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How do you make space for "quality time" with your spouse?
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I don’t know about the rest of you, but as a homeschooling mama who pours alot of time and energy into her home and children, I struggle sometimes with prioritizing my relationship with my husband. I know that this needs to be a high priority, and I want it to be a priority, but in real life I’m afraid that that is the thing that tends to slip when life gets sort of busy or I get sort of tired. Having a regular “date night” has never worked well for us since we live overseas most of the time and there is nowhere to go (remote third world location), and even this year while we are in the States it is tricky because we don’t always have a viable childcare option (or a lot of spare cash!) So apart from actually “going out on a date”…what kinds of things do you do to keep your relationship with your spouse “alive”? Creative or practical ideas…both for how you create space in your schedule and for actual things that you do…welcome!
Jen
We go for a short walk every evening, or just take fifteen minutes outside in the yard together while the kids are cleaning up after supper or downstairs playing for a bit. We haven’t had child care in years. We also require the kids to be in bed at a certain time reading so that we can have an hour or so to ourselves. We don’t do a date night either – we live in the country and don’t really want to be anywhere but here! But watching a sunset, or the birds at the feeder, etc. is a great thing to enjoy together.
Gaeleen
We have teens now, which we wished for for so many years—but now no money! LOL So we rarely go anywhere. But Friday nights are “ours” The kids need to go to bed/go downstairs/whatever early and leave us alone for the evening. Sometimes we watch a movie, sometimes we just talk, sometimes we go to sleep, 🙂
My dh and I spend time together almost every evening. We love to watch movies together, but we also make time to have good conversation. We don’t have a scheduled “date night”, but we try to get my mom or his parents to keep our kids for us every once in a while. They’re free! If you don’t have the luxury of grandparents or relatives to help, maybe you could find another family who’s in your shoes and would trade babysitting with you? I also like Bookworm’s idea of having your children leave you alone one night a week, although that might be tricky with littler ones.
My dh doesn’t enjoy reading, but he does enjoy me reading aloud to him. So, I find a good book we’ll both enjoy and read out loud. If it’s a non-fiction book (which it usually is), we always discuss the chapters afterward and try to find ways to apply whatever we learned to our lives. We did that with the book Radical by David Platt, and it was life-changing for both of us. I’ve also read Redeeming Love to him twice! ha!
Dh wants me to get a bike so we can go bike riding together, but it’ll be a while before we can leave the kids home alone long enough to do that. I’m looking forward to it though!
I can empathize with where you are right now. My dh and I were there not so many years ago. I wish I had really understood what I “knew” then… that I need to make time to make dh a priority. He needed that from me as his wife because I am the only one who should provide that particular need for him. Because I was tired nearly all of the time and always “all touched out” by the time he came home, dh was on the bottom of my list. This lead to dh feeling cut off and our relationship suffering for a while because I had allowed my priorities to get of whack. Here are some things that I learned that might help you… I sincerely hope it helps someone else. It’s just so hard when we feel disconnected as couples.
There are a couple of ways to approach this… Not only do you need to have some special time w/ your dh so that he knows he’s your priority (God, husband, children), but also make sure he feels like you need and want him for your own. We all have that desire in us actually. 🙂 These little things don’t seem like so much at first, but it really helps to keep you connected. So, for the part that lets him know you do care and are thinking about him, how about:
Leaving a special note for him to find.
Buy some of the magnetic poetry magnets and a mall metal board that can be mounted or even a tin in which to keep them and use the lid as your “board”. You can leave special messages for each other this way. This should be in your room so that it is special for just you two.
Make a special meal or dessert for your dh, something that is his favorite.
Ideas for connecting together w/out the benefit of a sitter:
Get up early and have your morning coffee, etc. and Bible time together.
Make the kids a meal ahead of time and send them into the other room while you and dh have a special meal alone. This works well if you have one that is at least 7 or so who can alert you if the others are in need of help. Put in a favorite audio book or adventure like Adventures in Odyssey, or any of the free audio books from this site.
I agree with the early to bed idea as well allowing you free time. You could even do the above idea after the kiddos are in bed. 🙂
Hold hands while you are sitting together even when the kiddos are around. While you’re not on a date, you are deliberately making an effort to touch him, be near him, and give non-verbal signals of your love even though you may be tired and “all touched out” from the kiddos… it’s a little thing that can mean a lot.
Simple things are often some of the best… sitting on the porch together in the evening, dreaming together, all those little things add up to make such a huge difference.
Praying God’s blessing on your efforts,
~jacqleene
** I forgot to add that sometimes when I was really tired, I had to choose to do it for God, because that was part of what He asked of me as a wife (ala – Emilie Barnes). It is true that after a while of doing it for God, I began to choose these things for dh. Nothing really changed except my view which was all that really needed to change in the first place, KWIM?
My husband and I usually spend some time together each evening. Fridays are our “date night”, but that doesn’t mean we have to leave the house! Lately we watch a movie, and play a game of scrabble or something. We have always put our kids down to bed early in the evening (7:00), so that is how we get time to talk and such. Spending quality time together is extremely high on my priority list, so it’s a relatively easy thing to do for me. Also, we try not to have too much going on in the evenings. The more activities we have planned in the evenings. the worse it is for our marriage. When we’re running around, too much time goes by without good time together. Thankfully we’re both pretty happy to be home, so it’s not a problem too often.
Robin~
I am laughing, because I thought I was the only one that had to milk cows as part of quality time :O) I find work in general will scatter the children and allow for intimate conversation
.~Heather
Amazing whay you can discuss over the back of a cow…
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