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I'm losing my son :(
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My son is 12. He is our oldest. He is trying so hard to pull away and be independent. He has tried making his own schedule and working alone all day. And now he is pleading with us to let him go to public school. He has barely any friends. We used to go to a home church and everything was fine. For reasons I can’t go into we left the home church and are now attending a baptist church down the road. No one is homeschooled there. He also has one cousin he is close with that goes to ps and tells him how great it is and all that he is learning. My son is not self motivated. I’ve tried getting him materials to study on his own “like the big kids at school” do and he doesn’t do it even though he asked for it.
I am pg and have been sicker than sick. He honestly was afraid I was gonna die. At one point I think the thought of me having an abortion crossed his mind so that I wouldn’t be sick anymore. I feel like he just wants to be “normal” like his cousin or the kids at church. You know, no offense to anyone here if you’re “normal”, but just have 1 or 2 siblings, your own room, lots of friends, etc…..
I am crushed here. Lost and have no idea what to do or where to go from here. He isn’t on grade level. It’s my fault. I haven’t been consistent. I’ve been pg or nursing for 3 years now. Sick with the pg’s or sick with gallbladder or whatever else is going around. There is always a sick kid. My baby was hospitalized with MRSA last month. Had surgery and stayed for 3 days. I mean seriously for a non-motivated, non-independent kid how much school work is gonna get done???????
Any advice or prayers would be appreciated. Thanks!
Nina, I will pray for your situation – I can understand where your boy is coming from – he is feeling different and is getting pressure from the outside to fit in and he can’t. However I am not certain PS is the answer, you worry you are losing him now, it will likely be worse in PS. Do you not have a homeschool group in your area you can involve yourself in, and get him involved in – that might help. My daughters had few friends during their years homeschooling and only now that they are older and have other interests have they made friends – but they do not regret it, they appreciated the fact that they did not have all the peer pressure and things that go with PS. I don’t have any other advice to offer you as I am not really certain where the problem is – so I will see if anyone else has any ideas. I will pray though. Linda
Thanks Linda for offering to pray! We are a part of 2 hs groups. He just hasn’t made any connections. We have tried but it seems everyone already has “enough friends”. We live atleast 20 min away from everyone in our groups, if not further. And that seems to deter people from wanting to hang out or get together, even though I go their direction all the time 🙁
One other thought, does he have hobbies, perhaps you could get him involved in something that really interests him, and then he would likely make friends through that – if he does not have hobbies, maybe you could encourage him to find something that he would find interesting and enjoyable – at 12 it is not too late to regain his heart and soul, it is a good time to try and regain that if it is lost. I am a great fan of Sonya’s works and her book Laying Down the Rails is superb at habit training – maybe some training in good habits would do him some good. I know we can all use that training from time to time, and it is not too late for him to learn good habits – or for you either. I have had to retrain myself from time to time in the things I do or don’t do and that is such a good book. Blessings to you. Linda
Hi Nina,
I am so sorry you are struggling in this area. I can relate on some level, but obviously not all, but will share what I have had to do (and continue to do).
My oldest is 12 as well. He is a good kid, well-mannered, bright and well liked. He went to ps for 2 years/2 months . He had always wanted to be homeschooled but I was not ready and didn’t think I ever would be, but needless to say, he was pulled out when he was almost 8yo. It was very rough in the beginning (my fault, not his), but it has gotten much better (he’d say he loves his homeschool now). His biggest complaint was that he didn’t have any friends. My heart ached for him. I could see the caged animal pacing around inside of him because he felt so trapped and as if he had no control over the matter. I just couldn’t take that. We have since joined a homeschool group and get together with the group 1xper week (and some field trips here and there), and we try to do what we can when other activities are available. I do not allow him to dictate our lives (his personality is so not like that anyway), but I do try to see where he is coming from and validate his feelings/need for socialization on a reg. basis. He has always complained about not having friends (his closest ‘friend’ moved away last year, broke his heart) so, of course, he has thought that ps would fix all of that. Well, I have explained to him that you may gain one friend but at the cost of everything else (homework for hours, no time for extras, no freedom of learning style, pacing yourself, etc.). He understands but once in awhile that ‘idea’ of what ps is rears its ugly head and we have have our conversation all over again. One of the other thing he has brought up is that when he has bday parties he doesn’t have any friends to invite. I so know how that feels. So, this year we made sure that 2 of his homeschool group buddies were able to be here. That has helped him feel ‘normal’.
I feel for him, I really do, so I know what you are going through (to a degree)….I have had to just pray, pray and pray that my son will understand that this lifestyle can provide so much more than a ps experience can. He has asked about Private Christian HS…don’t know. I don’t know that I want to give up what CM and hsing can bring.
Also, I wanted to add that my experience so far (with my kids) is that when they are young and don’t desire to be away from you that these are the easy years. My 8yo and 5yo do not request the same amount of social outlets as my oldest (and really it is not near as bad as some, but still, we have to deal with it on some level). I believe that giving in to my son and going to ps would only widen the gap and honestly make him think that at 12 he calls the shots, iykwim? I just have to keep listening to him and realize that he is a social being and make efforts to accomodate that when I can. I absolutely do not want him to walk away from being homeschooled and act as if he was more imprisoned than he would be as a ps student. They truly are ‘imprisoned’ (in a way), but he just doesn’t really realize that.
BTW, we belong to a very small congregation of Baptist believers so it’s not like he’s making any friends there either. But, he understands that ‘large’ youth groups don’t always produce genuine Christians. I just have to remember that he is only 12 and doesn’t always know how to deal with these feeling of change that he is going through and will be going through for several years to come. I just need to be there (well, my husband, too:)
I hope this is helpful. I just wanted to encourage you and to let you know that you are not alone. Blessings.
Thanks my3boys and Linda!!!! I appreciate your responses. He wants to be social but he is… let’s say… socially ackward. My 2nd son is much more outgoing than him. So when they are together he definetly outshines my oldest. I do need to work on getting him involved in something all his own. I just don’t know what?????? He is an awesome artist. I guess I could start searching for something with that in mind for him. I know what you mean 😉 My heart breaks for him on a continual basis. I know sending him to ps wouldn’t solve anything. It would just make it worse. I could just see today that his heart was being ripped apart. All he heard was me saying “no no no no no”. I wasn’t saying that. But I know him and how his mind works.
I have Laying Down the Rails but haven’t read it yet. It will be first on my list. I don’t have any going right now. So tonight we will start 🙂 And Linda when you said it’s not too late even for me to form some new habits…. I totally needed that 😉 Thanks!!!
My son takes a pottery/clay class (wheel ‘n all) and loves it. He’s funny, he’s not super social either…when he left ps he didn’t even know any of the kids’ names. He has memories that don’t even exist. He’s in Upwards right now and as much as he has enjoyed it he hasn’t formed any friendships with the kids. Mind you, they don’t have lots of time together, but if you ask him, he may not even know their names. I have told him that if I involve him in such and such for the purpose of meeting new kids then he needs to make the effort…he needs to pursue…he needs to stretch…he’s somewhat of an introvert. He knows this about himself so he knows that when I make the effort he needs to, too. I hate to say it, but he can be a little blue at times (that worries me, he’s not super expressive)…..when he is talkative, then I need to be ready to listen cause that may not happen for another day or two. Oh, dear, I may be describing him in such a negative light and I don’t mean to….but…
I guess what I am trying to say is….you can only do so much (I have told my son this) then the rest is up to him. I don’t cater to him, but he is involved in something daily (outside of the house)…right now his schedule is very fulfulling. He takes an extreme sports class that has let him be a ‘real’ boy in a controlled environment. Just as a side note, he is in karate, too. I know I am offering enough, so like I said, the rest is up to him.
If he is a talented artist, do try and find him somewhere to explore his talent further – and don’t worry too much, both my girls are pretty quiet but they have gotten better as they got older and found their own place in the scheme of things. I am constantly evaluating where I am as a person and strive to find areas to improve, after all these years there are still way too many areas lol…I might need a lot of lifetimes to become the person I want to be. Be gentle in this difficult season both with yourself and your children, it does pass. Linda
Well after our back & forths here 🙂 I talked with him a bit more. He kept asking me, “What’s wrong Mom?” I would tell him nothing and really I tried not to show him how upset I was. He is so sensative and hates to say or do anything that will hurt my feelings. Anyway, I started asking him questions about if he would like to try an art class and try to get together a little more with some kids from our hs group. He said he would like that. I said something about maybe taking him and a friend skating sometime or something like that. He said he would like that too:) But he would still like to go to ps. I asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed and he made a new friend and spent time with him and then he decided to go to ps and wouldn’t have time for him anymore. Well he wouldn’t like that very much 🙁 I am not sure if I am making more mistakes by asking these questions. I’m not trying to talk him out of how he feels just trying to get him to think out of the box a little. Later he asked me not to say anything to Dad about him wanting to go to ps. I asked why and he said he wanted to try the suggestions I mentioned earlier. So that was nice, but I don’t know how long it will last 🙁
Again thanks for your help ladies. If you have anything to add or say please do!! I appreciate it!!
My son has been the same way sometimes. I find that we have to ‘iron it out’ ocassionally. That usually happens when he makes a friend (and I mean someone who may actually come over, like he thinks ps kids do all the time), then that friend starts ps or moves away. He feels, at times, like it’s not even worth trying. Then we turn a corner and he finds other kids that are just as interesting as the other kid (not like they are disposable, but he is figuring out that there are a lot of people in this world that are worth getting to know).
I think the best thing you can do is talk to him…as much as he wants to. Not beat a dead horse, just when the time is right. Usually once we talk it out (weigh our pros/cons), really talk about it he sees where he has more freedoms to learn what/how he needs/pursue his interests/meet a variety of people…you get the picture, then he ever would in ps.
Now, his close-in-age cousin was hs this school year but will be returning for highschool in the Fall. So, we’ll see how that works out then. This cousin is a good kid and they get along really well…he hs this year because he didn’t have a life outside of school/1 sport, so he wanted to give it a try. He has enjoyed it, but wants to go to ps for the sports program. He doesn’t have a lot of influence over my son, but I do know that my son has ‘seen’ the friends over and the ‘independence’ his cousin has. I think my son will see that there are negatives to that as well, given the time.
He does have other cousins that hs as well, but having observed for himself other styles, he is very satisfied with ours. That is after much tweaking, praying, talking, ironing it all out….several times.
Not trying to bash ps here, btw:) God Bless you…
I love talking with him. He has such a sweet heart!!! He is genuine and real and I don’t ever want that to change. Like your son when he is ready to talk serious it’s time to listen for sure. He isn’t one that opens up deep alot. That is why it has been hurting my heart soooo much 🙁 I know it has been hard for him to open up with the chance of hurting my feelings.
What about a homeschool co-op? Or hanging out once a month or twice a month with a homeschool group? It might help him feel “normal” in the essence of he’s not the only homeschooled kid in the world. 😉
Hi, Nina:
As I was reading your posts here, I felt a pause-and-think moment when I read that your son asked you not to say anything to his dad about wanting to go to ps. Is he close to his dad? Is he concerned that Dad will be disappointed or upset about his wanting to attend ps? He sees that you are upset about it, yet he still opens up to you, which is great–and understandable, since moms are generally viewed as the gentle nurturing souls in the family.
Is it possible–and I’m just saying what comes to mind since I don’t know your family–that perhaps your son would thrive with a bit of extra father-son time? If there is something they could do together on a regular basis or even just have an evening out together once a week or every two weeks, that might build an even stronger relationship that would begin to fill the void he seems to be experiencing now.
I know that my 12yo daughter has begun to treasure time with Mom, especially doing more grown-up things like grocery shopping together or planning a sibling’s birthday party. We even enjoy times that we are simply talking in the car more ever since she became old enough to sit in the front seat….it’s a little thing, but it’s a bit more like ‘friend-to-friend’ than only ‘mother-daughter.’ I think it is possible that the relationship can work this way between sons and fathers, so it might be a good thing to see if the two of them can get together now and then without the rest of the family.
Praying for you,
Sue
AussieMummy… great thinking. We have a co op but we haven’t been old enough to participate. I will have to check and see what the grade level is. Maybe next year he will be old enough finally 🙂
Sue – You are so very right!!!! When I was reading your post it hit hard in my heart!! My hubby and I were just talking about our relationships with our children last night. I believe you are on to something!!! Thank you sooooo much! We used to do things more one on one with our children. But we haven’t been lately. We can tell a huge difference in their behavior when we let this time slide. But I didn’t even think about what it could do as they get older. I have been noticing alot of changes with him as he is getting closer to being a teen.
Thanks again to everyone who has prayed for us or had some encouraging words.
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