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"I don't do that well."
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My DS3 has begun to say, “I can’t do that. I don’t do that well.” A couple of examples…
He wanted me to color in a coloring book with him so I colored like I usually would (in the lines). Now he doesn’t want to color because he doesn’t do it “well” or “like me”. Another is when we did 24-piece puzzles together today. He wants to do them together because he likes to do things with me but the puzzles we tried today weren’t high quality (they were just given to us) so when he’d push a piece in others would come loose. I’d get them straightened back out and we’d continue but he finally quit saying he doesn’t do it well. He wanted me to do it still but without him doing it.
What would you all recommend? Coloring, for example, would you just not do it, do it child-like on purpose, or do it normally explaining all coloring is fine? I have praised his coloring and told him there are different ways to do it and they are all fine.
The bigger issue though is… Is this an indication that he has perfectionist tendencies? Is there a way to nip them in the bud? Or is this normal behavior? I’m thinking it’s not normal, per se, but part of his personality – or something he’s picking up from me perhaps. Gulp.
Ideas? Thoughts? Advice?
Not sure what to suggest….
but this is definitely an indication of perfectionistic tendancies… of the sort that cause “I don’t want to do it if I can’t do it perfectly”.
You really have to watch how you talk to (and expecially) praise this type of perfectionist. A few tips… praise effort, not results… “You really worked hard on that” instead of “what a pretty picture”. Also – if they are not wanting to try something… you need to encourage without using phrases like “You can do it” (even if you know they can) as they hear “you can do this perfectly and I expect you to do it perfectly” when you are saying “You can do it” meaning, “I know you can do this to a level appropriate for your age and skill, and it is ok if you make mistakes”. Other thoughts that come to mind…. what do you say/do when you make a mistake? If you “over-react” or take it hard when you make a mistake – so will they. If you say something like “oops, I made a mistake… I need to try again” – it will help.
One thing we really had to work with my son is that what we really wanted them to do is TRY… and that if he made a mistake, or had problems, that was ok with us.
(btw – when my son was 4 in his second year of Suzuki violin…. he made no progress as he refused to do anything he thought would be too difficult even if he had done it before. To him, this included playing any notes that were not open strings. At times we would leave the lessons with me hiding my tears from him. He is finishing his 4th year now, and is playing Bach Minuets and more.
Ditto on eveything suzukimom says. My dd8 hates trying anything that she can’t do perfectly the first time at. It isn’t being lazy or defiant though it comes across that way to people who donb’t know her. I was told the same thing, praise the effort not the result. It takes an effort of thinking on my part b/c I don’t say the things she is hearing. That being said, at 3 it may just be a phase or a phrase he has picked up someplace, like when your kids go through calling you by your first name after hearing others call you “Sue” instead of “mom”. I would not make a big deal about it or worry too much at this point, you are doing great to be proactive and keep your eye on the situation in case it develops into a more serious issue. Stay relaxed and he will too.
my younger two just turned 4 and we’ve had a lot of “I not can do that” around here. My oldest, 6, is very much an “if I can’t do it perfect and it’s not easy the first time I’m not going to try” defeatist personality. When any of mine say that I try not to make too much of it, but say “sure you can!”, be upbeat and encourage them to give it a go – and watch to see if I can suggest a way to make it easier. For things like your coloring example, I might respond with something like “well yes, Mommy’s coloring may look much nicer, but that is b/c I have practiced for so many more years – the more you practice the better you’ll get too!” With my 6yo, he has these high aspirations of things he wants to make. I don’t want to squelch his enthusiasm, but I do try to warn him of possible problems he may encounter and then encourage him to give it a try anyway, even if it seems to me that what he’s trying to do simply won’t work at all – usually one of two things happens: he’s defeated (which is good for him to experience, he can see what to try differently the next time and learns that not everything works out how we want it) or that my expectations were not the same as his and he is perfectly happy with his results 🙂 Now back to the 4yos – one thing they struggle with tremendously is their speech. They are twins, which normally have delayed speech anyway. I try to work on them to pronounce things correctly and work on the sounds they have such a hard time with. We get a lot of “I just can’t do it” with this, but it is for two different reasons. One child is very embarrassed about being put on the spot or messing up in front of others, so for him, I try to work with him when no one else is around, and each time I make sure to tell him “good job, you’re getting a little better every time, keep working on it and soon you’ll have it!” The other one is just lazy about it and would rather be playing, he could care less what others hear him mess up on, so I focus more on encouraging him that he does need to work on these things. With the one who gets easily embarrassed, I have seen, on the words he finally conquers, he is then very eager to show what he can do and isn’t as concerned about saying them in front of others as before. For instance “yes ma’am” has been impossible for the last couple of years, he can’t make the “y” sound, so he would always say “na mas” – last week he finally did it behind closed doors, now he yells it any time he gets the chance. Sorry for all the rambling, I learn by hearing examples, so I guess that’s how I talk as well. hopefully some of it made sense and can be a bit helpful. Really all that to say – I try not to make a big deal of mess ups, and don’t try to cover them up – just let them know that is part of the learning process – in fact we expect them so it’s no big deal. And like the others said, praise the effort – don’t make them think the’ve painted a Monet, or that you expect that, just that you are proud of them for giving it their best effort and that you look forward to watching them improve as they keep at it.
One thing I watche on one of sonya shafer’s dvds that I purchase was that when children say “I cant do it like you” is for you to add the word “YET”, You could mention that when you were little you had to practice to draw in the lines, that it wasnt easy either. Tell him/her that one day with a lot of practice that he CAN color like you.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and disagree. I think this could easily just be a phase – he’s only 3, right? I would keep encouraging, not always do it for him – be too busy or some such thing. I think he will get through this phase.
Of course, I could be wrong, I just think 3 is too young to label kids with things. 🙂
The only way to tell if it’s a phase or not is to wait and see if he grows out of it.
My oldest daughter has been a perfectionist probably from the moment of birth! However, this is not something that I can or should “nip in the bud.” The bright side of this part of her personality is that she is careful. She can be very attentive. She is very smart, and excels in math – which is structured and follows logical rules. She has a strong sense of right and wrong and justice. (I could easily see her growing up to be a crusader for human rights!) She wants to know what is right and wrong and she longs to make the right choices.
Like any other personality trait, taken to extreme, it could become problematic; however, may I kindly point out that if this is your son’s bent, you shouldn’t be trying to change who he is. By all means, praise his effort. Notice when he tries. Point out times when he does perservere and eventually succeeds. But we all (me, Me, ME!) need to realize that our children are not clay to be molded into the forms we desire. Each of them has been designed in a unique and precious way. Every personality trait has a beneficial side, and sometimes what I need most as a mom is to be reminded of those benefits and to reframe the way I am thinking/talking about my children.
Best of luck to you and your son.
Thanks! I guess I am concerned mainly when I see his perfectionism manifesting itself in a refusal to try for fear of failure…just like his mommy. How many things in life have I not done because I’m scared to try and fail. Sigh. I guess I want to save him from this tendency. I have found that the more I let him try things and fail the more confidence he actually has. I try (try!) not to say, “Be careful.” to everything. Ha! Lots of tongue-biting going on here. 🙂
I suggest working with your child now. Yes, perfectionist tendencies like any other trait, good or bad, can begin to exhibit themselves early and it is our our child’s best interest that we begin training them. My dd4 began exhibiting very moody and melancholy tendencies at age 2.5. I did not want her to grow those traits and took to heart what Charlotte said about habit being ten natures and we have 95% conquered this already. On the rare times when it peeks it’s head, we can change it rather quickly, usually. I don’t want to consider the work we would have faced or the sorrow dd would have facedif we’d let those natural tendencies or traits continue unchecked until dd was older. Habit training IS easier when they are small.
Yes, we are all born with traits or tendencies that either need strengthening or squashing or tempering. Pray and seek God’s guidance and then set about the very difficult work of doing just that. In my humble opinion, you can’t begin this work too soon.
Blessings,
Christie
A quote from Charlotte:
Habit the Instrument by which Parents Work.––’Habit is TEN natures!’ If I could but make others see with my eyes how much this saying should mean to the educator! How habit, in the hands of the mother, is as his wheel to the potter, his knife to the carver––the instrument by means of which she turns out the design she has already conceived in her brain. Observe, the material is there to begin with; his wheel will not enable the potter to produce a porcelain cup out of coarse clay; but the instrument is as necessary as the material or the design.
vol 1 pg 98
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