Is this rude?

I”m not trying to be picky, but I don’t get it.

Why only Cinderella and Snow White? Of course I’m not really asking you to answer, but it just stood out to me since DD’s favorite princess is Mulan, who we happened to meet at Disney. Coincidentally, DD has never seen the movie, but she identified with the princess who is Asian like her.

And while I think it is totally appropriate to say “in lieu of gifts … ” or “no gifts please, your presence is gift enough” or something like that … I do think it is a bit odd to be that specific. I guess I wouldn’t call it rude, but yes, strange to me. Now if you were to say “only Cinderella and Snow White” I’m sorry to say but my little girl would probably not be coming b/c I would wonder why you only allowed exposure to those two.

Our children receive many twaddly gifts, but for me I can’t bring myself to tell grandma or whoever, that I don’t like the gift or I don’t want my children to have it once it is already chosen and given.  I think it sends a message to that person that their standards in choosing the gift wasn’t good enough.  If the gift to my children is something I don’t think will harm my children, I thank the giver, let my children play with the toy, and eventually tuck it away in drawer, then storage, then either the garbage pail or the give away pile depending on what it is.  If it is something I don’t my children exposed to at all, like a  movie I don’t like, I just explain simply to my children later why it isn’t something I think is good to watch.  If the giver of a gift that is a big no-no for me is someone that will likely be continuing to give gifts to my children, I tell them next time a gift would be expected  things that are out that I’m not comfortable with and why.  If asked by relatives and close friends gift suggestions, I very happily give very detailed description of the things I would like for them!

For many parents, writing what you described on the invitation won’t be any issue as we all have differences in what we like our children to have.  But for some parents who don’t have  a conviction against disney, it could come across the wrong way.   Perhaps you could write “gifts are not expected, but if you choose to bring a gift in leiu of toys, my daughter could use _____”.  Things to suggest in that category might be poetry books, educational games, ballerina, sports or yard equipment.”  You may expect a gift to be bought, but I think if you are being specific it would be polite to allow a parent to respectfully opt out if you aren’t secure with their gift choices.  

I  remember at my child’s preschool, the adminstrator wrote in the letter to the parents that the teachers liked manicures, gift certificates, and some other things I wasn’t planning to buy.  And it presumed, that because it was Christmas, I was automatically going to give a gift.  It took the joy of giving the gift away for me because I it was presumed I would give the gift, and I was told what to give.   It  also made me feel that my gifts of homemade sachets, cookies, note cards, and the like were unappreciated.  IMHO, a gift is something the giver should choose and not the receiver.   Someone who wouldn’t choose a good gift shouldn’t be put in a position to be expected to give one.  Except, I do understand the purpose of bridal and baby registries to prevent the couple having to return 10 toasters or 30 receiving blankets.    

Just say “No gifts, please” and be done with it.  IMHO, this is the best option.  The gifts part at a birthday party is often the worst part.  

Unless, of course, you are really wanting to do gifts.  In that case, gratefully accept whatever is given.  You can discuss with your daughter afterwards.  

Years ago, my mother gave my daughter the Disney Cinderella movie.   Although my husband and I were opposed to it and never would have bought that movie, we let her keep it.  I always kept it at the back of the movies where it wasn’t in plain sight, but did let her watch it if she specifically asked.  Turns out that it didn’t do any real damage and she is still a strong Christian with strong convictions today.  🙂 My point is that we sometimes make these things out to be a bigger deal than they really are.  That doesn’t mean that I’m telling you to back off of your convictions – just that we sometimes worry a little too much about stuff like this.  Take it from someone who has been there and done that.

Our dc have birthday parties each year, usually just family but sometimes friends. My family always ask what they would like so I give them some ideas but let them choose. The friends’ parents may ask, and again, I give some ideas but let them choose. My younger dc like to give favors as a thank you (we don’t always do them, of course) and love to pick out the little prizes for their friends.

If/when we are invited to parties I always ask parents what their dc might like and appreciate the ideas; it’s too hard to make so many choices (I have enough of my own, LOL). One time we were invited to a party and there was a list of ideas in the invite…I thought that to be a good idea and a strange idea. Personally, I would only do that for family that ALWAYS ask, not for playmate families. And, since my dc always hear me asking “so and so” what he/she might like for their bdays, my dc ask me if anyone has asked the same thing when it’s their bdays. I always tell my dc that it is kind of rude to tell people what you want unless they ask. If they don’t ask, then you graciously receive what they choose to give you. The reason we go through all this drama is that we don’t ever buy our dc toys unless it is Christmas or bdays. And even then, they don’t receive near as much as some kids I’ve seen, but still more than others.

Have a great bday party!!!

“I always tell my dc that it is kind of rude to tell people what you want unless they ask. If they don’t ask, then you graciously receive what they choose to give you”

That’s how I was raised and what we teach, too. Thankfully, people have always asked-both friends and family.

I realized my first line sounded a little jumbled. It should’ve been written:

I don’t think it’s rude to put a note of no D. princesses, please, but may seem strange to the recipients to only specify those two. I do that with my family (I’m VERY specific), but not friends unless they ask (which they always do anyway, so it’s a mute point.

You could even put on the invite: if you have any questions about (insert dd’s name here) interests, please don’t hesitate to ask when you RSVP; or something along those lines, which may provide a subtle opening. Just an idea.

Hope she has a great B-day!

Rachel

ps: keep in mind, that if these are good friends of yours, then they may already know your views and probably wouldn’t buy the wrong items in the first place or they’d ask because they know you’re particular. Just an assumption.

I, too, think it would sound a little strange to be that specific, but I would still go to the party. I would hope my child wouldn’t end up with six Snow Whites.

I am one, though, who would rather no one bring gifts at all. Or I’ve thought about collecting money for Gospel for Asia or Compassion, something like that. Instead of a gift, we would like a donation of 2 dollars from each family in order to gift chickens to a family in Asia. Something like that.

Otherwise, if you’re doing regular gifts, I’d say no D. princesses, period.

I think computers make what we say and how it sounds two very different things.

I think you might have 2 options – one say nothing as most people will give her a gift reciept and you could just take it back and exchange it or if they don’t might be a great way to teach giving to a good cause or save and re-give for the holidays.

my other options has been mentioned – no gifts please – I think it rude to specify to friends but not if it was family.  Or if you just say no princesses, as i have said no barbies thanks in advance for your understanding.

Just my 2 cents.  Misty