How to deal w/tandrums?

I usually just read most people’s posts and never respond, but I felt like I had to chime in my two cents here. 🙂 

I have an 11yo boy and somewhere around 9 or 10 he started acting like you’ve described. I believe that it’s the beginning of the adolescent hormones kicking in. My son will have amazing days where he’s everybody’s best friend and is so loving and kind and then other days where he just wants to fight. He fights with his siblings, fights with me and is just angry. And sometimes, he’ll go back and forth all in the same day! 

I don’t know your son’s personality but my son is a very logical, organized thinker. So I’ve found the most effective way to end his ranting is to be “like a rock” and separate my emotions from the situation. Basically, I speak in a purposefully even and controlled tone of voice and I won’t let him sucker me into guilt trips, defending myself or shifting the topic away from his behavior. I listen to his side of things and I try to be as objective as possible so he can see that I truly care about his feelings but ultimately, at the end of the day, he has to be respectful of me whether he agrees with me or not. Sometimes, I send him out on our property to walk it off. And sometimes, the other children and I will go outside and leave him in the house. Occasionally I’ve even walked off in the middle of a conversation because he was being so rude, confrontational and irrational, telling him “I do not let people treat me this way and you are no exception.” He used to follow us out crying and wailing but now he understands that he needs to cool off and he’ll go off somewhere until he can pull himself together. And, of course, when we’ve all calmed down, we usually sit down and talk about it. He’s learning that you can’t treat people however you want and not expect some negative reactions from them. And I’m learning more and more what matters to him and what are some triggers that set him off. 

I believe that dads are invaluable here. I think it’s Dr. Dobson who wrote that boys are a journey to becoming men and the first step in that journey is the decision to not be a woman. Thus, Mom, his first love object, has to be “moved” out of his way in order for him to become a man. And the way he “moves” her is by arguing, whining, rebelling, verbally attacking, etc. I’m not saying this kind of behavior is acceptable or that we moms just have to roll over and deal with it, but it does give an explanation as to why it’s happening. So when Dad, the “alpha male” so to speak, steps up and says essentially “In this family, we men respect the women in our lives and this is not how we behave/communicate” it speaks volumes to the boy. In our family, my husband puts HUGE emphasis on respect and taking responsibility for one’s own behavior/emotional state. At first, I thought my dh was being overly harsh but now, as my son is getting older and I watch in wonder as he apologizes to his siblings for an overreaction or comes to me and apologizes for arguing with me (all on his own initiative) I’m thankful! We still have a few more years to go seeing as he’s 11, almost 12 and apparently the full hormones haven’t even kicked in yet, but I’m praying that this foundation will see him through the turbulent waters ahead.  

I don’t know if this was helpful or not; it’s kind of late and I’m a little incoherent. :/ If it’s any consolation, I know how terribly frustrating and hurtful it can be! It helps to try not to take it personally but to approach him calmly and fairly and be super consistent. And PRAY a lot! I often tell God “Lord, only You can change the heart of man, so I ask you to give [insert name here] a heart of flesh for his heart of stone! And give me wisdom to see what’s really going on here underneath this behavior.” God knows the inner workings of your son’s heart and mind and I believe it is His delight to share that with you as his mother. 

Many blessings on this exciting journey to building up a man of God!