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How to handle a neighbor "spat"
- This topic has 9 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 5 months ago by
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OK, so my neighbor comes over this afternoon and tells hubby our 8yo wrote with crayon on their backyard play castle. Unusual for her…. So I go over there and talk to her, telling her that she hasn’t wrote on things for 2-3 years with crayons. Neither does her son (of course) – he’s 6, btw. So I go back there, look over the writing very carefully (which isn’t crayon, but red Sharpie), and I tell her, this isn’t my dd’s handwriting. “Well, it isn’t ***’s, either. He doesn’t write like that.” It says “Club Biker” written in several different ways (my dd would at least write it all the same, even if it was misspelled) and “Googel.” First off, my dd wouldn’t even know what “club biker” meant in the first place, nor would she have attempted to write the word “googel” even though she knows what it is (not the search engine variety, either). He keeps insisting it wasn’t him, though he placed no blame while I was in his presence (evidently he blamed my dd before this), and he is interested in helping wash it off. There were 5 kids out there at the time – my 3 girls and their 2 boys. The only ones who know how to write are he and my 8yo. So I go back home (after she is pretty livid about having to wash it off herself) and ask the other 2 girls who don’t know a thing about this yet. “Who wrote on the castle next door?” Simultaneously, they both say, “*** did it.” They would have loved to rat out their sister if she had done something wrong, kwim? So now I *know* he did it. I can’t stand it when people think their kids are absolute angels who never, ever do anything wrong and get away with everything, including lying and blaming others. Grrrr… They have come over to our house on numerous occasions and broken our stuff, but we never said a word to their parents. Maybe we should have….
I tried to be calm and fair through it, but now she is pretty upset and didn’t want her kids playing over here after that. Should I have handled this differently? Right on? How should I proceed from here? The kids play together all the time, and they live right next door. BTW, they are the sort of people who like to “1-up” you and be “better” than you, iykwim.
They are not Christians, and we have been trying to focus on setting an example rather than outright evangelism with them, since they are pretty adamant against going to church and the whole “God thing.” <sigh>Take the high road, turn the other cheek… let it be a great lesson to your kids that even those whom they think are “good” friends are only living for themselves, not for God’s glory. Of course, with little kids, they are taught that selfishness by parents, teachers, other influences, so you can only encourage your children to continue setting a good example to **** by being friendly and forgiving and nice to him.
The mother, though, golly…. that’s so hard! I suppose you need to do the same thing, just grin and bear it. Be thankful that now your eyes are fully opened to her behavior and you can protect yourself and your family in the future. I’d encourage you to exhibit total boldness in taking the high road with her. Be over-the-top about how God’s grace enabled you to just let this whole thing slide, and know that your relationship as neighbors is more important than who’s right (but don’t SAY that to her). You and your children know the truth. Work from there.
HTH and so sorry to hear of this difficult struggle. May it resolve well!
Jenni
Well as a non-Christian I can tell you that their behavior is just plain ridiculous under any circumstances. I live next to a self proclaimed “good Catholic woman” who does that same thing. It is NEVER her kids fault and she blames everyone around her for everything that happens. I live my life as a good person who is kind to others. Hand her a magic eraser and walk away.
We have had neighbor issues in the past – basically, it has been left to “interaction with direct supervision”. I don’t trust the other children (they have demonstrated anger issues and integrity issues) – I would rather my children not pick up on that. If you wish to continue to witness – perhaps doing it in the context of family game night, family invites where everyone is interacting and supervised, this will eliminate any question. Obviously, she wasn’t supervising….she should learn.
Also be aware that even young children are known by their actions and by the company they keep. It sounds like their 6 y.o. has the propensity for lying and shifting blame. Yes, teach your children to forgive – but limit their interactions to protect them and neighborhood peace. Who knows what they will be blamed for next? Continuing to take the blame for someone else’s actions can feed bitterness and resentment toward the child who is blaming and towards the parent who keeps compelling them to clean up the mess that they didn’t create.
Imagine working a job – where the coworker screwed up and intentionally blamed you. Then you are compelled by your boss to stay late and correct the issue without pay. Now imagine that is happens over and over. Being a good witness does not equate to being a doormat.
You’ve gotten good feedback already (I love this community). I would add that to have allowed your children to take the blame without protest would have, essentially, been a lie as well as an injustice to them. To offer help in cleaning it off with the understanding that you don’t believe your children were to blame is generous and kind; a good way to extend mercy for their blame-placing.
So, ((hugs)) to you, and I hope that the awkwardness doesn’t last long, and that your response in the positive outweighs the tension of the situation very soon.
Blessings to ya!
LillyLou
PS, I second the magic eraser-it got pen off of my parents’ leather couch when my oldest was 2 (yes, yes, it was her. No other kids. She was caught red-handed LOL)
Thanks, everyone. I have told the kids that they can play anywhere else in the neighborhood, but if they are going to play with those particular ones, they have to be supervised by my dh or myself (since their parents obviously do not supervise). I did catch her in a lie when she emailed me later, telling me my kids put red hand prints all over while painting rocks one day. I have proof that one girl came home in blue (her handprints on a table and my doorbell), and she was one she tried to blame. I have had no problems with any other friends or neighbors telling me about anything the girls did that’s naughty, so I have to believe it’s just these particular neighbors who have an issue. Also, I let the girls (ages 8, 7, and almost 5) waterpaint at the kitchen table completely by themselves – just yelled up to see how they were doing – and they did absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, they were angels. If I can trust them, and they’d get in a whole heap of trouble if they did something like that and were caught, then why would they do something at someone else’s house where they’d get into even more trouble? Why would they do something there that they don’t even do here when I’m not looking, kwim?
Well, anyway, that’s that, I guess. Our kids know the boundaries with their kids, and I guess that’s all I can really do for now. So frustrating, though! Thanks for letting me vent and assuring me that I couldn’t have done much better than I did! 🙂
Sara,
Do we have the same neighbors? 🙂 Just kidding. I know there is no house on the other side. 🙂 Anyway, it seems our neighbors have it out for us. I try to keep my kids out of their yard. Their dd years ago pointed out that they were in their yard. So now my kids have pointed it out everytime they were over. It was a bad thing to start since their parents have pointed out that our shed is on their property. Wonder where their kids get it? Nuts don’t fall to far from the tree. I have tried to be as cordual as I can be. I have said ,”Hi” just to get their younger dd to say, ” Do I have to say anything Mom?” her mother said, “No, and they walked into the house” I don’t think she thought I could here her. So, I have had similar issues with the other dd. They try to bait the kids just to get them into trouble. I try to tell them to leave the kids alone but they want to play with them. I am one to forgive and forget but it seems the parents can even be evil to my children. Of course they seem so nice in front of others when we are in public. So I just keep them on the property line to just say “Hi”. Now, kids just forgive and forget. I would say that if the kids want to play with the neighbor that your dd privately tell their child to admit to their mother the truth. Maybe if they shun the neighbor he/she will finally come clean. I have had this happen to adults and it works. Shunning is in the Bible. Like someone in the previous post wrote, “Don’t be a doormat.” We are to forgive and forget. We are also to live peacefully. However, you do not want to be a stumbling block. Otherwise the neighbor will continue to lie about your children and make it worse. Your dd may not have written it. but, I have found that when kids get together they find ways of getting into trouble. The more the merrier. Some kids don’t even know that things are going on until it is over and they are in trouble. Good luck and I understand. Hey, we all probably do at one point or another. 🙂
I know how you feel, sometimes I wish we didn’t have neighbors.
We have one particular neighbor we have had issues with off/on for years….. you never know when he is going to pull one of his childish stunts. He has even accused DH of writing profanity on his mailbox….. ANYBODY that knows my DH knows he is NOT the type of person to even consider such a thing. Funny thing is, this neighbor/dad will be your friend one minute and then suddently he gets all uptight about something and pulls stuff like this. I do NOT trust him at all!!!
Things have gone well for a while until a few weeks ago….he suddenly became unfriendly AGAIN…. figured it had something to do with my kids having to turn down his son several times when he came over wanting to play. Learned yesterday his son can’t come over until WE APOLOGIZE!!! WHAT?????????? I’m going to apologize to this man because I have chosen a few times not to let my children play with his??????? I don’t owe anybody an explanation for how I parent my children….. He’s crazy. This is the kind of childish nonsense we have dealt with off and on for years. I keep my distance and unfortunately brace myself for the day he turns us in for something….. I wouldn’t be surprised at all…
Hope things get better for you…just know you aren’t alone..
Debbie
Wow Debbie you must be our neighbor too! 🙂 That sounds exactly like him…:) Isn’t it funny how they react? At least he did all the work himself. You don’t have to apologize to keep him away. 🙂 Ours reels you in after baiting also. I found they are nice when they want to know something. They have even asked the kids questions to get dirt on us. My favorite one is that he knew we bought a chainsaw. After DH and I thought about it. How would he know that? We brought it home at night. It was dark. It was in the garage. I swear he must sit there with night vision binoculars watching us. I want to move to the country where our nearest neighbors can’t see or hear us. 🙂 (Next House) It amases me I just want to ask them “Hey, are we in high school?” Good luck with your neighbors! 🙂
Hey, chocodog, we also dream of living in the country, and this latest episode just clinches it! We *are* going to move out there as soon as possible. LOL There’s always at least one nutcase on every block, isn’t there? <sigh> We also think the neighbors might have had the kids over to ask about things, and maybe this last episode just sent her over the edge. IDK, maybe she’s just nuts.
They are not Christians, and we have been trying to focus on setting an example rather than outright evangelism with them, since they are pretty adamant against going to church and the whole “God thing.” <sigh>
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