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I don’t know what to do…help please.
- This topic has 13 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 16 years, 4 months ago by
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I am having problems with my 12 yr dd (7th grade). I have had problems with her for the last 2 or 3 years. The problems are with her schoolwork and attitude. Each year I hope that things will get better but they don’t (I have homeschooled her from the beginning). I have switched around curriculum over the years thinking that was the problem. It’s not. It’s her attitude. She is a chronic complainer. Gripes about everything. I have 4 other children ages 10,5,4,and 1. My 10 yr old is a girl too and they are complete opposite. My 10 yr old has no problem finishing her assignments (very well I might add)and has a good attitude overall and does well. I continue to lower my expectations of my 7th grader but things just keep getting worse. Here are some examples:
– Does NOT like school work. Does everything she can to get out of it or she will procrastinate as long as she can.
– When she does do her school work it is sloppy and not well done. The work is NOT hard. Her sister (a 4th-5th grader does better sometimes with the SAME assignment)
-Has ALWAYS complained HORRIBLY about the reading that I assign. For instance, she is reading the book “Rascal” and has just now come to me to tell me that it is WAY too boring and she can’t understand anything in it and the chapters are too long. I pick out good, quality literature for her each year and she ends up not reading them. There is always something wrong with it. She loves to read and is on the 18th book in a series call the “Red Rock Mysteries.” Her reading and comprehension scores are good.I can’t get her to read good quality classic books!!
-She always wants to be with friends or have friends over. She always talks about how other kids her age have lives that are soooo much better than hers. She says she wishes we didn’t have a big family because then we could do more things – that there would be less noise and chaos and less messes to clean up.
She simply doesn’t care. I can only “ground” her and take away privelages so many times. The only thing to take away is computer time which has been restricted to weekends only hoping to get her to focus on her school work more. I think this whole thing is a heart issue – I just don’t know what to do to change it.
Her strengths are that she loves to take care of her baby sister, loves to cook and make meals, and trys to keep things fresh and clean (even though she doesn’t brush her hair or straighten her room like she should each day). She likes to look at decorating magazines and is always wanting me to buy stuff for the house.
Our will be brutally honest here – I just do not like her right now! I have been contemplating putting her in school but when I bring it up she begs me not to send her. How can she be made accountable?
Thanks in advance for any hope, encourgement, or advice you can give. Please do not hold back.
Thanks
Momtofive,
I don’t have any great words of wisdom for you, I’m sorry, but I just wanted to let you know that you are heard and wanted to send you hugs, and more importantly I am lifting up you and your daughter in prayer.
(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
I have a 12 yr old now and I know that it can be hard to like them all the time. You did mention that you think this is a heart issue. I will try to communicate what I have heard recommended.
Make her heart your priority. Drop everything else for a little while if you need to. Find something that you can share with each other. For my daughter and I, we shared books. I tried to listen via http://www.librivox.org to some of her favorite books so that we can talk about them. Then I took her out to Starbuck’s once a week to talk about the books. We took a knitting class together. I try to find and assign her books to read that will inspire and bless her heart. These are books that I wouldn’t necessarily choose. For example, she LOVES dogs and wolves. So I try to always include a good book in her schoolday on this topic.
My point is, win her heart back. Do things together. Limit time with other friends but fill up the empty space with yourself. She may hate you for a while, but then will love you for it.
Keep in mind that there are hormonal issues going on here too probably. And she just may not be scholarly. That is just how the Lord has wired her. She seems to love mothering, what a gift!!!! But, I would be careful to lay too much responsibility on her. I’ve seen that in my friend’s family. The oldest two girls do everything. The mom doesn’t even cook or do laundry or change diapers. The girls resent it. Our family is still our responsibility as the mom, but we can’t do everything, either. There must be a fine balance.
Even with just 4 children, it is a constant challenge for me to give each of them quality, one on one time. Make it happen. Take her with you to the grocery store and stop for a treat together. Go to an antique shop together. Check out craft books from the library and let her “decorate” the house. Reserve a good girl movie from the library and give her special time after the others go to bed to watch it with her (and maybe 10yr old sister). Have a girl day once in a while and paint your toe nails together!! I know it sounds silly, but it is amazing how much these silly little things mean to them. Once her heart is “full” she will do better with school. Pray to see how you can tailor her education to who she is and how she learns.
This is all probably preaching to the choir, but these are things I have done from one time to another to help keep my daughter and I close. She is very different than me in many things but alike enough to where it gets on my nerves sometimes. But the more time I’ve given her, just to get to know her and have fun–with no expectations on her for her to fall short of, it is amazing how much more we cherish each other.
I’m excited for you at what God will do. Get excited and hopeful too.
Hope I haven’t overstepped myself. This is a challenge and reminder for myself too.
Grace & Peace,
Betty
Thank you guys so much for praying. As I was praying last night I realized that I need to figure out a way to take time for myself as well. My husband works two jobs and is not home most of the time so the kids are with me ALL of the time. I think I am in the middle of a “burnout” stage which is making me exhausted and irritable. You put that with the fact that I am having health issues it makes it almost down right unbearable.
I LOVE all of your ideas, Betty. I need to try and find time to have one on one time with her and make it a priority. Have you guys listened to Sonja’s CD on how to reach your child’s heart? I just noticed that on the website and wondered if it would be beneficial.
Thanks again….I appreciate the support. Thanks for the hugs too~!
I’m sure everyone here will agree that YES, Sonyas message on reaching your child’s heart is extremely beneficial! I cannot recommend it enough! I personally had a God moment while listening to this and began to weep at the end. This message is much needed in the homeschooling community.
Blessings to you- our prayers are with you and yours!
momtofive,
You just described my daughter to a T. I will tell you that they do turn around. She is now 151/2 and wants to do her work now and wants to study things that I tried to get her to do earlier and she had no desire to. I also have 5 and the first 2 are girls almost 14 in a month and 15 1/2 then I have 2 boys and another 6 year old girl. My oldest would say the same type of stuff about having a big family. I did a lot of praying and gently reminding her about How important family is and will be in her life. I truly believe that it is (sorry) Hormonal. Because it did pass. yes we have moments now and then but her personallity is just totally different and we now know how to better deal with things that we dont like. I hope that helps a bit… I promise it gets better… I suggest having a talk about changes in oneselves as we grow.
I just read someone else mention the hormone issue (Betty)Do try to find something special to do with her. :0) sorry for repeating that! Jodi
Thank you! My husband is downloading Sonja’s Cd for me right now.
Jodi, thank you! I needed to hear that someone else has been through this! She started her cycle about 6 mos ago so I KNOW it is somewhat hormonal. I think I am going to let up a bit on schoolwork (not place it as such a priority) and replace that with focusing on the relationship. Any good books for her or me on this subject matter? Anyone?
The books my daughter and I shared are not on any specific topics but just really good “girl” books. We shared A Secret Garden, Little Princess, Understood Betsy, A Basket of Flowers (by Lamplighter books), and All of a Kind Family. I’m sure there are others. She also really wanted me to read an Elsie Dinsmore book so it took me 6 months, but I did it.
It’s a constant juggling act. There’s always one of the children needing more attention. If it’s not one, it’s the other, or the other, etc… But I’ve seen over time that everyone gets covered if I make that a priority in my thinking instead of so much my academic or housekeeping list. Anything can get out of balance.
Please keep us posted. I think you and your daughter will figure out how to enjoy each other again and it will be priceless.
Blessings to you!
Have you heard of “Beautiful Girlhood”? You’re daughter is the right age. I’m sure some of the other ladies have read it.
Rachel
Thanks for the book suggestions! Do you read together or let her read them by herself? That is another thing she complains about – she does not like me to read to her. She says she understands it so much better if she reads it herself. The Beautiful hood book….should she read that or should I read it to her. I do have that on my shelf but have not read it.
I would just like to include a scripture for you. Romans 1 talks about people that know God but do not honor God, nor are they thankful. This has been so key to our training the children’s hearts. We teach thankfulness and honor by modeling it. That can be a big ouch for me sometimes, but I try so hard to point out what I can be thankful for and guide the children to see what they can be thankful for in every circumstance. It can become a habit. Also, learning to tell God that ‘I do not like this, but I am determined to honor you and make the right decision/have the right attitude’ is helpful to the children. Worshipping as a family is another way we honor God. Surprise your children every once in awhile by saying, “If I were going to worship God for the next 3 minutes, what could I do?” Then do it.
Blessings,
Cindy
My understanding of using the book is that you read it together. There’s aso a companion guide to go with it if that’s something you would be interested in.
She’s probably very much a visual learner, liking to read it herself. My son likes to read himself, too and he likes to look over my shoulder when I read aloud. However, in narrating I don’t allow it since looking over my shoulder would defeat the purpose of listening skills only!
I think you two sitting next to each other, reading together is a good idea. Maybe alternating chaptersor sections,however it’s broken up. Doorposts makes a girl’s program as well, but it lasts for years.
I had a friend who went thru some attitude problems around this age, so they put academics on the backburner and got back to the heart, the basics of submission to authority (you and dad), heart attitude, serving others, Scripture study, etc. You now the specific areas that need prayerful attention.
Rachel
I pray that God will meet you and your daughter. Some simple thoughts:
I’m sure that you have prayed and prayed for your daughter and your relationship with her. Don’t stop!! When there was no human reason to hope, Abraham put all his hope in God. God was pleased and honored that faith. May God give both of you a deeper understanding and experience of His deep love for each of you.
When my oldest daughter was about 12, my theme verse was from James – “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” I really do look back and smile, and truly hope that the same will be true for you and your daughter.
It sounds like she feels like she isn’t being heard.
Why don’t you let her pick out some literature she would like – or be involved in the decisions of what you want her to learn. If she doesn’t like X book that you give her, ask her what would interest her and go from there to find a book that would interest her. You learn best by books that don’t bore you. If you let her be involved in some of the decisions you are making, maybe that will make her more excited about the work she has to do and will eliminate some of the complaining.
Vicki
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