Husband made me feel incapable today

I’m so sorry for the rough day! It sounds like everyones frustration spilled over today. Don’t loose heart. You are doing Great! Do the older kiddos help with chores? (dishes, laundry, wiping down the bathroom, etc)My 6 year old has been such a help with putting away dishes, changing bathroom garbage and doing a few loads of laundry from start to finish each week. Maybe put Math as the second thing of the day to get down after Bible/Hist/Geog studies and then something you enjoy teaching to the older kids right afterwards to help it not be such a chore for you (art and music study have been my “chore” subjects lately).

I have found that using a bribe to get math done without fussing  is helpful! ?

Actually, I bribed the daughter that I have this exact trouble with……and timed her (without her knowing). So now I know how long it really takes her to do a normal math lesson. If she’s having trouble and needs help, we just work at it until the timer goes off, or until I see that she’s getting frustrated. It was eye-opening for my daighter to see that she could complete a math lesson in 30 minutes…..and then she could see how her not focusing was costing her play time and was more stressful, too.

Also, you could perhaps look into a different math curriculum. Maybe Teaching Textbooks or something that would be easier on you and maybe easier on them, too.

As for housework, try to figure out what your husband likes to see and do that. For example, my husband likes the mudroom tidy and the kitchen table cleared off. If he sees those spaces clear, he feels rested and peaceful coming into the house. He sees the mountain of dishes, but it doesn’t bother him, if those two spaces are tidy.

I am the opposite! I need floors and counters tidy, but I have learned to get what bothers him tidied up before he comes in because it just makes him more comfortable. Obviously, it doesn’t happen every time he comes in (he’s a dairy farmer, and I just never know when he’ll be in for a meal or snack or whatever), but he knows I’m trying and that goes a long way to helping us both keep things in perspective.

Other than that, consider yourself hugged! I think we’ve all been there. Sometimes husbands walk in at the worst times, and in their desire to help, make things worse. I would encourage you to consciously think the best of your husband. (The “love thinketh  no evil” verse.)  If you go too far down the “he just doesn’t get it” path, it can be detrimental to your family.

*hug*

So, as for math… (haha, let’s get the monster dealt with first). So, while understanding that I despise those “expected outcome” lists, I will say that yes, your 10 year old should be doing multiplication by now. In fact, I would say by 8, definitely by 9, it should be starting to be introduced (introduced/learning…. not mastered! lol). So… I would say make that a goal for both of them if possible. And, while CM said short lessons, if you NEED to do 30 minutes to be able to better tackle math… then don’t feel you can’t just because of the “method”.  Also, maybe you need to do math twice in one day – do a 20 minute session in the morning, and another one in the afternoon.

I understand about being overwhelmed in certain seasons of life. I’ve been there. It’s hard to manage everything you think you should be doing for “school”. Quite honestly, what I would suggest is cut back on some of the “extra” subjects for awhile, I would say even the rest of this year (going on the assumption you follow the typical school year), and instead focus your time and attention on JUST the 3Rs, and especially focusing on math. Quite honestly… it’s better to get behind on science/ geography/history/poetry/picture studies than the 3Rs.  Being behind in history/geography will not have nearly the impact on a child, that being behind in math or reading will. Those topics are also ones that are easily studied/caught up on, in short time periods, later on. I also agree with the others, look at adding something they can do independently – Teaching Textbooks, even online games like Math Seeds, IXL, Khan Academy.

I think your husband had a legitimate concern (my husband would also be worried), but…. definitely expressed it in the wrong way! That said – I can see how it would be frustrating for him, as he’s trying to help her all the while he’s supposed to be getting ready for work, so he was probably stressed out about getting ready on time, everything else that was going on, and then unfortunately took it out on you. And it was definitely wrong of him to talk about it in front of the children, I can imagine how hurt they were.

I would say that by focusing more attention on math and just the 3Rs,  by trying to get them a bit “caught up” (not that I really like that term, lol), it might reassure him, and even yourself, because you’re obviously aware that they’re behind, and it’s bothering you, too.

As for the rest of it – we’ve ALL had those days, trust me! The days where the sink is piled high, one’s crying (or screaming or they all are), the laundry is in a basket, the dust bunnies are mating, the list goes on 🙂

I will ask this, only because, from the sounds of what you’ve written it sounds like it may be the case – are “these” days, becoming the norm? Is it more often that you are unable to keep up on the house work? If it is, then there’s probably ways of working on that.

1. Do you have a daily routine? You might want to look at setting one. While I realize that with young children a minute to minute schedule is not feasible, but an overall general routine may help all of you. For us we get up, get dressed, have breakfast, clean the kitchen, and immediately tackle lessons. After lessons I let the kids have some free time while I do a bit of cleaning. Then there’s lunch, clean the kitchen again, and family chore time. I’m going to assume there’s nap time in the afternoon for you, so that’s a great time to get some cleaning done (when they cooperate and actually sleep, lol), or tackle that extra math lesson. More free time in the afternoon for the kids here while I prepare supper etc… Just a general routine, try and get regular “cleaning” times set into your day. A few minutes here and there, consistently throughout the day, can go a long way. We always try to keep the kitchen cleaned up after each meal. I also have the children pick up all their toys before their father gets home from work. My husband really does not like walking into the house and seeing a bunch of clutter everywhere, so I try very hard to make sure things are picked up for him.

I agree with one of the other ladies – what housekeeping thing bothers your husband the most? Try to make that one a special priority to stay on top of – whether that’s keeping the laundry caught up, the dishes caught up, or the toys picked up etc…  That said, my husband is also aware that sometimes there are those days, and if he values his life he’ll keep his mouth shut on those days (lol, I’m kidding). But seriously, he understands those days, but if it were becoming a regular habit, he would likely be upset. He has a stressful job, and coming home to a disorderly home day after day would definitely increase his stress load.

2. Are the children helping you? Your 5, 8 and 10 year old should most definitely be doing chores and helping you around the house now, which would greatly help your load. I would start a chore chart/routine, with set chores for everyone. At their ages, they can definitely wash dishes, put away dishes, set the table, clear the table, dust, sweep, vacuum, feed any pets (with supervision for the youngest), fold laundry, put away their laundry etc… Your 8 & 10 year old should be capable of preparing simple snacks and breakfast and lunch. This isn’t to say they should be doing ALL the housework, but quite honestly, they should be expected to help in pretty well all areas. Here, we have assigned daily chores: so for this week, their jobs are:

5 year old: make her bed, put away her folded laundry (I still hang stuff up because she can’t reach), keeping her toys picked up (with reminders from me), setting the table, clearing the table.

8 year old: make bed, put away all clean laundry, keeping toys picked up, feed the pets, put away the clean dishes and he’s also in charge of bringing up the firewood from the basement.

Then every day we have a designated family chore, so example: Monday we do our baking, Tuesday we clean the kitchen, Wednesday we clean the floors (vacuum and mop, sweeping is daily), Thursday is dusting, Friday is the bathroom Saturday is cleaning the entry porch. Sunday is rest.

So after lunch, we have “family chore time”, where we all work on the day’s cleaning job together. Working together it only takes 20-30 minutes.

I’ve learned the hard way that working in small chunks throughout the day, even 5 minutes here or there, makes it much easier to stay on top of the cleaning. Example: I keep Clorox wipes on the toilet. Once a day when I go to the bathroom, I take 30 seconds, grab a wipe, and wipe down the toilet. Once a day, the next time I go to the bathroom, I’ll wipe off the sink and counter. Again, 30 seconds. But it’s just a quick thing that helps me stay on top. Keeping the kitchen tidied up after each meal – whether that’s loading/unloading the dishewasher, stacking the dishes neatly by the sink for washing, making sure everything is put away. It generally only takes 5-10 minutes, but makes a big difference by the end of the day.

3. The same old advice everyone always says, that we always laugh at: “Sleep when the baby sleeps”. So okay, we both know a nap isn’t going to happen, lol. But, if at all possible, try and take even just 15 minutes to sit down with your feet up. Read, pray, just lay there doing nothing if you want. Just rest for a few minutes.

4. Make sure you’re getting enough rest at night. That may be hard, I’m not sure what kind of sleeper your baby is, but as much as possible anyways, make sure you go to bed at a good time.

Hugs to you. We’ve all been there. Laundry is my achilles heel. I do fairly well at keeping up on everything else, BUT laundry. My husband and daughter are the worst offenders because they create an insane amount of laundry. So, our laundry is often in baskets waiting to be folded. I’m trying to put through smaller loads, and put it away immediately, instead of doing giant loads, or waiting until night to then try and tackle 3-4 loads.

Some days are just plain crappy. They leave you second guessing everything. Sometimes, entire seasons are crappy. You’ll wonder what you were thinking, you’ll feel like a failure. But, just remember that God called you to this, He will give you the strength to get through it. Talk to your husband (calmly, without anger). Talk to each other about your feelings, what you want to see, tell him you’re going to try and focus more on math and that you’re going to try harder around the house (perhaps more specifically list something that you know he finds stressful to see undone), but ask him to understand that sometimes, there are hard days, that having 5 children means some days, there are going to be “those” days, and for him to please be patient with you, because they are just as stressful for you.

Just a quick note to say that my heart goes out to you. We have six kids and, although I really like things neat and tidy, it is very difficult with our 2yo in the house. That age is crazy bent on destroying the place. But also cute.

I liked the idea that someone had of asking your husband what gets to him the most and try to have that part cleaned up for him.

I’m sorry for your rough day. Been there many times. xo

Blessings to all the generous mothers on this forum who took so much time to support and offer advice.   I can’t think of anything to add – it’s all been well said above.  But just wanted one more hug sent to you, and to be one more voice assuring you that “those days” do happen.

I always hesitate suggesting someone change curriculum -because I know it’s a big deal.   But I must tell you that my “those days” almost disappeared when we switched to Teaching Textbooks.  Hands down, best homeschooling decision I’ve made.  It was like someone gave me three extra hours to better manage/enjoy my day, and three extra hours of sleep at night (due to the unmistakable decrease in stress!)

Blessings,

Angie

(6 years hs-ing,

4 kids, aged 6-13)

We use MUS and I can’t imagine not using the DVD’s. My kids love him and it helps me so much to stay consistant. I rarely need the teachers guide, because the DVD walks us through.

It takes only 10-15 min per lesson but know it will start taking longer as books progress, do 20 min in our house is plenty.

So she is in Beta in 4th grade? Gamma introduces multiplication and Delta division. My DD is in 4th grade and in Delta so doing long division.

If you look in pasts posts for MUS tristen had her DD switch to MUS later and has talked about how she caught up. That might give some thoughts to help.

Is she struggling with concepts, the how to, or just memorizing. I will be honest, my kids might not be the fastest but they know how, so I did not prevent them from moving on and with time they are recalling faster and faster the math facts.

I also did multiplication in 4th, so she really shouldn’t be stressing about this; she doesn’t need to feel like there is something wrong with her

When you talk to your husband, explain that MUS is a mastery-based program that is used successfully in private schools, too. Contrast for him why that is different from the spiral curriculum normally used in public school

You also need to pay attention to whether the MUS approach is working for your child, with or without the DVD.

What is she actually struggling with?

Is she actually struggling, or is she just “behind” due to life’s events?

Is the mastery approach working for her?

I would try it with the DVDs (take some teaching pressure off of yourself!) and see how she does for a while before deciding to switch; diagnose the problem first and increase to two times a day.

For ex: as first independent subject of the day, watch DVD then do A; then after lunch or free-time, do B. Then, the next day, 1st Session: C, 2nd Session: E. If she does stupendously, give her the test on the 3rd day, instead of page F (my son never does G), if yo think she needs more practice, do F in the 1st Session, and then the test on the same day for the 2nd Session.

Also, I skipped the extra ‘new math’ nonsense (my opinion) that exists in MUS, that I believed made adding and subtracting multiple digit numbers unnecessarily complicated. So, check and see if that may be an issue.

I tried MUS and the only thing it helped with my dd was place value. After that, his approach confused her and, even with the review pages, the complete mastery approach caused her to forget previous lessons. It irritates my son, too, who is finishing Epsilon

I had also tried TT, but even though she got the answers correct on the computer, deeper scrutiny showed me it wasn’t sticking.

So, with that knowledge, I switched to Christian Light Education Sunlight ed; it is semi-spiral, so she gets the direct instruction, very incremental new stuff, and covers previous material extensively within each lesson, which has worked for her because she needs a lot practice, but can’t do long sit-down math sessions. No ‘new math’, it’s a simple, straightforward, traditional approach.

I think it was a combination of mental development and method for my dd.

HTH