Help with dd5

My dd 7 is very much like your dd. I know that some would label her ADD/ADHD. I see it as who she is.

She cannot sit still! If she tries her muscle will start pulsing (really). There are a few tricks that seem to help. She plays with her tongue a lot, rolling it around in her mouth. I do not have her sit on my lap durring read-alouds (she drives me crazy). I remind her that if she must move,  try to do smaller movements. She will tap her foot, play with her fingers, ect… I try not to ask her to stay still as much as possible. I expect her to not stand or hang on her chair at the dining table, but I do not ask her to stay still.

She is my day-dreaming-head-in-the-clouds girl. I was a day dreamer, so I know a lot of her dawdling is not disobedience. Her mind is simply somewhere else. For chores I tell her to go do one thing and when she is done come see me. Then I give her the next chore and so on.  Things don’t go well if I give her a whole list. I try to always look her in the eye when giving instruction, this helps a lot. For things like playing in the water I would tell her the next time she does it, since she likes water so mush, she can clean the toilet in the morning (or wipe base boards with wet cloth. Basicly any chore with water.) Look at it this way, you might have a very clean toilet for a while . Feel better you are doing a good job. You are a mommy that cares.

Lindsey, I am so sorry to hear about your trials – it can be very frustrating to struggle with one of our children and the feelings of guilt when we think badly of them can be quite damaging.  I deliberately did not start our girls in school until they were 6 years old, this gave them a little extra maturation time and made for a calmer home.  We encouraged lots of play outdoors, lots of nature type activities and things like that.  We read to them daily, and they knew that that was one time they had to sit quiet and still – however the books were short and sweet and they got to choose.  I found that delaying school until 6 and not trying to push them before they were ready made a big difference to them overall, and to us as a family.  The outdoor activities and just being in our garden and exploring and playing used up a lot of the energy that otherwise would have perhaps spilled into bad behaviour.  They had a wooden farm set, and lots of lego bricks and they would go onto our patio and build things, then decorate the places they built with flowers and leaves from the garden and then find creatures to put in the buildings and pens they made – like snails and worms and things.  They never harmed anything, they were very gentle and when they had finished playing they would put the creatures back where they found them.  Now I know that for some little girls playing with worms and snails may not be considered a good thing, however I have to say that in the CM Primary school I attended in the UK we were always encouraged to investigate wildlife and that was the same for boys and girls, the only rule was we were never to harm a creature.  I find that to this day I love nature and bugs, and I credit all that to the primary school and to my mum and dad encouraging me to love animals and to be interested in them.  I allowed the girls to follow their own imaginations – I always kept a watchful eye, praised and admired when appropriate, but in general I allowed them to use their own imaginations and did not direct their play – to this day they had wonderful imaginations and are always able to find something to do and to occupy themselves with – I can honestly say I have never heard the girls tell me they are bored and that is a good thing.  They did not watch TV but had lots of other things to do and play with, very simple things – we kept all electronics out of the home – the girls as yound adults now, still have no desire for a phone or any of the gadgets that teens are so fond of – though they do now each have an ipod.  I would say be gentle on yourself Lindsey, she is still very young and has a lot of growing to do, give her time to maturate a little more.  You mentioned she felt left out when you did school – could you give her some things to occupy her and just back off the school a little – if she is in the same room you may be surprised at what she will pick up anyway, and yet the pressure would be off her and you and would allowing a little growing up to take place.  A lot of countries in Europe do not start school until the age of 7 and these children are very successful, in many cases more successful than those from England who can start at 4 (horrors on that) and here –  I believe the early years should all be about play and exploration of the world around them, reading with mum and dad, helping in the kitchen at an age appropriate level etc – children have to grow up to fast anyway these days, and I want them to be able to mature at their own rate.  I will pray for you and your daughter -but I suspect she may just be maturing in a different way, and the more you butt heads with her – the worse it will be.  Choose your battles wisely and perhaps back off in some areas – she is five – she will turn out fine in the end and it will be far better for you both to have a more peaceful relationship in the future years.  We are so conditioned to follow everyone else in the way of standards and that means pre-school, kindy and so on at set ages – I think it really does not matter so much, a year here or there will not ruin her – she may do better for the break.  I am with you in the ADD and meds department, I would not go there either – I have seen people successfully deal with their children without meds and it is just figuring out what works for the child.  We should perhaps not be so quick to label children – we are all different and some are much more lively than others and more of a handfull – it does not mean they have an illness – so hang in there, take some time for you if you can, and imho I would give her a break as well at least from the more formal school.  I can tell you that the battles I had with the girls were few and far between, they knew that I expected them to behave in a polite and respectful way – but I also allowed them the opportunity to explore their personalities at home and I had one feisty one and one reserved – so it was an interesting mix.  Take care and hugs to you – it will work out, and don’t feel you have to pressure her or yourself – if you take your hands off a little you may be surprised how well she responds – a wise mentor of mine told me once when the girls were young, that I was not in control, that God was and I should take my hands off sometimes and allow Him to do His work – until that point I think I had been too controlling, and I made some changes and it proved good advice.  My friend who was a lot older told me that sometimes we try to manage our children too much and do not allow them to mature in a natural way and that being in control was a silly notion because in reality we are not He is…Work with your daughter on the talents she does have, eventually you will figure out here learning style and it sounds like she is going to be a tactile/kinesthetic type who will find it hard to sit still – there are great ways you can help a child like that in the homeschool setting.    One of my daughters is a very visual learner, and I had to change a lot of things to accomodate her, but when I did, wow did she take off in learning and did so much better.   Warm thoughts and prayers are coming your way.   Linda