I have something to say. But I have been completely gone from this site since I planned my school year last fall. (This is coming up because Im back to planning again LOL.)
We started out pretty strong last fall, but over the Thanksgiving break, my 26 yr old sister in law (who had been staying with us for a few enjoyable weeks) died in our extra bedroom. I had to call my baby brother (who was away on business) and tell him that his wife died. It ended up being an undiagnosed cellular level heart defect that her father had also died from (but was not identified from his autopsy in the early 80s). Thankfully, she was a daughter of Jesus Christ, and we are assured in our Hope there.
But the last 6 months have been HARD. We didnt do school again til after the new year, and even then its been spotty. Things kinda were let go for a time being and now it seem too difficult to get it back together. The kids are doing what they want as long as Im not in the room, and I am not displaying any patience..my only response is anger and frusteration. Its like I can only get a positive response after I loose my stuff. I have one child that is difficult at the best of times, and I dont want to deal with him at all.
I am capable of getting stuff done, but currently dreading it. I need some encouragement. I need some ideas to have some actual fun with my kids. I know what I need to do to get the kids in line…Im just having troubles getting the heart to put it in action.
I apologize if this comes across whiny. Im getting tired of people trying to diagnose us with disorders instead of just realizing we are a family that is hurting and needs some support. I still have a desire to teach my kids–and putting them back in school wont make it all magically better. (Seems to be the response when I mention how hard things have been. One family member told me this was my choice to homeschool, implying that I wouldnt have this issue If i hadnt brought it on myself)
My kids are 12, 10, and 8. They were in the house when she died, but they didnt see her the morning I found her. Please be gentle….
Praying for your family. Grieving is a process and can’t be hurried, it sounds like you are all still working through it.
What about trying some fun studies for a bit? Choose a topic and have fun with it. For example the Amanda Bennett Unit studies are fun and internet linked so you don’t even have to make it to the library. The ones coming to mind depending on your kids:
scrapbooking
baseball
horses
Chocolate
Pizza
Digital Photography
cookies
popcorn
football
robots
cartoons
roller coasters
We do these occasionally and don’t feel the need to do everything in them, just have a daily half hour or hour that we gather as a family to explore the topic. Some are written with younger kids in mind but even my 12 year old has enjoyed them, others have links for younger and older students.
I don’t have any widsom. I just wanted to offer that I am so touched by your willingness to share. My family will be praying for peace and joy to envelop you all in His most perfect time.
(((((hugs))))
What a terrible, difficult year it has been! While I know you need to do the Mom thing and get the kids back in line, I would encourage you to hug your kiddos extra close and let them know you understand they are hurting too, and you will all get through this together. I suspect it will help them pull out of their bad behaviors more quickly.
I would also just plan to start school with the bare minimum basics and slowly add things back little by little as you re-establish the habits necessary to make your days go well. The life lessons your kids are learning now are so much more important to a successful life than mere academics. I will pray for you as you work through this with them.
((((((hugs))))) again.
I understand – I’m planning my year too and so I’m here ALL day long and I’m waiting to get kicked off the forum for over-posting!
I wish that I had a magic cure for you, but it sounds like you’re still grieving and while there maybe some things you can do, it’ll likely just take more time.
You’re right about putting your kids back in school – it won’t make it better (and could make that difficult one worse). In terms of getting things done, I’d just suggest baby steps, make a little list and start checking things off, give yourself rewards – maybe drop everything else completely until you’re ready to start the new school year and make sure you have lots of time during the day to just enjoy being together as a family. Plan some fun activities – just simple things. Baking cookies? Water Balloon fight? Things a little out of the ordinary. I don’t know – that seems trite, I hope you’ll see I’m suggesting in love and not to belittle your feelings or as a suggestion that these will “cure” you.
And then the best thing is to pray, pray, pray… we’ll be lifting you up in prayer too. It does make a difference and don’t be afraid to talk to a friend that has lost someone close to them, sometimes that’s necessary to work through the grieving process.
I have no wisdom either! Only an assurance that I’ll pray for you. And you could play games, read aloud, even watching movies together can be a little bonding and a bunch fun (and ice cream, or cookies, or treats that you don’t usually have). I agree with the suggestions for slowly getting back in the routine. Maybe creating a new routine – take the children’s input – they’re old enough to have opinions. You could work at two subjects a day – and pick them out of a jar or something until you all feel ready to be more consistent.
(((Hugs))) I just prayed for you. It can be hard when we are in the middle of a situation to see or even to believe that things will ever change, but I want to assure you that there will be brighter days! Take this time to be refreshed. Do things that help you feel better and make you appreciate those little things that bring you joy. Realizing that life is so fragile shows us the importance of living fully with all that we have. I pray that you find places to inspire you to be your best person in Jesus. As far as school goes, keep it basic. Focus on math and english, then encourage free reading pointing out science and history resources. Of course, spend time as a family praying and reading. As we keep our eyes off of us and onto Jesus and serving others, we will have a new joy and happiness that fulfills us. It can be hard when we are struggling to do this, but the rewards and blessings are amazing! May God bless you.
So very sad to hear your story. So sad that you are going through this. Please send my prayers to your family, including kids and your brother as well.
While this is surely not the same, maybe some of it will relate. When we got my cancer diagnosis last September, there were lots of dark days. Yelling, fighting, crying, general laziness, hopelessness, and crankiness. And the kids weren’t any better! 😉
Facing death as we were (are?), we ended up talking to the girls (ages 5 and 8) a lot at the time. Mostly I talked to them both about how sad I would be to leave them, how scared I was that they would be just too sad if I died, how thankful I was that they knew I would be going to heaven, how amazing it would be to meet Jesus… all sorts of very intimate thoughts. I tried to be as open and honest with them as I could be without scaring (or scarring) them. I asked them lots of practical questions about what they thought life would be like after I died, such as, “Who do you think will take you guys to swimming lessons?” “Do you think Daddy will still have to work at his job or should he just stay home with you and make pancakes all day?” “Do you still want to do school at home when Mommy’s not here to do it?” “Where do you think you guys will live? Stay here or move somewhere else? Is there somewhere you would like to go?”
Even with my patience at an all-time low and my frustration at an all-time high, it was simply amazing the things that were running through these girls’ heads. They inspired me to creep out of this funk I’d been in and get back to living.
Once my husband and I came off the shock of the diagnosis (several weeks worth of reeling), we were able to team up and confront some of these challenges. But then once I started chemo, it was awful again for about two more months.
Having cancer isn’t for sissies, and I can see that having a sudden, wrenching death in your family isn’t either.
Practical advice? Here’s some that rang true for me….Cut yourself some slack and figure out what your new normal should look like. Your priorities have likely shifted considerably. Make time for the things that matter, and forget about vacuuming (dishes, carpool, whatever you’re feeling stressed about) for a while. Concentrate on building family ties and healing at home first, before any outside commitments (even church). Do the basics for school and then have fun. Or have fun first, that’s what we did. We put school so far down on the list, that it wasn’t even on the stove, let alone a back burner. One thing I tried to do every day was get of the house. This might be extra important for you. Although I’ve got to add here that my dad died at home years ago (Hospice) and my mom still lives in that same ol’ place. There is nothing but happy memories surrounding that house. I pray that the same will happen with you guys. In time.
Blessings as you wade through this new territory. I pray you nothing but peace and calm as you draft up what your school year will look like. Know that whatever you do is perfect for you, for this time. Snuggle more.
Jenni
I am so sorry to hear of this sad news. I don’t know that we would be in any better shape emotionally or spiritually; it would be very hard, as you have said.
We will pray for your family and especially your brother.
You’ve been given some lovely advice so far. And we will all be praying for your family. One idea I did have was to take a break-ish. Perhaps having a daily theme might help you have some structure but spend quality time healing AND getting things done. Make Something Monday (cook a favorite snack, do an art project, etc). Take a Trip Tuesday (go somewhere fun!). Whatever Wednesday (choose something or let them do it). You get the idea. Along with that perhaps there is something that needs to get done in the house each day….vacuuming on Monday, pick up toys on Tuesday and so on. Slowly work back into a fuller schedule. You (and your kids) can learn TONS just by cuddling on the couch and reading good books.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’ve received good advice. Just wanted to say I’m praying for you and your family right now. I pray that time and slowly adding things will be healing for you and your family. Blessings, Gina
I am very sorry for your loss. It’s always hard losing a family member, but especially hard I think, when they are that young.
We lost my brother-in-law the end of February, after a 50+yr illness. My hubby was his caretaker (as well as for their mom). The last few months of his life were hard for us all. Our kids were very, very close to their uncle.
We did very minimal school this past semester. My middle son (oldest at home) was doing an online school so he had to plug through and finish, but with some difficulty. The other 2 just had a hard time focusing, as did my hubby and I. I can’t worry about being behind. We’ll just catch up as we can.
What is most important is letting your kids know it’s ok to hurt, you’re all hurting individually and as a family. Imagine how scary and frightening for them, that she passed in your home. I would just really focus on being a family, doing things together…. talking about what happened. School will always be there. Do something different, fun, but do it together.
I know God will bring healing to your hearts and homeschool. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Carol
That sounds like a tough year. ((hugs))
I would also start slow…work on just one subject a day and slowly add the rest in. Figure out what subjects you need to cover and make them a top priority. In our house, it’s Bible/scripture memory, math, phonics, history, and science. With CM’s shorter lessons, we can get these completed in an hour if we don’t dawdle.
That would leave the rest of the day to work on things like spending quality time together, habit training (just pick one to focus on), life skills/handicrafts, time outside, etc.
Not to “diagnose” you, but anger can often be a sign of depression. Spending time outside raises your vitamin D levels, which can help…as can excercise. A daily walk might do you all lots of good. At the minimum, it will give you all some fresh air and quality time together.
Also, for what it’s worth, my DC go back to doing as they please the second I leave the room.
I have to be present whenever they are getting school work done. If they don’t need my help I’m usually folding laundry in the same room. My oldest is getting better about it, but still often needs a reminder to get back to work. This is something we will be working on this year. Thank you all for the prayers, kind words, and suggestions. As you can imagine, some days are naturally harder than others. We just keep on getting on…iykwim.
Jenni–Saying prayers for you and your household as well. What is your current prognosis?
God bless you all
Oh. Dear sister.
Tough years are…well…tough. We’ve had our share of them with 2 of our 5 children being severely disabled. I can sympathize with your frustration. I have often needed to remind myself that homeschool is also HEARTschool. Keeping our children at home ALL DAY LONG exposes them to REAL life ALL DAY LONG. It’s not just academics in homeschool. It’s character training. It’s family support and reliance. It’s managing what the Lord feels necessary for us. It’s remembering that we “CAN do ALL things through Christ who gives us strength.” This is just a season- albeit a very difficult season. Give yourself some grace and know that the Holy Spirit fills in the gaps. You children ARE learning. They are learning life lessons necessary fir their future! Take some time to reconnect as a family with something fun… Breakfast for dinner in your PJs… Heck, even ice cream for dinner! Family game night. Writing a blessings list. Family camp out in the living room. Whatever is fun for you and your family that will help you laugh, destress, reconnect and refocus. You are doing a GREAT job and one day you WILL hear the Lord say “well done, thou good and faithful servant.”
I have to be present whenever they are getting school work done. If they don’t need my help I’m usually folding laundry in the same room. My oldest is getting better about it, but still often needs a reminder to get back to work. This is something we will be working on this year. 
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