I now understand the "mourning period" of the past

It is difficult and emotions are raw and painful – it takes time and oftentimes people do not understand especially those who have not experienced loss. I always feel that grief is a very personal thing that no-one but you can understand. When my mother died, it was an awful time, circumstances, all the emotions which go with loss were very difficult – not even my hubby could quite understand what I was going through…a few years later his own mother died, and I think he was shocked at the depth of his grief, even though he was not close to her. So I think it is time to take time to grieve in the personal way that feels right to you…so many try to ignore it, or rush through the stages, but that is never wise…we need to come to terms and honor our loved ones and honor our own emotions and feelings, even if we have to do it alone and in prayer with Our Father. I will pray for you. Linda

Most definitely, Sara. It does take time; and there is no one who can prescribe a ‘time limit’ for mourning for another person. Each person’s needs will be as unique as the relationship we had with the one we are mourning. Especially with children, it is difficult to take the time to just process all of the emotions, thoughts, and reflections. If you are not already, I encourage you to journal; there will be sweet balm there as the Lord speaks to you through His word and prayer. My sister and one of my closest friends died within two months of one another and now my dad has about 2 months to live. It can be mind-numbing. It is a good opportunity for the children to learn to serve the one that serves them so faithfully! I also encourage you to take the time you need and be willing to say no to even regular activities for awhile. Cocooning with our family and seeking out the new normal can help facilitate the easing back into life. I will be praying for you.

Blessings,

Cindy

Sara – I am sorry for your loss.  About six months ago I lost my big brother completely unexpectedly.  I can tell you that it is okay to say no, to sit and stare at the wall, to cry, to be upset, to be happy about their life, to feel any range of emotions.  I have lost several members of my family, including my younger sister 5 years ago at Christmas, but even with all my experiences with grief, I wasn’t prepared for the emotional toll his death was for me.  I still have grieving moments, unexpected ones…where my emotions go all wacky.  It is okay.  Take your time.  Grieve how you need to – don’t do anything you don’t feel up to for a little while.  It will ease, and you will find that you are ready to take back your life.  Hugs to you.  Sheila

Sara, please take your time. Each person goes through this differently and there’s not a once size fits all approach to grieving. G-d designed you, not the grieving experts. I am as close to one of my grandmother’s as I am to my mom and I am dreading the day.

Since you referenced the past in the way people mourned, may I share something that maybe will help you look differently at what you think you should be doing (forgive the length):

Summarizing Jewish tradition, for an immediate family member, the 7 days following the burial is completely set aside for mourning; one doesn’t cook or even leave the house; you don’t even leave the house to observe the Sabbath; prayer services are held in the home. You’re not expected to put on make-up or do anything for personal pleasure, except on the Sabbath. The community handles the food-everything, so that you can just mourn and not be distracted by the physical. There are special prayers just for mourning that focus on the goodness of G-d. A Memorial candle burns daily-a 24 hour candle -for seven days-everytime you look at it, you remember the light they brought to you. The mourner is not expected to provide for any visitors-you’re not a host. Talking w/visitors consists of memories, life and legacy of the loved one, nothing else, initiated by you so you aren’t compelled to respond to others, which takes a large amount of energy during this time.

After the seven days have past, one leaves the house for the first time. Then for the next 23 days, you don’t attend parties or celebrations. For one who has lost a parent, a 12 month period after the burial of mourning is expected, with a special daily prayer being said and other prohibitions. After that time has passed, the deceased is remembered on the anniversary of their death w/the memorial candle and mourning prayer at home and at the synagogue, as well at other cyclical holidays. Other remembrance acts are done as well.

My point here isn’t for you to emulate (and generally the traditions are different for a grandparent); my point here is to show you that the pressure to push down the grief, to avoid talking about the deceased (either because you’re in public, at church or it makes others uncomfortable) or to at least speak in shallow comments concerning death and expecting the mourner to go about their regular lives is a modern occurrence; our modern society doesn’t like to deal with the reality of death. However, G-d has created cyclical seasons of birth, life, and death; and we, too are a part of that. It’s okay to say no, even to your husband; you need to be able to start crying and/or praying at any time, during this time, and not have to put on a facade of coping or deal with people disrupting you and your family at this time.

Enjoy the memories of your grandmother, encourage your children to talk about her; share the stories she shared of herself with you and of your childhood, look at pictures. Pass down her legacy-it is a blessing. Her spirit becomes alive there with you when that happens and it is a comfort.