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How many dolls are enough for a child who ADORES her dolls?
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Okay, maybe it sounds like I’m being lazy- but, I’m not. 🙂 I have been racking my brain, scouring the enternet, and picking the minds of those older and wiser than I for an answer. So, why haven’t I found the solution recipe!? I worked hard to teach my ds to let go of his toys that weren’t loved quite as much as they were in the beginning. I strived to teach him how to keep them organized and put away (the put away thing is still some what in progress). We used different methods from him giving some to other kids who would love them, to selling them himself and saving for something he really wanted. It was tough, but it worked!!
So, why am I having such a hard time, now????
It is the same with our dd. Her toys are genuinely cared for, each with its own story, special name, and usually gifted by someone special to her (if any of you have granparents like ours do you’ll understand that saying no isn’t in their hearing language). SO, we have tried the same tried and true methods we used for our son, we even try to put some away for half the year and alternate that way, (but that way really doesn’t work because she wants “‘so-n-so’ to sleep with” or “their family is missing” or a frantic search for someone she forgot was put in the seasonal box, brings her to tears.)
It just still seems too much to me. AND, she has started to ask for “a big doll” ( she has several big dolls, some that are almost her size, what she means is an 18″ doll with long hair), so far it is out of the question. I’ve told her that she would have to say goodbye to some of her current dolls, and while she says yes, out of the gate, when we start to decide who should go, she has a mental rolodex of each doll, where it came from: from whom and why!!! A desperate look comes accross her face like I am stealing percious treasure. Then I try to move on to the soft toys hoping for better response- not hardly. While there isn’t a “your kidnapping my child” face on her, she still tells me who gave her what and why.
When I was a child I did NOT play with dolls, I did have a few things I was given: an indian girl, a few plushies, but rarely played with any of it, so this is new to me. I had several siblings, so for me, if I valued something I took it to a grand parents house for safe keeping. I don’t want my dd to feel as if she has to hide things from a mother who keeps wanting to get rid of her treasured posessions, but at the same time I want her to understand that a person just can’t keep every thing!!! She has an Aunt that still has some of her special dolls and soft toys, so should I just assume that it is an inherrited personality thing?
Also, to mention: She has a “home” for all plushies (on the bed), all dolls in either: doll house, doll bin, in rocking chair, or on pillow (certain ones go in certain places!?!?!?). I never wanted her to have Barbie dolls, but grands and aunts did it anyway (though they are tasteful), and so their home is in a plastic shoe box. When it comes to cleaning her room she almost always needs help (doll clothes, too). (She is just turning 5). She has over 16 dolls (I say over because she has character dolls that she calls dolls), miniature dolls number about 10 (not to mention the clothes, accessories, and furniture), about 7 barbies, and the plushies are mostly small, but numerous.
How should I view this? Does she have too many? If so, what would you all advise?
Thanks in advance for all your help- you ladies always are so helpful!!!
-MombyGrace
You know, the way we handle this sort of thing is by limiting the child’s space. We give them a container with a lid and say they can keep whatever number of dolls/legos/whatever fits in the tub with the lid fastened. That way they have total freedom as to which they keep, but we have set limits for our space, which is really important with 10 people in a small house (under 1500 sq ft).
My daughter loves all her dolls, but her collections that she loved was getting outrageous and even when we told relatives how big the collections was; they still bought her dolls. So, I actually sat down and talked with her about loving the dolls and how many there were and she too had sentimental feelings tied to the material items. I told her that when I saw a certain baby outfit of hers, it would cause me to have so many memories of her at that age. It just took me back and so I kept the outfit, but I couldn’t keep them all, so I took pictures of her in the outfits so that I could have the memories, but not all those clothes taking up all the space. So, we boxed up about 25 dolls after taking photos of them and I took them to grandmother’s house for the out of sight, out of mind thing. It worked. She can see them when she wants in the pictures, but they have been donated for other children that can not afford nice dollies to play with and enjoy and love. This has helped in culling out all kinds of stuff…especially when they are too old, but they love the toy from their childhood. HTH
It is important too for them to understand that we can not take the material items with us and that the memories are our true treasures. Best of luck, it is a hard hard thing.
Our daughter is this way about stuffed animals. She adores all of them. They are all named, and she plays with all of them. We are a minimalist family who really makes an effort to stay on top of the stuff in our home, to not let it get out of control, or have more than we realistically need. Earlier last year, we were cleaning out the children’s rooms, which we do 3-4 times per year. In the past, I had hinted to dd that she needed to part with a few stuffed animals, and she would reluctantly give away 2 or 3 at most. She would say how special they all were and how much she would miss them, and so my momma’s heart would give in and let her keep them. I’m not a sentimental person, but she is and that is hard for me to understand! Well, earlier last year I finally counted how many stuffed animals she had: 47. I’m not even kidding! 47 stuffed animals for 5 kids would be plenty, but this was one child’s collection! I’m embarassed to post that!
I told her she could keep 25. That was even too many for my comfort, but it was a huge thing for her. Getting rid of half her precious dolls was not easy, but she did it. And we did not buy even a quarter of the 47. Most were from grandparents who know the way to my dd’s heart is through a stuffed toy. Then, when we moved this last time, she got the number down to 17.
We have to constantly remind ourselves and our children that we have a limited amount of space and that we only keep what we truly need and use. We don’t have a lot of “special” things in our home simply because stuff isn’t what our memories are made of. She has a shelf for stuffed animals now. If she wants a new one, there has to be room on the shelf or she doesn’t get it. She will have to give away one in order to get a new one.
Ladies,
Thanks for the input!! Unfortunatlely, the only thing I haven’t tried is setting her down and discussing it on a basis of materialism, and taking pictures. I also worry that pictures would backfire, and she say something like ” where is________? Can we go get her? Why did you give her away, I loved her? ( I say this b/c I put her dollie and me matching outfit in a consignment fundraiser thinking she couldn’t wear it anymore and therefore wouldn’t be attatched. WRONG. She came to me asking me to help her find it. And I guess she read my face and said, “did you give it away”, she started crying as she asked and then bawled when I said yes. I felt terrible, and she looked at me like I betrayed her.) I mean what do you do with that!! I have taken pictures for my son and myself, so that we are able to let go, but still keep the visiual that triggers the memory. My problem is….. at least one of them….. I haven’t gotten pictures off my camera in over 2 years!!!
Also, I’m not so sure that it is a memory thing for my dd, so much as a relationship based thing. I honesly don’t know how to explain what I am trying to say. I don’t understand it- so I can’t explain it. 🙂 Any advise on HOW to explain all these things to a 5 year old? I have tried to explain that with so many dolls, it is easier to loose them, and harder to play with so many and appreciate so many at once, but maybe she was too young at the time. I have tried to put things in terms of it being harder to clean her room or keep it clean. It just seems as if I haven’t found the right words to help her understand- you know, in a way that makes sence to her.
Yes, giving a space boundary is another we’ve tried, we have a toy chain hung up that if she wants to keep any of her small toys they each must have their own clip, otherwise the others go, and there can only be up to 3 at a time off the chain. Her bedroom became the ‘boundary’ for her toys, no more than 2 at the most can be played with out side her room- that has helped a lot!!
Any new items brought in, we try to get her to say good bye to another— or put it in the box we’ve made for other kids when they come to visit, so that there isn’t an issue of new or treasured toys getting demolished- yes, most of the kids they play with absolutely seem to make it their mission to see how well built a toy is!!! 🙂 Maybe if we go through the “friends box” every season, discarding old ones and putting in new ones from their rooms, it may give her a buffer time to emotionally prepare herself to say good bye? Maybe putting a date sticker would help knowing how long something has stayed and giving it only a certain amount of time to stay.
Part of me believes I just need to be tuffer, but my dh thinks we’ve handled it well. We’ve even had a confiscation rule of: if you don’t follow the guidlines for toys, the toys that are left outside of their homes, abandond will be put up for a period of time. It does work, but only on a “I’ll do it before they get out the “gathering bag” mentality. Any advise on how to tweek this rule? Any advise on how to make any of these accountability measures hold more water. I don’t want to be a wimpy parent but I don’t want to be cruel and unsympathetic either. 🙁
Thank you for your advise, its encouraging.
-Mombygrace
Honestly, I think you need to set boundaries and enforce them. Decide as parents/adults what is an acceptible amount of toys and then let your children know. Then work together to make it happen. Your daughter is 5 and she’s ruling over you with her emotional response. Please hear me – I say this in love. Picture this when she’s 10 or 16. Will it be easier to become the authority figure then?
Yes, she is attached to them. I get that. I have a daughter who is attached to her stuffed animals and can tell you who gave them to her, what their names are, who their best friend stuffed animal is, and on and on. But we have to set limits on the sheer volume of stuffed animals she can have and enforce them. We were similar to Lindsey, we realized one day that there were a ridiculous number for our family’s space (remember, 10 people in under 1500 sq ft, we don’t have a lot of room). We talked with our daughter and explained that everyone was going to have a specific amount of ‘stuff’. Everyone. And then we explained that there would be number limits on items. We told her the number of stuffed animals she could keep, and that the rest would be given away. She was not happy at first but we stuck to our decision and enforced it. Now, at age 8, she’s fine with it. She’s maturing and the 1 in 1 out rule doesn’t make her bat an eye. However when she was 5 and 6 you would have thought we were torturing her to require her to get rid of 1 stuffed animal every time a new 1 came in the house. Your 5 year old will mature and she won’t be scarred for life if you set limits and enforce them. I promise. And if you don’t set limits and begin enforcing it will probably do more harm down the road than a small battle now.
((HUGS)) It isn’t cruel. It’s being a careful, thoughtful parent to choose your family’s limits and enforce them.
Agreeing with Tristan. In this situation, your daughter is in control, not you. She has figured out that she can use her emotions, pouty eyes, whining, etc. to manipulate you to give in and let her keep what she wants. Yes, my precious children have done it to me too. It can be hard to recognize, especially when Mommy Guilt is trying to make you feel like you’re scarring your child for life. (That’s the enemy talking, by the way.) My children didn’t understand the concept of materialism at 5 either, but that didn’t keep us from helping them understand. There isn’t a “magical age” where a child will suddenly understand, “Oh, I don’t need all this stuff. I should give it away to someone who needs it more than me.” That just doesn’t happen. (And if it has happened, I want that mom to write a book on how to get children to be naturally unselfish!) Wanting more, selfishness, holding on instead of letting go…these are all part of our human nature…our sin nature. Yes, even your sweet little 5yo has that nature inside her. 😉
Discuss with your dh what your boundaries are going to be and enforce them. Stick to your guns, even if she cries or whines or pouts or even throws a fit. You are not harming her. She (and you) may not realize it for years to come, but consistently simplifying and keeping an eye on stuff will benefit all of you in the long run. Look at the big picture here, not how she feels today. Big picture stuff is what you have to keep in front of you at all times when these day-to-day things wear you down.
Just some food for thought: Is your daughter going through any major emotional issues?
In the past year, we have had a birth, a death, a major 600 mile move, and my husband started 2 new jobs in that order. Needless to say, when we moved, I knew that I needed to do some major purging, but my best friend insisted that we box it all up and move it to our new home, and that I do the purging after I had a chance to heal emotionally.
Now, many months later, I am purging.
I have a dd5 who absolutely adores all of her dolls and stuffed animals as well. My husband was gone for 16 days with his job this month, and I intended to have dd purge during that time, but honestly, she was an emotional wreck. She is extremely close to all of her people, and especially her Daddy. It was just not a good time for her.
I don’t know your daughter, and I agree that you need to be in charge, but I would definitely pray and have some serious talks with your daughter. She may be emotionally more ready or more mature a little later.
By the way, you are her God-given mother. You know her better than I do. Pray and ask for wisdom for this situation. The LORD can speak to her heart and cause a change that will be much better than anything you can instigate. Not that I am an expert, just a mom-in-the-field who is praying for her own daughter and for wisdom too!!
((HUGS))
A short answer – as many as she can take care of.
If you are expected to take care of, keep track of, find homes for, or put away any of her dolls then you get to decide how much work you want to do. Are the dolls an issue or do you just feel she has too many? If they are an issue, deal with it appropriately. If she takes care of them and they don’t get in the way, end up stepped on or around, etc. then I would leave them be for now because I wouldn’t really have a reason to get rid of them.
Having said that, sometimes, such as with Tristan’s living situation, I would have a reason to get rid of them. This summer we had some pretty bad moisture in the basement and I got rid of several van loads of toys. The kids had no choice. But if dd lines her bed with stuffed animals and they never end up on my living room floor, I don’t care.
I will say this too, my daughter is sentimental about everything and we have had issues with room cleaning simply because she doesn’t want to let anything go. I had her watch an episode of hoarders and explained to her that the hoarders all love their stuff too, but it wasn’t a goood kind of love and that their families were so upset because they loved their family member and didn’t want them living in a mess just like we love her dearly and don’t want her to live in a mess either. So far that has had the best impact on her cleaning her room and letting go of things. I did wait till she was old enough to see the show though… not sure a child younger would get it. Most are pretty harsh & I chose carefully which one to let her see.
I disagree slightly w/ eawerner
. My dd took good care of all 47 of her stuffed animals. They all had names, she would ask me to wash one if it got dirty, they were always slept with, played with, and put away in their spots. That doesn’t mean it’s ok for one child to have 47 stuffed animals. I think it’s very important that we teach our children about excess. “Less is more” has been an echoing statement on this forum this year, and it has been in my family’s life for about five years. We have been fighting against the excess mentality that is so prevalent in our society nowadays. Always wanting more, never being content with what we have, and holding on to what we have because it makes us comfortable/happy/whatever are mentalities and conditions of the heart that I wholeheartedly believe are important to help children fight against early in life. We lived in 3,200 sq. ft. and had PLENTY of room for all 47 stuffed animals, but that shouldn’t be an excuse for keeping them either. For us, it’s about teaching our children that we want to maintain an attitude of being content with less because then we have more space (mentally and physically), more time because we aren’t cleaning and picking up constantly which means more time for fun, learning, and being together, and more abundance in life. So I do disagree with allowing children to keep whatever they can take care of. Many children can take care of way more toys than they need or play with. Keeping toys picked up doesn’t mean they’re taken care of either. I don’t want a playroom with 100 toys in it, even it it stays picked up and organized and especially if maybe 15 of those toys are regularly played with.
It’s a great idea to see the show Hoarders, cdm2kk. I thought often about showing it to our children when we were first embarking on this simplifying journey. I still might show it to them, but more for fun and interest since they are now very good about purging and giving away and don’t get upset anymore.
Great discussion, ladies!
Thank you for asking this question Mary. When I read the title I saw, “How many crafts supplies does a woman need and she LOVES crafting!” I have applied the “you can only have what fits into your container” to my children and since you brought this up…i need to start applying to myself. My dd16 has an exotic stuffed animal collection, but she is only allowed to have what will fit into the rubbermaid container. After that if she finds something interesting to add then she will find something to let something go.
LindseyD – Feel free to disagree! I don’t mind and won’t be offended. 🙂
RobinP – *My* idea still applies to books. I’ve seen a horders episode where people were nearly crushed in their sleep by mountains of books piled in their bedroom. Eeek! But if you can take care of them, (and continue to lend them out 😉 ) I say let the collection grow!
I naturally lean towards minimalism (unless we’re talking about books 🙂 ) and have always been pretty intentional about what types of toys are brought into the house (practical, open-ended…etc). My kids rooms are kepy orderly and tidy and they have always been taught to take good care of what we have. I think they are generally pretty content and always very grateful when they are given something.
But. They have collections of things that really are very important to them. For my oldest son it’s books. He loves them. My second son loves art and has collected several different art kits, some are similar enough to me that I could assume it’s excessive but they are different enough to him to be kept. My nine year old daughter loves her dolls. She might have 30 or so, if we’re counting doll house people, but she really loves them and plays with them every day. They have a home and she takes good care of them. At this stage in her life I think she would be genuinely sad to give them away. They are almost like children to her.
I think it’s hard for people who don’t know your daughter or your family situation to really answer this question because I think it’s a matter of the heart here. For someone like me who believes it’s perfectly acceptable to purchase another book when I already own hundreds, I’m not quite ready to say that your daughter is discontent and excessive and in need of some lessons on purging her collection of dolls. Only you and your husband can know if she’s just a little girl who likes to “mother” her babies or if she’s greedy. Yes, certainly have those discussions about simplifying and be a great example for her in that area. It should be a given that her space needs to be orderly and her things well cared for. Maybe you’d want to watch for signs of excess in other areas to see if it’s a heart issue? If it’s just with her dolls and she is able to keep order, then I would lean towards allowing her to keep any doll that she plays with frequently, though I might not allow new ones to come in or new “collections” to start until she’s ready to whittle this one down considerably.
There is still room for sentimentality in a simple life.
. My dd took good care of all 47 of her stuffed animals. They all had names, she would ask me to wash one if it got dirty, they were always slept with, played with, and put away in their spots. That doesn’t mean it’s ok for one child to have 47 stuffed animals. I think it’s very important that we teach our children about excess. “Less is more” has been an echoing statement on this forum this year, and it has been in my family’s life for about five years. We have been fighting against the excess mentality that is so prevalent in our society nowadays. Always wanting more, never being content with what we have, and holding on to what we have because it makes us comfortable/happy/whatever are mentalities and conditions of the heart that I wholeheartedly believe are important to help children fight against early in life. We lived in 3,200 sq. ft. and had PLENTY of room for all 47 stuffed animals, but that shouldn’t be an excuse for keeping them either. For us, it’s about teaching our children that we want to maintain an attitude of being content with less because then we have more space (mentally and physically), more time because we aren’t cleaning and picking up constantly which means more time for fun, learning, and being together, and more abundance in life. 
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