{{{Brandi}}}
You’ve already won half the battle–asking for help!
I have 9 dc (ages 21, 19, 16, 14, 10, 9, 7, 3, 17 months). I have had seasons where anything resembling a routine was impossible because of circumstances beyond my control, then it was VERY HARD to get “back” when the crises were over. I’m slowly getting back now after my dad’s death last October.
I love the CM ideals, but I confess that I am not a veteran CMer, and I don’t “do” everything CM, as I ultimately do what works for us, within our lifestyle, etc. I’m sure you’ll get advice from more “seasoned” members, but I will share from my own experience and what I would advise if you were coming over to ask me that over a cup of tea! 🙂
First off, getting their hearts is THE most important thing! And yes–discipline, habits, relationships–these are absolutely THE curriculum for now. That doesn’t mean no learning is going on–but you are going to have to put some things on the back burner to focus on the more important–the best. The “good” things will need to be shelved while you work on the “best” for now.
Training your dc to help is going to not only benefit *you*, of course, but them as well. My own mother made the mistake of thinking it was “easier” to do it herself. I have suffered greatly from that (I know she did what she thought was best). You have to see the long haul–what is best for *them*. What kind of a worker will a boy be who doesn’t learn to work at home? My dh told me about hearing how one company can’t find help that will show up every day on time, and if they aren’t coming in, they don’t even call. And this isn’t $5/hr. work–they pay $25/hr! That all starts in our homes. Dh has someone that helps him, and he is very loyal, a good worker, but he hardly ever shows up on time. There are times dh has to wait to start the work for the day (he’s in construction) because he needs the other person’s help. That “costs” in more ways than $$.
What kind of a wife/mommy/homemaker will a girl be if she doesn’t learn to help at home? (I can answer that one! 😉 ) Seriously, I have struggled for years and still do because of things that weren’t instilled in me then. I had no good role models for many years.
I don’t want you to feel, “Oh, boy, I’ve blown it and there’s no hope!” I have failed to train some of mine as well. It’s so easy in a big family to rely too much on the oldest ones, because, quite frankly, stuff needs done and it’s “easier”. So, I *did* fall into the same trap my mom did. Just in a different way! Now, it’s not that the younger ones did nothing, it’s just I didn’t require or follow up on them as much. The past four years have had some heart-rending issues that have pulled me away from my routine. So I, too, have some issues. Here’s what I’m doing:
Bible Time. That is first, foremost, and if NOTHING else gets done, so be it. When you think about it, we can catch narration, history, memory work, theology (we sing ALL the verses of hymns–they’re actually quite meaty!), and learn from each others’ insights. I get a lot of silence when I ask for any insights. Sometimes I and my oldest two dds are the only ones that share. I don’t belabor the point, but I give time in case someone’s trying to form their thoughts. Then we move on. Bible time is Prayer, Singing Hymns, Read a Psalm and discuss, Scripture memory. If we have time, I’m starting Grapevine Studies on the OT.
Then I work with my 3 “little girls” (10, 9, 7). I have done phonics/language arts one day, math the other. There have been times I got those each in only once a week. But that’s a start.
My older two that are still “in school” (the 16 and 14 yodds) are pretty much on their own, unless they need help. I have had them come up with their own checklist for me to check. It HAS to be simple, or I just can’t keep up. We tried something a bit more detailed last year, and it just didn’t happen. (Me checking their lists). They knew the basics had to be on there, and that they had to get their math, language arts, copywork (the Bible), and music practice done.
The dc can read about history and science. Give them good books to read, and focus on the other things for now. And of course, having a read aloud time or two with you all together would be great! But don’t stress if you can’t do it all just yet. Maybe a read aloud after everyone’s ready for bed to help “calm the wild beasties”! (I mean that lovingly! 🙂 )
Does that seem too simple? Not doing “enough”? My oldest two who have graduated are quite literate, good thinkers, and able to learn anything I didn’t make sure they learned before. Sometimes we make it too hard on ourselves trying to micromanage!
I would start with your younger children–academically, what is the BIGGEST need? Start with each one’s ONE need for now while you’re working on other things. This is a season. You won’t live here! As they get a bit older, and habits and helpfulness are in place, you can add other things in. Trust me!
Now, as to “habits”. I would highly recommend you purchase the “Laying Down the Rails” e-book here at SCM. Make a list of the habits you want instilled. Everything you can think of! Now, what are the “Top Ten”? The Top Five? The # 1?! Start there. Pray and talk to dh about ways you can instill that habit. Our family got into eating supper very late, (my older dds take turns preparing supper), getting to bed late, then sleeping in (remnant of when my dh had his bad accident, and we didn’t need lots of noise going on early in the day then!). So the first habit was to get supper and bedtimes and arising times in place. Not all at once! I worked on supper as that was affecting the rest. It’s gotten much better! Now, I still worked some on getting them to bed in a timely manner, but the MAIN issue was suppertime. Since suppertime is going well now, bedtime is becoming the main issue. We’re working on getting up, and they don’t do too badly, but don’t always get hopping to their work. I don’t want to run an army bootcamp, but I may have to be firmer on things during this time. I have an overall checklist that is *very* simple that I check at supper. “Oh, you didn’t brush your teeth this morning–go brush them!” (They don’t like brushing BEFORE they eat! LOL!) “You can get another load of laundry in before you eat–go do it!” “Forgot to take your vitamins? Guess you don’t get chocolate tomorrow!” I prayed and asked the Lord to help me come up with natural consequences to help re-enforce. I keep it lighthearted and smile and tell them not to argue or we can make it two days of no chocolate or whatever! I gave them a warning to be checking the list AND marking it–they ALL “forgot” the first day! 🙂 If they didn’t mark it, I don’t know it got done! They’ve had to clean their bathroom before supper even though they cleaned it earlier in the day….and they don’t forget to mark it now! 😉
Oh, yes, I have a dd who tells me “it’s a waste of toothpaste!” Or cleaner or whatever! I tell her, “The goal is not a clean bathroom. The goal is for you to learn to do your chores!”
It will take time. But this is your most important work. More important than school–this IS school–the School of Life. The School of Life is unforgiving when you’re older and have to learn things the hard way!
You didn’t give all your dc’s ages, so I don’t know how practical some of this is, but my dds could cook a simple breakfast by age 12, and all four the older ones have had a turn in the kitchen starting at age 14. My now 14 yodd has been cooking supper 2 nights a week for about 2 years. I realize “boys are different”, but someday your dil will rise up and call you blessed that her dh, your son, can cook a simple meal when she’s very-sick-and-pregnant! A family in our church has 7 dc, the oldest two are boys, 17 and 15, and the 17 year old has been making the main meal for some time (they have a special needs dd that really takes a LOT of time and care–I admire them for keeping her home and taking excellent care of her!).
I had a time when I did “cooking school” with them. I picked things they could do at their ages, and for that “hour or so” we worked on it. Older dc were making things to contribute to the evening meal, middler dc (9-11 or so) were making a dessert or something to help with lunch, younger ones, with more help from me, were making something for snacks later. You could have them make muffins to go with the next morning’s breakfast. I also had them copy the recipes–“copywork”! 😉
With your older dc that are getting “lippy”–I have one about that age that is my most prone to be that way with me. We had a situation a month or so ago where she was contesting everything, it seemed. We also had planned to go to a friend’s house to help do some sewing, which this dd loved to do. I told her that we didn’t *have* to go. That I could either cancel it (and pointed out that not only we, but also they, would be disappointed) or she could go to work with her daddy and *we* would go. It is not a right for young people to do everything they want to do. I have to be willing to be disappointed myself, be misunderstood because I “gave my word”, whatever. My dc and their character has to be more important (I’m *not* saying this is easy!) I recently talked with a sil who was complaining about her 11 yods. I told her, “Maybe he doesn’t need to go to all these Boy Scout activities if he’s not going to do his work and be respectful at home.” She replied with how he really likes Scouts, it’s so good for him, he doesn’t get to be with boys his own age aside from Scouts, etc. Now, I would also agree Scouts is a good thing! However, NOT when he can’t be helpful and respectful at home! But that’s my take on it all.
I am just offering you ideas based on what I’ve done. Your dh might want you to cover more school. I know my dh was very understanding that we needed to scale back for a season–and that’s the key, it’s not forever!–to work more on attitudes and routine.
I’m still a work in progress, believe me! And yet, as I take the time, let go of my wonderful plans and deal with their hearts, we have more sweetness, more harmony, and believe it or not, the important stuff gets done!
You are in a battle for their hearts–THAT “curriculum” is the most important. Don’t worry about being done by noon. Let go many outside committments if you have them. Pray, pray, pray, then share gently with your dc that for THEIR good as well as the home’s, things are going to change. Don’t try to rebuild Rome in a day <BG!> but work on things a little at a time. And try for some fun in it, but be willing to be the heavy if needed. Oh, and OF COURSE, get dh’s input and blessing and backing! That is actually THE great place to start, “Dear, what is most important to you that we work on?” When I was really overwhelmed when #7 was on the way (dc were 14, 12, 9, 7–she made up for three!, 3 and 1 1/2), dh gave me the idea of them doing their own laundry (the 9 and up crowd) and each taking a “little person”, doing their laundry as well. I didn’t think it would work–well, 7 years later they still have their “laundry days”, and the others do now, too! (All but the two youngest!)
Dh also told me that his top three requests were–clutter picked up (he didn’t expect immaculate, but to be able to get into the door without a shovel or having little cars and animals and people “bite” you when you stepped on them!), the sink not full and the washer/dryer empty (he gladly helped by doing a load now and then, but not if he had to transfer everything!). Dusting didn’t matter. Sweeping–needed but not most important. The bathrooms clean enough to keep the Health Department away <G> but not spotless.
Okay, I’ve really rambled on here! (And on and on…) But I hear your cry, I’ve been there in many ways, and I soooo want to help! Don’t let it go, try not to gripe, and put on a smile–because you are doing this for everyone’s eternal good and ultimately for God’s glory!
HTH!
Trisch
