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Husband's expectations of laying down the rails
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Does anyone else have this problem? I’d love to hear some advice.
It seems like after we work on a certain character trait, things will go smoothly for a while then we’ll have a setback (I think some people call it sin, lol) and have to work through it again. I work prayerfully and diligently on helping my children see how our bad behavior or lack of good habits hurts us and other people. I know I am not perfect in that and sometimes let things slip just so I can have a few moments of peace; but I see character training as my primary responsibility, even over teaching them to read and write.
Every weekend, my husband and I have the same, uncomfortable discussion. He feels that if the kids are exhibiting bad behavior, it is because I am too soft on them. If I do a good job “laying down the rails,” the child should never have that problem again and because our kids aren’t perfect yet, I am not doing my job. He said that I obviously put academics over character training. You know, some days go so smoothly and other days, I spend all day disciplining one or more kids to make sure that not only do they accomplish at least a small amount of school work but also do it with the right attitude.
I’m just not sure how to explain that he is putting unreasonable expectations on all of us. The kids’ behavior could be better and often is, but it won’t ever be perfect and we shouldn’t have that expectation. Maybe he is too stressed about work to hear that right now, but I love my husband and it is no fun hearing this same message every weekend.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this stressful situation. I have just lifted your family in prayer. Is your husband a Christian?
You said you have these conversations on the weekends? Is your husband away through the week? How is he involved in the raising of your children? How do these conversations begin and how long have they been going on?
I am guessing that there is a source to these unreasonable expectations of perfection, and that could be stress at work as you suggested. Perhaps it is something else. Does he have the same expectations of perfection from himself? Approaching the issue in prayer first is always the best policy.
What habits are they and what are the ages of your children? Does he read Laying Down the Rails and come on board with you too?
One thing I always remind myself (and maybe this thought would be interesting to discuss with your husband) is this:
I’m not perfect in any of these character traits or habits. And I’ve had decades of practice. So it is completely unreasonable to expect perfection in any area of character traits or habits from my children. Effort? Yes. Progress? Hopefully. But they are CHILDREN. If I, as an adult, can’t perfectly do a thing then how unjust is it for me to expect a child to?
Oh goodness! I hate that! Goodness, I certainly teach my children the importance of obedience and I do train them to develop good habits, to be people of character, but they are imperfect, just as I am! There is also a difference, I believe between behavior that is typical for a certain age and rebellious behavior! We are working on attentiveness in our home right now! I am pretty sure as we move on to something else, we will have to remind them to be attentive! Also, was he raised differently than you? My husband and I were raised in totally different homes with totally different parenting styles and so we have had to talk a lot of things out as we have raised our children! We have a great understanding of where the other is coming from and there is common ground now, but it took some communication for sure!
I will just add one more question to consider: Is there an anger issue in your home? I’ve been listening to some of SM Davis’ materials lately, and I think he hits the nail on the head when he says if you have problems in your marriage or family and you also have an anger problem, you have to start by dealing with the anger problem first. You can’t fix the other problems until that is dealt with. And while I don’t feel that we have an anger problem to nearly the extent that many poor people I’ve seen do, we do struggle with it and it sometimes gets the best of us. Call it impatience, frustration or unmet expectations… It amounts to anger on some level. We have a grown son who was very angry at times, and I now see it was a reflection of what he was feeling from us. He could never please us, and I think he nearly gave up trying.
SM Davis has a talk on 3 Keys to Successful Parenting that might provide a nice neutral place to spring discussion from for you and your husband, of he would be willing to listen and discuss with you. Maybe it would help to identify areas you agree on and provide opportunity to discuss what you are doing now and what you’d like to improve on in an atmosphere that isn’t already charged with conflict.
I do feel for you. This is a tough spot to be in. Praying for God’s grace for both of you as you work through this.
Thank you all for the advice. We are very busy through the week– hubby gets home at around 6:00, and during the school year we have scouts and church three evenings a week. The boys eat dinner at 5:00 then get ready for evening activities and my husband and I eat a hurried dinner together at 6:00 before heading out the door. The result is that it is Friday evening before we have family time.
We are going to try to enjoy a relaxing summer break and then adjust some schedules for next fall so we can touch base more during the week.
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