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I need advice: I have a child I don't like!!
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Oh boy, that is hard to type. I love all of my children. Howver, there is one child that I struggle to like. This has been going on for years. I often think that if she were an or associate or neighbor, I would be cordial, but never develop a friendship with her. Our personalities are not compatable.
She is a rather negative, critical person. She is very self absorbed. Yes, she is a teen and all can be that way. But she has always been this way- even when she was little. She is never satisfied with anything I do. I am never meeting her expectations. IF she says 50 things to me- 49 and 1/2 are negative or “I want” or “I need you to…”. She has to be made – always- to do her share around here. Let’s face it- she doesn’t. She does that bare minimum with no initiative to do beyond. And she only does that because she is forced. Not out of the goodness of her heart.
We spend more money on her hobbies than anyone else, we spend more time on her as well. She certainly gets plenty of attention from us all.
She can be quite fun-loving with her siblings but is quick to criticize and shout at them. She is demanding with them all.She is always right. They are always wrong. They take it fairly well. But I see them begin to shun her at times also. She is not particulary loving and affectionate in the way the rest of us are. No one else in our family behaves this way.
She is the one that is the cause of most of the grief between sibilings and most of the drama. She is not disrepectful – at least we accomplished that! But we just don’t get along. My husband agrees that she is difficult to enjoy being around – although he only deals with her in snippets so he has more patience.
His only comment to me really is that I have to give more grace. Oh, I want to. My heart hurts over this. It feels like a loss. I have such a great relationship with my 3 other children, but not her. I had a great relationship with my mother. I wanted that for us, but I fear it is not possible. Advice on how to cope? Is there any hope for a change? What have I done wrong? I don’t want this to negatively affect her adult life. Ugh!!!
The first thing that comes to mind is “you CAN do all things THROUGH CHRIST who strengthens you!” This is exactly the type of thing that this verse is referring to. We are called to love our children and families and if Love is patient, kind, long-suffering, full of grace, forgiving and humble, then you can be who and what your daughter needs…through Christ. You need to take this to the Lord in prayer and do not stop praying about this! Verbally give all negative feeling towards your daughter to God. And you may need to KEEP doing this over and over. The Lord knows your daughter’s heart and He knows exactly what it will take to bring her into your family in a wholesome and loving way. The Holy Spirit is willing and WANTING to help you in this! God has not given this child to you by mistake, with God you are able to love her fully and to teach her the way she will receive. Yes, it is up to her to decide to receive correction and teaching, etc. but do not underestimate the power of your consistent prayers. Pray. And daily, hourly if needed, ask the Holy Spirit to speak and act through you in this situation so that it is not your words and actions but HIS!
My heart was saddened for you when I read your post and I can understand how difficult this would be. I really do. I really want you to know, though, that there IS HOPE! More than hope even, if you choose to have faith and let the Holy Spirit work through you. He can give you the exact words and actions in every interaction that you have with your daughter in order to be exactly what is needed to get through to her on a deeper and lasting level.
I hope that this makes sense to you and that it does not sound harsh or critical or scolding in any way. I really wanted only to encourage you!
Blessings to you and your daughter! You are both dearly loved!
-Miranda
So I think the biggest thing is just to pray. This may be a long term project so keep at it.
If this were any other relative I’d say it’s up to you to endure it and just to respond graciously, but because this is your child and you are charged with training her, I think you also need to discuss some specific issues with her. Pick just one particular thing to start with and make sure you are calm when you bring it up. I am envisioning something like “I noticed that you were kind of harsh when you asked yor sister to do such and such. I think if you ask people more kindly they will be more willing to accommodate you.” It sounds like her personality will put others off too and I think you will be doing her a service to let her know this now when she is young. You may even need to be more blunt at some point and tell her that she is likely to lose friends if she doesn’t change. I don’t imagine this will endear you to her but you are the best person in her life to tell her this. That’s what moms of girls are for 😉
That’s my $.02
Nebby
I could write that post myself. Mine would differ in that my dd8 has special needs…which makes me feel worse when I don’t have the patience needed to love her the way she needs it. I won’t be helpful right now as we are really struggling these past few days and my heart hurts. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.
Just thought of something…In addition to the other good advice mentioned above, place a small picture of your dd on a piece of paper in a journal, or similar, and write all of her good qualities around her photo. This will be esp helpful when all you see are “bad” things. Refer to it often! Does that make sense?
Totally agree with prayer!
Also, I could be way out in left-field here, but have you considered Asperger’s? So many possible signs (that I see in my own family, many of whom I think would be considered Asperger’s if we were evaluated)… very matter-of-fact, low emotional IQ, self-absorbed, always right… is she intentionally inconsiderate of others, or does she simply not notice or comprehend others’ needs around her? Many of my family members are completely oblivious to others’ emotions or burdens. We don’t mean it in any vindictive way, but we are just totally oblivious a lot. We have to be specifically asked to help with things (like, say, clearing the dishes after a meal) because we get lost in our own little thought-worlds and don’t notice the needs around us. We don’t mind helping (once we get out of our own heads), but us actually remembering to offer first is kind of like a more “normal-emotions” person taking on calculus 😛 And it is hard not to get upset when people accuse you of being mean or selfish or inconsiderate when you are simply oblivious. And if the people around you aren’t similar type to you, you also start noticing after awhile that you don’t “fit in”, and can be pretty hard on yourself as a result–and lash out at others in frustration with your own inadequacy. She may need specific help learning skills like empathy, much more specific than you think a person should need.
Another avenue to look at it if you’re not comfortable with that “disease” point of view (totally get that) might be Myers-Briggs types–ENTJ in particular, which is very uncommon in girls and so therefore can be pretty off-putting if you don’t understand it. You might be able to get some really good insight into how her mind works, and ideas for how to better engage her and help her with her weaknesses.
I would actually like to also second vikingkirken’s advice on causes and as a look at her possible point of view. Just to look at it as a possible reason for things. If there is any truth to this, it will be of GREAT value to you in learning and knowing how to better train, help, teach and communicate with her.
I know my son needs extremely detailed and straightforward, step by step training in empathy because he just DOES NOT see things from another’s point of view naturally. He has become better over time, with intentional training, though. We chose not to go the professionally labelled route with him for many reasons, but he would be considered Aspergers. He also has difficulty with sensory processing and so we realize that his brain is wired differently and so thinks in a completely different way than we seem to. It really does help to know these things so that we can come from a different angle when seeking solutions, helps, training and teaching methods, etc.
I experienced pretty intense struggle in my family (well an in law) and I have to say that now that it is much better I am very grateful for the experience. It brought me down on my knees and helped me to grow a lot.
It is hard but it is all for you and her siblings to grow from.
Sounds like she needs a lot of prayers.
You are not alone. I have one of these children too. It can be so hard. I pray that things will improve.
Linabean or vikingkirken, can you recommend a book or website specifically for helping Asperger’s children to learn to respond better?
I have been watching videos from here…. http://www.aspergerexperts.com/ and I have tried a few things that they mentioned and we are making head way and progressing. I am purchasing the digital asperger’s 101 breaking the barriers within the week and I have a friend and her son has been medically diagnosed. She is fairly wealthy and has spent thousands upon thousands with therapist etc. over the past few years and since she began homeschooling this year is making more headway quicker. She is also using techniques from these guys but her son is still seeing a therapist twice a week as well. HTH She offered to send me her asperger’s library but she could not really say that anything she had was life changing for her. She did recommend the movie on netflix called Temple Grandin and her books. I did check them out of the local library. Here are some of the common signs….
Children with Asperger’s syndrome may:
- Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others’ body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking.
- Dislike any changes in routines.
- Appear to lack empathy.
- Be unable to recognize subtle differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of others’ speech. So your child may not understand a joke or may take a sarcastic comment literally. And his or her speech may be flat and hard to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent.
- Have a formal style of speaking that is advanced for his or her age. For example, the child may use the word “beckon” instead of “call” or the word “return” instead of “come back.”
- Talk a lot, usually about a favorite subject. One-sided conversations are common. Internal thoughts are often verbalized.
- Avoid eye contact or stare at others.
- Have unusual facial expressions or postures.
- Be preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about. Many children with Asperger’s syndrome are overly interested in parts of a whole or in unusual activities, such as designing houses, drawing highly detailed scenes, or studying astronomy. They may show an unusual interest in certain topics such as snakes, names of stars, or dinosaurs.
- Have delayed motor development. Your child may be late in learning to use a fork or spoon, ride a bike, or catch a ball. He or she may have an awkward walk. Handwriting is often poor.
- Have heightened sensitivity and become overstimulated by loud noises, lights, or strong tastes or textures.
My daughter has similar traits that you list in your post as it could have been about my daughter….
I’m reading all the posts for myself, you aren’t alone. It makes me feel like an awful person, because my dislike is so strong. Mine was born super strong willed and has ruined the dynamics/relationships/peace in our home, and I constantly look for ways to avoid provoking her, ways to encourage, foster closeness, but my other children aren’t like that either (well, two other are strong-willed but not like her). So my heart hurts for you as mine does each day.
Anama5 – Have you read Way of the Will from SCM. It really changed my view of “strong willed” children in a good way
I just wanted to say that I can empathize. My son is 19 and can be very hard to deal with. For some reason, he seems to find it so difficult to speak with kindness. His words aren’t hateful-they just seem rude and negative. I struggle just to have a normal conversation with him without getting terribly frustrated.
Then sometimes, he’s great and we have a lovely time together. Those times are rare unfortunately. I think he’s just so wrapped up in his own little world that he’s not paying very much attention to the rest of us.
I’m just trying really hard to show him that I love him unconditionally but I don’t always succeed. I’m reminded of a book I’ve seen around titled “How To Hug a Porcupine”. I’ve never read it but this thread brought it to mind.
Sarah-thanks for recommending The Way of the Will. I really enjoyed reading that blog series. 🙂
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